Friday, January 13, 2006
On Finding My Mothers Blog
I recently became aware that my mother was posting a blog out thereabout our estrangement. An relationship that I ended because shebecame emotionally abusive and unstable. It has been 10 years thusfar since I had spoken to her.I found the blog. I wanted to check it out, as I had beenentertaining ideas of reconciliation. I suspected that it was mymother that contacted me about it under an alias, and thought Imight be pleasantly surprised by what I saw. I wasn't. It was avery twisted version of reality, and quite shocking to me.Then I found her post on this site, where she claims I felt nothingfor a grandfather and step-brother who died. She said this aftersomeone else had told her I felt she was mentally ill, andemotionally abusive. She has a five year blog out there thattalks about our relationship from a very twisted version of reality.She also says that I broke off a relationship with her mother onlybecause she spoke on my mother's behalf. What she left out wasthat her mother was blaming me for my mother's impending suicidebecause I refused to take the abuse. My grandmother, by the way,would call up regularly when I was younger during asuicide "attempt". So there were a couple small details left out.First, I was in grief. I really really did not want to believe whatI suspected, what I believed was really really true. I have postedhere before, and someone had mentioned something aboutexaggeration. Believe you me, I had no idea how on target I was.Second, I experienced a relief from guilt. I was finally able tolet go of the guilt I had held for believing this step was necessaryfor the last 10 years, and can now go on guilt free for the rest ofmy life without ever contacting her again.I did contact because she still claims ignorance as to why we split. I had told her verbally, and in writing 10 years ago why.I felt that since in her blog she still expresses confusion, theleast I could do was explain it one last time.It's very sad, but a huge relief. I can go on now. I know for those of you that did not choose etrangement, this may be upsetting,and I apologize. Your situations are all different than mine, and no one should have to go through this abuse.Just know some people on this list that represent things one way,may skew them for their own purposes. That's the last thing onthis.