Monday, July 02, 2007

Here is the sticking point with me. Yes, I was born, and thatcaused tension between my step and my father. And my father insteadof just being neutral, tried to excuse the unexcuseable actions of mystep, without me prodding for them. Forcing them on me if you will. And we are not talking about one act from her, but manyunforgiveable acts IMO.

It's hard for me to take ownership of that. In fact, I am not taking ownership of that. I have the right to live my own life, beme and be loved or unloved. I don't need to maintain relationships in which I am unloved (by my definition of love).I had deferred for so long, that perhaps my anger and resentmentblind me to my part in it, but I see no way it could have been avoided other than for me to remain subsurvient to it, as I had for my lifetime.I am just flushing stuff out, as the family reunion did bring to theforefront again on whether all could be forgiven on my end.

And nowI remember my train of thought from the beginning of the day LOL (can you say attention deficit disorder).I watched my cousins up there with my parents. There was love,tears, and choked emotions. Knowing the people up there though, I know there are other things as well. So many things in my family are a mask. If they weren't though, how livable would that be? I guess what I am having to say, is estrangement comes from the choice of "can I live with that". Sometimes, you need to wear the mask,and pretend everything is hunky dorey. Only so that the true love can shine through.

In my situation, I guess I believe the "love" is only a mask and nothing at all below the surface except self interest(on my father and steps part).And even that was okay in the relationship as long as certain boundaries were maintained. The ones regarding the death of my mother-in-law in particular, and the sale of my house.Oh, so I guess if I can take responsibility, it's of not drawingthose boundaries early on. I guess when I finally said enough, itwas such a revalation to them that I could and would draw a firm linein the sand. And I was surprised, having not tested this before,that it wasn't immediately comfort and support that was given at this time, and instead they wanted to argue with me about them, our relationship, and the sale of my house.

Then things got ugly LOL. I think without a foundation for me to go back to of any really happy or loving memories of me and my father,it's hard to think it would be worth it to try for anything. The difficulty of keeping a mask up without anything worthwhile to do it for is tiring. The arguing that happens if you say no to something,is tiring. That is what my cousin's divorce reminded me of. When the wife said that the arguing over the place of a pencil made it clear that they needed not to share the same place, and the arguing began happening in front of the children over such things. That really struck a chord because I knew just how she felt.The control in my family is very weird. With gramma, if you put the teacup in the wrong place, she would right it or tell you too, but it really wasn't so controlling. With her children, it's very weird....if you are company never sit in the wrong chair. That is uncle so and sos chair, and no matter who you are, if you didn't live in that house you will be outted from the chair. Saw that happen to my poor husband, Robert, who would make the mistake of sitting down after helping the family clean or make dinner. It's very weird, and apparently this kind of obsessive behavior had made it into their home, where one partner was contolling the placement of everything all the time. There is never any letting go of control for the sake of the relationship.

I wonder if there is a name for a condition like that. If it was my grandma, you could joke with her about it,and kid with her. The kids seem to have taken it father than it was ever meant to go.I have it too. God I hate when my husband puts a dish from one set,where the other set goes. I am not talking about good dishes here. But you know what, it's just not that important. He after all DID the dishes LOL. And he cooks, and helps clean, and brings home the bacon while I pursue my dream of training dogs. It's a partnership and everything can't be all my way, or all his way.My Italian side of the family it's very "you will comply with my wishes". If you are a female spouse or child of someone, you are property well beyond your childhood years. The males never really show any loving emotions. It comes in the form of material goods, that means "love" to them. Or to spend timewith their daughter means you bring them out, but then ignore them or read the paper. And yes, don't forget to tell them their face has a pimple, they are too fat, they are too thin, they didn't graduatefrom the first college that they intended, well into 20 years later.I guess many people live with this, but I find it intolerable. ThenI feel guilty when someone who has been physically or sexually abusedis talking to their parents, because at least my parents did not do that.

No comments: