Friday, April 29, 2011

Just Archiving Reasons as Part of the Female Donor History

I realized that I spent time on my mother's blog, and with e-mails explaining the reasons for our estrangement, so that she could stop publicly posting that "she had no idea".   However, I never did transfer these over to "my story", but they remain in "her post".

Here was my umpteenth explanation to her (in 2008):

Here is my list for you, since that format seems to make more sense for you:

1) Did not appreciate the hurtful lies on a board about my feelings about my grandfather or stepbrothers death, mainly because it was a hurtful response to your finding out I thought you were mentally and emotionally abusive.

2) You are mentally and emotionally abusive IMHO. Due to the fact that you have a one sided standard for a relationship. You are not able to accept boundaries (IE spying on me, interviewing family members, bi polar mentioning, other public board postings about medical info that could be written privately, the fact that you respond publicly most of the time to your "audience", and so on....I have mentioned them before).

3) While I have not pressed for more info on your "explanation" (there was none) of your mentioning my bi polar that was outside the realm of being spiteful and hurtful, as was in the past, instead of listening you EITHER make up your own stuff or start compiling "evidence". It never ends.

4) You don't listen. You don't absorb anyway. You make up lists, answers, other explanations, but the one thing that you do not do is listen. Or acknowledge or apologize. You do make dramatics for being asked to acknowledge or apologize. I was at first assuming these lists were an attempt to acknowledge, but I perceive a spin on my words coming about.

5) You have shown no interest in ME while you knew me. That is evidenced in your posting about my job and what you thought my strengths were. You were so busy making up negative stories, that you never enjoyed my successes or worried about my worries. Your worries centered around not getting the perfect gift. I did try to be there for you by doing things like organizing the clean up of your father's apartment, but it was never enough. And it was always about you.

6) You do not know how to have a two sided relationship. You do not understand love or define it the way I do.

7) You try to control things, and slam dunk things when they do not go your way. You assume that you are the only person that has gripes, and that you have nothing to gripe against.

8) Given the opportunity to move on, instead you took the opportunity to provide me with a "therapy" letter. You could not keep your word on the way our relationship could and was planned to go forward.

9) Given the opportunity to come visit and work it out, instead you took the opportunity to give a list of demands, after agreeing that we could do things that I liked to do for ONCE. Like I would force you to bike ride or anything, that wasn't the point. The point was you were again being controlling and manipulative. That would not fly anymore.

And I have grown, and continuing a relationship with my father was a huge mistake. It is possible that dissolving it sooner could have actually saved our relationship. Instead, it gave him more a sense of entitlement for his and her actions.

This is the list in my words. If you want to reword it, those are not my words. I won't re translate for you. I think I have been more than clear on my viewpoint. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are trying to understand, but the continued rehashing of this does no good.

I am really mystified as to what you are trying to get out of it. This has all been said before. There is nothing new here.

You could have listened and understood this years ago, though perhaps I wasn't so good at communicating. I apologize for that, however, I am not thinking I saw great examples of communicating in my childhood. I am not blaming anyone, I am just explaining as to why I may have lacked some skills.

Any how, I am really done now. I don't need responses to these, but do that for yourself if you want. You had mentioned going to my blog as a means to help you. I don't want you to, nor think you especially want to.....I am just saying, you can do what you want to do. I certainly keep on top of what you are blogging about. I don't use it as a method of communicating with you or your friends who are visiting. I don't write it with a thought of reconciliation, and I am sure there are harsh things there.

I just do a mental dump there, and like I said you are less than 10% of my postings. And most of my postings usually come along with thoughts of what was posted on your blog.

I do read your blog to reassure myself that I have not made a bad choice. Past actions should speak for themselves, but truth be told, I find it reassuring when you keep on making the same mistakes. I should say though, I appreciate your honesty of what really goes on in your head most times. I do feel as though you are "playing" me right now. Using an empathetic tactic, which clearly sucks me in. I have to honestly tell you, I don't see a time that I will ever trust that it is so. So if you are looking to get something by providing responses that you think I will appreciate it, it is for nothing other than perhaps the satisfaction that you may have made me feel better if not trustful.

****What is interesting to me about my own response to Eggy's manipulative questions and twists on my words, is that I don't really talk about the "final straw" that catapulted my knowledge of who my mother is/was/will be.  It is more about the future events after Egg Donor could not accept that I was not going to worry that her gifts were perfect representations of our "fantasy relationship" according to her.


mulderfan said...

Just browsed through your NM's blog. Last time I was there I looked, briefly, at her birthday video. About 30 seconds into it I wanted to hurl. What a self-absorbed excuse for a human being!

Skimming through some of her other entries has not improved my opinion of her in the least. "Whack-job" is the nicest thing that comes to mind!

Cheers, mulderfan

Winterskiprincess said...

Tell me about it. The world exists to please her...

Winterskiprincess said...

Thank you BTW for your validation of my feelings. In reading everyone's posts about acceptance, this was one of the more painful things that I needed to accept. That is WHO she really was and was not.

By the time I was ready to walk away from my male donor, I had already accepted who he was THOUGH, I really had not thought he was as thoughtless and selfish as he turned out to be. Shocker, but I was prepared and it was less painful.