Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bi Polar (mothers day sequence continued)

My mother brought up a subject on her blog (out of spite, of course) that I do talk about here. I don't talk about it so much, as the condition really does not affect me, since I have found the right medicine and the right dose. My mother, of course, attributes this to why I don't find her to be a nice human being (or my father or step although she does not find them to be nice human beings). It's the whole "I own you" and "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you" mind set. That is true, my mother and father did not sexually or physically abuse me (however no one owns me). They were emotionally and mentally abusive (with my father threatening physical abuse by smashing a chair near me) and very very controlling, which only got worse with adulthood. My step actually physically abused me once, right before I smacked her back (so she would never forget that I stick up for myself) and walked out of the house in a t shirt, underpants, and no socks in a blizzard.

My mother portrays my estrangement as leaving "everyone that loves me". I find this such a funny statement. Maybe they (not the step however) believe they love me, but that is because they recognize the emotions used to control and manipulate as love. I was very confused by my husband and his relationship with his parents, as I was always expecting the other shoe to drop with them. "Why the interest in me, what do they want from me?" As opposed to "Hey they are interested in me, they must really like me". I am estranged from the in laws due to their deaths, we were friends during their lives. Unfortunately, that is one estrangement that I have not chosen. The estrangements that I have chosen, were chosen well, and have served to enrich and change my life. These estrangements have nothing to do with bi polar, as my mother claims to have researched. If she had researched bi polar, she would know some things about it.

First of all, apparently I have cyclomania and not bipolar, because I am able to function without the drugs at all (not at a level that Iwould like) and very easily with drugs that are mild. Celexa is my drug of choice. I have just moved up to 40 mgs as 20 was not doing it any more.

With this mental illness, you really know the difference between being in it, and feeling like your normal self. Other people can not necessarily see that you are in it. The ones that ACTUALLY DO love me the most have no idea that I am in it, unless they drop by while I am huddled under my covers in bed. It's basically just highs and lows. I am more prone to the lows. In other words, sadness that does not go away and nothing is going on that would make me that particularly sad. The highs are untapped energy that comes forth and makes me extremely productive, so much so that I burn out by wanting to stay up all night doing something. It has nothing to do with my relationships with people, and I take my meds for me and how I feel internally. I graduated college (with a 3.5), rose to an executive position, and did all sorts of things before finding the meds so I wouldn't get the blues so much.

That is all bipolar is. It is not some scary disease that warps your brain. Your internal chemistry just needs a bit of a tweak. My mother says I blame her for this. Don't know why as she doesn't say she has anything LOL. My grandmother has something, but if it's this there is something else there. God, I would much rather have this than my husband's asthma any day (and not have my recent allergies that have made me much more miserable than bi polar). I would much rather have this without the meds than my husband's asthma. I mean the blues are bad. I don't really possess the words to describe how bad they are. Once you are out of it, you almost forget how bad it can be.

But getting the right meds and dosages, brings that puppy right under control. I saw one lady describe this as "it's like living on a island that has raging tropical storms, and then brilliant days that never end no matter how exhausted you are. And then you get normal rain showers and some good weather days." It just brings everything back to the middle of how you feel internally. You are still able to have your opinions, however, and mine are well founded....on the fact that some people are just ugly. I mean inside. Ugly, controlling, narcisitic, sexist (added in my S Donor's case), racist (added in my S Donor's case), selfish, unable to recognize love if it bit them in the ass. Oh, and let's mention not able to give or recognize when an apology is warranted.
I have in the past alluded to the fact that my E Donor may have narcistic personality disorder, as my opinion and not my diagnosis nor a diagnosis from her doctor. I think that is different than announcing something that you know is a diagnosis on a blog for the purposes of demeaning someone only (something my mother claims never to have done in her life). I do have those demeaning rants on my mother, but no medical diagnosis were included, though some other adjectives were . I honestly do not feel sorry for that, as they were in response to something she said, and I felt justified in getting my anger out in that way. Plus I don't seek a reconciliation. I am always amazed at the fact that she just doesn't break down and say, well maybe I did some things wrong. You think??????? Not the, "I am sorry for whatever it is you think I may have done phrase". I mean for the lying alone about the wedding being the reason for our estrangement to her friends. Or I dunno how about the lie that I did not care that my grandfather or step brother died on a board that she thought I would never find. This was in response to a conversation with my aunt or huband (she wrote SIL, so it's son in law or sister in law, but she won't tell other than it's not Aunt Rae LOL), where she found that I thought she was emotionally and mentally abusive as well as controlling and manipulative. So what she did, was perform those very activities on a board LOL. Good judgement and logic that.
Is it right for me to post ALL my thoughts on my E Donor? I don't know, maybe not. I do apologize for giving my opinion of a diagnosis when just reiterating that she is an ugly sort of person would do. An adjective and not a diagnosis that I would use for her is narcistic. She has no care for anyone in her life that does not revolve around her or validate her existance in some superficial way. That is probably not a mental disorder, just who she is IMHO. She does not admit or recognize this in herself, perhaps honestly. She has lived her life her way, and done the things she has done out of "love" in her opinion. All I have to say is YIKES!!!


Anonymous said...

My mother recently passed away from colon cancer. We were not close because I lived 600 miles away. I held her hand as she died and wished I could start over. Her life was tough and my not being around to help her surely made it worse. Some things we just cannot undo.

When we are kids, our parents---their opinions, beliefs, prejudices, possessions, habits----are the basis of our complete reality. It's like a microcosmic mythos. It never completely goes away either, for it remains foundational to who we become. Even if we become very different it is still integral to a source, a reaction towards or against who they are.

A paradigm of reality stands threatened with the loss of one parent, and when both are gone it could mean the entire template is gone. My choice was wrong and I hope for your sake your choice is right.

Carol B

Winterskiprincess said...

Thank you Carol. I do believe my choice is right for me. It's not a reaction to who they are, but a reaction to my right not to be involved in a relationship based on negative and constant reactions towards me and my privacy.

I totally expect that they will be gone, and that we will never interact again. I think it's best and healthy for all of us, unless some big fundamental change happens.

Winterskiprincess said...

My mother in law passed away recently (within the last three years) from melanoma, and the realizations about what was wrong with my relationship with my parents (notice I do not say wrong with my parents) caused me IMHO to have a healthier relationship with those that I truly loved, and who truly loved me.

My father in law passed away two years ago, suffered from mental illness that overtook him in his last days. I miss him immensely. They both had the kindest and biggest hearts, though they were not perfect.

Anonymous said...

Hello, I just found your blog recently and wanted to comment on the above. My husband is estranged from his NM and often gets similar advice/comments. While he doesn't say so and usually brushes it off, he has told me that he does not feel love toward her nor would he feel regret when she dies, only relief.

As someone with "normal" loving parents, this was very hard for me to understand until I saw how she treated him before estrangement and how she still treats his sister now. Only someone who has been there can understand this is the right course of action.

Winterskiprincess said...

Very true Anon. My husband had very loving parents. I didn't even know what that looked like for the longest time.

Tundra Woman said...

I realize this is a Post from the "Way-Back Machine" but I'd like to comment on estrangement and death of the estranged parent(s) aka the "Bogey-Man" thinly veiled, "You'll be SORRRYYY when they die!!!" comment made by Carole B.
I've been there/done that. I've experienced the death of the relationship with my biological "mother," Psychobitch and her physical death almost 2 decades post-estrangement. Had I any deep, unconscious reservations regarding my decision to terminate the relationship with her, her behavior post-NC continually reaffirmed my decision and demonstrated her pathology beyond my wildest imaginings. Not surprisingly, Eggy/Ginny has also demonstrated the same towards her "DD."
We are born hard-wired to bond with our primary caretakers, our Parents. That's science, not a "feeling" or "impression." Consequently, it takes YEARS of concerted, consistent effort on the part of the parent to destroy that innate need to bond, our unconditional love for our parent(s), our hope that somehow, some way we will be successful in our efforts to have some sort of relationship with them that is built on a foundation of love, trust and respect, NOT Fear/Terror, Helplessness and Manipulation. The love of a child for a "parent" IMO is the purest, most unconditional form of love any human experiences yet It is consistently rebuffed by the "parent(s)" through various means, particularly behind Closed Doors. The reality is by the time an AC makes the decision to NC there have been YEARS of anticipatory grieving for what never was and the reality of what will never be. Consequently, their physical death becomes essentially meaningless as we had, over those preceding years, de-facto experienced the Terminal Illness, Death, Wake, Calling Hours etc. of that parent(s). Particularly in view of Psychob's behavior Post-NC, the news of her physical death was a profound relief for me.
As an old widow, I have been present for many deaths beyond that of my late DH. I can say with absolute assurance people die the way they lived. By the end of their lives, these "parents" leave in their wake a stunning Trail of Tears of destroyed lives and people: They foul one nest and move onto another.
Most fundamentally, an AC through terminating the relationship recognizes the "template" presented to them was *not* one which they wished to emulate nor continue. None of the ACs have had Charmed Childhoods/Lives and we are determined to refute that Legacy in our own lives and move beyond the dysfunction and damage inflicted by "parent(s)" who never should have been. We are reminded from the time we are Little Ones we "owe" the Golden Uterus/Sperm Donor our unflagging love, attention, "respect," etc. while the same had never been demonstrated towards us. We have accepted the reality of who and what that "parent" *is,* not who they endeavor to present to the Outside World.
When a "parent" expropriates childhood from their own kids to meet their *own* "needs" (whims/wishes-what ever) they have stolen that which can never be restored. For that, the EPs are entirely responsible.
Terminating the relationship may indeed be the most compassionate response for all parties. The reality WSPs "parents" are so far down the road from any hope of reconciliation through their own behavior towards their child, now adult "DD" is written all over the Posts on this Blog. I suggest you take some time and read them.