Sunday, November 11, 2007

E Donor List What do I forgive/What I can't forgive

I have been reading If You Had Controlling Parents. If nothing else, it has made me see that many children/adults have lived with what I have lived with. Also that their responses and feelings are similar to mine. I don't know that I identify everything that I experience in adulthood as coming from a controlling parental family. For instance, one thing that rang true to me until I thought about it was "strong reluctance to have children". But then you are equating that with being an abnormal decision, aren't you? I really think that although the thought has crossed my mind that I would not want to misuse my children (had I decided to have any) that has not stopped me from being married or having pets (both things the donors did horribly). So if I had really wanted kids, and liked the idea of it, I would have had kids. I think......

One would think I would have avoided marriage like the plague. I was cautious about pulling the legal trigger, but was never doubtful about the relationship. 20 years later, I think I can say it's been a success , unless I find out hubby has been burying bodies in the basement. He can't afford a mistress so.....

Any who, here is an idea that I got from reading the book. People like to write "forgiveness" letters which is a place I haven't gotten to yet. I mean, it would end up being a sarcastic mean spirited non-forgiveness letter. I've already gone there plenty of times.

So since this is the topic, I thought what do I really NOT forgive. What do I really forgive or was never unforgiven? So let's start with my E Donor:

What Do I Forgive or has been a non-issue/What is not forgiven?

  • Affair with X/The fact that it was allowed for my S Donor to update me about the situation after being left with S Donor

  • Getting married to X/Not notifying me that she got married to X, and again letting my abusive father do it

  • Not Interested in Everything I Do/Not Interested in Anything About Me Unless it Coincides with E Donor Interests and then it's still about her

  • Having A Blog About The Estrangement/Posting Blatant Lies on The Blog and Public Boards (ie wanting to have a large wedding, and not caring about my grandfather and step-brother's deaths)

  • Letting Me Know I Was A "Mistake" from an Early Age/Expecting Payment in Later Years with Presents

  • Wanting a Relationship With Me/Making Me Miserable for Not conforming to Her One Sided Fantasy Relationship With Me

  • Wanting to Know What I Was Doing/Belittling and Putting Down What I Was Doing as She Spied (always assuming the negative despite my actual successful life)

  • The Intial Issue and Argument Where My Mother Was Requesting the Perfect Gifts While My Husband Was Hospitalized/Harrassment and Draining Drama that Ensued That Diminished my Ability to Enjoy Life

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