Wednesday, June 21, 2006

How do you erase?

Waking the last three mornings has made it clear that I am suffering from allergies or a cold. (Course then the thoughts start creeping in cancer? lyme disease? cardiac deterioration? clogged arteries) Most likely though, just that time of year again where it is time to suffer through. Haven't been doing such a good job of that.

Ironically, have been taking both headache and allergy meds, and have felt worse both days after taking them. I used to not because I hate being beholden to medicine. Seems I should have the majical power to heal myself. Majical, magical? Oh well, here we go. Soon do a spell check only to ignore which of those is wrong. I am betting on the "g" one as being right.

Unfortunately, with feeling physical sick, comes the other sick. Or it could be the other way around. Which comes first the chicken or the egg? Course I am banking on the allergies and soreness of joints bringing on the other. The other is a manifestation of feeling ugly inside and quite noticeably irritable on the outside. Tres little patience at the moment for just about any kind of dumb questions.

Course then there is the anger that comes to the forefront. Shouldn't you just be able to get rid of this? God knows, I don't want it. Why can't I just erase that from my psyche? I mean who cares? Game set match already? I have written, thought, griped, confronted, used swear words, et et et. Still that anger still seethes below especially when an "episode" is coming on.

And it shouldn't. I have sad and not very nice people for parents. They are going to march their time, and be their unhappy sad selves for the rest of their lives. Totally self involved with themselves and unable to have relationships with anyone who is not as involved into themselves as they are. I should be happy that they are now going to do that without my involvement or bearing witness to it. Is it the disease or me (the inner me) that still feels this way?

Guess I will have to wait for a better day to figure that out?

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