Monday, January 02, 2006
How Would It Feel If You Could Never Talk to Your Dad Again?
Oh sorry, didn't see that last question. My mother-in-law just died,but she's been terminally sick for the last two years. I have spentat least the first year thinking about that with both of my parents.It was the reason when I learned my mother had public postings outthere, I went to see if there was a chance.Can I plead the fifth on that question? I don't want anyone to dieor be hurt. But if I could not (for whatever reason) send thatChristmas card, and would never hear from him again, I (cringingbefore I say it) think I would feel relief to not even have toconsider it again.Not a lovely thing to say.You know, we came accross a picture of me and my grandmother that thisreminds me of. I was in junior high. My husband asked "were youand your grandmother not getting along at that point?" I said "yeahprobably, why do you ask?" He showed me the picture, and I wasslightly turned away, my lips were compressed, and my arms werecrossed. No, I did not look very pleased to be there. Since then,my grandmother and I had worked through it, and I found she was reallyloving and not trying to piss me off at all. We had thatgenerational thing going on is all, and bottom line for her was thatshe loved me and didn't want to upset me.If you could find a picture of me and my father (good luck there---andno there is none of me even in his house) I think I would be in thatvery same stance or cringing away from him. I have tried to talk itout, only to get the same beating down.Then comes the "therapist" voice that just drives me crazy. I havetried to be part of that family, and I wonder why, because I justdon't like him. I don't have unconditional like for him, never mindlove. Mostly due to the treatment of me, and the dislike I have ofmyself when I feel like I'm acting like an eager panting puppy tryingto get a dog biscuit.