Friday, June 09, 2006

Reply to Mom's Four Part Series

It's so ironic to me that you complain about my "correcting" you when you talked about me for 4 years, including lies about my feelings for my grandfathers & step brothers death, and a known lie about why I ceased talking to my grandmother. You hunted down my realitives (I never got Jimmy on the phone) and "interviewed" them. And my husband was just being polite if he said he didn't know why I wasn't talking to you, and he was feeling harranged when he told you I felt you were mentally ill. He probably just wanted you off the damn phone.

Nice and reasonable does not work with you. Apparently you get the message much more, and put a little more thought into it when nasty comes in. I hate being nasty to people, but as I have learned in the corporate world, when nasty works it's nasty that they gets.

Won't it be refreshing if you actually stop writing about me and my father now. I mean what more possibly could you have to say? You've had a good four year run, is it out of your system yet.

As for being judgemental, yeah, I never received an apology or validation for anything you did to hurt me. Not one, "I see how me not telling you that I was married could have been upsetting, especially when I wrote to your father about it and let you know that way, by being abused by him in my stead". Nope. It's not that I was upset that you were imperfect, but you wanted the fucking perfect daughter in me, and the perfect relationship only as per how you wanted it? I don't think so.

You couldn't muster up a "how's your husband doing" while I was mentioning what room number he was in and what hospital to you, but you did want the perfect birthday gift. And that's how you wanted to measure our relationship? You even mentioned the CD player you got me as a measure I should use for your birthday gift. Then you whine about how little money you had at the same age I was, then you say it must be because I am overvaluing my talents as an have really twisted logic and a twisted version of what a realtionship should be.

Then while you say you have a copy of an apology, you can't muster up what could possibly have been in it, other than you didn't know how to communicate at the time. Not only were you an imperfect mother, which I could live with, but you couldn't even apologize for abandoning me in a parking lot when I was young, vulnerable, didn't know how to drive, didn't have a cell phone or money to call for help, and then scream at me for giving you a message when you got back that I had no idea as a young girl was an issue.

To say that parents should be getting along during a divorce, when it was you that was trying to get me in the middle to sue my dad, and break into his house to get your things. Is that part of keeping your daughter out of the middle?

Or that your daughter wasn't your confidant during the time you were having an affair, so you never needed to give her a heads up while leaving her with her father? Yet there was another personal errand you could bring her on, not to mention encouraging her to read Hite reports so her sex life wouldn't be as bad as yours while she was still in Junior High, never mind High School?

I think you were a bit more than imperfect, like completely self absorbed and self interested. You didn't even know me, you even needed to make up a list of things you thought were me based on interests you last knew in High School. It might occur to you that since I was younger, of course my interests would be things that younger adults would know.

As far as being an incomplete picture during my childhood, in reading your posts it's still the same picture. One that I didn't need to be involved in. And there was no need to be eaves dropping through the heating vent, as you guys were screaming at each other while I was watching tv in the room. Didn't seem to be a whole lot of concentration on good parenting from either of you during this time, beyond my basic needs? I think the lack of understanding on who I was just shows where your concentration was the whole time........on you.

The only illumination you gave me, was that you sought therapy and actually thought about it before intitating an affair during your marriage. So it was premediated while you had other responsibilities. And you feel no remorse for that. It is entirely everyone else's fault that you didn't get a divorce first during this period of thinking about this. And perfectly understandable why a friendship would be possible with a husband that you did this for two years!!! Okay.......apparently you don't have a whole lot of understanding of human emotions or empathy towards anyone other than yourself. And I say this thinking dad isn't any great shakes either.

I hope you can do me the kindness of now putting this at an end. I sincerely hope you didn't write this as a way to get through to me for the goals you are looking for, which is justification that you can be so selfish by not validating how others in this scenario might have felt or suffered. It was all just about you and your journey. Well, if that is they way you felt living your life, and continue to live your life that way, feel free. But to think everyone else is going to say, "hell yeah let's go for a trip to Sweden and you just feel free to abandon me like you did before, and we just to things you like doing. And let me now obsess about getting you the perfect present especially when all you did was complain about presents that I attempted to get you based on what I thought you might like and my finacial situation". Um, the answer is just continue staying out of my life lady. I am sorry that might hurt you. I am sorry that I am unable to love someone as self absorbed and selfish as you. I mean that sincerly, I have no pride in not wanting a relationship with my mother. But I am imperfect, and that is my selfish choice. My life has been better without you in it for all this time, and will continue to. I hope you can find some joy in the fact that I enjoy my life, I did not go into a marriage without love, I have chosen not to have children so that they will not suffer from inattention although I probably would not have been as inattentive as either you or dad, and I have made the selfish choices in my life that have made it better. On the other hand, the loving relationships that I have where the love, validation, and support are returned, I am unselfish in what I give them, because what I get back in non-material things is so much, and so rewarding and what I have been missing in my own biological parent relationships.

Have a good life. And if you can keep from writing about me, you will be able to keep from hearing from me. But perhaps that is exactly what you are trying to avoid, and so perhaps I have allowed msyelf to be sucked into your vapid void all over again.

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