Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Shout Out To This Blog About Boundaries

I found some new resources of blogs regarding nacissists, family estrangement, self esteem building e.t. that relate to my topic.

This blog is targetted towards women dating, but brings to light issues that can fit into all lives at any age  with the tweaking of a few words.   I totally agree with this blog about boundaries.   There is no discussion needed, one's boundaries are one's boundaries and they will be discussion needed.

Though we all have tried to justify our boundaries to others.   I love the way this author puts it into perspective as this wasted energy is "pointless".  The author is so right on about that, and I figured this out about 6-5 years ago.  My boundaries began to have a period at the end of them with no other words needed thereafter.

Arguments to my boundaries from Spermy:

"I respect you and your feeling more than you know. But, I have my needs and feelings too. I want to talk with you about what has happen to us, not just about Bettyann, but going all the way back to the beginning. Yes it will be painful, yes it will hurt, but at least it will be real. What we are doing now is not real, what you propose is not real. I'm willing to compromise,"  BULLSHIT alert.  What compromise was put forth?   And why do I need to make a compromise?  I have compromised decades of my life by this point.  Spermy can not even concede that I am done talking about Bettyann or "The Monster".   I have already talked, I have already heard all the excuses, I was done.   This is the one boundary that I put down, and Spermy needed to have compromised on LOL.

Put your boundary down and end the discussion.   They will either abide by it, or not.  I also am not going to spend my time AGAIN arguing with my father on what my feelings were during my childhood for Christ Sake!!!  What a further absurb waste of my time and life it would be to engage in "Spermy's compromise" (ie do everything HIS way).

One additional and interesting note about this though, in my recent correspondence with Spermy's sister and my uncle by marriage, it was clear that my aunt has been given the impression that Spermy and I don't speak BECAUSE OF THE MONSTER.   Now while the monster is an abhorrently selfish and evil woman, as far as I a concerned, I actually hold Spermy SOLELY responsible for his past and continued actions.  I hold HIM responsible as it should be.  He can marry and be with a souless monster if he wants to, she has and never had anything to do with our lack of relationship HE DID.  I do find it interesting that Spermy has tried to deflect blame to others in these different ways.

I am not saying that the monster should be praised for her evil and selfish behavior, but it has nothing to do with Spermy (except for those times when he supported or encouraged this abuse of me).  Again, Spermy's actions are his actions, Eggy's actions are her actions, and the Monster's actions are her actions.   No one is responsible for what the other does or did.   They can just worry about their own actions.


mulderfan said...

I'm finally starting to realize that ALLOWING people to treat me like a doormat was the source of my resentment and low self-esteem.

The latest step is working toward enforcing my boundaries with NO COMPROMISE and NO DISCUSSION. Hence, the term BOUNDARY!!! The blog author likens it to an "electric fence" which makes perfect sense.

Thanks for the link and the insight. A great read, as always!

Anonymous said...

I think it's important in these situations to keep someone to their word. Spermy would say something like "just name the date and time, and I will put everything aside and meet you then". This was when I was cutting ties, and had told him that I was sick of his breaking his word. So I let him know the date and time, he initially said yes of course, and then of course broke off when a dinner was offered to him instead.

I asked myself "why am I spending my effort and time on this"? The funny thing is that when enough was enough, and I told Spermy I had to spend time on my business and husband (basically they were more important than him) HE was offended and held it against me.

Oh to live in a Spermy world where everyone is expected to revolve their worlds around Spermy alone, even when he treats one like shit.

mulderfan said...

"Oh to live in a Spermy world where everyone is expected to revolve their worlds around Spermy alone, even when he treats one like shit."

A perfect description of my NP's world!

Jonsi said...

Hello Winterskiprincess!

I wanted to pop my head in and say thank you for making a great point on the Dr. Coleman forum.

I'm sure that no one there will be receptive to it, but I think it's great that you have added your truths to the mix.

Here's something DH and I were discussing last night: Most of the posters on that forum are completely hypocritical. They say, "You aren't allowed to judge us...but we're allowed to judge you." Or, "You must respect us...but we owe you nothing, by right of parenthood." It's mind-boggling.

Posting on that forum feels very much like talking to EFIL and NMIL. Blech.

Winterskiprincess said...

There is such hostility on there, and while we do all have that side to us, there is no reason for that hostility when a different point of view is presented in a polite way. Probably many on that board are in the beginning of their journey, and I don't know what step "blame" is in grief....but many of them seem stuck there.

Jonsi said...

I agree, they seem extremely hostile and it doesn't make much sense to me. I admire you for your continued fight on that forum. It's not "in vain" because it means something to the people whose honor you are defending. Thank you.