Interesting discussion this week (or last week when I actually wrote this) on the assessment of the cost of family estrangement. This was between a potential daughter in law, and her potential controlling mother in law. Phil asked at the end whether the cost is worth it.
Dr Phil asked the controlling mother if she would accept that her son is going to get married to this woman whether she likes it or not. The mother (and this is where my arrow pointed back to the son) says something like "and I am supposed to accept that he's a totally different person when he's with her?" The the mother goes "is that normal?" Um, yeah that means your son is finding himself and growing up. Now is he doing the right thing? God knows, guess you are going to find out, and he is going to find out. It struck a chord because I have grown up with controlling parents (duh).
So the cost to me for estranging? Well not having a relationship with my parents good, bad or indifferent is a cost. Having to decide how to answer people who inquire whether I have parents, where they are what they do, or if they knew my parents how they are doing. That's not always that easy. The revaluation process that I always put myself through that ultimately ends in disappointment.
All in all, it's been a price worth paying for ME. I can't imagine having estranging from my mother in law, but then again she wasn't objectionable. Don't know whether the mother has really done anything that bad or not. I really felt for the couple when they said they didn't miss the drama. Oh boy, do I know that feeling with my OWN mother, and that could have been a younger me drawing the line in the sand with my parents (you know in different circumstances). I was too young to even consider the possibility (or brainwashed) of telling my parents to bugger off on that day. A few less invitees would have made the day even more perfect.
Dr Phil asked the controlling mother if she would accept that her son is going to get married to this woman whether she likes it or not. The mother (and this is where my arrow pointed back to the son) says something like "and I am supposed to accept that he's a totally different person when he's with her?" The the mother goes "is that normal?" Um, yeah that means your son is finding himself and growing up. Now is he doing the right thing? God knows, guess you are going to find out, and he is going to find out. It struck a chord because I have grown up with controlling parents (duh).
So the cost to me for estranging? Well not having a relationship with my parents good, bad or indifferent is a cost. Having to decide how to answer people who inquire whether I have parents, where they are what they do, or if they knew my parents how they are doing. That's not always that easy. The revaluation process that I always put myself through that ultimately ends in disappointment.
All in all, it's been a price worth paying for ME. I can't imagine having estranging from my mother in law, but then again she wasn't objectionable. Don't know whether the mother has really done anything that bad or not. I really felt for the couple when they said they didn't miss the drama. Oh boy, do I know that feeling with my OWN mother, and that could have been a younger me drawing the line in the sand with my parents (you know in different circumstances). I was too young to even consider the possibility (or brainwashed) of telling my parents to bugger off on that day. A few less invitees would have made the day even more perfect.
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