I am not sure who I was more pissed off at. I have been really pissed off at the Stepmonster and her spawn, the son SD most likely always wanted. Let me be clear, the estrangement was not their fault but they have been horrible people to me in the past. They certainly had no problem piling on in the Stepmonsters case at any weakness, and the Step Spawn's case to join in.
Then hearing the spawn's excuse of not calling me that "he did not have my contact info" just reminded me what sniveling cowards they are. I definitely had renewed anger at them upon learning this. They were right to be scared or ashamed to call me because it would probably not be pleasant. I have pulled up my big girl pants when I did not particularly want to reach out on their behalf at least a few times before the estrangement. Their continued cowardice makes me pissed off yet again that they can not be decent people.
I have wondered in the past whether if SD tried to contact me if I would respond. The general answer is no. If it had been the same old conditions and disrespect of my boundaries, I would definitely have not engaged.
What if he needed help for some reason and there was no one else to look out for him? I don't owe him anything and interacting with him would be just like it used to be. Any generosity on my part most likely would be abused. I may have reached as I questioned my sanity. I really do not know.
Oddly, I did find a text from my father only through sending out a condolence. It popped up and I had not seen it. I have my phone on do not disturb and not too many people contact me through text. In fact, only my husband does and it is through fb messenger. So I was not looking for texts, scouring through my texts, or paying any attention to them.
The text message told me how he died 3 weeks later. Pancreatic cancer had taken hold and he was warning me that it is genetic and to get screening early. I thank him for that and will update my doctor accordingly.
Was I mad at him? I have to tell you that most of my reflections on our relationship were not happy and if I think about them too much, I feel much anger. This is why I dealt with those feelings previously and had not been dwelling on them for awhile now.
On my 16th (actually probably 17 or 18 as the seperation between my parents had started) my SD did bring me and my best friend out to a fancy dinner somewhere and had gotten Duran Duran tickets for both of us. That is probably the best memory I can think of. It was unexpected and I did not think he paid attention to what music I liked. That was a nice thing to feel in that period of time.
I don't really know what I would have done had I gotten that message when it was sent. I may have texted back and wished him a speedy recovery if it was possible. A "last conversation" would have been most likely been unpleasant for both of us, so I probably would not have called so he could be upset as he was fighting this or having his final days. It's been 20 years since he has not been part of my life. I don't see the point, but I don't know what I would have done if he asked.
The arrangements and dealing with his death are with his chosen family. The answer of how I would feel when the time comes has now been answered. I hope he was not afraid at the end and I hope Gram greeted him, though I am agnostic. Agnostic means to me that you don't know and don't pretend to know the answers of the universe. My grandmother was a staunch Roman Catholic. All the same, I hope a part of our soul is a real thing and that you can be reunited with those you loved when you pass. The thought of a black hole of nothing is disturbing which a friend who passed believed. I do not believe anything having to do with organized religion which IMHO people use as a way to control others and justify violence towards others. So I don't picture pearly gates, a white bearded God, Jesus, or the warmer option.
When my grandmother passed, I drove to her old home to reflect under the boysenberry tree after her funeral. On the way there, I distinctly smelled my grandmother's perfume. When my cat Clyde died, I went home bawling and I suddenly heard his loud purr which used to wake me up in the morning. When my grandfather died, a music box played a bit and I thought I felt someone lightly pull my pony tail. At evertime someone or an animal close to me died, I have not had those experiences. I don't believe they were my imagination or way to cope but who knows. I hope those show that we are all still around in one form or the other and able to connect later if that is desired.
RIP and safe journeys
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