These thoughts were inspired by this news story. It's basically about how men prefer no marriage to a bad marriage. I am sort of surprised that the same is not said of women, but this was written by a man looking into his own thoughts on marriage. Therefore, nor surprisingly, other men were interviewed for this story.
People of my generation are largely from divorced homes. I am. My husband is. At least 50% of our friends are. 50% of Robert's siblings are as well. None of my female cousins (three of them) have gotten married or had children. So I think there is a lot of truth to not wanting to have a bad marriage, first and foremost, over the desire to get married.
I, personally, think this is healthy. I have never really related to women just desperate to get married. The ones who the first boyfriend that asks, is definately going to be said yes to. When you are very familiar with the dynamics of a bad marriage, then you are probably not going to want to go in that direction. This is why I have always been one for living together. My grandparents and I am sure that my father, were aghast at this. Course the situation where I walked out of my father's house kept him from complaining too much about it.
Robert and I lived together for 5 years before we got married. At that point, it was a foregone conclusion that we planned to be together, and we just wanted a party quite frankly LOL. And 17 years later, we are still married and have been together for 22 years.
Whereas my parents "gunshot" wedding at 19 years old was basically a recipe for disaster. A cousin recently replayed such a scenario in their marriage. To get married just to get married without much thought of combatibility or "trying it out first", I think is a foolish endeavour. It's not a great plan for family life either. Robert and I were lucky to have grown together well. The reason I wouldn't have jumped into marriage early on, nor Robert, was to be sure that a young (in our years) relationship was just not something that would go south one day. I was 19 when I met Robert, so all I could think about was the distaster that was my parents marriage.
That's not to say things were daisies and rose petals during those young years. We had some fights then, over things we would not blink over now!! But it takes learning about life, communication, and how life changes to begin to deal with those things maturely. I mean how else could a marriage go through the changes we face now, mainly the death of Robert's two parents over a three year period of time. That is a huge change for him, and for me. He lost two best friends who he has known for most of his life. They have been his center, and now that center is gone. When you are young, you might think your relationship will weather this easily. That is only true if you truly have a strong relationship to begin with. One that is built not only on love (though that is wicked important), but trust, respect, giving, caring, selflessness, et. Oh, and a healthy sense of humor helps:)
People of my generation are largely from divorced homes. I am. My husband is. At least 50% of our friends are. 50% of Robert's siblings are as well. None of my female cousins (three of them) have gotten married or had children. So I think there is a lot of truth to not wanting to have a bad marriage, first and foremost, over the desire to get married.
I, personally, think this is healthy. I have never really related to women just desperate to get married. The ones who the first boyfriend that asks, is definately going to be said yes to. When you are very familiar with the dynamics of a bad marriage, then you are probably not going to want to go in that direction. This is why I have always been one for living together. My grandparents and I am sure that my father, were aghast at this. Course the situation where I walked out of my father's house kept him from complaining too much about it.
Robert and I lived together for 5 years before we got married. At that point, it was a foregone conclusion that we planned to be together, and we just wanted a party quite frankly LOL. And 17 years later, we are still married and have been together for 22 years.
Whereas my parents "gunshot" wedding at 19 years old was basically a recipe for disaster. A cousin recently replayed such a scenario in their marriage. To get married just to get married without much thought of combatibility or "trying it out first", I think is a foolish endeavour. It's not a great plan for family life either. Robert and I were lucky to have grown together well. The reason I wouldn't have jumped into marriage early on, nor Robert, was to be sure that a young (in our years) relationship was just not something that would go south one day. I was 19 when I met Robert, so all I could think about was the distaster that was my parents marriage.
That's not to say things were daisies and rose petals during those young years. We had some fights then, over things we would not blink over now!! But it takes learning about life, communication, and how life changes to begin to deal with those things maturely. I mean how else could a marriage go through the changes we face now, mainly the death of Robert's two parents over a three year period of time. That is a huge change for him, and for me. He lost two best friends who he has known for most of his life. They have been his center, and now that center is gone. When you are young, you might think your relationship will weather this easily. That is only true if you truly have a strong relationship to begin with. One that is built not only on love (though that is wicked important), but trust, respect, giving, caring, selflessness, et. Oh, and a healthy sense of humor helps:)
1 comment:
I read with much interest this story of why many men are opting not to marry. They are allowing possibility fear take control of them to such an extent that they are denying themselves the happiness they and a spouse could share.
The reality is, of course, that in 2008 many more couples will divorce than at any other time in history. That is, to be sure, a sad state of affairs; however, much can be done to circumvent the possibility of this happening in your marriage.
Love and marriage are decisions that thinking, intelligent individuals make in order to intertwine their lives. A decision then too must be made daily to stay in love, work together and enhance/enrich this very personal relationship.
Those who harbor fears of marriage can also circumvent these fears by seeking out resources that will provide self-education on readiness or lack thereof for marriage. Most people spend years preparing for a career but almost no one spends any time preparing themselves for marriage.
Could this then be one of the reasons that marriages are failing at such an alarming rate?
Not only that but those who actually get over the fear factor of getting married spend many hours, weeks and months planning for their wedding day but for some reason don't realize this preparation is only for one day.
The marriage, however, is for a lifetime for which most couples put in little or no time in the preparation beyond the wedding day.
You don't have to let this be your epithet. Resources are available to help you prepare for marriage and a lifetime of love and happiness. But, you have to plan, just like for your career. When you're ready, the right person will come along and you will know it because you've prepared for him or her.
Your preparation can begin now with some of the resources you'll find at Making Love Last a Lifetime .
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