Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Notes on Estrangement from Tony/BA

There is an ongoing estrangement first between me & Betty Ann and now between me & Tony as well. This means it is doubtful we will se my side of the family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. So for any of you that feel comfortable, visiting us or calling us during other occasions is recommended.How did this all start? It started by me asking both Betty Ann and my dad to respect my wishes not to use Betty Ann as my real estate agent. Why I even need to do this is beyond me? Why do we all think we are required to use Betty Ann? She doesn't use me or Robert in any business transactions. Well, apparently it was a requirement of our continued relationship.

The reasons that were presented for why we did not want to use Betty Ann? We have a lot of pressure on us right now with Robert's mom dying, his new job as sales manager, my new business, and the purchase of this new house (a happy thing but still pressure filled at this point). We did not want to worry about familial relations coming into play during the sales process of our house. We decided to use a realtor that we could make decisions with quickly or come down hard on if we didn't like what was happening. We would have hesitated on things with Betty Ann, because she was family, and normal people consider the feelings of family.Course, there were reasons we didn't express. When we bought the house in Worcester with Betty Ann, she pressured us on other houses that we did not like. She pressured us on concessions on this house that we did not want to make. She came to Robert's hospital room (the day of his operation to take six inches of intestine out) so he could sign the purchase & sale agreement while he was still under!!!! What a nice caring lovely person she is.Course then there was the real estate transaction with Robert's brother Jeff. Jeff had contacted her, because Robert in a brain fart had given Jeff Betty Ann's number. Jeff found out his job was in jeopardy, and told Betty Ann they were no longer putting the house on the market. Betty Ann went behind Jeff's back to his now ex-wife Theresa, and continued with the deal knowing this. Jeff found out, and ended that whole episode when he found her in his house scheming the whole thing. Nice to know Betty Ann was so thoughtful of family.Any way, needless to express, this simple request of ours was not honored. What happened next to seal the deal? Well, Betty Ann had not said much at the initial conversation. She called back though. She started out defensively asking why I would not use her. I explained again. She asked if we could "try things out". I said no as that would take time we did not have, and we had already decided what route we would take. She then started screaming at me about the horrific events of 18 years past (see below if you are not familiar). I ended the conversation, as I was afraid of what I would say to the attack that I "ruined their marriage 18 years ago" and am in fact "still ruining their marriage". Unable to sway me, and now cut off from discussing this with me, she started on dad. (We were not estranged.....yet). Reasons that she gave for being upset about this during the conversation "humiliation". This is now known as EXCUSE NUMBER ONE. Now note she did not say, I care for you and wanted to help you through this, or I was looking forward to helping you and Robert. Nope, it was the "humiliation" of it that upset her.I had called Tony to give him a head's up (I had also been nice enough to let Tony know before I even had the initial conversation with Betty Ann), he basically blew me off, said he was going to be neutral (which was fine), and then gave EXCUSE NUMBER TWO. That Betty Ann was recently diagnosed with diabetes, so of course it's okay for her to be abusive and unreasonable towards me. Let me just let you know, there is always an excuse from them. Again, not that she cared about us, not that she was looking forward to helping us. Several more nagging conversations between Betty Ann and Tony, apparently convinced him not to be neutral and instead have in-depth conversations about 18 years ago with me. Oh, and about why we weren't using Betty Ann too. Since Betty Ann was no longer allowed to discuss this with me, she took out her favorite puppet, Tony. Wow, must be some marriage that one. So dad calls with the urgent insistence that I let him in my home to rehash the past, which we had talked about then ad nausea, AND of course to talk about the beloved Betty Ann. I said no, talks were called off. I did make it clear Tony could talk to me relating to me & him, just not Betty Ann. This was not acceptable to him. So then Tony left the seemingly oh so thoughtful note, saying he understood that I was upset with HIM, that my points were valid, and that I could make the time place and method of conversation. I chose 4:30 Friday, at a park near me so I wouldn't be trapped in my house with him if he chose a different agenda. Tony was SOOOO concerned about discussing us, that he suggested a rescheduling to the middle of the following week, as he had a dinner date that night, and then plans to go visit Rae and Dick. You know, so it would be more convenient for him, this oh so important conversation. That was it for me. That was the last straw. I have made these same feelings known to Tony in an e-mail.Before I had this conversation with dad, I had called Betty Ann to let her know:

  1. she can discuss her feelings with me that I don't need a third party and
  2. I didn't appreciate the manipulation of Tony and my relationship for a real estate deal and
  3. there was no EXCUSE for her behavior. She ended this conversation with an "FU" (see that's the Betty Ann most of you don't see, but I am fairly familiar with), after she explained her displeasure was that I "didn't try hard enough to use her as my real estate agent".

Was it over then? Oh no, Betty Ann then left not one but five messages for Robert at work!! When Robert called back and asked why she was calling, she said it was because in discussing my reasons for not using her I said "Robert and I" and she wanted to verify. Robert quickly ended this line of conversation, letting her know that she will not be our real estate agent. Then Betty Ann does what she very seldom does. She showed her true self to Robert, by telling him (no actual events or anything just these statements) that I "ruined" and "am ruining" her marriage. She made all sorts of statements, that Robert does not even want to repeat to me, because he was horrified and he was also with me during this period of time and knows from actually being there and witnessing events what the situation was.The bottom line is, in order not to be blamed for their apparently failing marriage (what a surprise with such a loving spouse so concerned about Tony's relationship with his daughter) or to endure the emotional abuse and conversations about events 18 years in the past, which I had forgiven, I have cut off all relations with these people.

What's my problem with Betty Ann Reck Caputo? If my dog is dying, and I don't want to come to Maine, call my dad. After all, it's clearly my responsibility to taxi her father up to Maine at the one time I am having problems in my own life. Not her responsibility, not her sister's responsibility, not Andy's responsibility. No mine. And do you want to know why? It's all about control. Control that she no longer has over me in any form, and it is driving her crazy nuts. Well good. I have tried for 18 years to let bygones be bygones. I have schlepped her father, I have trained her dog for free (even though other appointments she couldn't make or just wasted my time), I have cleaned up after other guests in her Maine home, I have stayed after parties to help her clean up, I have sucked up the feelings I have "for the sake of the family", I have heard her and Andy snicker at my grandmother in Andy's living room because she dropped a crumb or two, I have in fact ignored what an evil bitch she is. I have forgiven that the first day I walked into my father's house to live before I was fully grown, she welcomed me by screaming at me that I was a bitch. And the last day, she came into my bedroom in the dead of night, because dad had offered to do the dishes and I wasn't feeling well & he didn't, and when I stood up she slapped me across the face (I walked out of the house in a night shirt, no other clothes including shoes or socks in a blizzard). I made it clear to my father after that, the condition of a continuing relationship was that I never be put through that again. That condition has been broken. Last year, called Tony's house to wish Tony a happy birthday. I got Betty Ann and chit chatted a bit. I asked where dad was, she said he was at school meetings but she would give him the message. I found out later that they all went out to Chinese dinner that night. It's not really that I wasn't invited, but why would Betty Ann lie to me. What is her problem? Clearly we all know now, she is still blaming me for my dad's first marriage, and that I am a living and breathing reminder of that. Like that is my fault. Apparently I was orchestrating the demise of her marriage for a REALLY long time, like before I was born. You know Ginny and Tony were just so great together, I have been scheming since their divorce to get them back together. Yeah right!! I mean I don't have other things to do, a marriage, a career, a business,......nope just been plotting against Betty Ann. Finally, I had made the mistake of taking care of their dog, DJ, on two separate occasions. I enjoyed taking care of DJ, but it's a mistake because instead of thanking you for that, Betty Ann needs to find ways to make YOU responsible for her dog. First she called me up, and wanted me to take DJ once a week. I said no, that's a lot of work, I don't run a kennel, and I do other administrative things at home where I can't be worrying what an untrained puppy is doing in my house. Then she called on Easter and said if I didn't let her dog loose in my house outside of a crate and keep him there with Leon (assuming I am at the Easter celebration) then it's my fault that she can't have Easter at her house. I asked if she would like my training help at that point (being that we still had two weeks to Easter) and she refused repeating the afore mentioned again. Now what do you think I would be treated to if my dogs were shitting and peeing all over her house unencumbered while we were elsewhere? Hmmmmm?

What's my problem with Tony? He has never supported me in anything unless it goes with his plan. Never saw my dad so proud as when I was a controller. Had I been a clerk at a seven eleven, then I would still be daughter non-existent. Do you know how many co-workers of Tony knew the whole family------well except for his daughter? "Daughter, Tony doesn't have a daughter, I know his whole family". It's like I stole his antiques and for my heroine fix. I assure you that never happened. While I was married, Tony told me to be careful with Robert as my beneficiary, because he "might kill me for the money". So he was not supportive of my marriage, which I think everyone can agree is quite solid. (I think he and Betty Ann better watch out themselves). My wedding day was just so much lovelier by the participation of Tony and Ginny making it about them, avoiding each other, and making the awkwardness so noticeable. Neither made any attempt to be a part of the wedding, before after or during, except to "as a wedding gift" pay for half each of the wedding. Robert's mother was the only one in the family to give me a party. She was the only one to congratulate me on my engagement. She was the only one who offered to participate with me in any rituals normal daughters look forward to, and you would think their parents would be living for. Not mine. No way, it was a day about them. Same with my graduation. Same with EVERY EVENT INCLUDING THE HOUSE IN MAINE. Before Neptune died last year, my Nissan's battery went and Robert got in a car accident. We needed to transport Neptune from the local vet to Tufts emergency. I called dad to see if he could help, he said no. Now let me say, while he calls only for favors, this is the only time I have called for a favor since graduation (and I don't think I called for any FAVOR other than for his attendance). When it really counts, he's not there and not only is he not there, he creates more stress and problems that are unnecessary.It was a simple request, please just let us use another realtor, and do not stress us out during this time when we are dealing with the upcoming death of someone who truly does love and care for us. Neither one of them could comply, they are both now out of my life. This is bound to make most of you extremely uncomfortable. For that I am sorry, but I need to start sticking up for myself and no longer be a doormat for people that don't even care about me. Oh, my dad may say he does, but his actions speak volumes. It's like when serial killers say they love their victims, whose heads can be found in their kitchen freezer. Is that what you would call love? Not me. Recent and past actions on his part have been unacceptable, and in the face of this most recent development, it is clear to me that any energy (beyond this indignity to Betty Ann and dad) is not worth my effort.

Yeah, I know Tony and Betty Ann are going to be horrified by this. And I will enjoy that immensely, whether people agree with this or not. I do need vengeance after my 18 years of hard work being there for them and getting nothing. One darned favor couldn't be done for me. Business must be pretty bad for Betty Ann. Actually, I am sure it's just been the lack of control over me lately that made her peep her little demon head out, and finally show herself for who we always knew she was.

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