It's been since October 2005 since I have spoken to my father ie the S donor as I now enjoy (very mean spiritedly I admit, but have to get my angst out somehow) calling him. But to other relatives, they just realized this is going on. Course, I am almost sure they were not directed to this site for explanation LOL. Though that would explain my father's blogging outburst, and there were some lookie lous from FL and NH right before.
And then, you are trying to have some grace and tact when explaining, without it getting ugly or too specific. Sometimes with people you know very well, it is good to let it all out. These guys hang out with my S Donor and Monster more often. So they have a friendship with them, that I wouldn't wish to nor can destroy.
So picking the words and explanations that describe yet are not too specific are sort of difficult. Probably not a good time to call the step a "C U Next Tuesday" or my father the Sperm Donor. Though, those are both ways I feel. It's not particularly nice, but it's been the one way I have been able to allow them to feel just a little of the hurt that I felt for years. Probably not the healthiest way to act out in the long run, but I am indulging a bit for now. Next year, perhaps that kind of vocabulary when talking about this won't feel so necessary to me.
- Not allowed to express anger, disappointment, or expectations to my father without it being all about him. The reverse in regards to me is not true of course, he is allowed to do all those things. For me though, I never have and need to express things now. It's not okay for me for him to just shrug it off and say get over it. Although just an "I am sorry" without his excuses would have been fine in the beginning.
- My childhood was awful, and the parental relationship of my adulthood was negatively affecting other things (ie the family that is immediate that I love, and the family that was married into that I love, my business, my ability to focus on problems as they come up instead of inevitably focusing on what my father wants the focus to be at that point---which only seems guaranteed to come up when their is a crisis that I need to attend to).
- I want my adult hood to be as full as possible. I do not feel that is possible with either of my parents in it. In that they provide only negative and nothing positive to the relationship.
- I have a condition that I need to take care of, bipolar. While I don't blame them for it, it does become more difficult to control the down swings when that constant pressure is on to be everything they want, while getting nothing in return.
- They are unable to take "no" for an answer.
- There is no respect or love in the relationship beyond the moving of the jaw or typing on a keyboard to say "I love you", which by actions, as far as I can see does not mean love as I know and define it.
- Plenty of chances were given for dad to back off or talk to me. He wanted his own rules instilled, he is no longer in charge. If he wants a relationship with me, he will also have to give and compromise to the one or two things that I want. He is also not entitled to have the no boundaries relationship with me that he is trying to mandate. He has not earned the right to have that kind of relationship with me, and has abused that power in the past. I also had given in about the step as far as having a relationship with her, and discussing her with him, only to have him abuse that power over and over as well.
- Both of them feel the need to have third party conversations with me. My father says "if this is the only way we can talk" on my blog. The fact is I CALLED HIM ON THE PHONE, I CALLED BETTY ANN ON THE PHONE TO TALK TO THEM PERSONALLY. I MADE A DATE AT A PARK TO TALK PERSONALLY TO DAD THAT HE COMPLETELY BLEW OFF. I sent a Christmas card to my dad that he admits to ripping up, and did not send me any card. I sent a Thanksgiving greeting to my father, to which he never explained why he did not respond. So er, I have been making the effort.
- He has not taken ownership for his actions with his BS apology that only says he did not mean to hurt me deliberately. He can't just say he is sorry.
- Both of them were completely disrespectful and unwanted during a funeral for my mother-in-law, where the step barrelled through the greeting line stomping past me in a spectacle at the funeral. At my anger over the incident, my father could not believe how I was overreacting. It was really a polite letter that just said her presence was not wanted, and in the future to await an invite before attending any of MY family events, especially since she could not act respectfully in public.
- I have thought of no reasons OTHER THAN placating my father to start up a relationship.
- At the recent anniversary party, the only difference from being estranged and not being estranged was the fifteen minutes of stilted conversation, in which my father would ignore me or stare off during most of it, and the fact that I didn't need to hide (though I didn't do any demos for anyone) that I did not like them.