Friday, September 27, 2013

Or, someone can realize the person in front of them is not someone they care to know

"Someone can be a good person and still believe untruths. This is what inspired me to write about Being Wrong. Because I believe that many good people believe bad things about other good people who don't deserve being so maligned. After all, it is said that you have to demonize someone before you can hate them. It's a lot harder to dislike and hate someone who really is a nice enough person. So, to estrange them successfully, it helps to demonize, demonize, demonize!!"

No, for me, it was a very painful look at the reality of the situation.  My NM is not a monster or a demon.   She is just someone I don't want in my life.   So many examples of why including her blog and postings about me on other sites that were "not meant for my eyes", as an explanation.

That's fine, but there is no reason to again point the finger of blame at me, and continue to not recognize my valid reasons for estrangement that have been laid out for her (and certainly not denied by her).   It's statements like these that have me shaking my head.


Tundra Woman said...

Actually, you had been "demonized" i.e., slimed and maligned repeatedly while you were growing up and as an adult while you were still in contact. If you had not been labeled (tarred and feathered) with all types of demeaning names, unsubstantiated, horrific alleged "violations" etc. with *no opportunity for redress,* you would not have terminated the relationship. You were not afforded the most basic right of self-protection, to present factually your responses to your lifetime of your experiences, given an opportunity for a Hearing in the "Court of Mother" to appeal her "conviction" of your alleged labels and crimes. Despite your multiple and heartfelt attempts there was no opportunity for redress, no opportunity to remediate the relationship. Effectively your "mother" foreclosed any other option but to remove yourself from the relationship: If you would not collude in her self-serving Agenda and continued debasement and dehumanizing of you, her previously dutiful mirror was of no value to her.
And IMO, that's a profound, painful reality for any Adult Child to recognize: Your utility was and always had been that of a Prop, a Tool, an object to be used. Refusing to acknowledge your very humanity, your "valid reasons for estrangement" and further, "pointing the finger of blame" at the VICTIM clearly underscores the reality you have indeed been dehumanized as well as "demonized."
Your humanity, your value and worth as a human being in your own right had been expropriated years before the final Estrangement. Her stalwart and unyielding refusal to acknowledge your life time of experiences with her explicitly exposes her lack of regard for you as a human being, her daughter or the value of her relationship with you.
When a "parent" is more deeply vested in being "Right" rather than reasonable, brokers no honest discussion of their role in their Adult Child's life time of experiences with that parent(s) with *specific events/experiences* addressed, estrangement will inevitably follow. There is no Common Ground with which to move forward. An estrangement does not take place because the parent(s) "may have made mistakes." Estrangements take place because there is a PATTERN of specific abuses, neglect, debasement etc. followed by a REFUSAL to acknowledge that (now Adult) Child as a human being rather than a tool, an extension of the parent(s) throughout that AC's life.

mulderfan said...

I'm with you on this. I don't hate my parents, nor am I angry with them. Also, I no longer harbour the fantasy that if I do or say the right thing they will suddenly love/respect me. I simply don't care to have them in my life.

BTW The grey letters were hard to read on the black background. Could be my geriatric eyesight!

Winterskiprincess said...

Eggy's blog gave me the most insight as to what was going on under the surface. I was confused as to her agenda before I found her writings. I understood something was very wrong with the relationship, but I did not know HOW wrong.

The need for control over people that mistake of becoming close with them that both Spermy and Eggy crave is baffling to me. It has made me aware to be not very obnoxious and insistent that everyone have my opinion and view. To try not to bully people, especially those close to me, to have the same opinion and view. Sometimes I find myself failing at that, but I am always reminding myself of how small that can make someone else feel.

Everyone wants to be heard in a caring way, whether the recipient necessarily agrees or not. To do otherwise is to diminish that person and not respect them.

Winterskiprincess said...

Mulderfan, thanks for telling me that. I posted that in a rush the other day, and my dog probably tippedy tapped on my keyboard during the rush LOL.

Tundra Woman said...

"To do otherwise is to diminish that person and not respect them"
And that hurts-a lot.

Lady Nyo said...

Oh....this is so good...and especially what Tundrawoman writes, I feel in my bones.

I am 66 and it has been decades of uncomfortable feelings with my NM. Probably, if I'm truthful..5 decades. I never had a name for what she was, until I discovered the word 'narcissist', but damn, it doesn't make anything right: it just now gives me answers. And she's also a sadist...and emotional sadist. At 94 it's not that they come to any understanding, it's that they do get worse, or more entrenched in this narcissistic behavior. Perhaps it's the frisson that keeps their damn hearts beating. But I know enough now to know that she is toxic to me, (and many other living things...especially dogs and cats) and to stay away. If I have any chance of recovering, it's necessary. Vital. And....all bullies are of a sociopathic nature....mob mentality, and when you see a pack of women in middle age acting this way, isolating what they consider a weak know you have some pathologies around. Narcissim is on a continuum, but it can fast become something that superseeds 'normal' narcissim and becomes much more dangerous. Our part in life is to protect ourselves and our children from narcissists and bullies. To do otherwise, like our to fall to their nature.

Lady Nyp

Winterskiprincess said...

Lady Nyp,

So sorry you have gone through this as well. It sounds like you are finding your footing however.

I logged onto my blog today, as I was thinking about something my NM said to me once that took away joy at something creative I had done. It was for me and no one else. Just a mean spirited comment from her, and even though I knew it was that....I had realized just today that I had stopped doing that creative thing for many years. And when I thought as to why that was, I remembered the comment.

mulderfan said...

Lady Nyp

It's never too late for us to wake up and smell the coffee. I'm 68 with a tag team of 94 and 91 year old parents, that did get worse with age, waaay worse!
Since I went NC my life has done a full 180. Most people of my age would be orphans by now anyway so I'm not missing out on anything but ongoing abuse.