Wednesday, December 27, 2006


Okay, I want to post fun stuff today, but this is not my fun blog . Actually this subject matter isn't too depressing, I just need to give thought to some family members who I do not want to take any more space in my brain than they already have. In fact zero, time, effort, and space for three people would be just fine with me. Alas, that doesn't really work:( It just gets improved, you past and the people in it tend to stay with you forever and ever in some way. Whether you want them to or not.

1. Grandma Italian Side. She gave me her stubbornness. This actually worked out very well for me in education, the business world, and changing my career now. If I wasn't the type to dig my heels in and go forward period, I wouldn't have been able to make the accomplishments that I did.

She also gave me her OCD. LOL just kidding, but I do have this obsessive need to have everything in it's place. The husband, he is opposite of me. For instances dishes and dish sets, I like to be able to find like with like. Robert likes to just put whatever dishes came out of the dishwasher in one cabinet (same with laundry, food, tools), you get the picture. Now I view this as a necessary skill, as I can find most of my stuff. Robert is forever loosing stuff, so you would think that a system of putting it in a certain place each and every time would make sense to him. Sigh.

I did not acquire the cooking gene from my grandmother. And while I am pretty good at cleaning these days, my grandmother was amazing, and I never did quite acquire her knack for it. Course she did have a mother they called "The General" who would inspect her adult daughters homes LOL. My Great Grandmother was nothing but doting to me. She passed when I was 9.

A real sense of what it was when someone loved you, even if they did make you crazy LOL. My grandmother was one of the few people in my family to love unconditionally.

2. Grandfather Italian side. It's different than mine, but he gave me a love for animals. We used to watch National Geographic and Omaha's Wild Kingdom together. Grandfather would also hunt and kill for food, so that's not like me. Not that I mind that, I just can't do it myself. I prefer to think my meat grows on a tree in cellophane packages which are harvested and brought to the supermarket. My Grandfather did have a definite love of animals non the less. He was always making ingenious things to feed the squirrels and birds in the back yard. He was an engineer, so they were often quite involved. I did not get the engineering from him, or the handy/carpenter skill from him. He was excellent at both.

3. My father, that same stubbornness. My "temper" when I was younger. Unfortunately I took some of his reactions to anger with me, but I have learned to manage them well with maturity. An understanding of what I did not want in a life partner, and a real life demo of what that was. My rebelling was definitely a reaction to my father's controlling ways, and I think drove me forward in life after moving out. Never wanting to move back in is quite a little motivator.
4. My step monster. Nothing, other than a real knowledge of how to definately not treat people. Pretty sure I had that before knowing her though. An unfortunate knowledge that there are people out there that feel it's their right to be mean and vindictive. That do not seek to hide that fact in private, while they put on a different face in public. She did make me see what a shell of a being my father is. That there is no feeling or integrity in him. To allow her to abuse me, was to in fact abuse me himself. To make excuses for it, was unforgivable, and I forgave him when I was younger. I forgive or excuse him no more. I guess my step mother speeded that whole process up for me.
Love, love of horror movies. The one thing we ever bonded over was watching Godzilla movies together, and an occaisional Friday the 13th (not my favorite horror series). Later on, I used this and tv in general to escape a lot from my family situation. Even now, in times of stress, I revert back to that. Trying to at least change that by exercising when the need arises for me to immerse myself in movies or my programs (going back and watching Nip/Tuck season that I never saw before now).

5. My mother. I like to write. I will not say I am especially good at writing, nor do I think my mother is. But I like to do it, and it's a great means for me to get "stuff" out. My ability not to want to let go, and fix things immediately when I am pissed. I am better at letting go now, but clearly need some work to still do on that.
Ironically, there was a piece of advice she gave me when I was very young that has stuck with me. To not let life sweep you away, but to make decisions and events happen on your own. I think she said something like "everyone needs to make a decision is some higher power controlling your life, or are you controlling your life". Yes, there are things beyond our control but our reactions and dealings with those things are ours alone. Ironically, it appears my mother does not think that way anymore. Life just swept her away, and her reactions are under the control of a higher power alone.

6. My Swedish Grandparents. Nothing directly from them, other than an understanding of what not to be. They were both alcoholics, abusive, and I don't know if it was a sickness or just a horribly developed personality, but neither were nice people. However, I did correspond with some relatives across the pond, that I don't know, but who do keep up our family tree. They let me know that my Great Grandfather founded a library and was a musician. I might have gotten my limited musical talent from there!!! My uncle R also has some musical talent that he has used all his life. The fondness for reading might also have been passed down through there.

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