Here is my latest dream which I am logging on this blog, as it is relevant to the estrangement. It's Christmas Eve, and we are at my grandmother's house (haven't had a Xmas Eve part for over 15 years now there). My grandmother is dead, but she keeps coming in and out of the celebration. Not like she is a ghost or dead, but I know she is dead. I am expecting she is going to ream me for my estrangement from my dad. She doesn't, and he is there.
He has brought presents for me, but I am not interested in them nor talking to him. I mean I am not "not talking" to him, but it's superficial only like "hi" or "merry Xmas", and then I keep my distance from him and the step.
I am helping my cousins dress the tree, and I keep breaking these "heirloom" ornaments. There are new ones there like the magic hallmark ornaments but unbelievable and almost toy sized. There was one that was like an aquarium museum with a seal in it that bowled. If he didn't do it right, an alligator came up and ate him. It was a pretty wild ornament.
So this is what I get from this dream, and anyone else please feel free to comment. We had certain traditions as a family that meant we were a "happy" family. As long as we had Christmas Eve, we all showed up and exchanged presents, well then whatever else went on during the year did not matter. It's interesting that I would fully expect that my grandmother would scold me and be horribly disappointed in me, but she makes no comment in the dream. This is something that I could never imagine her not doing. She has surprised me in the past though, and it's probably my subconscious hoping that if she sees me from where she is, that she finally understands my decision and circumstance. In a Roman Catholic family it IS NEVER alright to disobey your parents never mind completely cut them out of your life.
This is kind of related to another dream that I posted in error to my other blog. It's regarding not talking to my dad, but he wants to come drop off presents. I am not interested in the presents, and plus it's weeks after Christmas. Then he wants to bring over my birthday present too, and it's six months after that. I remain uninterested in seeing him or getting the presents.
It's very much about this superficialness to our family. Really outright lying on my father's part that everything is fine "see I bought her presents, what else would she need?"
He has brought presents for me, but I am not interested in them nor talking to him. I mean I am not "not talking" to him, but it's superficial only like "hi" or "merry Xmas", and then I keep my distance from him and the step.
I am helping my cousins dress the tree, and I keep breaking these "heirloom" ornaments. There are new ones there like the magic hallmark ornaments but unbelievable and almost toy sized. There was one that was like an aquarium museum with a seal in it that bowled. If he didn't do it right, an alligator came up and ate him. It was a pretty wild ornament.
So this is what I get from this dream, and anyone else please feel free to comment. We had certain traditions as a family that meant we were a "happy" family. As long as we had Christmas Eve, we all showed up and exchanged presents, well then whatever else went on during the year did not matter. It's interesting that I would fully expect that my grandmother would scold me and be horribly disappointed in me, but she makes no comment in the dream. This is something that I could never imagine her not doing. She has surprised me in the past though, and it's probably my subconscious hoping that if she sees me from where she is, that she finally understands my decision and circumstance. In a Roman Catholic family it IS NEVER alright to disobey your parents never mind completely cut them out of your life.
This is kind of related to another dream that I posted in error to my other blog. It's regarding not talking to my dad, but he wants to come drop off presents. I am not interested in the presents, and plus it's weeks after Christmas. Then he wants to bring over my birthday present too, and it's six months after that. I remain uninterested in seeing him or getting the presents.
It's very much about this superficialness to our family. Really outright lying on my father's part that everything is fine "see I bought her presents, what else would she need?"
3 comments:
You know? i was hoping youd post it here because i didnt know how much cross over there is. My thought about your grandmother is that she probably understood or would understand a lot more than you think. I agree that this is about the idea that its a "gift" for you that he is your father. As opposed to seeing that you were the gift in their lives. Im glad you saw through the "presents" buddy.
Alrighty, this is a test, only a test of the broadcasting system.
You know, I had thought I was replying to comments before, only to look back and see mine are not published LOL. Yikes. And I just posted a long comment to the above.
Let's try this again, maybe my previous comment was too long. Basically, material things in my family have always been used as a control mechanism for power over children or spouses. It's funny when you think about it. "I won't write you in my will" for instance was a refrain used most often. One, I know my cousins and I have always taken care of ourselves, and have not been planning on our parents left over assets for our survival.
Two, my family's roots are from the depression, so there was not all that much of monetary value there. As for my father's future "estate" (he said this when I was a child not so much as an adult because it would not illicit a reaction from me) would be top heavy with debt not assets. He wouldn't even share the last cookies with me that I baked with my grandmother, never mind look out for me in any way. Plus I don't expect that, I always wanted him to use it for himself or his old age.
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