CAUTION: THERE ARE CERTAIN WORDS THAT INSURE THE NUTTERS OUT THERE FIND YOU. RELIGIOUS [ANYTHING] WOULD BE ONE. I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH MY SITEMETER FOR THE SEARCHES THAT PICK THIS UP.
When we lived in the city, we had a "bible thumping door knocker" at least every week . My favorite when three Stick Lodged Firmly Up My Ass ladies came to save us from the sins that caused my mother-in-law to be dying. I can't imagine what would have happened if my husband had answered the door!! Be assured, the words coming out of my mouth contained neither "God" nor "bless" and my Dobermans were likely sitting behind me in the doorway (no one knows they don't know the proper meaning of "kill the religious nuts")
When we moved to a more remote location, where many dogs are regularly in my house or my yard (waiting for the command to attack), I thought we had skirted both the religious freaks and the kids that used to be bussed into our neighborhood on Halloween.
But a book thumping biddy not only went half a mile into my property, but opened a door where I was housing dogs to put in the very literature that could have saved me. We are idiots that do not lock our doors here, where no one could hear our screams. Instead, I strategically know where instruments of death may be found to beat someone to death, and ask questions later. Just a few more inches, and this lady would have found herself on the receiving end of a Caphalon frying pan (husband doesn't like that one anyway). It would have taken me awhile to search through the bloody remains to pick up the stick and literature to figure out who she was....Oops. My bad.
So now it's sunny and not so cool out, and the little church mouses must be poking their heads out of their hidey holes. Luckily the ice storms have provided sticks a plenty for ass installation. Their little lips on their face go into the typical pucker as well.
But this year, since it is a safety issue, I have my bible with upside down cross, face chicken with head cut off as my prop, and bloody butcher knife at the ready at the door. Oh yeah baby, I am on the look out. I am not going to wait until they knock this year, I will through my stuff on, stagger out of my house, and start zigzagging and doing all sorts of crazy shit on their ass.
I mean, it's better than the frying pan solution, right?