Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A "Note" From Spermy Over 26 Years Ago

I probably saved this piece of correspondence from Spermy, because:

  1. It is probably one of the only written things that I ever got from him (except birthday cards where he would sign his name).
  2. It was an apology 26 years ago, and I was probably pretty sure I would never see one again.
  3. And I might have actually been naive enough to be touched by the "written sentiment".

Without further ado, this is the note I chose to "cherish" way back when:

On the front is a Boyton cartoon monster with horns, and it says "I'm Sorry" above the monster.   When you open it up it says "I know I've been beastly".

Hand written message says "Dear Robin, Sorry about our phone conversation the other night.   You should know by now (after 18 years) that the best way to get what you want from Dad is to talk it out reasonably.   I hate hearing things like that over the phone.  It is also very hard to hear that you want to live in Lowell instead of home.   It is hard for a father to see his daughter grow up and move away.   I guess when you become a father you'll understand.   Hope to see you soon.   Love, Dad."

Oh, man if only I had the insight to really read this apology at the time.  First of all, realize I lived in Lowell, as that is the college that I was sent to, and I could NOT DRIVE.   So the only way we could speak was either by phone, or dad could have gotten off his ass (before the monster he never came up to see me, and then when the monster came along, he saw me with her----which was like the rest of our relationship, it had to go through her---had she not been an evil selfish woman---which she is---that might have worked out just fine for me) and driven out to see his daughter at college on occasion (rather than to call and bitch her out whenever he did call).

Note the "You should know by now", so the event that he is sorry for is right off the bat my fault (but it warrants the only one of two apologies I have received---the other one saying that I was as bad as my Eggy).  You know all my life as a kid, I was told that I needed to grow up, support myself, and move out ASAP.   That they would Spermy would spend all his money, not save for me, and all my support plus his old age (and subsequent funeral costs) would be my obligation.  

Who knew fulfilling my parents' very request would bring such hostility?   I really don't know what was said, but if the incident with the custom worked heavy wooden chair being smashed beside me when I asked a question when I was home (in a reasonable manner as I assume I talked before this apology was given) DID NOT WARRANT an apology, I can only imagine what Spermy might have said to me.  In any case, it just recedes into to long list of verbal and emotional baggage I got to receive and sift through from him, when things began to become clear to me.

Now my growing up warrants verbal and emotional abuse from my father (all things I can control by the way being born, growing up).   Before being clothed and fed warranted abuse.   Then talk about a Freudian slip "when I am a father I will understand?"  Have I mentioned that Spermy hates woman and girls?   Ah, but he likes other men, especially selfish narcissists like himself, like my dear stepbro (a topic for another post).  Yeah, er Spermy, I never did get to be a "father" first of all because I would need to have a penis and sperm to do that.  Secondly, interesting that you never understood that your "child" would not necessarily have children LOLOL.

Dear Spermy, I am sorry I hurt your feelings by talking about this stuff, BUT YOU ARE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE AND OTHER CHILDREN OF SUCH ASSHOLES SHOULD KNOW THAT OTHERS EXPERIENCE THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR FROM THEIR SPERM OR EGG DONORS.  "Love ya just like you love me", Your Sperm/Egg combo  (sarcasm from the But on, as I know that I just mirrored back what Spermy and Eggy do)

The above written apology by Spermy must have been right around those "good times we were having together" that he wanted me to talk more about.  My instincts were right on by the way, to stay the hell away from "home" hell.   I can not imagine what that would have been like.


mulderfan said...

A few months ago, I shredded my letter collection (all written by NM). I had kept them because I thought they would keep me from slipping into old habits. We all know how well that worked for me! Mine were guilt and blame with a side of gaslighting and not even a "pretend" apology!

NF's latest half-assed attempt at an apology is probably an indication that NM has completely given up on! I should frame it as a rare document because h other than signing cards, NF (famous for letters to the editor) has never written to me before.

I never cease to be amazed by the fact that "your" two never even pretended to be decent parents, but figured "What the hell, if we're stuck with the kid we might as well exploit her while we're treating her like shit!"

Love that Spermy thinks you may be a father one day! Maybe he was offering you a sex change or letting you know he would have treated a son differently. Imagine another Spermy in the world!

Fuck 'em all!

Winterskiprincess said...

Oh so glad that the donors did not have more children to....toture. As it is, I wonder how Spermy's step granddaughters make out...

And if I had a sex change operation, that would have just been another thing wrong with me. The Spermy, he is not that tolerant of a all. He is someone who has used some recial words that I can't even make myself say in private.

I am sure it is wrapped up in HIS self esteem, but that does not mean you get to abuse or degrade others to hoist yourself up.

Anonymous said...

oh god the 'i guess when you become a father you'll understand' made me laugh so hard. hahahahhaha. can you believe this guy. i guess that means uh never right. i guess when you become a father youll understand. hahahhahaha. you should walk around and quote him on that during inexplicable situations. words of wisdom from a father!