Sunday, July 17, 2011

How Some of The Rest of My Family "Works"

My father's siblings seem to have a "similar" condition in their relationships as my father has.   One actually does seem to have a close relationship with two of their children (of the three).  The other does not seem to notice that their relationship is a bit strained with all three of their children.   With other people (like offspring) their relationships are very superficial.   Basically seeing these people a few times a year, but able to bring up the "family" card while not knowing these people at all.

When my step monster woke me up from a sound sleep with a slap (because Spermy said to go to sleep, he would do the dishes, but when she came home the dishes were not done), Eggy called one of the siblings thinking that they would give support.   What happened was I was called up, and told this was not that bad.   Oh,okay, let me drop by your house one night, walk into your bedroom while you are sleeping, and slap you across the face.   Or perhaps welcome you back into your childhood home by standing at the top of the stairs screaming "you are not letting that bitch into my home".   Then you can live everyday like that, without any money or escape, and see how comfortable your life is as you figure out how to get back out of it.

Spermy's siblings were supposed to be my "God Parents" by the way.   Yeah, I felt really safe and loved.   So here is a message that I send one of Spermy's siblings spouse (ie my aunt or uncle by marriage), who reached out not to me (and hasn't ever bothered to talk to me about this or reach out and find out if I am okay ever and this has been going on for six years) but on Spermy's "behalf" (not that he has shown any interest).

I never got any response from this message sent November 2010 (surprising as they were all interested in reaching out via third party) from this "relative".   Relationships in this family as about as deep as the width of an atom.  Why bother?  
  • D,

    I had a nice talk with R yesterday. I thought it only fair that I drop you a line as well. Decisions that I make in my adult life have not been made easily and not without some pain. I know you are thinking of this from what you percieve Spermy's side may be or as you yourself would as a father. I further know that since you don't know me at all, you are not going to be able to understand what it's like to be me.

    However, I am a person with feelings, and it does hurt to get a message sent to me through another person that I am close to. R felt they had to talk to my cousin about this, but this is not my cousin's fault or problem.   My cousin spends time coming here, getting to know me, and we have a good time and discussions about personal and painful things that are private.
    I know that you and R identify yourself as my "family". As so, it would have been more appropriate for you to have picked up the phone and talked to me yourself. I would have probably told you it was a private matter, and that's okay. Had we more time together, or an interest in me as a person rather than the offspring of someone you are fond of, we could have possibly had a deeper conversation.
    The point is, that it hurts for me. No, I do not want a relationship with Spermy. For me a relationship or family is one that spends time and genuine interest in me. It is not someone I see five holidays out of the year, but whom thinks it;s okay to be abusive towards me any other day. I think Spermy can live without the two hours of conversation that we would have during the year. I did try at one time to have one on one time, but that was not what he was interested in. That's fine, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.
    When I mentioned I was in a "good place" to R, they said something like "we are happy for all the things that you have", which is kind of a weird thing to say. What I have is people who love and support me. Life is fleeting and short, and I intend to spend that time with people who love me and I love them.
    Tradition and "should does" do not mean much to me when they are not meant with true feeling and purpose. Please remember that I am a human being who has gone through some very painful stuff in her life. I don't appreciate these awful memories being sprung on me around the holidays, and if you wish to do that you should at least do it with me in person.

    I hope you understand. I hope that this does not make you feel bad, but it is something I had to say.


mulderfan said...

Keep thinking I should write something to my NPs but it would be a wasted stamp!

Three questions suggested by my latest therapist say it all:
Will it be heard?
Will it be understood?
Will it change anything?

When I answered "No" to all three, after just one session, she told me I didn't need to see her anymore!

Rev. Renee has suggested I might one to send something just by way of a cleansing vent. Still undecided.

Glad you posted again. Always makes me smile and feel connected to someone who's been there, done that, and been screwed out of the shirt!

Winterskiprincess said...

I have been in conflict on how to cousel you on that. On the one hand, the fairy book ending did not happen for me. You know, where the donors at least here and acknowledge me OR even certain members of my family.

On the other hand, my thoughts are out there, I said it and I reached out. I feel I have acted honorably and the way I would want to be contacted. If I have any regrets, it is that I am too polite and niave sometimes.

So I have had the experience of being frustrated short term. Long term, they can't say they don't know why or what went on. They've tried to say that before, only to hear from me yet again explaining it in quite a bit of detail. I have repeated it until there is no way that they can claim otherwise .

In the future, they also know how to reach out and contact me. So the all is in their court where I threw it in the first place. I imagine that I won't be getting a third party message AGAIN from my aunts or uncles. Plus, they are not in my life, they have never bothered to reach out, and therefore it is none of their damn business. It's like sticking your nose into a total strangers business.

mulderfan said...

Can't help feeling that I'm letting them off too easily! There's a certain satisfaction to be had when you call them on their bull shit but my crowd can twist/deny things to suit themselves so therein lies the futility of wasting a stamp!

Winterskiprincess said...

I understand those feelings. For me, there came a point where I knew what I knew, and I did not engage in the shenanigans anymore. My donors deny deny deny. That's fine, as I know that we ALL know what they are doing. That is their choice, and I gave them the opportunity.

There are all these stages to this thing called estrangement, and when we feel comfortable with one thing or get comfortable in our own skin, then we can really see things clearly and act accordingly IMO.