Monday, January 02, 2006
Did I Ever Have A Good Relationship With My Father?
Did I ever have a good relationship with my father?The answer is no, not even as a little girl. There is a pointwhere in grade school you start formulating your own ideas, and mydad would always scream at me until I just backed down. I amtalking about abstract thoughts and thinking, no facts. So forinstance, he wouldn't be screaming at me because misinformationabout when World War II was, but what I personally thought ofminorities, or democracy.It was agree or be beaten down into submission. It's why Icouldn't wait to escape from the house, outside of the divorceconflict that I was continually pulled into. When my mother left,I was expected to pick up where she left off, even though I was 18and trying to get my own life together. And even though, he hadnever given me a thought until he didn't have a woman in his life.The cycle is repeating itself right now, and I just refuse to gothrough it again. I can't accept someone telling me it's okay forhis wife to (out of the blue) say I have been destroying theirmarriage for 18 years.This same woman, who showed up in my bedroom one night, 18 years agoto slap me accross the face because the dishes weren't done (in amoment of weakness my dad offered to do the dishes because I camehome late----she didn't know this----and the response was to smackme accross the face). This is where estrangement one happened.Before that my father was questioning my career choices, my partnerchoices, my current husband, and keeping me out of family eventsbecause he didn't agree with those choices then.I just don't see what value this relationship has? Do you? Thisis a man that I see like maybe four times a year, on a good year,for 15 minutes a day. These meetings usually consist of himreading the newspaper. I can't come up with one good memory of himbeyond the age of six. I mean I am sure there were some in there,but I remember an awful lot of pain with my family, and beingentirely too aware of every aspect of my parents divorce....due tothe yelling....and certain, uh, instruction manuals best forchildren of any age not to find....and certain intimate details,that I really did not ever need to know.If anyone can come up with a valid reason, because this is where Ihave come to right now, please let me know. He's not there forsupport, he's not there for comfort, he takes special one time in alife moments and disperses his dysfunction into every single one.That's how I feel.It's a sad commentary, I know.