Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Family Rifts Posting-Goals Regarding Estrangement


In answer to another board member's posting, these were my answers to her questions regarding goals:

I have not "somewhat connected" with three members of my family, my father, my mother, and my stepmother. By default of my mother, I guess my step father, but I think it's that we both don't want to third party the other. We never would have just talked on the phone before anyway. I have nothing against him, is what I guess I am trying to say.

What are your goals regarding the Family Rift?

To go on with a fruitful, productive and mostly happy life. To feelgood that the decisions I made were based on some not easy but fairenough decisions.

What did/do you need to heal?

Well apologies and acknowledgements would be just lovely. Respectof my boundaries.

But that ain't gonna happen!! So accepting that it is what it is,and nothing I am going to do is going to change that. Including submitting to their wishes and wills.

Do you hope to establish reconnection?

AT this point, I hope they stay far far away, quite frankly. If at some distant point in time something changed drastically, and I do mean drastically, I would try and entertain the idea with an open mind.

to what degree?

If a drastic change happened, I imagine it would still be a very limited and superficial degree for my own sanity. It's hard to wrap my mind around something or someone changing so drastically.

Why and How?

I can't even begin to imagine why or how this would come about.This is beyond my very vivid imagination.

Or do you only hope to make sense of your estrangement, remaining disconnected, and why/how?

I think I have made sense of my estrangement. My dad hates females,and never wanted a kid. Mystery sort of solved. My step mother for some reason thought I was the equivalent of my mother, who my dad was glad to be rid of, but still treated me like the mistress living in her house. Mystery solved there as well. My mom felt entitledto things that I could not give her materially or emotionally as payment for having me in the first place. Again, mystery solved.Now years and events happened during a period of (I am counting afterI left the house) of 10 years with my mother's estrangement and a good 18 or more years with my father/step mother estrangement. All of this emotional and verbal abuse finally became clear to me as something I did not need to allow or deal with. I have given them options, made consessions, and the same has not been done for me because I am their "property/child".Many days writing and analyzing my feelings are the how. Even conversations with the parents since even if they happened via e-mailor on my blog. They really made things very crystal clear for me.

5 comments:

Queen of no man's land said...

Hey it's me... from over there..yea that one..

woman.. I have followed your blog for a long time.. and I want to tell you how proud I am of how you have matured as you have worked your way through the family issues that were flung at you..

You took it one step at a time.. sometimes just baby steps that you could handle,, and then...you came out the other side.. and wonderful person and a wonderful writer..

Thank you for letting me follow you along your journey...

winterskibunny said...

Thank you. That may be one of the nicest things anyone has ever written to me:)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you father was much worse than your mother, yet it took longer for you to decide not to have anything to do with him.

Have you ever considered that your father, being the hateful and mean person he is, might have alienated you from your mother in revenge for her leaving him? Just food for thought.

winterskibunny said...

I sympathized with my mother for a long time, before I realized who she really was.

I did cut ties with my father when I was 19 or so, and reconciled tentatively. I never let him close enough to disappoint me.

He pushed it to a point later where he could have no relationship, not even an artifial completely superficial one.

My mother pretended to be someone who cared about me, but in the end only cared about one person, herself. My father never really pretended to be anything other than the A hole he is. Probably because he's not as bright as he think he is.

I am also not helpless at someone else's whims of revenge, otherwise I would have broken into my father's house and stole on my mother's urging. Yes, she was a saint NOT>

Oh, and in case it's you, hi there egg donor.

winterskibunny said...

I hate the whole helplessly influenced thing by the way.

Pushes my buttons as that's always another family members excuse for the thing they could or couldn't do. Stupid.

We all make our own decisions. My Sperm Donor and I NEVER got along because everything I did was contrary to what he wanted me to do, genuis.