Talk about your estrangements, huh? I had last seen my friend before I moved out of the apartment we shared together 20+ years ago. It had not ended on a good note, though not for any specific reason. We were both young, and involved with our own thing.
This friend had been my absolute best friend during the first year of college. I loved their sense of humor, sense of fun, and they were easy enough to get along with. The sense of humor was a biting sort of sarcasm, but I always thought said with a twinkle in the eye at the time. This friend had introduced me to the favorite term during college "fuck me with a rusty chain saw" which still makes me chuckle to this day. They were just kind of out there and a bit different, which appealed to me and still does appeal to me. Most likely because I felt like I never fit in. However, I think of my friend as more the cool kid, although they may not think or have thought of themselves that way. May have felt more like I did then, than I ever imagined.
My friend was very into reading things that I would never be into. I found that interesting however. I always perceived them to be something of a good student, but not focused on any one discipline. I could picture them being anything that they wanted to.
I should point out, there was a bit of an identity or coming out crisis with this friend. Something that, after seeing them, I think is still struggled with to this day. I only say this because they felt more closed off and angry to me, then I had (at least) perceived 22 years ago. Not necessarily that they were acting angry towards me or anything, it was a certain vibe I got, and something that I had either not picked up on before or had not recognized (if I am indeed correct) until now. Being asked what they were doing or anything, suddenly made them seem quiet and reserved. Is it because they still not feel confident having come out? I mean the discipline photography itself, is nothing too radical. Personally, I don't find the subject matter all that radical in this day and age. As far as lifestyle, I was always brought up to believe what two adults (or more by the way) did in their private lives (assuming everyone is of age, consensual, of the human species, and not bizarrely related) is really their own business. I know at one point it was perceived to be a problem by my friend, as I was weirded out when another friend of my same sex hit on me.
This was during college obviously. The reason that it was weird was that she was truly a friend, and there was no hint of chemistry ever between us. It's a bit different that I thought it was weird she would do that, and my other friend having relations with people who were my friends too. I was happy for them when they finally came out to me. The reason they hadn't been honest from the beginning was because of my reaction to the other incident, which in my mind, was far removed.
So it may have been weird meeting my husband and niece and not knowing if they were accepted or not. I not thinking about it beforehand, didn't think to have the discussion with anyone, because it doesn't seem that unusual to me and felt that aspect would be ho hum by now.
It also could have been, this friend never liked me as much as I liked them LOL. I think that is true of a lot of friends that I have lost contact with. I don't know why that is, but I seem to have valued them much more than they valued me. And this is only my thought process here, as it wasn't a bad meeting, but there was definitely a bit of awkwardness and trying to recognize the person that I knew in college. Probably the same on the other end, as I was a wilder girl and a lot less reserved, I guess. Maybe not all that much. I much more enjoyed this friend's antics than I would have ever had I initiated them myself.
I also don't think my friend has a lot of hetero friends!! I am not sure, but in talking to him, he felt awkward about talking to other hetero friends about their relations or kids. I don't understand the difference between the two really, other than one couple is same sex and the other isn't. Normally relationships are relationships and really, there are the same things to talk about.
Just found it interesting how an interaction twenty years apart had these different nuances, where it is hard to let your guard down and just maybe enjoy each other. Which we did!!! you know what I mean, it will probably always be awkward on some level seeing old friends with that time passing.
This friend had been my absolute best friend during the first year of college. I loved their sense of humor, sense of fun, and they were easy enough to get along with. The sense of humor was a biting sort of sarcasm, but I always thought said with a twinkle in the eye at the time. This friend had introduced me to the favorite term during college "fuck me with a rusty chain saw" which still makes me chuckle to this day. They were just kind of out there and a bit different, which appealed to me and still does appeal to me. Most likely because I felt like I never fit in. However, I think of my friend as more the cool kid, although they may not think or have thought of themselves that way. May have felt more like I did then, than I ever imagined.
My friend was very into reading things that I would never be into. I found that interesting however. I always perceived them to be something of a good student, but not focused on any one discipline. I could picture them being anything that they wanted to.
I should point out, there was a bit of an identity or coming out crisis with this friend. Something that, after seeing them, I think is still struggled with to this day. I only say this because they felt more closed off and angry to me, then I had (at least) perceived 22 years ago. Not necessarily that they were acting angry towards me or anything, it was a certain vibe I got, and something that I had either not picked up on before or had not recognized (if I am indeed correct) until now. Being asked what they were doing or anything, suddenly made them seem quiet and reserved. Is it because they still not feel confident having come out? I mean the discipline photography itself, is nothing too radical. Personally, I don't find the subject matter all that radical in this day and age. As far as lifestyle, I was always brought up to believe what two adults (or more by the way) did in their private lives (assuming everyone is of age, consensual, of the human species, and not bizarrely related) is really their own business. I know at one point it was perceived to be a problem by my friend, as I was weirded out when another friend of my same sex hit on me.
This was during college obviously. The reason that it was weird was that she was truly a friend, and there was no hint of chemistry ever between us. It's a bit different that I thought it was weird she would do that, and my other friend having relations with people who were my friends too. I was happy for them when they finally came out to me. The reason they hadn't been honest from the beginning was because of my reaction to the other incident, which in my mind, was far removed.
So it may have been weird meeting my husband and niece and not knowing if they were accepted or not. I not thinking about it beforehand, didn't think to have the discussion with anyone, because it doesn't seem that unusual to me and felt that aspect would be ho hum by now.
It also could have been, this friend never liked me as much as I liked them LOL. I think that is true of a lot of friends that I have lost contact with. I don't know why that is, but I seem to have valued them much more than they valued me. And this is only my thought process here, as it wasn't a bad meeting, but there was definitely a bit of awkwardness and trying to recognize the person that I knew in college. Probably the same on the other end, as I was a wilder girl and a lot less reserved, I guess. Maybe not all that much. I much more enjoyed this friend's antics than I would have ever had I initiated them myself.
I also don't think my friend has a lot of hetero friends!! I am not sure, but in talking to him, he felt awkward about talking to other hetero friends about their relations or kids. I don't understand the difference between the two really, other than one couple is same sex and the other isn't. Normally relationships are relationships and really, there are the same things to talk about.
Just found it interesting how an interaction twenty years apart had these different nuances, where it is hard to let your guard down and just maybe enjoy each other. Which we did!!! you know what I mean, it will probably always be awkward on some level seeing old friends with that time passing.
No comments:
Post a Comment