Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The H Word

I've thought a lot about the H word. HATE. I would say, I hate my step monster. I suppressed it for a long time, and tried to work it out with her. The thing is, I just hate her, and with many good reasons. While I would never wish something horrible to happen to anyone (really), she is the one person that I daydream about having a horrible asthma attack or is lying in a ditch and I just drive by. I can't stress enough that I would ever ignore a human being (and I guess she is that) in trouble, but she is a person that I must hate. A lot of people say hate is closely related to love, and in this instance, at least, I would have to disagree. I didn't not like her when I met her, but I thought she had a broom handle up her ass. I didn't start to not like her until I walked in the house and she was screaming "bitch" at me from the top of the stairs for moving into my father's house when I was 18. That pretty much started the whole dislike process, and still I tried to make it work.

Do I hate my mom? No, I feel sorry for her. I think she is not an emotionally well person, and combined with that just not a nice person by any stretch of the imagination. I believe that for some reason that I can't imagine, she holds onto anger from her marriage with my father that is well over 20 years old. She has this fixation that she just can't stop obsessing or talking about him. I wonder how that makes her current husband now. Also, from the amount of times she has talked about thinking her current husband should go to therapy, I wonder at the happiness of her marriage. She seems to think life has swept her helplessly along some path that she could not control, when she was in control of it the whole time. Additionally, she feels others are responsible for how she feels about herself. She needs validation that she is the wonderful person that she wants to be, and is angry when she does not get it. Trials and tribulations that we have all gone through---or most of us anyway----(putting yourself through college, first crappy jobs) are unto her a horrendous experience that no one else could have possibly suffered but her. In fact, she has had a pretty good life. She has had careers that she wanted most of her life (antique dealer, photographer, writer). She has a marriage that she wanted, and was her "soul mate" and unlike any other relationship she ever had. So, I can't really feel all that bad for her!! I don't like her, but I don't hate her either.

My dad, I would say I feel more contempt for him. Perhaps, he has a mental illness and I should feel sorry for him. I have at times. Unfortunately, all I see when he speaks is his manipulation. I don't know that there is really anyone there underneath all that. What work it must take to be like that all the time. I would be exhausted. I have to say, I don't feel like he only doesn't respect me. I have heard the way he speaks to the monster, and while maybe I think it's karma for that to happen, it's not the way I would accept being spoken to or treated by my husband. Course, well, she treats him as though she hates him most of the time. Relatives have been commenting lately, as she and he haven't hidden it as well as they could presently. Or as they have done in the past.

While I think it's healthy to distance myself from my family, and just feel acceptance, even that disturbs me. I wish I could stop feeling guilty that I don't like either my mother or my father. The monster is of no consequence, and anyone who lived with her would be hard pressed to like her. I have other words for her besides the "H" word, like the "B" and "C" word . I feel not a whit guilty about that. I think she worked real hard to earn them from me. She deserves them.

It sort of disturbs me that I knew at a young age that all I wanted was OUT. That was before the Monster. It was a huge mistake to move back in with dad when I was 18, but at least I learned about the Monster instead of wondering later on what it was exactly that I didn't like or trust about her. I didn't need to think I was crazy later for not ever bonding with her. I knew exactly why I didn't like her, and even she can't make excuses except to deny things happened. Only problem is, there were witnesses to two big events .


crse said...

did i tell you i pulled out the "h" word during therapy the other day? it was giving me nightmares too. For some reason, i feel like ive told you this!

winterskibunny said...

Yes, you did tell me this:) That's what got me thinking about this. I always wonder is it hate or anger that I feel. And is there a difference. Maybe hate is anger that never goes away.