Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Reply to An Apology

No harm has been done, I just didn't want any lasting "confusion" to be on my part at all. If you are unclear on my reasons, I wanted to reiterate what they were again.I know how it feels to hurt over these familial problems. I was quite hurt (when my request to let this house sale be a non-problem was not honored by either of you). I was further hurt when you both insisted on revisiting it, knowing that Robert's mom was dying. It was pretty crushing to me, because although I believed you both to be selfish and controlling, I thought in the end that my plea to be left alone during this extremely painful portion of me and Rob's life would be respected.

Not only did you both bother him during a stressful time (he won't say this but I will), but you made this selling of our personal property so much more than that. It didn't need to be. I am sorry the other e-mails hurt you, but I wanted you to know this was not the only incident that was making me feel completely disrespected and uncared for. It would have been pretty bad even if this was the only incident, but the fact is, it wasn't. Not by you or by Betty Ann. I had never meant to tell either of you these things, as the past is the past. I am not going to change the person you are, or who Betty Ann is. It would be an exercise in futility, but I can control how I allow myself to be treated and what my boundaries are. There is no denying that. I have gone through enough pain about this in my life.

Finally, you furthered the hurt by not allowing us to just work on our relationship, but again insisting on jamming Betty Ann down my throat as you did 18 years ago. I should have never given in to you then, and we would either be beyond this point now, or we wouldn't have talked since. And I further take responsibility for repairing the breach with Betty Ann when her mother died. I gave her the idea that she could still do this, but she used to be a lot more subtle about it.

Parents during estrangement say "I didn't know this, therefore it's your fault". According to the above, to an extent that is true. However, just because you don't know that someone doesn't like to be verbally and emotionally abused does not mean that you have the right to continue to do that. Also, when I stood up for myself in the past, you made my life miserable, and the only way I have been able to cope for the last 18 years is to make as few waves as possible. I also don't like to be the B word that Betty Ann is very comfortable being. It doesn't make for nice relationships for me, and these are relationships I shouldn't have to fight that hard for. I know because I have them and other people have them, it is quite possible to disagree; respect anothers wishes, respect their different beliefs, respect their different values, and still love them (through actions not words) as a cherished person. I don't know how you can be "confused" about my rage to hear from BA that I have been ruining your marriage for 18 years. I do not know how you can be confused by my "rage" when you refused to do this with me on the phone. I do understand your "confusion" that I verbalized my incredible anger and disbelief that you were being a party to this. And I am not saying you need to step up for me, I am more than capable of defending myself. But to defend her to me after the incident 18 years ago, even if you do not acknowledge her actions presently, is disgusting. "Neutral" I would tolerate. What you have done instead is unacceptable.Until this incident, I have treated both of you as cherished family members. Both of your disrespect, not subsequent e-mails, has hurt me deeply and caused a relationship with you to be impossible for me. If at some point, you can see this "condition" that you demand is not acceptable, we may be able to talk (I realize this would require you to make an unselfish act on your part). As is, please do not contact me again.I accept your apology below. I am going to work on my business again now, and continue enjoying the life and people in it that I am lucky to have, and show me the same.


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