Saturday, November 27, 2010

Been There Done That EFOO Communication During The Holidays

I should first of all say, this comes from the point of view of someone who honestly felt they needed to cease a relationship(s) for their own well being.   So that would make me the "estranger".   Although I sometimes wonder with the actions taken by my EFOO if I am not really the estrangee, as I sometimes feel I was forced into taking the only option.   There was never any real attempt to mend fences with me or acknowledge boundaries, quite the opposite as a matter of fact.   In any case, I am the estranger of this story.   I am certain that holiday communications might effect other individuals differently, and possibly more likely affect the estrangee differently.

Mostly in the current day, the main contact that I might have is to see one or the other on my sitemeter tracker.  The exception being this year at the beginning of the month, Eggy tried and succeeded in getting my attention with a series of blog posts.   It was well before the Thankful day, however, and so it did not impact my enjoyment of the holiday so much.

Very early on in the estrangement with Eggy, about the only time I would get contact was around those holidays.   It was not pleasant even if it was just a card.   It made no sense that there was silence all the rest of the days, but *BAM* on the holidays there it was.   Why not wish me well on a day that was not my birthday, or Xmas, or Halloween, or Thanksgiving?   I concede and thought that it wasn't meant to hurt at the time, but it did.   I preferred not to hear from her on the holidays or my birthday when we were estranged.  In fact, due to the fact that the last straw was her insatiable need for the correctly appropriate present to her status as "Glorified Eggy" it was a real sore spot to hear from her.

With Spermy, I had initially agreed to keep the lines of communication open.  In that spirit, I wrote an e-mail around Thanksgiving to keep him in the loop, an e-mail when we moved with our contact info, and a card at Christmas.   I had asked for limited contact as I had concentrated on "our relationship" and doing it as he wanted for 18 years, and now I needed to concentrate on unpacking and setting up my business here.   His excuses for the monster and both of their actions were not high on my list to spend time on.   One would think he would have understood, as I got this excuse from him all the time, and not in a pleasant and reasonable way.   However, he took umbrage, and did not return the greetings.  He never explained when HE wanted to keep the communication open, why HE didn't at least acknowledge receipt of the Thanksgiving e-mail.   Then he ripped up the card because the monster's name was not on it at Xmas (it's all about appearances folks, not reality in my family, even when it's apparently well known that I would not wish that troll a happy anything).   I am guessing that he did not want contact during the holidays .   I was relieved about that, as I no longer had to dutifully keep the lines of communication open in my mind.   He said it as usual just for show, that he was being a good Spermy.   Yeah, right.   His actions sent me the right message which his vocal cords and fingers were no longer equipped to do.

It does upset me when I see he's been on my page around the holidays.  Also, he knows where my other blogs are, so it's not to be sure that I am doing alright in life, as he claims.   He is just so filled up with BS.  Although recently a relative claimed he said nothing to them about the estrangement, I know that they were lying.  How?  Because his twisted and intentional mis-"understanding" of his reasons were reiterated to me on a 50th anniversary by a cousin in law who had never met me before!!   How odd that she would think it was his racial slurs (which are not the reason, and yet don't make him all that appealing to me) were the reason for our estrangement or his hatred of females.   So that is such bullshit that he is not trying to make excuses for why his only off springs does not want to engage with him, and why he flips out when he reads the real and known reasons on my blog.   Imagine if someone else saw  that, who he knows and those things were not mentioned by him!!

Not that he needs to worry, his siblings were all drilled to death that their parents were always right no matter what.  I often wondered what would have happened to me if physical or sexual abuse was going on, as I have little doubt that this would have been justified and looked over somehow.  So the fact that my donors emotionally and verbally assault me in adulthood and don't respect boundaries is of no concern to them.   What they might want to consider, however, is that THEY actually did have loving parents.   They are so appearance driven though, I am sure that they think that is only a word and not an action.

So, I got a little off the path there, no I do not like to hear from my EFOO during the holidays.  I think they no longer like to hear from me either, and that is fine.   It took so long to get here.    This is why when well meaning family asks "but what about later on, won't you regret...."   I have been through deaths of loved ones.  I don't want my time wasted on people who are fake and unloving towards me.   I want to be there for the ones that are.   When my donors die, I am sure that I will grieve for what I did not have as a family unit.   The fact that they are dying or dead will not change what was or what would have ultimately been.   To relive that story again would not only be painful beyond belief to me, but personally damaging to me as well.   I did not take care of myself before because I couldn't.   I was too young, naive, and believing that a word was a representation of the act.   I also did not have the communication skills to stand up for and protect myself.   I do have those things now, and I won't waste them.

For me a great gift on the holidays is not hearing from them at all.   Spermy and I reside in the same place parts of the year, so seeing him does not even upset me.   It's just lovely not hearing from him, and his constant put downs included even in his fake apologies LOL.

Sorry which reminds me another thing that well meaning family members seem to ask if I don't mind tarnishing "his legacy".  Isn't a legacy something you earn and make on your own through hard work?   No, I am not responsible for "his legacy", he is.


mulderfan said...

Since my Nparents are 88 and 91, I get a lot of, "What happens when...?" questions. Since, my asshole younger brother and I are joint executors and he is well known for dealing with things by not dealing with things I figure it should be lots of fun! But, I also figure I can opt out too, and just pay a lawyer to do my part.

And, no, I won't grieve them...I've already done that.

As for holidays, basically, I'm with you. I don't miss having every holiday fucked up by the losers in my life when I could share it with some people that love and support me.

As for the future. I can't control what hasn't even happened.

Winterskiprincess said...


I asked my husband: "do you miss spending the holidays with my family" (meaning estranged or unestranged)

Husband: "No not at all. And they went on so long."

Me: "Your families events wend on a long time too."

Husband: "Yeah, but my family is fun"

Winterskiprincess said...

Poor guy got to travel up to the female donor's house too for two or three times. Yikes, nothing scarier than being alone with someone hundreds of miles away from your home and at their mercy (the both of you). With this wild eyed crazed woman who is basically thinking that you are not living up to her idea of her "fantasy daughter" (she definately did not want a son in law, unless maybe I didn't like him).

Jasmine said...

I spent most of the holidays in my 51 yrs with nut jobs who ruined every get-together. Not anymore! DH and I no longer put up with our Nparents' at all:) What an f**d up world, that so many people pressure others to waste their precious holidays on Nparents and other such vermin.