Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Hershey Bars and the man that Was Grampa

This will be the last unhappy family story for awhile. It just occurred to me not to long ago (yeah that is how dumb I am, seriously), and this seems an appropriate time to blog about it. With the present and donor connection and all, and what "gifts" can actually mean with my particular donor units.

I had a grandfather on my Egg Donor side. He lived in an apartment, which her rarely left, and drank gambled and smoked cigars all day long. Occasionally he would call up, and if he got me on the phone would detail how he would go about killing himself if Eggy didn't call him back. Yeah, no steps were taken to protect me from this, as Eggy's parents had hurt her much more. So this was my slack to attend to. Spermy didn't think about it one way or the other, I don't think, except possibly how it affected him. Stellar parenting skills my donors had. Which would be forgivable if there were any redeeming qualities about Spermy and Eggy. It was later on brought to my attention, why Eggy did not ever attempt to protect me. I had just assumed that Eggy didn't catch on. Book wise Eggy might have some brains, but common sense wise...or empathy wise.....give me a break. I am lucky I didn't end up as "well attended" to as her beloved cats or our dog Major that made it a whole two years with them...by the way Spermy still allows his dogs to wander off lead and more have gone the way of Major...not to mention the abandoned cats left in the house to fair for themselves when Spermy moved out to enjoy the Monsters company.

Anyway, I was sure because of one thing that Eggy's donor must care about me. It was the Hershey bar packages that he would give me during the holiday visits. It always puzzled me why they smelled like they were marinated in cigars, especially since they came from the refrigerator. So this "man" gives me chocolate---deep down in there he must care about me.

To his credit, at least he wasn't expecting payment for "the gifts" as my donors expected returns (above and beyond reciprocal gifts by the way). It didn't even dawn on me later on, as Eggy tasked us with the clean out and close out of his apartment (I can not describe how totally disgusting this was, and how great my husband and his family were to help out. It was so disgusting, that I wanted nothing to do with what---when cleaned up---was probably some very nice bedroom furniture). There we found stacks and stacks of Hershey bar boxes, just basically warehoused in his apartment (they were thrown away, I mean they must have been their forever....they smelled lack they were marinated in cigars....)

Years later, thinking about presents and what those mean in my "delightful family", it dawned on me. These were tossed at me from a stack as one might give a friendly puppy when one does not want those attentions. Suddenly why this was the one sign of affection made sense, it soooo was not a sign of affection.

Those things hurt later on, even if the person was not worthy of you. You tend to blame yourself for being unlovable.
My Italian grandparents, who no doubt did love me, once gave me a dollhouse. My donors wanted to make an example (because I had another dollhouse), and it would be greedy of me to have to. They were great at giving out these painful lessons, Gosh forbid that I would have two dollhouses. They did not understand (nor did they have the capacity too) that I wanted that dollhouse because my grandparents gave it to me. I did make the wrong choice and kept the other dollhouse that I had since very little to appease the donors. Plus they thought it would be a great collectible later on (as they stored it in the mice infested attic when I grew up). It's okay that the dollhouse is gone, but it is staggering to me that the donors never understood that it was never the material things (that they so worship) that were important to me. It was the one thing that I could never get from them....love, compassion, and empathy.
And I certainly am not looking for it now LOL. Well, at least not from Spermy, Eggy or Monster:) I am provided with what I need from other people who are far better.


upsi said...

I just found your blog and wanted to express my support. I look forward to reading more of your truth!


Winterskiprincess said...

Upsi, thank you so much:) I have noticed your blog on more than one occaision, and find it very intelligent, thoughtful, and interesting.