Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
I don't watch the debates, but I love seeing parodies and blogs about the debates. See my mind has been made up for a long time, and watching the debates would just get me all hot and bothered!! Plus I find the reports about John McCain's physical appearance quite alarming. Seriously the age thing is a serious deal. Anyone know where Cheney's been lately. What did we see him like three times since his term began?????
So my dysfunctional way to deal with this is only to read the (or watch the video of) humorous things that make me laugh out loud, or snort coffee out of my nostrils. It's much less painful this way.
While Obama was not my first choice, and he is my lesser of two evils...and a bit slick for my taste, I actually think he won't make a bad president. I would have preferred Hillary. Palin is the nail in McCain's coffin I believe, and a representation of the really bad choices that he would make as the potential President of the United States. Yikes. Did I say really bad decision? There must be a better adjective that describes that better. Dumb ass decision. WTF decision. Did you recently have a brain injury? Decision. And that the runner up was Mitt Romney!! I lived in Massachusetts, and let me tell you, they have not had a candidate worthy Governor in like, however. Closest would be Weld, but he blew it big time by not keeping his word, and leaving not once, but essentially twice!! Fool me once....shame on you. Fool me twice.....shame on me!!
Nothing good ever comes from the Governor's office of Massachusetts. I have been so traumatized, I don't even know who the Governor of Maine is. I don't know that I could go through the disappointment again. Swifty was by far the worst. Put the possibility of a woman in the Governor's office back about 500 years.
Anyhow, my rant kind of went off topic there. Anyone else not able to watch the debates for fear of going off the deep end?
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Things that do or should have made me worry about myself:
- This was completely unintentional when I was a toddler. Really, it was, I have thought a lot about whether I may have intentionally done this. I thought my guinea pig was dancing for me. Note, radiators get hot and they are at toddler height. Watch your kids with pets around these things. I was horrified when I realized what I had done.
- Drank a whole mug of Captain Morgans straight during college on a bet.
- Let someone I didn't realize that I didn't know into my booth during an all nighter cashier job at a gas station. Then after I realized I didn't know him, but that he knew some friends, proceeded to get high with him. Nothing happened, but not quite the brightest moment in my whole life.
- Which would lead to, leaving the gas station unattended to go to a frat party. My ex boyfriend was lucky enough to get me the job, AND the phone call the next early AM morning to let him know it was robbed. Yeah, I was an asshole.
- Walking out on more than a few jobs. Actually, I would have been more worried if I hadn't LOL. Especially the gas station job where the "boys" who worked there tried to look up my shorts when I stocked the cigarettes. Lovely.
- The time I threatened to throw my boss down the empty elevator shaft, and then get in the elevator and press the down button the next time he screwed with my work. This was the time I realized it may be time for a career change. In my defense, he didn't understand the correctly done depreciation schedule, so he redid it, overwrote the right one, then I had to point out to him dividing by fractions in the last year makes assets go into negative numbers, and he was a few million off in his depreciation estimate. Mine was right, and if he had just asked.......thank God he made about twice my salary.
- Related to six, I was asked if I wanted his job. I said no, they fired him, I had to do his and my job for my same salary. Really started to question my judgement and strategic skills at this point. And no, he never did report or complain about the threat of death on my part.
- My reconciling with my step mother EVER!!! What the F was I thinking????
- The fact that I did not take the cats away from my father, who neglected them and allowed them all to die alone one way or another. I should have just taken them.
- Went out on more pity dates with creepy guys than I would like to remember. That is no favor to anyone.
- Used to have unkind thoughts about one particular old secretary. I used to call her leathery cheeks (um, not to her face). She unreasonably annoyed me.
- The fact that people I don't like want to call me their friend, and people I do like usually don't want to be my friend:( What is the deal with that? My husband has the same problem.
- The one time I felt truly helpless was when I thought corporate America was the only way I could make money. Now it seems to be the only way you can get truly screwed. What took me so long?
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
I could only grab the address unfortunately. Go to it, it's so worth it!!
Karla's claim was that she had no choice, but she was never imprisoned nor never did not have the support of her family. She participated in the rape and killing of her own sister!! Geez, her poor parents and his poor parents. Also the poor parents of the girls who were raped, killed, and tortured after the sister's death. How do you ever get over it?
These "people" apparently both had very nice parents (read a book review since, may have been more than a little angst between the mother and male piece of shit). At least the stories did not find anything unusual in their backgrounds, except that the male found out at 15-16 that his "father" was not really his "father". Now we could all argue the terminology of father, but they did not imply there was any abuse or any real melt down regarding that. Hell, I have a nephew in the same situation. I am not saying he's the model of a psychologically healthy male, but it would completely take me back if he did anything even close to this. I am pretty sure he thinks his family sucks however. And, sadly, he would be right in many ways.
If anything though, I think it's made him want to be a better and good parent (and husband). He actually has two children now. I don't know that he even knows who his "father" is. My brother in law is the closest he has come to a father figure, and my brother in law has been involved in his life and continues this after the divorce. My nephew got a raw deal in so many ways, but I never imagine or have seen evidence that he would ever intentionally hurt anyone!!!
My husband's dad deserted his family when my husband was five. He is still alive, and I have actually seen him in a store with us. He doesn't even acknowledge his children. Yet my husband has one of the most loving natures that I know.
What happens with these people? Can people just be born this way without an environmental influence of some sort? Must be. My father in law had two adopted children from his first marriage that came out horribly in their nature, even though he sought to take care of them. It finally came to a head when furniture and cars were being sold off for drugs. Still he tried to be there for them when he could, even right up to the end of his life. But they never were nor became nice people. There were some influences there including my father in law's bipolar disease that cause a lot of hospitalization during his earlier life. I don't know what his ex wife was like at all. He never said anything one way or the other about her. That's always been a mystery to me, how can one person have two bad seeds and then four really great kids. Perhaps the absence of him can explain it with the first two in a little way.
These things scare the crap out of me, and would if I ever had children. Especially since normal kids can do things that are REALLY wrong in innocence. I recently also watched the Dahmer movie (I will have to look that up) which chronicles Jeffrey's father's experience and exploration during this time. Someone who thinks that much about what they might have contributed, was probably a pretty decent father. Further, I always thought it was admirable that he still loved his son after he knew. I don't know that I would be able to do that. Very good movie, but it won't explain it. What could really? I mean if you think about it and you are a "normal" person, what explanation would make you go "oh, okay, now I get why he tortured, killed, and later drank out of the skulls of people". Perhaps horrible abuse, but then you would need to believe that they went insane. Wouldn't you?
These stories, movies, real events really worry me about what surrounds me every day. Recently a teenage girl was almost abducted on her bike right here in the town where I live. Less than a mile away, a man was murdered by his long time friend during some drinking and drugs. There is no place that you can go that is "really" safe.
When I walk down these largely abandoned roads, I am aware of what I can use to strike or maim someone if they slow down. I don't get close to cars to give out directions, and say I just don't know. I don't allow people to stop and help me if I get a flat tire on the highway. If it isn't outright a police car flagging me down, I am not stopping.
Bottom line, there are some sick and evil people out there. They can come in both genders as well.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I do not believe in hypnosis. I do not either believe people, especially people that I have disliked my whole life whether they donated to my birth or not, have some kind of mystical power over me. Especially when the actions of another party, were not known or ever commented about by the other. Duh.
One has nothing to do with the other. They are both people, separate. I dislike them both on their own standing and by their own actions. I AM NOT some helpless female or child caught in some tug of war. In fact the instigator of PAS is the Egg Donor. She was the only one that talked negatively and endlessly about the "attributes" of my sperm donor. She was the only one who tried to take revenge by writing a letter about a remarriage to my father, that she neglected to inform her own daughter about. She was the only one that encouraged me to break into my father's house to retrieve things she thought were still there. It was only her that talked about herself endlessly, thereby knowing nothing about her daughter at all. Not only by her endless talking, but by her endless disinterest and not listening.
In other words the E Donor alienated herself by her own actions, which though are talked about less in this blog as it was long ago, but are talked about. I don't get how one would think one's is worse that the other, or why that should even matter. Is this a contest, stay with the parent that is the lessor of two evils? If that is the case, my E Donor will hound you to the grave if you don't give her what you want. The S Donor just shuts up in his little passive aggressive shell. Hmmmmm, I will take the one that shuts up and stays away please. I got things to do during the day, that don't involve someone's trauma that we do not have the same taste in Christmas gifts while my Fing husband is in the hospital getting his intestine removed. Thanks.
My S Donor has done his own things. He was never allowed to be close to me in the first place, to warrant an immediate cutting off. He took this silence by me as acceptance of him doing anything he wished, and treating me any way he wished. He was wrong, and I didn't even know the depths of his suckiness. I mean I had a clue my whole life, but the last thing really took me quite off guard. He sucks it's true, but the one thing he did not do is try to pit me against my E Donor.
In fact my S Donor, wonderful guy that he is, didn't think much of me for not talking to my E Donor. Cause I am both their property to him.
Whatever issues my dear secret admirer has, could either be asked of yourself in a public forum, or you can go back to where you crawled from. Just some food for thought.
On the other hand, been running out of topics lately for this forum, thanks. Doubt I would like or sympathize with you very much, as it seems like you aren't the type of person that would take responsibility for their actions or decisions. Apparently, you feel you can be swayed by others. That is just sad.
The other thing is, the post that you posted your little comment to was a very general post. Geez, you must have been thinking about this in your little head a long time.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
- Bought Willies for 350.00 last year to plow our road. Sadly the thing needs parts every time you want to start it up, and the snow is too heavy for it to push.
- Turning off the boiler all the time, so there is no hot water when you need it. Not realizing how close he is coming to driving his wife over the edge if she needs to wait a *&&%$%$&^%^& half hour for WARM water again.
- Driving 24 miles to "fill up", not actually filling up OF COURSE, and calling that paying less for gas.
- Driving, first of all, to everything even if it's .7 miles away from us.
- Petco bought food that provides us one free bag for every ten bags. When you have three large Dobermans, that's a large savings.
- Buying a bike last year that he has rode maybe a handful of times, but he had to have it.
- Not paying the meter or getting change for it when he could, and getting a 25.00 ticket. (mine was 50.00, but he doesn't know about that shhhhhhh)
- Okay, this one is a good one, the pizza buffet at the Gaslight in Portsmouth, NH.
- Turn in empty wine bottles, and usually that goes to the price of postage stamps or shipping.
- Slowly replacing the light bulbs to energy saving light bulbs that last for seven years.
- Making sure our thermostats are timed properly in the winter to go down low in the evening, and up in the mornings (I can not wake up in a cold room).
- Complaining about products when they are bad, so we can get coupons and get something better in another of the company's product lines.
- BJs runs for things we buy in bulk once a month.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
-The horn in my car is intermittently beeping. Rob's old car remote thing had gotten very sensitive due to his putting it through the wash numerous times. It hasn't been seen for awhile. I wonder where it is at this moment, and if I am going to be surprised by finding it come out somewhere?
-Had a dream in which I had my husband and a more obnoxious clone of my husband. It was somehow combined with my weird dreams of Irene's haunted apartment house, that looks more like the apartment that we rented (slum) from Dom way back in the day. Except it has a few more rooms like the mysterious old furniture room, the multiple shower room, and the leaky tub out back of the mysterious old furniture room. I was really annoyed at clone Robert when I woke up, because he kept commenting that I looked worse as the day went on. I kept throwing pieces of soap at his er, naughty bits. Weird.
Monday, September 15, 2008
On this link Snopes.com completely outs it!!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I believe the reason for this was the vibes I gave off. The reason for the vibes that I gave off was because of the S Donor that I had. He wasn't physically abusive, but he was pretty darned abusive to his wife and daughter in other ways. He would dispute this, but it's true. A couple of times he threatened physical abuse by things such as smashing a chair next to me, which he writes off as a father and daughter having a "heated argument". Wonder what that story would be if I threw the chair at him???? That is not what happened however, as I did not want to demean or intimidate anyone. I just wanted to live MY life.
It's a power play on these "men's" parts as they are so inferior and sad. As a young woman, and thanks to this, I already was quite aware (though not consciously) of what I would NOT be putting up with. Truth be told, I figured I would never marry. It did not seem that attractive to me, at least in the context of the donor's marriage. Apparently I thought being married would mean putting up with this in the end.
It never occurred to me until many years later, that a marriage could be quite different. Also that you need to stand on your own, even when you have the most amazing marriage. It's a partnership not a caretakership. Many of the men in my family of orgin (not considering them my actual family) and my husband's family (I don't know how he came out different) think that a wife cooks, cleans, runs errands, and does the laundry. Basically they are the cook and the maid. As charming as all that sounds, I never got why I would need to or want to be that way. Nevermind and be abused for it!! I don't know how I got these ideas, as apparently my E Donor is quite helpless in the world. "If it wasn't for my new husband, I wouldn't have been able to do this". "I couldn't do this because of my ex husband". What? Huh?
In a way I am grateful that my upbringing made some of these pitfalls a non-issue for me. Thanks guys for showing me what I did NOT ever want for myself. I even realized that just because a sperm and an egg joined, I did not have to live with your abuse either:)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
You know with the scouring of pots and all.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Sunday, September 07, 2008
I was watching a program where they said "most Americans wedding day is the most important day of their life". Now I loved my wedding. It was very informal, but not fodder for the Your Redneck Wedding show. It did end with a pool event, after every changed out of their fancy clothes later that evening after the ceremony and reception when most of the older folks went home.
It was definately one of the more exciting days, and happy days of my life. However, I would contend it's more of a celebration of the beginning of all the better days of your life with your partner. There are some pretty great days and events that came after that with us as a team.
And if you have kids, I bet a lot of parents would argue that the birth and (if they are good parents at all) the growing up years were all pretty darned good days (some better than others).
Friday, September 05, 2008
My husband and I went together (me under protest as usual, but hubby likes my company for some reason) to the grocery store. I saw a white jeep of about my S Donor's make and model with a Mass license plate. Wondered fleetingly if we were in the same vacinity again.
Forgot completely about this, and we got through the store at my husband's slow and steady pace. Seriously it should not take that long to pick out a box of Rice Krispies.
We got out with my stir fry items, and the husbands umpteenth "last hurah" items. We are walking past the car again, and I think it. Bam, I notice someone of a very portly shape and build with a hairline of approcimately my S Donor. He is putting the cart away. "psssst" I go to my husband to warn him, but he thinks I am giving him a love signal. I don't know why that would be a love you signal, but then men aren't that bright.
Before he knows it they are face to face, I look away and keep walking. It was weird, except that I recognize what he looks like, he could be just a random virtual stranger to me. I didn't feel anything when I walked by him, other than the hope he wouldn't try and talk to me. I did clearly want to be sure that I projected that any advances in my direction would not be welcome.
The monster doesn't seem to be here yet. Must be out doing errands to bring food back to her lair. Like she needs that!!
I happened to see her on the beach sitting not too far away from me, and I didn't recognize her 1) because she is huge 2) because she had a butch haircut and 3) because her sister has hit the wall as well. I am only saying this because she has diabetes (supposedly) and melanoma (supposedly). So bloating up and sitting in the sun all day should help both those conditions!! You think?
Course those are no doubt my fault, as is their miserable marriage. I wish I knew I had such power when I was 18, live would have been a heck of a lot easier
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
7. Other liquor
8. Plastic utensils
9. Yard work!!
10. Dessert items
12. Folding tables
13. Outdoor seating
Sunday, August 24, 2008
So there is myspace, facebook (no idea how to direct this to MY facebook LOL), and flickr that I am toying with. The advantages of myspace and facebook is that if you have friends and family already on there, you can share your photos without sharing everything else. It's just a quick cute little tool for sharing and storing what you are up too, without potentially giving out too much info (TMI).
I find facebook a bit confusing in other areas, but the photo upload is super easy, and you can hold 60 photos in an album. I haven't figured out whether the albums are limited or not!! Flickr seems easy to use to, need to look into it more. Myspace allows you to make slideshows, but the whole thing is slightly confusing.
Anyhow, that's what my geek techy side has been doing lately.
And you know those great photos that come up on your screen saver, but you actually can never find. I found that the Windows Media Player allows you to pull up all photos WITH the dates they were downloaded. It's been easier for me than doing a computer search and everything is just sort of jumbled together.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
You know my dad tried that on me too. "I don't understand what you mean". So I laid it out over and over until I got the following response "I am not stupid, of course I understand what you are saying".
It was important to me that both my parents could not claim "they were not told" or "they did not understand". I guarantee they both understood from the get go, but it's a common "matyred me" ploy. Once they can't say they don't get it anymore without looking like an idiot, then (for me anyway) I was on my way to freedom and closure.
That, and I just did not accept any excuses anymore. ME: "The monster told me to FO when I said she wasn't going to sell my house"DAD: "She was just diagnosed with diabetes and is upset." ME: "I don't accept that as an excuse from her, or a reason to talk to you more on it." DAD: speechless, as there is no argument for that.
I drew my line in the sand with 1600 foot high concrete wall that went divided us across the world and 1600 foot into the earth until or unless he could respect me. That doesn't happen, oh well. It'snot my loss by any means. In fact, I hope he never claims he can, so I just don't need to deal with him. He is just not a nice person.It's easier to forgive things if you have ever felt loved. I never have or at least since third grade when I started to formulate my own opinions.
I often wonder was it just that I wasn't a boy OR that h ejust didn't want children (but he accepts my stepbrother easily enough no matter what he does) OR he just hates females OR he just
hates me. It's an unanswerable question, and no matter what the answer is, there is just one bottom line there.
And you know what,it's not my problem!!! It's his.My boundaries are my boundaries, whether he understands them or not,that is HIS problem, NOT mine.
I have not "somewhat connected" with three members of my family, my father, my mother, and my stepmother. By default of my mother, I guess my step father, but I think it's that we both don't want to third party the other. We never would have just talked on the phone before anyway. I have nothing against him, is what I guess I am trying to say.
What are your goals regarding the Family Rift?
To go on with a fruitful, productive and mostly happy life. To feelgood that the decisions I made were based on some not easy but fairenough decisions.
What did/do you need to heal?
Well apologies and acknowledgements would be just lovely. Respectof my boundaries.
But that ain't gonna happen!! So accepting that it is what it is,and nothing I am going to do is going to change that. Including submitting to their wishes and wills.
Do you hope to establish reconnection?
AT this point, I hope they stay far far away, quite frankly. If at some distant point in time something changed drastically, and I do mean drastically, I would try and entertain the idea with an open mind.
to what degree?
If a drastic change happened, I imagine it would still be a very limited and superficial degree for my own sanity. It's hard to wrap my mind around something or someone changing so drastically.
Why and How?
I can't even begin to imagine why or how this would come about.This is beyond my very vivid imagination.
Or do you only hope to make sense of your estrangement, remaining disconnected, and why/how?
I think I have made sense of my estrangement. My dad hates females,and never wanted a kid. Mystery sort of solved. My step mother for some reason thought I was the equivalent of my mother, who my dad was glad to be rid of, but still treated me like the mistress living in her house. Mystery solved there as well. My mom felt entitledto things that I could not give her materially or emotionally as payment for having me in the first place. Again, mystery solved.Now years and events happened during a period of (I am counting afterI left the house) of 10 years with my mother's estrangement and a good 18 or more years with my father/step mother estrangement. All of this emotional and verbal abuse finally became clear to me as something I did not need to allow or deal with. I have given them options, made consessions, and the same has not been done for me because I am their "property/child".Many days writing and analyzing my feelings are the how. Even conversations with the parents since even if they happened via e-mailor on my blog. They really made things very crystal clear for me.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Out on assignment walking a client's dog today, and in order to use the backroads to get there and back, I have no reasonable alternative other than to pass near the S Donor's house. You know they have a summer home exactly one street over.
Darned it, don't I see a for sale sign either at their house or their neighbor's house. They were there, so I couldn't very well investigate.
Can you say Hoo Fing Ray!!! OMG, this is the best birthday present (it passed but is in this month) ever if I am right!!!! I only hope for their sake, the Monster isn't trying this on her own LOL.
Oh Dammit to hell!! It's the fing neighbor to them's house that is up for sale:( I almost had the best birthday present ever:(
Thursday, August 14, 2008
1. Well blogspot of course. The only downside to typepad is there is no photo album!! However, there is also no fee, and no hyjinx with billing. I hate typepad, and I love blogspot. As soon as I get all my typepad stuff over here, they are gone!!
2. Feedburner. This is what gets your blog out there to various services. It also foots posts that you program on blogspot's site feed to your blog. There can be some fun had there, let me tell you
3. Technorati. Not sure exactly what this does, other than puts my blogs on yet another service, which is not a bad thing. Also let's me customize tags for my blog as a whole. BE CAREFUL WITH THIS ONE, IT WILL POST YOUR REAL NAME ON EVERYTHING. SERIOUSLY. DON'T ASK HOW I KNOW THIS, BUT IT'S HOW MY FAMILY FOUND MY SITE!!! WHOOPS. OH, IT ALSO POSTS YOUR USER ID, SO DON'T USE YOUR NAME, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE FOUND. LIKE MY BUSINESS USES MY NAME:)
4. Google Video (used to be video egg or YouTube). Course this has had many glitches lately so in the meantime I have gone back to Youtube. Video Egg has gone commercial as in advertising, and you can no longer store your misc videos on there.
5. YouTube, a great place to store your video. Pretty easy to use as well, once you figure it out. You can also upload your video now right to blogspot, but I think there was a glitch so I stopped for awhile. Or I couldn't figure out how to have that video recognized elsewhere.
6. Yahoo images, to get those great cute cartoons on my blogs that I do not do or own myself.
7. http://mainepets.mainetoday.com/, is an alternate source for my dog training blog. It is peopled by mostly purely positive dog trainers and other professionals, and other people looking. So it's a great venue to get an alternative point of view out. Course, you can tell they are completely one sided, and I will likely never be a "featured" blogger no matter how much I contribute.
8. Sitemeter, so I can see who is visiting. Hahaheehee. Also to be very impressed with how much my visitors have grown, and that people seem to identify with the same, yet not much talked about, situation that I am in.
9. Livejournal. I can't remember why, but when I need it, I remember why!!! Do not use this that much, I suspect there is a blog there I frequent that required membership.
10. Google, I use the bookmark feature to store the blogs that I like to frequent.
11. Typepad, refusing to use for anything else other than to transfer my records over!!!
12. Blogroll. I also don't remember why. (Oh, whoops, okay it's because I found MyBlogLog that puts readers on your blog of the most recent kind, and catelogs blogs that you frequent)I think it's to be able to post other blogs you like on your website or as you add them. However, I haven't been able to really figure it out yet. Apparently there is also Blogrolling, of which I am also a member, and see where I can add the code.
13 Box.net I keep trying to figure this out. This is a service where you can share music downloaded to your computer on your blog or website!! There is a Pink song that I have wanted to put on THIS website for awhile. "You're just like a pill, instead of making me better you're making me ill." Pretty much says how I feel about certain members of my family!! Well not any more, the no contact thing has made me better ie not taking the pill.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I found another "dear john" letter to my donor as follows:
No harm has been done, I just didn't want any lasting "confusion" to be on my part at all. If you are unclear on my reasons, I wanted to reiterate what they were again.
I know how it feels to hurt over these familial problems. I was quite hurt (when my request to let this house sale be a non-problem was not honored by either of you. I was further hurt when you both insisted on revisiting it, knowing that Robert's mom was dying. It was pretty crushing to me, because although I believed you both to be selfish and controlling, I thought in the end that my plea to be left alone during this extremely painful portion of me and Rob's life would be respected. Not only did you both bother him during a stressful time (he won't say this but I will), but you made this selling of our personal property so much more than that. It didn't need to be. I am sorry the other e-mails hurt you, but I wanted you to know this was not the only incident that was making me feel completely disrespected and uncared for. It would have been pretty bad even if this was the only incident.
I had never meant to tell either of you these things, as the past is the past. I am not going to change the person you are, or who Betty Ann is. It would be an exercise in futility, but I can control how I allow myself to be treated and what my boundaries are. There is no denying that. I have gone through enough pain about this in my life.
Finally, you furthered the hurt by not allowing us to just work on our relationship, but again insisting on jamming Betty Ann down my throat as you did 18 years ago. I should have never given in to you then, and we would either be beyond this point now, or we wouldn't have talked since. And I further take responsibility for repairing the breach with Betty Ann when her mother died. I gave her the idea that she could still do this, but she used to be a lot more subtle about it.
Parents during estrangement say "I didn't know this, therefore it's your fault". According to the above, to an extent that is true. However, just because you don't know that someone doesn't like to be verbally and emotionally abused does not mean that you have the right to continue to do that. Also, when I stood up for myself in the past, you made my life miserable, and the only way I have been able to cope for the last 18 years is to make as few waves as possible. I also don't like to be the B word that Betty Ann is very comfortable being. It doesn't make for nice relationships for me, and these are relationships I shouldn't have to fight that hard for. I know because I have them and other people have them, it is quite possible to disagree; respect anothers wishes, respect their different beliefs, respect their different values, and still love them (through actions not words) as a cherished family members.
Until this incident, I have treated both of you as cherished family members. Both of your disrespect, not subsequent e-mails, has hurt me deeply and caused a relationship with you to be impossible for me. If at some point, you can see this "condition" that you demand is not acceptable, we may be able to talk (I realize this would require you to make an unselfish act on your part). As is, please do not contact me again.
I accept your apology below. I am going to work on my business again now, and continue enjoying the life and people in it that I am lucky to have, and show me the same.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
It's my birthday aggggaaaaiiiinnnn. Birthdays are okay, as are holidays (Halloween being my personal favorite). However doing good things for youself on occaision on any given day are much better. Do you really need that one day a year to come to pamper youself a bit?
My actual birthday was spent helping a client out in Portland ME first thing, as Robert took care of two dogs being picked up here. Since I love what I do, there is no better birthday present than being able to do this now for my actual bona fide living.
Earlier this year I bought myself some Ed Hardy sunglasses, which I love. Sadly, before my birthday a screw came out, now I need to return them to zappos.com. Thank Goodness for their good customer service and 365 day return policy!!! These sunglasses were not cheap, and hopefully I will get a replacement with the screw NOT coming out!!
Robert got me a bottle of Six Grapes (not the best but quite tasty) Port for me to enjoy. Then on Sunday (a day later than my birthday) we went to Wentworth by the Sea for brunch. We had an Easter Brunch there earlier on. Always good, and I gorged myself on Shrimp, Salmon, Chicken, Mozzarelly Cheese, Oysters, Herb Encrusted Chicken, and then a bevvy of small desert delights.
We later wandered around the ocean sightings, and then returned back home for a lazy day.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I mentally remember that I put a human and dog aggressive, Gigi, in her crate last night, and realize it's my cousin. The same cousin that I told not to come into the house as I had an aggressive dog that I was training. Realizing people never listen to you, Gigi has been spending the nights in her crate just because of situations like this.
By now, I am stumbling around my pitch black and very noisy (Doberman alarm barks) room trying to find something to cover me up. Realize I don't have a bra on, so grab my robe to cover up any noticeability of that, and groggily make my way down the stairs. Everything is very fuzzy because I have no glasses on.
"Oh, were you asleep? I assumed you weren't because your lights were on." Oh, and just talked to your husband and he's in Portsmouth with his friend? (also found out later husband told my cousing that I was sleeping) Luckily or maybe not so luckily, I was too groggy to loose my temper. As he babbled on about how his plans had changed and "we just stopped over' (we?--thought he meant his new "girlfriend" but now perhaps think it was my two other cousins probably figuring I was freakin asleep) and he didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. And of course, I am just waiting twiddling my thumbs for everyone to sneak over after the monster and the donor's house party for everyone to say goodbye. That's what we do around here, we just wait for people to come over unannounced. In fact, that's what I am going to do right now, as I have been informed that my other two cousins are going to find a way to come over here today. Oh goody, I will just sit at the kitchen table now and wait for the knock, oh no that's right they don't knock they just come in, to happen.
I won't even tell you what we were doing one other time when they dropped in because they could finally break free from the other house. Nothing like a little warning. Do they think that a married couple might have some, er, private moments best left to themselves? Jesus. A little ringy dingy would be nice.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Friday, July 04, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Middle Aged Princessis moving this blog to this new blogspot address..
Typepad is a service that I have used for a couple of years now. I haven't been entirely happy with them as they say you are paying the "pro" charge for a certain space of storage for files that you can never upload. Then they began hiding that info in the account, so you wouldn't know how much you were not getting.
So they prebill years, and that's fine. Last year they collected two years of payments from me erroneously. I was fine with that, as I saw my account page showed me up to date until June 2009. Then the end of June comes, AND MY ACCOUNT IS SHUT OFF. I explain what happens, and the accounting/customer service department starts talking to me like I am the idiot. I just love that, and they are not listening.
From June 19th until June 24th, they insist there is no fax number or e-mail to send billing documents to, but that you need to upload. What a perfect opportunity to demonstrate how the upload tool DOES NOT WORK. Yeah, good luck with that.
So after having to send several nasty messages to customer service, I finally get the e-mail that I needed. Course they send over the wrong one first, and then taunt me that if I send it by fax it will just take longer. I have very rarely had such bad service before. I can assure you, that I have never done business with the company again that gave it to me.
So I send the the pdf file with all of the credit card info, they can't find the e-mail for two more days. By the time they do, they claim they can only see one page of a 9 page pdf. Fine, I start sending them it page by page. Now the story is the file was damaged, they couldn't read it at all, but brought in a team of experts that worked on it for 30 seconds, and bingo they have the info that they need.
Course now they are refusing to refund me the money, even if I cancel the service and they can't deliver the service that I am paying for. So I will now commence my daily posting on this blog of exactly this statement for every day of service. You know, you just don't want to piss me off in this way.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Pros and Cons of Family Estrangement
A Mother Talks About Her Part in Estrangement
Born Standing Up, A Summary of Steve Martin's book
Margo's Advice for Overbearing Father in Law
Thursday, June 19, 2008
- I have to pee right now, but realize I haven't updated this blog since Monday!!
- I am confused by why my step-monster has added her previous marriage name to her last name as in [old married name]-[new married name]. That would piss me off!!
- I miss my hubby when he doesn't work from home:(
- My eyes itch, I believe I forgot my friggin allergy medicine-----AGAIN.
- Okay, I gave up wine, weight should go down already. Really, this is madness.
- I have six dogs sound asleep and snoring all around me.
- Found out that Devon, my tenant's dog, can and will catch and kill birds. A little different than being a hunting "bird" dog, as they are dented when he retrieves them back.
- Coffee intake in the morning, makes me really have to pee. Yet, I forget to when I get busy.
- I really think people should believe everything that I do.
- Little concerned that their may be a bee's nest in the attic. Good job for super hubby.
- Need to wash down old lady's crate for incontinence in the evening or early morning hours. One would think I would learn to get up a little earlier, but I always think I am going to avoid it.
- I used to want big boobs, now I would kill for my A sized ones back.
- My feet are suffering from the summer dog training months, as usual, with blisters and roughness.
Monday, June 16, 2008
1. What was I doing ten years ago?
So that would be around 1998. I was working in public accounting and married:) We have been married for 17 years now. I was with one of my favorite employers SKBKF, but getting a bit bored. I wanted to go into private manufacturing, which I did the next year. While it made me the most money, it was a miserable experience in so many ways.
2. What are five things on my list to do today?
b) Get dressed
c) Meet with client
d) Train with Bri
e) Train with Jackie
3. Snacks I enjoy?
Is it edible???? I am there.
4. Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire? Well, I would have a house anywhere that I liked to vacation for one. Two, I would probably set up self funded training programs for animal shelters.
5. Three of my bad habits?
Oh thank God I only have to divulge three.
a) being on the infernal internet
c) accepting that I am not in control of everything:)
6. Five places I have lived?
a) Worcester MA
b) Holden MA, where if you are a minority, you are the only one LOL.
c) Lowell MA, the pit of Massachusetts!!!
d) Southbridge MA, if you like dining out or doing anything, do not live here!!
e) York ME
7. Five jobs that you have had?
a) grave digger or cemetry raking, leave blowing person
b) janitor at movie theatre
c) candy girl at movie theatre (guess they thought my hottness during nineteen shouldn't be hidden
d) goodwill clothes sorter
e) all night gas station attendant---filed under scariest job ever!!
8. How did you name your blog? My family actually does suck LOL.
Ok tag. You are “it”.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Gramp loved kids and babies. He very much loved his grandkids and later great grand kids. He came from a large family of eight or nine siblings. I think he has one sister left, and everyone else has passed on. I hope my gramp has been reunited with them and his parents as well. I know it was tough for both Gramp and Gram to see their sisters and brothers mostly pass on before them. They both lived to see my step brother, Josh, die as well.
Happy father's day Grandpa. I miss you, and hope you are with your loved ones. We will see you a little later!! I hope you have found birds to feed up there!!
My father in law passed away earlier on this year. Actually just last month:( I hope he and my mother in law are united. They were also a dynamic couple who loved their kids and grandkids. When they were younger, they did a lot of traveling together. My father in law didn't feel quite up to it anymore later on in life. He had a very hard time with his bipolar disease through his whole life, but still managed to have an independent life, work, and support his family. It was a condition that would have put a strain on the best of marriages, but their marriage survived it.
He and my husband talked almost every day on the phone about something. He looooovvvveed sports. He had bonded with the boys over that early on. Although he was not biologically my husband's father, he was the only one to be a father to my husband thru both childhood and adulthood.
He also loved dogs, and he would talk to me about that as long as I wanted to:) Happy father's day Poop, you were a good dad to a lot of people. We will meet up with you later on!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
- Laceless sneakers or slip ons that are supporting and comfortable.
- Digital cameras.
- Digital camcorders.
- Movies on Demand.
- Convertible leashes (shoulder strap, two dog, one dog et al).
- Moisturizer and sunscreen.
- Flat screen tvs and computer monitors.
- Items like the blackberry.
- Blogging software and storage online.
- Video upload and storage online.
- Ipods and mp3 technology.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
This friend had been my absolute best friend during the first year of college. I loved their sense of humor, sense of fun, and they were easy enough to get along with. The sense of humor was a biting sort of sarcasm, but I always thought said with a twinkle in the eye at the time. This friend had introduced me to the favorite term during college "fuck me with a rusty chain saw" which still makes me chuckle to this day. They were just kind of out there and a bit different, which appealed to me and still does appeal to me. Most likely because I felt like I never fit in. However, I think of my friend as more the cool kid, although they may not think or have thought of themselves that way. May have felt more like I did then, than I ever imagined.
My friend was very into reading things that I would never be into. I found that interesting however. I always perceived them to be something of a good student, but not focused on any one discipline. I could picture them being anything that they wanted to.
I should point out, there was a bit of an identity or coming out crisis with this friend. Something that, after seeing them, I think is still struggled with to this day. I only say this because they felt more closed off and angry to me, then I had (at least) perceived 22 years ago. Not necessarily that they were acting angry towards me or anything, it was a certain vibe I got, and something that I had either not picked up on before or had not recognized (if I am indeed correct) until now. Being asked what they were doing or anything, suddenly made them seem quiet and reserved. Is it because they still not feel confident having come out? I mean the discipline photography itself, is nothing too radical. Personally, I don't find the subject matter all that radical in this day and age. As far as lifestyle, I was always brought up to believe what two adults (or more by the way) did in their private lives (assuming everyone is of age, consensual, of the human species, and not bizarrely related) is really their own business. I know at one point it was perceived to be a problem by my friend, as I was weirded out when another friend of my same sex hit on me.
This was during college obviously. The reason that it was weird was that she was truly a friend, and there was no hint of chemistry ever between us. It's a bit different that I thought it was weird she would do that, and my other friend having relations with people who were my friends too. I was happy for them when they finally came out to me. The reason they hadn't been honest from the beginning was because of my reaction to the other incident, which in my mind, was far removed.
So it may have been weird meeting my husband and niece and not knowing if they were accepted or not. I not thinking about it beforehand, didn't think to have the discussion with anyone, because it doesn't seem that unusual to me and felt that aspect would be ho hum by now.
It also could have been, this friend never liked me as much as I liked them LOL. I think that is true of a lot of friends that I have lost contact with. I don't know why that is, but I seem to have valued them much more than they valued me. And this is only my thought process here, as it wasn't a bad meeting, but there was definitely a bit of awkwardness and trying to recognize the person that I knew in college. Probably the same on the other end, as I was a wilder girl and a lot less reserved, I guess. Maybe not all that much. I much more enjoyed this friend's antics than I would have ever had I initiated them myself.
I also don't think my friend has a lot of hetero friends!! I am not sure, but in talking to him, he felt awkward about talking to other hetero friends about their relations or kids. I don't understand the difference between the two really, other than one couple is same sex and the other isn't. Normally relationships are relationships and really, there are the same things to talk about.
Just found it interesting how an interaction twenty years apart had these different nuances, where it is hard to let your guard down and just maybe enjoy each other. Which we did!!! you know what I mean, it will probably always be awkward on some level seeing old friends with that time passing.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I think almost every horror movie has a family estrangement story of some sort in there. This movie, Dirt Boy, is no exception, but it is part of a mystery.
This was filmed in the Cape Cod area, and is obviously and independent film. This film was very good, and not the disappointment of other independent horror films where you actually hear the director shouting cut or see the mike!!!
This film was very well done, and I found it hard to go away for a drink, bathroom or anything before it was done. I very much enjoyed this. I had my doubts considering it was an American made horror movie on Netflix's play immediately list LOL. In fact, I forgot to play it on my computer, and was bummed when it came in on DVD. I loved this movie though.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Thursday, June 05, 2008
1) Franklin Park Zoo with their butterfly sanctuary and bird aviary.
2) Visit our niece, Mychal. Smarty pants who is getting excellent grades in college.
3) Restaurants, although we don't have a particular favorite in Boston. though the steakhouse at the armory, has been one that we have gone to more than once.
4) Comedy shows of course.
5) Shopping on Newbury Street or Copley Place.
6) Antiquing on Charles Street.
7) Walking tours.
8) The Duck tours.
9) The science museum, and especially looking forward to seeing U2 on Imax or the surround theater (which I think is different).
10) Staying on the concierge floor at the Ritz (though since the remodeled the old and new, this will tend to be too pricey this visit:(
11) Indoor pool at the hotel that is roof top and under the star skylight!!
12) Cocktails at night after shows. Well, and dessert as well.
13) Visiting high end furniture stores, and drooling.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
People of my generation are largely from divorced homes. I am. My husband is. At least 50% of our friends are. 50% of Robert's siblings are as well. None of my female cousins (three of them) have gotten married or had children. So I think there is a lot of truth to not wanting to have a bad marriage, first and foremost, over the desire to get married.
I, personally, think this is healthy. I have never really related to women just desperate to get married. The ones who the first boyfriend that asks, is definately going to be said yes to. When you are very familiar with the dynamics of a bad marriage, then you are probably not going to want to go in that direction. This is why I have always been one for living together. My grandparents and I am sure that my father, were aghast at this. Course the situation where I walked out of my father's house kept him from complaining too much about it.
Robert and I lived together for 5 years before we got married. At that point, it was a foregone conclusion that we planned to be together, and we just wanted a party quite frankly LOL. And 17 years later, we are still married and have been together for 22 years.
Whereas my parents "gunshot" wedding at 19 years old was basically a recipe for disaster. A cousin recently replayed such a scenario in their marriage. To get married just to get married without much thought of combatibility or "trying it out first", I think is a foolish endeavour. It's not a great plan for family life either. Robert and I were lucky to have grown together well. The reason I wouldn't have jumped into marriage early on, nor Robert, was to be sure that a young (in our years) relationship was just not something that would go south one day. I was 19 when I met Robert, so all I could think about was the distaster that was my parents marriage.
That's not to say things were daisies and rose petals during those young years. We had some fights then, over things we would not blink over now!! But it takes learning about life, communication, and how life changes to begin to deal with those things maturely. I mean how else could a marriage go through the changes we face now, mainly the death of Robert's two parents over a three year period of time. That is a huge change for him, and for me. He lost two best friends who he has known for most of his life. They have been his center, and now that center is gone. When you are young, you might think your relationship will weather this easily. That is only true if you truly have a strong relationship to begin with. One that is built not only on love (though that is wicked important), but trust, respect, giving, caring, selflessness, et. Oh, and a healthy sense of humor helps:)
Sunday, June 01, 2008
"If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim." Richard Bach
Latin victima; perhaps akin to Old High German wīh holy
1: a living being sacrificed to a deity or in the performance of a religious rite2: one that is acted on and usu. adversely affected by a force or agent
I was subjected to "oppression" until I took control. People who take control of their lives, with responsibility and looking at all angles, are not victims. Other people may not agree with their actions, but according to the definition above, to be held to stranger's in society's wants, would be being a victim. To be held in servitude to others, is being a victim.
Saying no, setting boundaries, and limitations is not being a victim. It is not the problem of the individual setting the boundaries, if another can not respect them (being that they are reasonable, and not totally out there). Settling for less than what you need in a relationship, is being a victim. Being able to give as well as recieve in a relationship, is not being a victim.
Strange when the people trying to oppress you, say you think YOU are the victim, when you finally take your life back.
As far as me I live where I want near the beach, have a successful marriage and family life (minus three people by my choice), work in a field I love, and have discovered how to run my own business(es). I don't feel very "destroyed". There were periods in my life where I felt trapped to not be myself. Those days are over, and have been for a long long time. That's very freeing and positive.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The enclosed picture is just a funny picture that I found BTW, and not a picture of the Estrangement Queen.
I should warn readers, and perhaps put up this message on a monthly basis. If you poke the Estrangement Queen (and you will only be likely to know who that is if you follow this blog), she will try to glean any information that she can about you. She will try to hunt you down. She does not understand the definition of boundaries, unless it relates to her.
It's sad yet true. I don't even know how she found out where one person works!! Here is what she said about another that dared to disagree (and what she went out and found about about him):
"Mr. Blue/Keillor told me that I wasn't really estranged, that my style was combative, and that I shouldn't write a book. It sounded to me like, "Silly woman! Get your head on straight! Your daughter isn't really not talking to you but you have a combative style and that is the problem and, for heaven's sake, don't write a book .... that would be just .... silly!"My response to this in email was ... combative! I informed Mr. Keillor/Blue that he must have issues with his mother and/or his ex-wife and that I had sent in my question to him as an experiment in asking a columnist anything and he had failed the test! Thereby confirming for him his point about my combativeness! Remembering that makes me smile a bit."
Yes, he failed the test by not agreeing with her, and must have a problem with women because he agreed WITH HER DAUGHTER who didn't even have to talk for herself for the point to come across!!
"Dear Rejected,This is a grievous story and I am sorry for your loss of the adult friendship of a child. But your combative tone makes me think that you have blundered into this situation and antagonized your daughter on your own steam. You say this started back when you got upset about her taking you for granted? Good Lord, madame, that is a poor pretext for a fight with your only child, I must say. God knows, it's human enough to get upset, but there comes a point when you simply must accept your children as they are, stop prodding and pushing and punishing them, and learn to enjoy their company. You weren't rejected: You simply got into a fight you had no business fighting, and you wound up the loser. It's a sad fact that our power to anger and alienate others is so immense and our power to reconcile is so pitifully small. The lesson is: Be slow to anger. Don't be right every time you have a chance to. And don't go off writing a book about this as a further exercise in self-justification. If you need to write something, try writing an apology."
And then the search for info:
"Online .... amazing what you can learn online these days!... I learned that Garrison Keillor's daughter was born in 1998. She is his first daughter. He is now 62. He has a son who was born in 1969. His son is 3 years younger than my daughter. His son works for him. Garrison Keillor has been married 3 times and was estranged for a time from the city of St. Paul, Minnesota but they have since made up.
I learned that Garrison Keillor was raised in a conservative religious family that belonged to the Plymouth Brethren. I know more about Brethren in general than I know about Garrison Keillor. I know that they are truly very conservative. That their beliefs about how to live a life would have been very different from that of a popular writer/entertainer who makes his living creating radio shows and books. I read that he suffered from shyness although that is hard for me to believe as I have struggled mightily with shyness and fears throughout my life and I can't imagine how a truly shy person could have lived a Garrison Keillor sort of life! But this may be due to a shortage of imagination on my part. If he is a Shy Person, then he deserves credit for overcoming his Shy Side and forging on with life"
Shyness is not a disease for God's sake, first of all. I am shy. I need to get things done, therefore, I can not revert into myself as I might prefer. She talks about it like some monumental task that only she has taken on, like having to work for almost no money when you are young.
Any who, be warned Ye Who Visited the Lair of the Estrangement Queen. With programs like site meter, being anonymous is sometimes not protection enough!!!
You know, I like to research people too. There was a guest on Howard Stern that had a lot to do with Satellite radio, and I found his story interesting. Or a celebrity you like dies, or another dog trainer posts an article. But I think something is very very wrong with someone who needs to hunt down each and every person that does not agree with them!!! I mean, some people don't agree with you and in fact will never agree with you, right. The world still manages to turn on it's axis somehow though.