Monday, December 31, 2007
January 2007 "Do you know that friction plus panty elastic can create quite a painful welt in your butt?"
February 2007 "I have been in a such a good mood lately, that it's been kind of a struggle to write about this stuff ."
March 2007 "Convenience stores are manned by clerks who don't understand the "convenience" part of the title. "
April 2007 "Our guests yesterday were delightful. Very good time. I am not usually a baby person, but baby Cole was way cute. Leon was especially enamored of him. "
May 2007 "Dear Daughter,Let's start with most recent events first. I should not only have continued to send you holiday cards (or just sent them at all as I usually don't), and additionally should not have ripped up holiday cards from you as they were not addressed to my wife who has behaved in an irrepairable way towards yourself."
June 2007 "Okay this is pretty cool. Computer screen in tables with advanced grabbing techology to be marketed to hotels and restaurants first."
July 2007 "---I went to the Adult Children of Narcistic parents board, and was shocked to find a discussion on parents who use pets against their children. It so parralled my dad's own post to my blog, and my reply that he neglected and killed off OUR pets rather than take care of them, give them to me, or find them an appropriate home!!"
August 2007 "Soon after my last post, the first of some dog trainer guests came over. I have been attending a dog training school run by Margot Woods. It got a bit busy once visitors came and the school got started, needless to say."
September 2007 "Okay, I agreed to give up wine until Halloween, which will probably continue to fit in nicely with my weight goals. And my husband agreed to give up his vice, which I will mysteriously leave out LOL."
October 2007 "So my father-in-law, as I mentioned, is incredibly lonely after the loss of his wife. It's been almost two years now. One of his sons set him up with an internet contact, probably not envisioning what would happen next. He meant to set him up with someone close by, but confused a town in one state, with the same named town in another state hundreds of miles away."
November 2007 "A constant drip drip of anything will eventually wake me up, I will have to seek it out, and shut it off."
December 2007 "Okay, so I have renewed my vow to conquer my fat, so I won't be whining about it next year. Exercise has been a bit of a challenge since, I once again allowed myself to get out of shape. So I need a little motivation, a little pep, that does not come in a candy wrapper or a wine bottle (calories you know)."
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Bhutto's fears came to an end today. Though it seemed destined to happen, a lot of people were pulling for her. We will now never know if she would have made the difference that we were all hoping for.
Rest in peace, Benazir.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Course S and M would have been there in what is reportably a small house. It would have been interesting to watch them squirm all evening or for M to show her true colors. However, that's really not so Christmas like, so it's probably better that we did not go.
So now it's Christmas morning, and I heard my husband go downstairs to start Chrismas breakfast. Normally we have cinnamon rolls, but I don't think he got those yesterday. Or he was goading me when he was talking about waffles et. (not that I don't love my husband's waffles)
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
- Sexual orientation (ie homosexual or heterosexual).
- Race of friends or spouse, if you family is racist.
- Money, as in one owes the other money.
- Inheritance squabbles.
- One family member no longer wants to be controlled by another or "dance to their tune".
- Differences or conflicts in religious beliefs.
- The dramas that happen during a divorce.
- One's spouse is not welcomed in or is not approved of.
- Abandonment of a family member (usually a parent leaving the family).
- Not recognizing children or parents as individual people, but belongings instead.
- Unforgiven memories of physical, verbal, or sexual abuse.
- Strong political opinions that differ.
- Jealousies of status.
***The picture above represents the reason for my split from the monster and S Donor. They felt they had the right to sell MY house. They argued about this during the time my mother in law was dying. I am not putting up with it any more. For two years now since last October, as a matter of fact.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
My cousins were always there, and this was like a built in play group, of which I belonged. Normally, Kaya and I hung out and ran along the house running our hands along the newly washed tile walls. Or sneaking to the stockings to see what we could get away with seeing in there.
Also, the great aunts, uncles, third and second cousins, and friends of my grandparents were always so much fun. I also remember spending New Year's Eve with my grandparents, and we would play bingo with them their friends and siblings until the wee hours. I was always made to feel special there, which was so different than my home life.
Young Adulthood: My parents were newly divorced. There was tension as far as where I would spend Christmas or Thanksgiving. I would fly, which I hated, and later drive 8 hours to see her, where she was mostly interested in.....her. Which was fine actually, but we or I were never allowed to relax and be ourselves, like you can be with people who truly love YOU. It was like being on stage and expected to put on a master performance. The gifts had to be wrapped just right, there had to be the right amount of perfection in the gifts, et.
Christmas with my family became dodging bullets for the latest story my S Donor or Monster relayed about me. Having fifteen minutes of conversation with my father, and then getting presents that the monster obviously picked out for me. Always a sweater or purse in a conservative style. Or perhaps a hat. I was always appreciative, but I have recently realized that I have hung onto these things that are not my style, and are now unwelcome reminders of them. Plus, I hate "Christmas Santa" sweaters. I mean, how many times a year can you wear those?
I would be incredibly grumpy before going there, and my husband always pointed this out to me. I hated it so much, except for seeing my cousins.
Around my mid 30s to recently: At some point, the celebration moved to the monster's house. It always felt like a stage production there, especially if you could see behind the scenes. She wanted to be "the great good woman" instead of the monster she was. The thing is while she put on the "show" she resented every moment of it. However it needed to look perfect, and like we were all one happy family. I played along with this for a very long time. I still enjoyed seeing my cousins, but got increasingly grumpier.
I longed for the days where this was at my grandmother's house. She, by the way, was not allowed to the final Christmas with us, as she might get upset going back to the rest home. Then she was gone. The monster would have never put such a stipulation on her father.
After Estrangement: It's been two years estranged from the S Donor. Last year, I was not at all in the mood for the holidays. Not because of missing going to the family gathering, but I was exhausted after being busy in my business, and still exploring how I felt about the players and the estrangement. I was busy making peace with how I felt. Also my mother in law and my dog Netpune had both died around Christmas. So a whole bunch of negative feelings around the holiday prevailed, although I know it's not the holiday's fault. My Jewish husband decorated for Christmas, and held with the things we normally do on OUR Christmas (ie cinnamon buns for breakfast, and Chinese food for dinner on Christmas Eve and leftovers on Christmas).
This year, I am a bit more into it. I am planning a holiday party for local businesses. I put up the decorations this year. I am feeling it again a bit more, and thankful for my marriage and life as always.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Anyhow, for the benefit of those who sometimes think they may have a problem, here is what I feel when it happens to me. Extreme reluctance to bathe (I am not saying I don't, I am saying getting there and doing that are suddenly a monumental task) Things that I enjoy suddenly spark no excitement or happiness in me. Things that are upsetting will always be upsetting, but this strikes when everything is basically okay. You feel like you are cut off and completely alone. Also without the will to move or do anything productive whatsoever.
I have mentioned that I probably had this at least from Junior High. It's something that I masked easily during those years. However, when you finally really get out of the "funk", there is no mistaking that this is the real you. When you are not the real you, you sorta know it, but don't know how to get there.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Anywho, doing my manic monday anyway:)
Manic Monday for December 17, 2007
What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening?
For one, it follows the perfect romantic day of exploring, or a long hike, or perhaps skiing. It ends at a very comfortable restaurant, with a fire going at this time of the year. The restaurant has excellent food, and an incredible wine list where you can order anything that you want by the glass. And the deserts..... Of course we are all tired from our physical activity, but were able to dress to the nines anyway.
Imagine you had to take part in the winter Olympics. What sport would you do? (Here's a link to the official sports, in case you need help.)
Skiing baby. Or hockey. I had always wanted to play hockey when I was a girl, but my parents made me take figure (yuck) skating instead. Never was there a girl that shouldn't have done anything dance related than me.
What's something that people do in traffic that really bothers you?
Probably yacking on the telephone, instead of paying attention to what is going on.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
As my dogs, whose bathroom is outside, will attest, IT IS SNOWING. Snowing hard as a matter of fact. It's almost hard for my Dobermans to pee and poop above the snow. We will probably have to shovel out an area for them when it slows a bit. Very good boys and girls today though, they sucked it up and got er done.
Yesterday, I was going to suggest a road trip. Looks like that is out for the day. It seemed like such an inspired idea yesterday, and today I can't even remember what it was. Looks like I am going to be cleaning, decorating, and making Christmas cards today. Also a list for the local business "cookie" party that I will be throwing together.
It's been lovely being able to enjoy December with mostly only my dogs in our house. Oh that's right, going to be doing some indoor training with Jackie today.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Spending The Holidays With Those You Enjoy
Family Relations and Their Affects on How You See The Holidays
Actual vs Other Hunger on The Holidays
Like It, Lump It, Or Crump It
Thursday, December 13, 2007
- My weight may have fluxuated, but it's still LESS than it was last year. It's also still going doooowwwwwnnnnnn.
- Annoying the Animal Rights Movement known as Truly Dog Friendly (NOT). This helps further keep them from their goals of putting dog trainers out of business that have ANY experience or knowledge for their train from the bed cookie slinging. (I am not talking about positive trainers here, I am talking about the extremists in my profession).
- Kept our house for one more year, during a very trying time. And it ain't been easy.
- Came close to making the gross sales goal for 2007, and it could still be done if I got one more board and train this year OR a slew of privates.
- Have been proactive in marketing my business. Need to get better but I am trying at least.
- Have come leaps and bounds with Jack this year. He now can do run thrus with me, and has started to finally focus on me instead of what's going on outside the ring (even when we set it up so there IS something going on outside the ring).
- Have gotten another dog and handler interested in obedience (Ally and Brie).
- Managed to rehome a dog after his first home was not able to follow thru on training. Rehomed to a proper and responsible home by the way.
- Did have a 70% increase in gross sales from last year (after COGS-cost of goods sold).
- Did not sell individual lessons this year, but packages and no apologies on exercises needed to be learned.
- Have made professional status with the IACP this year, meaning I will be able to start on my CDT exam for 2008!!
- Continued to flourish and grow despite my familial situation.
- Kept good mileage records this year, and would have been able to furnish myself with a payroll (no matter how meager) from my business.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Now for a yummy meat pie lunch from George's bakery where I used to live in Worcester MA. No matter what you think about Worcester, there are real gems there.
Monday, December 10, 2007
2. In your opinion, what should the Eighth Deadly Sin be?
3. If you were magically transformed into Snow White's Eighth Dwarf, what would your name be? (okay so there is 1) sneezy 2) bashful 3) sleepy 4) grumpy, my husband's name for me 5) dopey 6) Happy 7) Doc)
Hungry!! LOL, especially because I am trying to be good on my diet.
4. If you could add an Eleventh Commandment to the Christian bible, what would it be?
Thou shalt not annoy me
5. If you were to become the sixth Spice Girl, you would call yourself _______ Spice.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Friday, December 07, 2007
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Here is a gift list of thirteen things, that I have thoughtfully put together for you to choose from:
- A pack for Jack when we walk to and from the post office, so he can carry the mail back for me.
- Those silver Old Navy jeans. Okay, they would probably over emphasize my bottom side so....perhaps in a smaller size then, er, I take currently.
- An aquamarine tennis bracelet.(or garnet)
- Hallmark Peanuts Gang Christmas ornaments for this year, and if possible the other years that I missed:(
- Oh, a couple million dollars of course, to ease our mortgage restructure money woes, and make our future money worry free.
- A fully paid ski vacation this year!! With lessons from Jose in Stowe.
- A day at the spa for a facial and massage.
- Cross country ski equipment, and also equipment for Jack to do that with your dog.
- A new fleece jacket for Jack or Leon (old one is a little tight for Leon), and the old fleece will probably fit Jack well now that he's filled out a bit.
- Money for the operation for Leon's knees (only if you can guarantee he comes out of it okay).
- Personal trainer to kick my ass.
- A very luxurious make over for our master bath, with the emphasis on a luxury shower (as we did in our last house).
- Wood flooring for our master bedroom.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
--This led to an upset tummy, and vomit stains to be cleaned out of the carpets periodically (he did this unfound at night while we were sleeping, poor guy).
--While training Jackie, I left the lights on my Nissan during the 45 minute session. Car was dead, and I decided to walk back to the house, not realizing that on this main York road cars not only go fast, it was approaching night, and THERE IS NO SIDEWALK. I am lucky to have a dog that can heel with me closely so as we both didn't get hit.
--Husband FINALLY got around to getting an inspection sticker on his car, and he needed to get tires. Score, there were two used but like new tires that he could buy for 25.00 a piece. Unfortunately, the mechanic forgot to tighten up the lugnuts. Now we have a damaged car with an inspection sticker on it.
--And of course, the incident that started the whole week off.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
- She had pretty long brown hair when she was younger.
- She liked to play softball with friends when I was little. (at least I assume she liked it, later on she had a real hate for sports)
- She is good at baking and cooking.
- Angel food cakes were made for me from scratch on my birthday.
- She started her own antique business at 30 or so.
- She majored in biology in college and got her masters when I was small.
- She enjoyed clothes shopping, especially high end clothes at a Worcester store called David Berwicks (I think).
- Weddings are not among her favorite things.
- Independent "intellectual" films, plays, and dance are the types of entertainment that she enjoys. (or enjoyed, don't forget I haven't talked to her in 10 years)
- She felt trapped in her previous life.
Monday, December 03, 2007
1. What is your most enduring Christmas memory?
My Great Grandmother made all us, great grandchildren, these little bears. I always loved that bear, though I somehow lost it in my adult life.
2. Do you have a favourite piece of Christmas music?
Tansiberia Orchestra Christmas Eve Sarejevo (sp?)
3. Do you stick to the old family traditions?
Absolutely not!!! LOL. I like it to remain spontaneous these days, and totally enjoyable. I felt trapped for so long by our family traditions, that put a mask on our relationship in the family.
4. What makes your mouth water at Christmas time!?
Sugar or gingerbread Christmas cookies.
5. How soon do you put the Christmas tree up and when do you take it down?
This year, I chose to display my ornaments by hanging them around the house not on a tree. The tree thing is kind of a pain. There is always something wrong with the Christmas lights (though I still put those up) especially on the prelit trees. A great idea, but they seldom work.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
- The Irving (on the lip) kisses and my husband trying to avoid them (man, woman or child, you were not safe, especially from uncle D)
- The monster's friend, Amy's, husband getting trashed and puking in the front yard. I believe they were divorced shortly after.
- My husband and Kaya discovering a shared interest:)
- The year that I actually cooked (baked really), and it came out well. I made a date and goat cheese appetizer, and a ginger roll with lemon curd filling.
- The step snickering at my grandmother when she dropped a crumb on the floor.
- Finding out that my step nephew, who was coming to dinner, had recently held a knife up to his mother's throat.
- This same nephew demanding a beer (in earnest) when he was still less than fifteen right in the middle of a family gathering.
- Excellent sale at the Black Lion, where I got my S Donor a bunch of the glass ornaments that he likes for next to nothing (I do wish I had kept them for myself). On the other hand, much like the color white, me and glass do not mix.
- During college, a 3 am shopping trip for Christmas Gifts (LOL) at an Ames or something horrible like that.
- Last year, when my husband put up the Christmas tree and lights for me, because I wasn't quite in the mood.
- This year, our tenants made our yard a lighted winter wonderland:)
- The Christmas tree that Grampa kept draped in the basement, and then just "uncovered" (er, I mean decorated) each year. Ingenious really.
- Playing Uno with my parents during Christmas morning.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
- He loved national geographic, and we used to watch it together.
- He kept Captain Crunch cereal under the sink for me as a special treat, and if in season, it came with big fat blueberries on the bottom as a surprise,
- He used to have to read with a magnifying glass (by the way, I thinkI am headed in that direction).
- We also watched Lawrence Welk together.
- In the evenings, we enjoyed a bowl of jello made with canned fruit in it, and cool whip on the top (of course).
- LOL, he had a CB attena that got higher all the time, and he "created" it himself.
- He also "created" the clothes drying rack in the backyard for my grandmother out of our old swingset.
- I spent too many weekends to count with them as a child. They looked forward to those.
- He used to take out his teeth to horrify us as children. (us=me and my cousins).
- He used to take me shopping with him at Spags.
Monday, November 26, 2007
- Plastic horse that my grandfather gave me when I was four or so.
- My grandmother's good pearls that were left to me
- My Mother-In-Laws pin that was left to me, which she designed with help from a locket and hat pins.
- My husband's grandmother's diamond that was put in a new setting for me on our 20th anniversary (being together) and 15 years married.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Okay, everyone is probably bored with this, but this is the day of Thanksgiving. So here are thirteen things I am thankful for:
- For my sense of humor and my husband's sense of humor. How else does anyone get along in life?
- Being alive and finding out that 40 is not old age. It's not okay, it's not even middle aged. So bite me.
- For another romantic Thanksgiving for Two at the Maine household.
- For the invention of hipsters. My most comfortable underwear (or boy shorts).
- For being born in the USA, as opposed to Middle Eastern countries where I wouldn't have made it past age 6, unfortunately.
- Having a husband that puts up with me. I don't know who else could.....seriously.
- The invention of chocolate.
- Not only the country that I was born into, but also the era. Victorian times or earlier wouldn't have been a time in which I would have flourished. (although I have always pictured myself running around in bloomers. Bottom line, I don't think I would have enjoyed the "actual" getups).
- For all the dogs in my life.
- For finding love early on in life, and not having to look for it now. God, can you imagine the singles scene now? I mean it was bad then, we were just to young to know it. It seemed cool then, now it just seems......awkward.
- The ability to change, grow, and be healthier every day.
- Free services like blogger, youtube, videoegg, et.
- Having access to the technology that I do. (which is also part of number 8, I guess)
****Frig, forgot the most important. My blogging buddies who relate to the topic of family estrangement and all it means. Thanks for your input and support these past two years. It hasn't been easy, but it has been a positive force in my adult life.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Dysfunctional Bingo for Holiday Gatherings
Frig, I can't find anymore. I did find one on a blog the year before last year with a list and everything. I tried to find it, but haven't yet. I will endevour to later.
So now I guess I am going to have to be creative:
- Betting on how many times (Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Father, Mother, Sister, In Law.... et) a relative does a "well known" dysfunction act. For instance some things in my family that I could include 1) A will question about "what family members do for a living" x number of times or to x number of people at gathering, 2) B wil have this many glasses of wine, 3) C will mention her daughter or sons weight x number of times, 3) D will complain x number of times that relatives don't visit or call often enough, 4) E will offer food to those that are done and insisit well after it's become annoying x number of times 5) will make the stretchy annoyed face, while pretending to not be annoyed x number of times. I haven't thought this out all the way, but the person with the most number of items closest to the answer (without going over) wins. There needs to be a mediator to keep score independently and the players report back. Betting could be for treats or money. Illiciting those responses is allowed (in fact encouraged).
- Alternate to the above, drinking every time one of these events occurs. It is absolutely crucial to be in a buzzed or inebriated state during dysfunctional family gatherings (unless of course this is a problem for the family member. Then a sugar or caffeine high will do.)
- Another alternative, a task is assigned to each for each occurance that someone has picked out of a hat. Should be mildly embarrassing and very funny.
- Have a hat of dysfunctional things that others do, to be picked by participants. Each player will need to do that to the family member that naturally does it, in a format where the other players can see. Penalty for not performing the task is leading family in the singing of Christmas caroles or a solo performance.
Shoot, that's all I got off my cuff. Any comments for additional dysfunctional family fun?
Course I no longer celebrate with the dysfunctional family, as my S Donor and Monster have the holidays at their place. They also actively seek out to try to influence my relatives from not visiting. Not that this works will all or that I am terribly concerned with the ones it does work with
However, were I going to a gathering, I would definately want something "fun" to do these days that is somewhat creative. Please share any stories.
****Note found my blogging buddy's post on this from last year.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Of course this came on the verge of a plague that was dropped off, when one of my clients picked up their dog. I did manage to get out with the dogs to appreciate a bit of it. Still it is raw, and damp. The snow is turning again to mush from the earth that isn't sufficiently frozen enough yet to retain it in it's frozen state.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Post on Healing From Family Rifts Board-Response about Not Believing You would have come out right if you had love
It took until I was 40 to finally break free!!! That is mind bogglingto me, because I am a pretty bright person.So thinking about that, I do realize that in a lot of ways, although I am also confident with high self esteem in other ways, a lot of those not so subtle messages from my parents did leak through. In fact the thing my mother hated about my husband was "he was too nuturing and loving". Like having that in a relationship was a bad thing. I am also nuturing and loving towards my husband. We are also like a partnership, and we also have seperate interests. We have been married for 20 years now. Happily, without any affairs or seperations or serious disagreements or physical fights......you know a healthy marriage. We are very lucky, and my husband is a wonderful person.
Ironically, my mother was still contacting him after we stopped speaking until I asked my husband to stop taking her calls. He always thought my family was off, but he was also the only one to make an effort to know and spend time with them for me. Then ironically my mother can't find enough faults with him (he got the flu once while we were visiting her, he's too loving, he likes sports), and my father said at breakfast one day that he shouldn't be on my life insurance because he might kill me. (I found out much later that during the divorce, he tried to take out life insurance on my mother and I!!! Wonder what kind of transferance that was YIPES). So that message is basically, you having love is bad. Or you can'tbe loved. You shouldn't want love, safety, comfort et. I can't imagine any truly loving parent giving that message to their child,or wishing them a life devoid of that.
Any way, that statement opened up all those thoughts for me:) I finally also feel like I can stand back and look at them almost like it happened to someone else, but not quite. I wonder if that girl will ever cease to be who I am now? If you know what I mean.
Oh, another thing that struck me from your post and reading the book, it's too bad as kids there was no one to discuss this with or know what was normal. You know when parents used to drag some of us to therapists during divorce and such, it was to "fix" their kids, not find out what was wrong. If I had some kind of resources and a caring professional that was aware of this and what happens, it would have made such a difference. Sadly, finding a good professional out there (especially when the parent is footing the bill, and really doesn't care about you at all) is so difficult.
Even in adulthood, during a particularly difficult time when I was involved as the sexual harrassment officer in a sexual harrassment case at work, it was my primary physician not the therapist that diagnosed me with bipolar (or cyclomania) and came up with the perscription that would help.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
It wasn't that bad, except that neither talked, both avoided each other, my mom let me know at every opportuntity that weddings were not happy occaissions for HER, my dad and step were all stiff and didn't show any affection whatsoever. Oh yes, and my mom dragged my dad's side of the family out to see her new classic car, because she knew that would bug my father. But I was enjoying my wedding even so, just ignoring them.
I do understand the problem. What do you say if grandma and grampadon't come to your daughter? What about the telphone calls betweenthe grandparents and the daughter after that day? Are they going to triangulate that to get to you through your daughter?Abusive and controlling parents are not so good at monitoring their actions, or thinking about how their actions affect others.
Regarding T-Day, I think it's fine if your parent(s) don't want tocome. I would start making them accountable for their decisions and actions in accepting their non-acceptance of the invite, and going on merrily with your fun plans for the holiday. It took me a looonnnnnnggg time to figure this out. For instance,for some reason, I used to allow my father to call me on the stepmonster's behalf. Then I figured out, if she wants to talk to me,she can talk to me directly and I started picking up the phone to hear it from her, instead of an attempted mandate by my father. You know, the whole triangulation thing just stopped in it's tracks.
My father tried to reinstate it after she crashed a funeral!! I had called and written her that this was unacceptable, and in the future if she was not invited to something that she was not to attend,especially since it was just so she could storm past me in front of a family that (she didn't realize this) knew the situation and what she was. When I told my father that he had no control over whether I contacted her, but she did. That if she didn't do things that she knew were wrong and hurtful that she wouldn't have to hear directly from me, it all stopped. My father didn't know what to say to that LOL. It was a great moment for me when I realized that the control that they thought they had just vaporized into mist.
I remember another time when my father was calling me right before I terminated the relationship to give me the monster's reasons for believing she had the right to be the real estate agent on the sale of my house. I called her directly and told her she could speak to me, and I didn't appreciate the interference. My dad called back,and I told him I had already discussed it with the monster. You should have heard the rage in his voice, and then I asked "what'swrong with me talking with her directly instead of through you. You claim because your a teacher you are practically a mental health professional, do you feel triangulated conversations are healthy?"Again, he was at a loss for words and said "fine" before he slammed down the phone.
Only you can answer what the cost/benefit is to your relationship.In the end, I finally realized what the relationship was costing me,but it took until I was 40. I thought by complying a few times a year, showing up to the expected events, et and having contact though really not a relationship was sufficient for me. Then I realized their inability not to take no for answer, their uncaring of our relatives who were dying and sick and our needing to concentrate on that rather than their (my father and the step monster) narcistic needs, that I didn't "owe" them the debt of the commission on my house or anything else in a material or financial way. I realized that I am worth something, and people who found me shy and hard to know found that something while my parents never could. They could only find what served them best. I was a list of things that could be done for them. It's so sad, isn't it, that I still need to try and justify to myself why I don't want them in my life. If this was someone else, it would seem so obvious to me. But these are the struggles that we go to, as we come to terms with what this relationship really is, what it's worth is, what it's cost is.Ugh, good luck. Anyway, make your wedding day a happy day regardless. It goes by way to fast:)
Saturday, November 17, 2007
I let him know previous to that a continued relationship with me meant 1) we work on our relationship before we talk or discuss the monster 2) I am never likely to have a relationship with the monster, so deal 3) my father and I will not have an "open" communication to be whatever he wants, unless that communication is earned. He had wanted the topics to suddenly open up to everything, and he has never had that place in my life. Few people do, and those people have earned my trust, love, and respect simply by being nice people that I wish to talk things out with. Just because he got my mother pregnant, does not mean he suddenly has the right to pry in my life, as he used to try to. Or in other words 4) your control of me is over not beginning.
He couldn't agree to any of it. That was one liberating moment, when I realized that someone not able to meet me on these simple facts, isn't worth considering as being part of my life. He had 18 years where I "complied" with his wishes, and he abused that.
The final liberating moment when I was able to say, "no, you don't understand, I stopped being the victim when I stopped catering to you." I am free now, you are not. (if you still feel the need to try and contact me) That was the last time he visited my blog, which is not geared for him anyway, but to discuss this with other people (and there are a frightening amount of people experiencing the worst of this) about this. This board and other people have been very eye opening in that what I experienced/am experiencing is not unusual, just not talked about very openly or at all.
That "programing" not to disagree, not to discuss, to be ashamed of not getting along with your parents (or kids, or siblings, or uncles, aunts et all) no matter their behavior, is so ingrained in us, especially if we came from a family of dysfunction. Anyone who sought to help us, was encouraged to be erased from our life.
Until a conversation with my husband, I didn't even think I had talked to him about all this early on. I don't know how early on, but he had said that he was aware of those things for awhile. In fact, now that I think of it, he was around when I moved in with my father and monster, so it would have been kind of hard for him to be unaware
Anywho, just some more thoughts that came to me as a result of this thread. I think these liberating moments are times that freed us up from that place we WERE frozen in or announce a step in walking away from that frozen state. A lot of my procrastination, for instance, is (IMHO) a learned response from the stress in my family. I used to go into my closet with a flashlight (and my stuffed animals) to get away from my family. I find I still use this response of freezing up somewhere with something comforting to deal, and keep trying to change this behavior in myself, but backslide frequently.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Dr Phil asked the controlling mother if she would accept that her son is going to get married to this woman whether she likes it or not. The mother (and this is where my arrow pointed back to the son) says something like "and I am supposed to accept that he's a totally different person when he's with her?" The the mother goes "is that normal?" Um, yeah that means your son is finding himself and growing up. Now is he doing the right thing? God knows, guess you are going to find out, and he is going to find out. It struck a chord because I have grown up with controlling parents (duh).
So the cost to me for estranging? Well not having a relationship with my parents good, bad or indifferent is a cost. Having to decide how to answer people who inquire whether I have parents, where they are what they do, or if they knew my parents how they are doing. That's not always that easy. The revaluation process that I always put myself through that ultimately ends in disappointment.
All in all, it's been a price worth paying for ME. I can't imagine having estranging from my mother in law, but then again she wasn't objectionable. Don't know whether the mother has really done anything that bad or not. I really felt for the couple when they said they didn't miss the drama. Oh boy, do I know that feeling with my OWN mother, and that could have been a younger me drawing the line in the sand with my parents (you know in different circumstances). I was too young to even consider the possibility (or brainwashed) of telling my parents to bugger off on that day. A few less invitees would have made the day even more perfect.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
- Colorado (skiing baby, not that I am awesome or anything, but I bet they have amazingly long trails)
- New York City (Carnegie Deli)
- Disney World, hasn't been a regular visit in a few years now, and until we get our mortgage paid down probably won't be any time soon.
- Amsterdam (mostly cause my husband wants to go)
- Toronto Canada
- California around San Fransisco but not in the city itself
- Mount Washington in NH, especially at the Mount Washington Hotel where the outside pool is (heated) and open all year long!! Glass made by Tiffany in ornamental glass, electric istalled by Thomas Edison (as well as sprinkler system). Excellent food in restaurants of surrounding Inns and the hotel itself.
- A really posh spa and fitness resort where I am massaged into oblivian.
- Philidelphia, PA
- Hawaii (again cause the hubby wants to go, it doesn't do that much for me)
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Things I can Forgive or Are Not An Issue/What I can't forgive:
- Getting Divorced/Not Realizing or Caring that Actions during the Marriage were Damaging Me
- Making the Mistake in Marrying/Not Being There for Me in Formative Years Because Of The Constant Fighting and Conflict NOR ever acknowledging that
- Marriage Number 2/Allowing the Monster to Be Verbally and Physically Abusive Towards Me (Probably Because You Wanted to Act Out in The Same Way Towards Me, As You Had in The Past, Now You Just Had An Agent)
- The Monster's Actions After I Moved Out/Condoning, making excuses for, the Monster's actions instead of remaining neutral
- Disagreeing with Me/Not Allowing Me to Have My Own Opinions or Views (or making it miserable for me when I had them)
- Asking for Help/Expecting Help as Payment for Having me and Not Taking No as an answer on the few times it was given.
- Managing your money/Treating Me Like A Line Item in Your Divorce Contract
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
What I Forgive or Is A Non-Issue/What I Can Not Forgive
- Marrying My S Donor (he picked her, and he has that choice)/Not Making Any Attempt to Really Accept me From the Beginning and Only Seeing Me As a Product of The First Marriage
- Not Being Perfect/Physically and Verbally Assulting Me, and Not Apologizing When Being Obviously In The Wrong Not Only about the Assault but About The Issue Leading to Her Unprovoked Assault and Even if The Dishes Had Been My responsibility That Night, There Was No Justifiable Reason For Her To Awake Me With A Slap (Period)
- Not Being Happy In Her Marriage/Blaming Me for the Failure That SHE Reports Her Marriage to Be
- Being Resentful of My Grandmother/Making No attempt to Be Respectful of My Grandmother as I Was of Her Father
- Not Liking Me As A Person (Not Trying is A Different Issue, But Not Everyone Likes Everyone Else)/Wanting Me To Do Favors For Me While Not Liking ME And As My Payment for Being Born in The First Place (which included the expectation that she would sell my house, and that was a given in her mind)
Monday, November 12, 2007
That may be part of it, but in reading my E Donor's lists of things she "thinks" she knows about me, she has some of them right. But is that me? I don't think I am "someone who likes classical music" or "someone who likes alternative rock" although both those statements are true. So I am going to try to dig deep, which is hard for me:
- What is it that interests your daughter about music? Answer: The dive, beat and energy of the music. How it matches my mood and whether I can loose myself in it.
- What are the things that your daughter loves about her husband? Answer: His kindness, his unconditional love, his pride in me, his partnership with me, his ability to change as we both change and grow together,
- How does your daughter feel about religion, and does she have a religious affiliation? Answer: Against organized religion for myself, and generally do not think it's a good thing (especially in regard to Roman Catholism). I am Agnostic NOT Athiest.
- What do you think your daughter's favorite memory of you is? Answer for E Donor: The valentine's cake you made with the candy hearts. Answer for the S Donor: My 16th birthday dinner with my best friend Carol and you, and the gift of the tickets to Duran Duran, which I didn't even know that you knew that I liked.
- What is your daughter's biggest disappointment with you? Answer for The E Donor: The disregard and lack of interest in me or my feelings. The expectation of payment for my having been born as a "mistake". Answer for The S Donor: The disregard and lack of interest in me or my feelings. The expectation of payment for my having been born as a "mistake".
- What do you think your daughter thinks your biggest disappointment with her is? Answer for the E Donor: The actual estrangement and my inability to deal with her when she became impossible for me to live with. Answer for the S Donor: Not living up to the reflection that he wanted to see of himself.
- Do you think your daughter is happy now with her current career? Answer: Being self employed is stressful and hard, but I have never been happier in my life re: where I live, my family situation, and my work situation.
- Why was your daughter not happy with her previous career? Answer: Lack of control, and the politics of Corporate America.
- What was the most stressful time in your daughter's adult life? Answer: Going through the sexual harrassment case, when she was the sexual harrassment officer, and going through a bipolar episode at the same time before it was diagnosed.
- What was most hurtful to your daughter in her life as a child? Answer: Lack of interest during the marriage, treatment after the divorce that your love was contigent on the mandates of the divorce contract. This is when it was becoming obvious what a non-entity I was to either of you, despite when you obviously wanted something.
- What would you list as some of the most important days in your daughter's life? Answer: the day she met her husband, the day she married her husband, going through college successfully to graduation, moving out of the parental house, the day I decided to start my own dog training business,
- What are some things that your daughter is most proud of (herself)? graduating with honors from college (cum above 3.5), the A that I got in Japanese Language class despite the fact it was pass/fail and I sucked at languages, my kindness towards the ones I love being people and animals, finally sticking up for myself and seperating from those that only wanted to take from me,
- What are some things that your daughter is dissapointed in herself for? not giving it an honest go at U Lowell while studying music, the short time I smoked and took drugs, being a bit too "exploritory" in college, taking so long to discover what my true relationship was with my parents,
Sunday, November 11, 2007
One would think I would have avoided marriage like the plague. I was cautious about pulling the legal trigger, but was never doubtful about the relationship. 20 years later, I think I can say it's been a success
Any who, here is an idea that I got from reading the book. People like to write "forgiveness" letters which is a place I haven't gotten to yet. I mean, it would end up being a sarcastic mean spirited non-forgiveness letter. I've already gone there plenty of times.
So since this is the topic, I thought what do I really NOT forgive. What do I really forgive or was never unforgiven? So let's start with my E Donor:
What Do I Forgive or has been a non-issue/What is not forgiven?
- Affair with X/The fact that it was allowed for my S Donor to update me about the situation after being left with S Donor
- Getting married to X/Not notifying me that she got married to X, and again letting my abusive father do it
- Not Interested in Everything I Do/Not Interested in Anything About Me Unless it Coincides with E Donor Interests and then it's still about her
- Having A Blog About The Estrangement/Posting Blatant Lies on The Blog and Public Boards (ie wanting to have a large wedding, and not caring about my grandfather and step-brother's deaths)
- Letting Me Know I Was A "Mistake" from an Early Age/Expecting Payment in Later Years with Presents
- Wanting a Relationship With Me/Making Me Miserable for Not conforming to Her One Sided Fantasy Relationship With Me
- Wanting to Know What I Was Doing/Belittling and Putting Down What I Was Doing as She Spied (always assuming the negative despite my actual successful life)
- The Intial Issue and Argument Where My Mother Was Requesting the Perfect Gifts While My Husband Was Hospitalized/Harrassment and Draining Drama that Ensued That Diminished my Ability to Enjoy Life
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
Thursday, November 08, 2007
- Any country in South America
- Any country in the "Middle East"
- Isreal is included in the above, but should be mentioned again (luckily my husband went in a safer time, and was able to enjoy the beauty there)
- Egypt (also pretty much included in number 3, but I would kill to see the places (pyramids, the history et), but another country that is too dangerous.
- Jamaica, been and the resorts are nice, but I wouldn't bother to go to the country again.
- The eastern coast of Virginia ----- Yikes. Again, sometime I will have to find my post on the RV trip from hell.
- New Jersey (drove thru it once from NY city)
- Sweden or Finland (the other side of my family that doesn't interest me too much, unlike Italy)
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
They are who they are, and people that are not to be in a relationship with me, frankly. Something that I have had complete control over, by the way.
Probably the more healthy thing for me to do right now, is work on, or consider whether I need to work on things that I consider damaged during my upbringing. Social issues, communication, my not wanting to have telphone conversations with my poor lonely father in law (it's not him per say, I have a dislike of telephone conversations in general----with anyone-----including the husband). I think it's that I feel the pressure of coming up with a topic too much. Probably stemming from the endless conversations that my E Donor tried to have with me, that were all about her, and I would be trying to figure out the best way to get the F off the phone. Also probably due to a job that I loved, but was 90% telephone work in customer service. I haven't been able to stand the ringing of a phone since, even though I did love my job. I don't like talking dog training either on my time off. I have always been good about seperating work from off time.
I am not sure going round and round about how much I dislike these people is healthy anymore. I got a lot of that anger out, although a doll with the face of the monster would be good as an exercise tool for punching. Pretty much, although I have contempt for them, the red hot anger at their callousness is over. Well, at the moment anyway, you know how that goes. A siting, or news could trigger a response all over again.
I do still enjoy the"difficulty" that the real estate tycoon (ie the monster) is having selling HER OWN GODDAMN HOUSE. Though apparently she is going to sell more than her usual four homes this year. She actually had a couple of consecutive months of house sales. So she might get like six this year, after like 15 years of being a "cracker jack" real estate agent. How humiliating, and appropriate:) I do so enjoy that. Plus, as far as computer stuff, she had the wrong area code on her website for years for her direct line (598 instead of 508 LOL) and now her link to her website on realtor.com, she still has as .com instead of her .net. Excellent. Imagine how many other important details she misses in everyday life!!
The best Christmas present this year will be simply if her home is STILL NOT SOLD. I get all warm and tingly just thinking about it.
However, even she is an insignificant piece of my life. I mean, I never did expect much from her, most of my anger comes from giving her a chance for 18 years, where I could have been saying what I wanted to say to her, and not dealing with her bullshit. It was an unfortunate choice on my part, as life is too short for this shit, you know? Especially when the other relationship attached is not worthwhile. The only worthwhile thing that came out of it, was that my grandmother was not upset, and would never know (unless, you know, she can see from beyond) how it would eventually turn out.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
The fights were not violent in my childhood, as they were in my E Donor's. There was also no alchol abuse in my childhood, as they were in my E Donor's. My grandfather did actually open up his home to them, so they had a place to stay when I was a baby. I hear their parents were worse!!! Something about a cane being broken over one of their kids backs......but I digress.
My E Donor is wondering about whether she knew her mother (my grandmother) or not due to the mental illness. That in fact, she wasn't seeing "her". Where does the mental illness end and the person begin? That is something she is wondering about, and I have answered for myself a long time ago.
She may be mentally ill, but she has been lucid enough in the past, where her actions have been HER ACTIONS. Period. She had the mental capacity to make choices, to know right from wrong,..... For instance, the breaking news of her "suicide" thoughts (which were only manipulation) stopped once I let her know the gig was up....for me. I know I have seen who she is, although I never really had a relationship with her. Or my grandfather. Neither cared to have a relationship, a real one in any event.
It occured to me recently that the "Hershey Bars" that were given to me, which I had mistakenly thought were a token of his love, were in fact just the bulk ones that he bought. (found out from my E Donor's post) They weren't anything ever special purchased for me, as I had mistakenly believed all these years, and the only thing that I had really received from him of an affectionate nature.
Their illness does not make them selfish a$$holes. They did that all themselves by disregarding the feelings of others.
Monday, November 05, 2007
I relate a lot with what people are saying, but I don't know that it comes from our circumstances alone. I know people that are happy with their family et, but would not fit into the stereotyped "norms"of social niceties (especially if you really knew them, and didn't superficially know them). And then again, we all kind of have the "skeleton" in the closet that can be pulled out as the reason.
I suppose my family life had something to do with my non-trusting nature, but I think equally were the mean spirited kids in school (pre-college) and the politics of corporate America. I can't tell you how much both those things shaped how I look at the world, but I think they did a lot more than my dysfunctional family did.
I sort of always knew we weren't "right" or "the same" as other families. Even when I was a kid, I wondered if I would be talking to my parents later in life. It just didn't seem plausible that we would EVER really get along. If it weren't for certain physical characteristics that are dead on, I would really question whether Iwas switched at birth or something LOL. There are also some personality similiarities.
I don't deny that the relationship had something to do with it, but a lot of environmental factors outside that relationship did too.AFter all, I pretty much always rebelled against being the way my parents were (and for a while my grandparents too). So they never influenced me growing up or becoming who I wanted to be good or bad.I guess what I am trying to say, is if you switched out my family, the result would have been similar I think. Not sure, but I think so, except I might have had the love and support of my parents. Maybe that lack of drive would have made me a bad person