Damage that can happen in your subconscious although consciously you never thought it would.

First of all, things have been great as far as the "no contact".   Not a peep either directly, indirectly, or via the internet.  No weird strangers contacting me (who know absolutely nothing about me) asking me to comment on something my donors have said.   No pleas from "family members" via third parties to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable so their buddies (my donor(s)) feel good (it's never any concern about me).

Then I was thinking of the poems I used to write my pets when they died.   I thought about this, because it linked to the more recent posts to "family members" dying, and that made me think of other grief.   Then I thought why didn't I write poems for Mustache, Leon, Jackie, Stormy, and Jazz.   And this made me immediately think of something my NM blogged about how I apparently like to write sappy poems.

I did not even realize this was subconsciously affecting me.   Granted I am no artist with words, I know that.   This is not why I wrote these memorials to my pets (and a couple of love poems to my husband).   It was to somehow represent something that I was feeling inside in that moment.   Because NM could not accept that I was no longer her victim, she needed to take a mean spirited shot at me.   And I knew that, but thought at the time this would never affect me.

Now I wonder where those poems are and if they have been saved.   It's like that day that side of me just shut down for someone I had decided some time ago was not worth my while.   Certainly not worth these examples of emotional abuse that was her side of our relationship!

Others have said it's not that ONE thing.   It's the constant barrage of things.   I for one am so glad that barrage has stopped, so I can continue to get my feet under me and reclaim myself.   I love the way those goofy poems make me feel now, remembering how I felt then.   So now I will be working on memorials to my other lost pets.

Try not to let people diminish those parts of you.   It's hard because sometimes you do not know it happened until much much later, as it happens subconsciously.

Bizzaro World

One of my cousins on eggy's side sent me this picture recently.   My Grand Uncle Ernie had forwarded it to her.  This picture brought out a lot of conflicting thoughts.   My cousin on spermy's side said "what a great picture of the trio".   This was not the foremost of my thoughts when seeing this picture.

The first thing that struck me is that I did not first think the yellow short woman was eggy.   She actually seems to look more like my Aunt Sojna (no blood relation to eggy).   Or maybe my cousin Debbie who was roughly her age, I think.

I think there are a couple of reasons I have trouble recognizing her.   One being, is that woman has almost no similarity in my mind to what I know of her now.   Even her interests...she used to play softball, we used to hike in the mountains, and I did feel loved at this age by both eggy and spermy.   I am probably six in this photo, maybe even five.   The physical exercise stuff she pretty much hates now, and may have even hated then.   It is hard to fit the perception of her by my six year old self, to my perception of her as my 40 year old self.  I can pick out things that hinted at what I understand her to be now, but taken as a one time thing could have just been anyone having a bad day or making a bad choice.   Looking back on days like this (I don't remember the exact one, but I remember days like this in the Cape) I see two people that I have not seen since (in spermy's case) age 9 and (in my mother's case) around age 16 or 17.   Though I would say I knew something was not right around Junior High, but the real realizations started to trickle in around 16 to my 20s.  

It strikes me how captive young children can be into their parents "situation".   There is nothing a daughter can do if their father dislikes women.   You can not keep yourself, for instance, from becoming a woman instead of a cute toddler girl who thinks her father is right in everything before learning to think for herself.   In third grade, I loved my teacher Mr Sullivan.   Not in a romantic kind  of way, he was just fun, interesting, and into teaching his students.   He made everyone in his class feel special.   One day I came home enthusiastic about a lesson or idea that Mr Sullivan had taught us that day.   I was met with a lot of hostility from Spermy.   I look back on that day as the day the guy in the picture above became deceased as far as my perception of him.   It was not that little incident understand, it is every incident that snowballed after that.  I never felt loved or cherished by spermy pretty much since that day.   I did not understand why.   I did not even really understand what was happening.   It was not until reflecting the course of our relationship later on, that I could pick out what seems to be a pivotal moment when perhaps both of our opinions about each other changed drastically.

It is clear now that spermy was threatened by my interest in my teacher vs my compliance in agreeing with him instead of forming my own opinions.   I was brought up correctly so to believe racism and sexism is bad.   However, I found later, that these were not the ideals of my donors inner most thoughts, and sometimes public verbal thoughts.   I know that eggy thought she was a feminist, and that she was independent.   However, much of what she writes is about the dependence she has on people viewing her a certain way.   Part of that is narcissist but part of that is also not understanding that you need to take the reigns of your own destiny.   And that is not representative of a strong or independent woman.

When those things start to diverge for me, I realized that my donors were pretty much strangers.   Through other events and things that happened, they ended up being strangers that I did not like at all.

It's so weird to see a photo like this for this reason.   It's like looking into an alternate universe.  A bizzaro world where these people grew together, were close, and lived happily ever after as the loving family they appear to be. 

I guess it troubles me that I had no control, and have no control of how the story of that family turns out.

WTF?

Yes I see that you have been peeking in several times since Lynn's death.   And no, I don't accept your invitation to "connect" on Linked In.

Say it with me "dysfunctional triangulation" yet again.   If I had an interest in "connecting" with you, I would call you, as most normal people would do.   Perhaps write.   Instead of triangulating your messages through relatives or websites.

I DO NOT have any interest in contacting you.   Lynn's death has NOT inspired me to disregard my boundaries or my happiness.

And if we see each other at an event soon, just try to act like a normal human being.  You know "hi" and walk on by.  Not glare, or press up against the redbox distribution center, or scowl, or any of the number of things you usually do.  Unless it is the other one, in which case also just try to act like a human being.  Let me talk to my relatives if I want to without running up and inserting yourself in between as you did at the anniversary party.   Trust me, I have no interest in talking about either of you.

Just going to support the groom and bride.   So please, don't take these as opportunities to do whatever selfish and inconsiderate thing it is that you are tempted to do.  Try just try to be decent one time.   It would be appreciated.

More complicated thoughts on estranged "family" death

I am very sad when people die.   It very much affects me.  I am also compassionate for the families of their relatives who are now gone.  

Strangers die, people I have watched on TV die, acquaintances die, people I have seen around town die, co workers die....and some of those people (not all but some) I have had a closer relationship than my own FOO.   Should I die, I do not want someone showing up at my funeral that I have chosen not to speak to for years---sometimes more than a decade even if we might share a gene or two.   I will be grateful for their mourning, but please do not desecrate me if you were not in my life with your pressence in my death.

In the same way, I have chosen to honor my cousin without pretending our relationship was something that it was not.   People closest to her that chose to keep their relationship real and alive with her should surround her at her funeral (assuming that was her wish). 

If this was myself (which it is notand I know that), I want a cremation and very private perhaps non existent memorial.   I do believe that my cousin who passed was not in spirit itching for me to rush down to be with her body and a bunch of people who have not bothered to reach out to me until a death in the family (typical by the way). Trust me, if she had not talked to me for years (and we had no falling out, I believe it was an organic growth of our dysfunctional family state), at no point would her big concern after death be whether I was there or not at her funeral.

 I guarantee you, my spirit will not be zoning for people I have not talked to for a decade or more when I go (but maybe that is just me, and just because I have dealt with that already).  Just scatter me with my pets around the beach or the yard by someone who truly loved me, and was with me through the happy, the sad, the bad, the good, the sickness, the health, the poor times, the rich times, through work, through play, and on and on.   Do not come to me after I die to say how much you blah blah blah.  You did not even know me.   I did not know my cousin that well, only superficially.  I did like and respect her.   I think I knew something of what she might of felt about our family.   Then again maybe not.   I have not talked to her for a very very very long time.   Before then, we may have talked once to three times a year, even when we were little.   We never corresponded on Facebook or anything like that.   Never shared a really deep thought.

I feel for her, and I feel for her family.   Got a call from my Uncle, which I did not return, after about seven years of him not bothering to contact me even after I reached out long ago.   This is not a punishment to him, he is just not in my life.   I worked very hard to purge myself of the virtual strangers that can take and can demand, but can never give or empathize in return.  And I do empathize with them, but they don't need me.   I don't need them to use me as their proof that I will come running, and after all we are a close family.   We ARE NOT FAMILY EXCEPT IN THE MOST STRICT BIOLOGICAL SENSE.

I know the cashier at the grocery store better, and I like her more.  (A bit harsh but I speak the truth here)   So while I feel sorry for them, they are going to need to turn to the people they have kept in their lives.   I grieve for my cousin on my own terms.  I certainly do not want that poison to surround me in my time of grief---that is really about lost opportunities for her.

Deaths In The Estranged Family

Found out that my Step Monster's sister died this last February.  Her sister was actually a nice and seemed to be real person.  I remember when her fist child came along, how very very happy her and her husband were.   Then their second child came along, and was met with more happiness and love.

She was smart, educated, warm, funny, and was loyal to her family.   I was never in her inner circle, but I appreciated her for the woman that she seemed to be.   She was taken much to early, apparently from breast cancer.   I don't really know, but the family requested donations be sent to a breast cancer research foundation, so that is my guess. I believe she was in her sixties, so she was pretty young actually.

But not as young as my fifty year old cousin that died this month.   Her brother, the one cousin still in touch with me, was good enough to let me know.   I had not talked to my cousin in some years.   We were somewhat close once, and then moved apart.    Actually, although not officially estranging from her family, my cousin lived a distinctly separate life from her family.

There are quite a few sad parts to this tale for me.   One was that she was about to move to Florida to spend more time with her family.  She was just on the brink of putting all that in place when she died.   Or maybe that is a somewhat happy thing is that she probably died in her sleep, while being excited about this.  I only wish she could have full filled that adventure.

The other sad thing is, and I can only guess this from coming from the same family, is that I don't think she ever felt comfortable being her authentic self around her family.   My family tends to converse in criticism.   My grandmother used to converse this way, and I finally figured out this was her way of saying she loved you.   So I would just tease her about that (after I figured that out) and call her out on this.

It is my opinion that my aunt uses this same technique, but I am not ever sure that if she does feel genuine affection for all of her kids, that they have felt that.   There is something about a constant chipping away of saying "your too fat", "when will you settle down", and on and on that if you accept that and let that poison seep into your system, you internalize it and it owns you.   No amount of jawing the words "I love you" will undo that, without the opposite actions of showing actual love.   When someone makes it seem at least that they love your successful career, but not this other part of you, it makes you hide and cover things that are perhaps not that grim or worth covering up.

I have come to a place where if a relative is doing something self destructive, you should perhaps let them know of your CONCERN (different than criticism) one time (maybe two times).   You know after that, they are going to do what they are going to do.   You can either have a good and loving relationship until the end, or you can have an adversarial relationship or the appearance at a relationship at the end.   As long as that relative is not hurting you, and you have let them know you are there to help them, there is no point in heaping criticisms upon them or upon loved ones of theirs.   Especially if they are not hearing any positive things from you to counter balance that.   I still believe that harping on a criticism that is not relevant to you presonally, can only be harmful to the other person.

I don't know that this is what happened with my cousin, but if it did, I wish she had an opportunity to fully deal with that, and have authentic relationships in her life.   She was a bit self destructive perhaps, but I think this was born of the ability to ignore a nagging voice that she let inside her head, which may have insisted that these criticisms were all there was to her.

When we used to get together, there was fun in my cousin and she could be very funny.   I think she was very lonely and felt alone however.   I know that feeling, and when you do not perhaps have a partner to share that with, and you can't share yourself with your family (or you feel that way) it erodes at you if you let it.

I think while my step monster's sister died too early, that she did have a happy and fulfilled life.   I don't know that for sure of course, and everything in my family is about appearances....but she seemed too real to be masking a real unhappiness.   Lynn on the other hand, I think was maybe just about to blossom at 50.   Perhaps establish real connections in her life that might have been less than she wished for before.    Course I had not seen her for many years, so I will never know.   We had grown apart when I was having my own struggles coming to terms with what my family meant to me.

I was more on the outskirts at any of my step monster's functions even when I was "in" the family.  My cousin and I spent time together growing up, and seeing each other at the minimum at family holidays that my grandparents used to host.   My cousin lived on a lake, so my aunt and uncle would also have events that they would host as well.   When we grew up, I pretty much counted on her to hide with me in the corner from the rest of my family LOL.   I didn't really realize at the time that we may be doing this, but we would both grab a glass of wine and head for a quiet part of the room and converse most of the time there.

Anyway, two beings have left the earth at too early an age.   I grieve them.  I remember the good times, and the great things about each of them.  My step monster's sister will live on in her children.   My cousin will live on her her nieces and nephews, who she adored and who adored her:)

I wanted to capture my feelings about my cousin and my step aunt here.   Later I will post some more complicated feelings and situations this brings about.  I hope I have honored them both in some way.   One way is to be sure that I take care of myself, and spend time with those that I love and who love me.   To try and break out of my inner shell on occaision and have as authentic relationships as I can have with those people.   I miss that they are not in the world anymore have the lives that I imagined for them.   I wish them peace and happiness where they are now.

I wonder if this is such a hard task for most everyone in the world, or is it just me and my family.

LMAO Seems Appropriate

Miss Your Family On The Holidays? Glimpse My Past 2001 Christmas Eve and Christmas with Mine

Many years ago, starting in 1992, I used to keep a written journal.   Apparently, I detailed most of the upsetting things in my life.    I guess I have continued that trend in this blog, and it's upsetting because life is so short to allow people to make you this upset.   This is when Christmas had moved from Grandma's to The Monster and Sperm Donor's house (my old childhood horror "home").

I didn't remember these as all that bad, until I read this entry in my journal.   Half of the things I don't remember.   Actually, I am pretty sure I just blocked them out to be able to withstand the next year.  When I think back, I remember arrivals, small talk, eating, present opening, very little talk with the donor or monster (as possible), and being sure to help do the dishes at the end or set up at the beginning if I was early. 

And here is the delightful experienced I got to enjoy with my "family"on one of three or four occasions that we would bother to get together or correspond yearly:

Last year [Sperm Donor-not his title in journal entry] and [Step Monster] did not have much of the family over.   It was basically me, Robert, Andy [Step NB], Louise [Step SIL], my grandmother, and [Step Monster's Father].  We thought that year had been a little quiet and actually WERE looking forward to seeing the rest of my family.


Maybe I was too much looking forward to enjoying every one's company.   The food was great as usual, but...

[An aside, I am ashamed at how meanly I talk about my family here.   I picture myself though sitting politely through this, and here is why keeping things in is sometimes the biggest mistake you can make.   If you can't let people know they are hurting you, and come to some sort of agreement about your relationship, perhaps they are not worth keeping a relationship with, especially when you have the most superficial of relationships in the first place]  Things in bold are my additional additions or my attempt to "spare feelings" for any relatives that may be checking in on my blog, though God knows why.

The relatives [talking about "my side" here] were out of control.   It really brought me way down how nasty, rude, and obnoxious everyone was.   Well not everyone, but more than a few of these people.

Let's start with [Anonymous 1] the bitter [insert career path here].   You can just tell that [Anonymous 1] is a gem just like my [Anonymous 2].  So [Anonymous 3] starts questioning [Anonymous 1] about every aspect of his job & each [whatever it is this person does] .  [Anonymous 1] hates when [Anonymous 3] does this, and kind of whispers that to me.   Then [Anonymous 1] very rudely turns the tables on [Anonymous 3], and is a real asshole to [Anonymous 3], which [Anonymous 3] does not seem to pick up on.   Robert thought it was funny, but I thought it was really horrible and embarrassing.

Meanwhile [Anonymous 4] is getting even more boozed up than normal.   Mind you, [Anonymous 4] shouldn't feel on such a familiar basis with Rob or me to do the rude & obnoxious things [Anonymous 4] did over the next two days, which really ruined Christmas for me.

So first as [Anonymous 4] is getting really buzzed, [Anonymous 4] starts talking endlessly about how [Anonymous 4] is the "Italian Jew" [NOTE: SO GLAD THAT ROBERT'S PARENTS HAD NOT BEEN ASKED TO ANY FAMILY OCCASIONS LIKE THIS AS YET, EVEN AFTER 10 YEARS OF US BEING MARRIED]  Very nice and classy. Then as the evening progresses, she attacks Robert in his new coat ripping off the hood, then grabs Robert's ass and finally at the end of the evening screams at Robert for having a cookie.   [As I recently read more of this journal entry, I do not know why I did not rip Anonymous 4 a new one...actually I was trained well to be polite to my elders at all costs apparently]

[Anonymous 2] at the beginning of the evening gives Robert a used belt.   Why?   We don't know.   I can only assume he thought it was some kind of grand peace offering [This relates to another journal entry before this of a bizarre incident with Anonymous 2 toward Robert].

Then when Robert asks how [two of my second cousins] like their gifts, these cousins proclaim that they were "crappy".   [In a previous journal entry, I talk about being excited to give gifts to my family and spent sometime selecting.   I think this may have been the year that I stopped that practice]   Well they are [Anonymous 1's] kids aren't they?  [Another Second Cousin] didn't bother to say thank you, but [Another Second Cousin] was being shy that night.   I would prefer to think that is the reason why.

Anyway, Christmas Eve I could take.   Against my better judgement, I agreed to go to my grandma's the next morning [who I will warn you in advance was also not showing at her best.  Which is weird because I thought by this time, close to her death, she had stopped this type of behavior towards Robert.   What we choose to block out!]   for the annual torture & make the grandchildren feel like shit breakfast [sponsored by Anonymous 2 and Anonymous 4] (and apparently this is not the first Christmas breakfast where I felt like a second class citizen in "my family")

**Nick and Brett this year were by far the best behaved children [This is Step Monster's sister's kids, one of whom pulled a knife on his mother in later years]  THIS IS A TRADITION THAT I WILL NOT REPEAT AS I WANT TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS DAY FROM NOW ON.

12/25/2001 (continued on a different day this journal entry) Christmas morning-the horror continues...

So against good judgement of any kind of sane/rational thought process, we go to Grandma's (something I've managed to avoid for the last two years).  Robert & I are sitting at the dining room table.   We had asked to help, and been told to stay out of the way.   Breakfast was not near ready and no one was sitting down.   Grandma basically comes over and says not to sit in those chairs ever.

Then Robert goes over to pick up a glass (set with all the other glasses to be used for beverages) and [Anonymous 2] says [that Robert] can't have any because there won't be any for anyone else.  [WTF?]

Finally [Anonymous 5] sees the Dr Seuss tape for [Yet Another Second Cousin] & rags on the gift that we bought for [Anonymous 2's child]  (Not only did I do my best to select child aged appropriate gifts, but I don't have kids myself and hardly know these.  Plus this criticism comes from someone who gave baked goods, or sports puzzles as the one or two Christmas gifts ever, and got thank yous prior to this incident) & then I end up eating on the couch alone & across the room [from the rest of "my family"] to eat breakfast.

Hey Merry Christmas, family.   Pick on each other next year, we won't be there.

Ever heard of being a good host,manners, that sort of thing?

Was so blue afterward that I ended up spending the rest of Christmas crying.  

Lovely family day.   Can't wait to see them next year!

So if you are blue and missing the family you are estranged from, go see if you kept any documentation on what "family" get together were like in reality.   I know that I did not remember half of this.   This is not even the Sperm Donor's or Monster's actions, but people who are supposed to be happy to see me after a long time.   I realize I spend quite a bit of this journal entry logging in mistreatment of my husband, instead of me.   That is most likely me just being polite, and the disrespect shown to my husband only shows how they really felt about me.  Why would I ever EVER want to revisit that?

Those Little Things You Haven't Cleaned Yet

Two days ago, a Yahoo reminder popped up to remind me of Spermy's birthday.   It's been 5-6 years since we have talked (I believe since 2005) or e-mailed.  Last time Spermy made his oh so public comments on my blog were in May of 2007.   Really this estrangement should have started 18 or more years before 2005, but I had drunk the Koolaide laced with "keep your family ties no matter what".   I had already committed a sin of not talking to my mother since 1995, and so felt an obligation to have one donor in my life at least.   Such a mistake on my part!  But I was performing and paying back the burden that I was for being born, like an obedient accident.  Or as I think now, a DUMB ASS.

I have no need or want (an indifference really) to be reminded of his birthday.  Big whoopy ding dong day LOL.  It would be like tracking a stranger's birthday, but I have not taken the time to delete these things that no longer interest me off of my calendar.   This includes Eggy's birthday, and I haven't spoken to her since 1995 or 1997, although I have had blog or e-mail discussions with her very infrequently but the last one being November 2010, when Eggy was hinting the person ordering from her online sales (and then not paying) was me!   I am sure she wanted my attention (the reason for this posting), and then enormously regretted what she got (an explanation of libel and the financial implications to her of continuing this--plus the phone numbers to the FBI and police in her area should she wish to actually find the perpetrator).

So I am not seeing any need to be preparing to send out birthday cards, online birthday wishes, phone called birthday wishes or surprise birthday parties for these people.   Way back when I lacked self esteem and was DESPERATE for any support and love from my family, I kept up a family calendar of everyone's dates, addresses, and telephone numbers.  I have not cleaned these items up yet.

I think part of healing and part of getting over the hurt, grief, and anger is letting these things go.  Not allowing these things to infringe or pop up out of nowhere in your life anymore.   I need this head space for far more productive things (and pleasant things) these days.   The donors that have been burdened by me for 18 years while I was growing up, have already had their payments met by myself.   Those obligations are gone now, and I can breathe in easily and enjoy the peace of the day, instead of playing the games of the donors.

Blogs from the Outer Web

Dealing With Those "Special" Occaisions that Are Not Yours---this blogger is usually talking about girl/boy advice, but I think you can apply it to many other relationships.

Everyday Stigma--this is about the "stigma" of sexual preference (which as a society we should really grow up about)   however, I think this can be applied to any kind of stigma someone needs to carry with them every day or percieves that they need to carry with them everyday.

Feeling Like The Black Sheep

Sibling Concern

Great Posts From The Web

Revoking My Family Membership  I hope to be able to write this well and thoroughly on my experience one day.   Very powerful, and some "aha" moments.

Reconciliation After Estrangement 

When Estrangement is Necessary  An interesting piece and view of going through estrangement.  

How Do I Explain A Family Rift to Children?  Also a nice bonus regarding the author's own experience with her child and the rift of divorce.

How to Deal With the Estrangement of An Adult Daughter?

Shout Out To This Blog About Boundaries

I found some new resources of blogs regarding nacissists, family estrangement, self esteem building e.t. that relate to my topic.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/stop-explaining-stop-justifying-stop-talking-boundaries-are-upheld-with-action/

This blog is targetted towards women dating, but brings to light issues that can fit into all lives at any age  with the tweaking of a few words.   I totally agree with this blog about boundaries.   There is no discussion needed, one's boundaries are one's boundaries and they will be respected...no discussion needed.

Though we all have tried to justify our boundaries to others.   I love the way this author puts it into perspective as this wasted energy is "pointless".  The author is so right on about that, and I figured this out about 6-5 years ago.  My boundaries began to have a period at the end of them with no other words needed thereafter.

Arguments to my boundaries from Spermy:

"I respect you and your feeling more than you know. But, I have my needs and feelings too. I want to talk with you about what has happen to us, not just about Bettyann, but going all the way back to the beginning. Yes it will be painful, yes it will hurt, but at least it will be real. What we are doing now is not real, what you propose is not real. I'm willing to compromise,"  BULLSHIT alert.  What compromise was put forth?   And why do I need to make a compromise?  I have compromised decades of my life by this point.  Spermy can not even concede that I am done talking about Bettyann or "The Monster".   I have already talked, I have already heard all the excuses, I was done.   This is the one boundary that I put down, and Spermy needed to have compromised on LOL.

Put your boundary down and end the discussion.   They will either abide by it, or not.  I also am not going to spend my time AGAIN arguing with my father on what my feelings were during my childhood for Christ Sake!!!  What a further absurb waste of my time and life it would be to engage in "Spermy's compromise" (ie do everything HIS way).

One additional and interesting note about this though, in my recent correspondence with Spermy's sister and my uncle by marriage, it was clear that my aunt has been given the impression that Spermy and I don't speak BECAUSE OF THE MONSTER.   Now while the monster is an abhorrently selfish and evil woman, as far as I a concerned, I actually hold Spermy SOLELY responsible for his past and continued actions.  I hold HIM responsible as it should be.  He can marry and be with a souless monster if he wants to, she has and never had anything to do with our lack of relationship HE DID.  I do find it interesting that Spermy has tried to deflect blame to others in these different ways.

I am not saying that the monster should be praised for her evil and selfish behavior, but it has nothing to do with Spermy (except for those times when he supported or encouraged this abuse of me).  Again, Spermy's actions are his actions, Eggy's actions are her actions, and the Monster's actions are her actions.   No one is responsible for what the other does or did.   They can just worry about their own actions.

A "Note" From Spermy Over 26 Years Ago

I probably saved this piece of correspondence from Spermy, because:

1. It is probably one of the only written things that I ever got from him (except birthday cards where he would sign his name).
2. It was an apology 26 years ago, and I was probably pretty sure I would never see one again.
3. And I might have actually been naive enough to be touched by the "written sentiment".

Without further ado, this is the note I chose to "cherish" way back when:

On the front is a Boyton cartoon monster with horns, and it says "I'm Sorry" above the monster.   When you open it up it says "I know I've been beastly".

Hand written message says "Dear Robin, Sorry about our phone conversation the other night.   You should know by now (after 18 years) that the best way to get what you want from Dad is to talk it out reasonably.   I hate hearing things like that over the phone.  It is also very hard to hear that you want to live in Lowell instead of home.   It is hard for a father to see his daughter grow up and move away.   I guess when you become a father you'll understand.   Hope to see you soon.   Love, Dad."

Oh, man if only I had the insight to really read this apology at the time.  First of all, realize I lived in Lowell, as that is the college that I was sent to, and I could NOT DRIVE.   So the only way we could speak was either by phone, or dad could have gotten off his ass (before the monster he never came up to see me, and then when the monster came along, he saw me with her----which was like the rest of our relationship, it had to go through her---had she not been an evil selfish woman---which she is---that might have worked out just fine for me) and driven out to see his daughter at college on occasion (rather than to call and bitch her out whenever he did call).

Note the "You should know by now", so the event that he is sorry for is right off the bat my fault (but it warrants the only one of two apologies I have received---the other one saying that I was as bad as my Eggy).  You know all my life as a kid, I was told that I needed to grow up, support myself, and move out ASAP.   That they would Spermy would spend all his money, not save for me, and all my support plus his old age (and subsequent funeral costs) would be my obligation.  

Who knew fulfilling my parents' very request would bring such hostility?   I really don't know what was said, but if the incident with the custom worked heavy wooden chair being smashed beside me when I asked a question when I was home (in a reasonable manner as I assume I talked before this apology was given) DID NOT WARRANT an apology, I can only imagine what Spermy might have said to me.  In any case, it just recedes into to long list of verbal and emotional baggage I got to receive and sift through from him, when things began to become clear to me.

Now my growing up warrants verbal and emotional abuse from my father (all things I can control by the way being born, growing up).   Before being clothed and fed warranted abuse.   Then talk about a Freudian slip "when I am a father I will understand?"  Have I mentioned that Spermy hates woman and girls?   Ah, but he likes other men, especially selfish narcissists like himself, like my dear stepbro (a topic for another post).  Yeah, er Spermy, I never did get to be a "father" first of all because I would need to have a penis and sperm to do that.  Secondly, interesting that you never understood that your "child" would not necessarily have children LOLOL.

Dear Spermy, I am sorry I hurt your feelings by talking about this stuff, BUT YOU ARE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE AND OTHER CHILDREN OF SUCH ASSHOLES SHOULD KNOW THAT OTHERS EXPERIENCE THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR FROM THEIR SPERM OR EGG DONORS.  "Love ya just like you love me", Your Sperm/Egg combo  (sarcasm from the But on, as I know that I just mirrored back what Spermy and Eggy do)

The above written apology by Spermy must have been right around those "good times we were having together" that he wanted me to talk more about.  My instincts were right on by the way, to stay the hell away from "home" hell.   I can not imagine what that would have been like.

Tethered in my Younger Days

In my junior high, high school, and college days, I was so out of touch with my feelings about what was happening around me and to me.   I did not recognize that my anger came from being manipulated, played with, used as a pawn by my donors.   I didn't consciously realize this was going on.   Why would I?

And yes, if you follow the links above, you will find that I had issues in my high school and college days.   Issues that I had acknowledged and apologized for long ago.  Issues that my Donors like to go back to and lovingly stroke and carress as their excuse for continued emotional and verbal abuse of me well into adulthood.   If I had not said no to both of them once (and effectively ended my usefullness to either of them), then this behavior towards me would still continue.   If you read my familial rules below, you will find out that is not allowed (saying no):)  Well yes, the behavior towards me does still continue, but they have effectively been hacked out of my life, so it's just not as effective as it once was (plus I don't feel compelled to fetch them whatever they need on a whim).  (for instance S Donor could not ask to take my collectibles for free so he could gift them to Brett with Monster's name on the card as he used to feel free to do).   Yup, his daughter the handy Hallmark not store but give away, because you were born.

I was "trained" not to realize what was going on.  

"Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time. The difference here is you have built a whole different reality about your life and you have left out all of the good that ever happened to you, and there was good before Rob." well yeah, most likely there were moments in my life that were good, not sure they all included dear old Spermy, however.  See my reality is not real.   Much like when I told him I was happy about his divorce to Eggy, I was wrong about that too (eyes roll).

"What I find interesting about your blog is how you can pass off half-truths as fact."  What I find interesting about Spermy is that he starts off the conversation, but when I answer...he can not finish the conversation.   See that would me listening and then in his case...justifying what a shit he is .

"If this is the only way that we can communicate, I’ll give it a shot. I don’t usually read blogs."  yeah, he gave this about as much of a shot as he gave being an actual parent LOL.  Note the long suffering he will give it a shot, while he does not read such stupid drivel .   I should be happy that Spermy, like Eggy, is so obvious and transparent.   It makes my life and decisions so much easier.   And if you are going to have a parentard like this one, let's hope they are as transparent and not bright enough to just realize they put out their true feelings on the INTERNET.   I mean, I realize mine are out there, but I am not trying to reconcile with anyone.  I am not trying to pretend there is a different story to one group of people, and then call Spermy a piece of shit hoping no one sees that.  No alternate face that I am trying to present.  I wasn't a perfect daughter by the way, but I was pefectly alright as a daughter.   In fact, I think I went above and beyond what I was entitled and duty bound to do.

What was going on was only what my controlling parents confided or told me was going on.   The way I was supposed to think and behave came on their direct orders.   Veering from that course meant being beaten down (not physically but in other ways---see above) until compliance was once again achieved.  Everything that happened to my parents was someone else's fault, including mine.   I was the burden, and the burden was not supposed to speak out.   God forbid!!

From the link above and actually posted on my site by S Donor "Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations," (wow, sorry my error, didn't realize I could have fed and clothed myself when I popped out).   This is right up there with lines like "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you, so how dare you cut me out of your life."   I mean is it such a stretch for a parent to not sexually or physically abuse their child?   Do they give out some kind of award (that I am unaware of) for not sexually or physically abusing your child?   And in my S Donor's case, it is so much more convienent to allow the monster to do it for you anyway.  That way, your hands are never dirty...cause you didn't actually physically abuse your child.

The basic familial rules:

• I will never be able to get along without my "family", specifically my parents.   (I have to say if I take out three letters of this statement, I would be able to agree with this in my specific case).
• Parents can do no wrong, and children can do no right (unless you were following the parents directive, and even then if something went wrong that is the child's fault as well).
• Children need to forget parents wrong doings...not only forget but retell the tale and believe that lie.   Parents can hold anything and everything against a child, especially and including the fact that they were born AND that they needed to feed you and cloth you for the first 18 years of your life.
• Children can never make a mistake, and any mistake made will be unforgivable whether it had anything to do with the parents or not.   Parents can make as many mistakes as they would like, and the child better not even remember that it happened.
• Children will never show or express anger.  EVER NO MATTER WHAT.   Place that mask over the face, which was an accident anyway.   Accidents don't get to express feelings or anger.  Again, parents do get to express anger whether it's directed at the child, but really towards the other spouse.   This is because, again, the child should not be there in the first place.
• THE CHILD WILL NEVER EVER, NOT EVEN WHEN THEY REACH ADULT AGE, EVER SAY TO NO THEIR PARENT.
• Oh, and you will procreate and bring forth grandchildren, or that will be yet another thing that you have done wrong.  I did not experiment with that one to see how my children would be treated by their "loving grandparents".   Other than I expect they would have either been ignored or treated like pawns to deliver messages, similar to the way I was treated.  Or any of the other horror stories that other adult children have told of how their parents treat their children.
• The only people that a child is supposed to pay attention to or grieve for is the parent.   A parent has every right to intrude their needs over a period of grief or sickness for that child or that child's loved ones.

I was supposed to love my place.   I was pulled out when needed for something, and put away on the shelf to get dusty and be ignored until needed again.   Later on in my adulthood, my spouse was also supposed to fill in for the burden that they bore by having me.   He was supposed to be (and was) useful for moving furniture, fixing up their summer house, cleaning out dead relatives homes or apartments, or whatever else was needed work wise, especially since I had wised up to the point where I no longer asked how high when told to jump.  I am all to sure that sadly, other children both still growing and adult have experienced these "rules" and "expectations" that they were born into.

These rules are made to silence and repress.  I was supposed to grow up a healthy willing....slave.   Not a happy healthy adult, but someone willing to come to service on the whims of these people who "loved me".  Silenced and repressed I was until about age 29.   And then again still for the other parent until age 38.  Those are some long, confused, depressing, and angry years that my life waited for me until I grabbed it and dragged it back to me.   Oh yeah, at first I was terrified that my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents would no longer have anything to do with me.   Then I thought, er, these are people you see a few times a year.   (I am not saying that I don't like them or anything, but the reality to cleave on desperately to something that only hurts and diminishes you so you could see people on Christmas maybe?)  Some of them still cleave onto the same or similar familial rules that I hung onto.

What is really too bad was that in college, I knew what I needed to do.  If anyone is 18, in the same situation, and reading this....moving out on your own and finding your own way very well may prevent a lot of pain later on.   It may even repair the relationship (though I am under no illusions in my case that is what would have happened). 

You never do know though.  When I was about to be married at 25, I became very upset that my grandmother did not seem excited and happy for me.   (This will also be in my imprinting post)   I was influenced, unfortunately, by the things my S Donor and E Donor said about my grandmother around me, and had never delved into our relationship on a personal basis.   One might expect that I have a bit of trouble with this and relationships in general.   I am not a trusting person, but I try to be more open minded and occaisionally let someone in.  

Finally, I expressed my dissappointment to my grandmother.  I was angry by that time, and it was not a calm sensible discussion on my end.   My grandmother could have called back (after I hung up on her) and told me that I was totally out of line.   Instead when the phone rang, and I picked it up (I had probably thought about not picking it up) the first words that I heard were "I am sorry".   I realized then that I did not know my grandmother at all, and was instead reflecting back what others were imprinting on me about others.   If I had been closer to my grandmother at that point, I could have probably undone some of the damage that my S Donor and Monster made on my grandparents and my relationship.   They certaintly went on a smear campaign, and intentionally went after my relationships so that I would have no one (a very common strategy for these type of people).  

In growing up, loosing relatives and friends, (talking to some of them towards the end) I realized that not being truthful and honest about how you feel DOES NOT AND NEVER WILL HEAL A RELATIONSHIP.   Now it's one thing if someone consciously and knowing chooses to have a superficial relationship, and makes that decision knowing how or if it affects them and their life.   I think it's another to internally hold a grudge and anger until it's too late, and that person did not have a chance to prove you wrong.  I feel this is what happened with my aunt and my grandmother.   There was a lot of anger there, but "duty" kept it from ever being discussed or resolved.  Those familial rules, and I would like to believe that my aunt might have been surprised at the true spirit of my grandmother.   Then again, my grandmother might have been someone else towards her.

This is another thing that "family" or "relatives" have a hard time understanding.  The drinking eating man or woman with the smile on their face is never seen turning the corner and whispering into someone's ear unsavory details about the people they don't like. They missed the monster laughing at my grandmother because she spilled some cookie crumbs on the floor.   They miss the mean spirited smirk when they turn their back.  I don't think my S Donor has the capacity to love or like anyone.   The moment those people are not useful to him, they are out.   This is why his family situation right now is idyllic for him (talking immediate step monster, stepbro), because he is surrounded by others who are very very similar to him.   And thank goodness they found each other instead of unsuspecting other people....again.   They have already spread around their share of strife and unhappiness to those who accidentally stepped on their path.

The great thing is that for almost 6 years now, all tethers have been broken.   I have found myself, and my strength to make my own imperfect relationships and try for more in my life.   I have realized that I deserve more than what some people wanted to burden me with (my mistake in being born).  The consistency of my donors allows those tethers to remain severed, and for me to enjoy the rest of my life.  Still getting over this sure...but realizing the road is right and the paving gets better and better.

Well If Nothing Else Spermy is CONSISTENTLY a Dickhead

I love consistency.  I use it very much in dog training, as the communication is so much more clear.   "Loving" and oh "so sorry" Spermy went to the local flea market today.   Obviously, NOT realizing that we set up there every week or so.

I was at home waiting for some dog owners, when on the phone with hubby, he said that he saw Spermy poking about.   Now Robert has lost sixty pounds, and is at a weight that perhaps Spermy never saw him at before.   Course we have had the bright yellow Nissan with my company name on it for sometime, but I am guessing that I genetically have the lack of observation from Spermy.   Another proof that as mystifying as it is, we apparently are related and this was no mistake (no switched babies at the hospital sadly enough for me).

I had thought Spermy McHasPutOnThePoundsandisStillaMiserableSonofaBitch would probably be gone by the time I got there.  But of course husband made me look and see him by pointing.  Now it's one thing to treat me like shit on a stick (after all I ruined his life not only by being born, but talking about the unacknowledged truth of my childhood and adult life with Spermy),

My husband tells me Spermy McShitHead actually wandered into our booth.   Looked around at things (now I have always been into Snoopy, Barbie, and Tea), which really should have rung a bell in his brain, which has apparently not expanded as much as his girth (yeah, good luck stepbro with taking care of the old folks, as they are certainly not going to make it easy for you).  Then, according to Robert's report, their eyes meet.   Robert makes a smile.   Spermy squints and then grimaces at him.

Oh sorry, was it Robert badgering you while your mother was dying about whether his wife should sell their house or not?  Oh maybe it was Robert calling your spouse to turn her on you?  No that F wad was him.  If anyone should be grimaced at JackOFF, it should be him.  

I should really thank him though for consistently being the total piece of shit that he is.  

How Some of The Rest of My Family "Works"

My father's siblings seem to have a "similar" condition in their relationships as my father has.   One actually does seem to have a close relationship with two of their children (of the three).  The other does not seem to notice that their relationship is a bit strained with all three of their children.   With other people (like offspring) their relationships are very superficial.   Basically seeing these people a few times a year, but able to bring up the "family" card while not knowing these people at all.

When my step monster woke me up from a sound sleep with a slap (because Spermy said to go to sleep, he would do the dishes, but when she came home the dishes were not done), Eggy called one of the siblings thinking that they would give support.   What happened was I was called up, and told this was not that bad.   Oh,okay, let me drop by your house one night, walk into your bedroom while you are sleeping, and slap you across the face.   Or perhaps welcome you back into your childhood home by standing at the top of the stairs screaming "you are not letting that bitch into my home".   Then you can live everyday like that, without any money or escape, and see how comfortable your life is as you figure out how to get back out of it.

Spermy's siblings were supposed to be my "God Parents" by the way.   Yeah, I felt really safe and loved.   So here is a message that I send one of Spermy's siblings spouse (ie my aunt or uncle by marriage), who reached out not to me (and hasn't ever bothered to talk to me about this or reach out and find out if I am okay ever and this has been going on for six years) but on Spermy's "behalf" (not that he has shown any interest).

I never got any response from this message sent November 2010 (surprising as they were all interested in reaching out via third party) from this "relative".   Relationships in this family as about as deep as the width of an atom.  Why bother?  

• D,
  
  I had a nice talk with R yesterday. I thought it only fair that I drop you a line as well. Decisions that I make in my adult life have not been made easily and not without some pain. I know you are thinking of this from what you percieve Spermy's side may be or as you yourself would as a father. I further know that since you don't know me at all, you are not going to be able to understand what it's like to be me.
  However, I am a person with feelings, and it does hurt to get a message sent to me through another person that I am close to. R felt they had to talk to my cousin about this, but this is not my cousin's fault or problem.   My cousin spends time coming here, getting to know me, and we have a good time and discussions about personal and painful things that are private.
  I know that you and R identify yourself as my "family". As so, it would have been more appropriate for you to have picked up the phone and talked to me yourself. I would have probably told you it was a private matter, and that's okay. Had we more time together, or an interest in me as a person rather than the offspring of someone you are fond of, we could have possibly had a deeper conversation.
  The point is, that it hurts for me. No, I do not want a relationship with Spermy. For me a relationship or family is one that spends time and genuine interest in me. It is not someone I see five holidays out of the year, but whom thinks it;s okay to be abusive towards me any other day. I think Spermy can live without the two hours of conversation that we would have during the year. I did try at one time to have one on one time, but that was not what he was interested in. That's fine, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.
  When I mentioned I was in a "good place" to R, they said something like "we are happy for all the things that you have", which is kind of a weird thing to say. What I have is people who love and support me. Life is fleeting and short, and I intend to spend that time with people who love me and I love them.
  Tradition and "should does" do not mean much to me when they are not meant with true feeling and purpose. Please remember that I am a human being who has gone through some very painful stuff in her life. I don't appreciate these awful memories being sprung on me around the holidays, and if you wish to do that you should at least do it with me in person.
  
  I hope you understand. I hope that this does not make you feel bad, but it is something I had to say.

A Couple of Other Terms and Where I Am

Blame (for me)-I have a good life, so there is nothing to blame anyone for.   In any case, it has been my life based on my decisions, values, conscience and responsibility.  I neither blame my parents for my adult life, NOR give them credit for my adult life.  It's been earned, bought and paid for by me and no one else.

NOTE:   I have to say that I blame the male donor for infiltrating negative things to my grandparents about me.   It's like from an early age, perhaps he was envious that I had the relationship that he never accomplished with them.   Even with my aunts and uncles (not that these are great people by any means), he actively sought to distance them from me before I was even grown up or estrangement even reared it's head.

***Alright, now I am going to have to make a note to blog on imprinting on young and impressionable minds.   I remember having a lot of baggage about my grandmother, but then I think back to what my parents were saying about her to me.   I never showed it, but it was clear that grandma's place, according to my parents, was a horrible place to go.  Perhaps it was for them, but I realize now all those negative things began to slant how I perceived grandma and her place to be.    I feel robbed of what could have been a deeper relationship.   It wasn't until my wedding in 1991 when I got really upset with her, that we had a talk that truly changed our relationship for the better.   I wonder what would have happened if all that negativity about her hadn't been fed to me on such a constant basis and also the reverse----if the things my father said to her had not been used to influence her.   I am never going to know.   It feels like at least with my grandparents (my aunts and uncles seem about as capable of giving a shit as Spermy) something was diminished for me deliberately and with a plan of action.  I must admit, that I have trouble letting go of that, BUT it's been a newer thought of recent.   It came up (and this is the separate post that I needed to do) when discussing an event that inadvertently changed the way a friend feels about hugging or touching.   It just happened at that young age, and no one did anything wrong.   But in talking to her about how this phobia is probably traceable to that event, it brought up things in my life that were probably imprinted early on.

Blame (for the donors)-ER see the quote below that Spermy left on this blog:

"Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations, buy his daughter pets, paying for college tuition, until you flunked out for the third time, etc. Not the best dad I admit"  ***one might wonder where the Father of The Century Plaque and Trophy went, as I am quite sure that he never received it.

One, I guess he did not get the memo that children require care, and families require care which usually includes working.   Somehow I get the feeling that I am being blamed for his having to work, and then sucking up the money by being the "accidental" child.  BTW I have had multiple jobs without having a child.  Spermy was a teacher with the summers off, and this is when he did his "second job", which did NOT go on for most of his life. 

It would be like me complaining that he wasn't a doctor and I couldn't have the privileged life and stuff that I wanted.  So very glad he put that in writing.   He mentioned recently that he does not believe in face book to a relative.   Yeah, I wouldn't want shit like that out there about me either, especially if I was stupid enough to write it myself (while trying to convince my offspring to reconcile with me).   Or have the pretense of it anyway for appearance sake.

Some families, and I know this is crazy talk, enjoy going on family vacations together.  And he says this like we did this after I was aged five.   We did not.   I also didn't realize what really horrible company I must have been on a family vacation.   I only know that at age five, I was not asking them to rent a house for me on the Cape (eyes roll).

College, I flunked out twice, and paid for all of it.  I apologized (I am not sure why now) repeatedly for this offense that had nothing to do with him, as he did not full fill the divorce financial obligations, which is why I felt forced to go to college right away in the first place.   No one was interested on where I went, what I was doing and getting out of it.   I was just a pawn in divorce proceedings.   But once I did what I knew was right, which was to take a couple years off and work, it all fit into place, and I put myself through college again.   I graduated Magna Cum Laude by the way with a 3.5.

I am pretty sure that I am to blame for the state his marriage was in, for the miserableness of his life, and the reason why people may be questioning his "way" his own offspring.

My mother definitely blames me for our estrangement.   My taking out of context, lies, and the ability not to be able to read what she writes in black and white---all according to her my fault for the estrangement.   Not to mention that I was the one to make it a final thing.   How dare I?  Since it was infinitely discussed with me that I was "the accident" by her, I can only imagine how far that blame goes down the pike.  I have felt it my whole life, and not known what it was.   Weren't other families like this?

Sort of unrelated but I frequently tell my husband what movies my parents used to take me to when I was quite young.  They were not appropriate for someone of my age, especially the late night ones at the drive in theatres.   I thought it was cool for me back then.   But my husband asked "so they had no one to look after you, so your movie go outs were them just dragging you along to movies that they wanted to see?"   I mean it never even occurred to me that my parents, like parents I see now doing, weren't waiting for a Toy Story to bring me to OR bringing me along to see things that I was requesting.  I was just something to be brought along.   I know I am not explaining it right, it's not the movie part that bothers me.   It's the utter lack of interest that my donors had in their own offspring, and have continued to have....I am only useful to them as an extension of them somehow.


Envy (for me)-I do not envy my donors at all.   They are both possessed of things that are material.   I think they are more of a weight to them for the amount of admiration they seek from other people for their "stuff".  

Envy (from the relatives)I was once surprised that a relative said to me (about me moving to York Maine near the beach) "some of us are going to think *why you?*  Why does she get this and that?"  Such a nice thing to say NOT.  Then just last year, my Aunt said to me "we are all happy for the things that you have Robin".  I was surprised to find me, the black sheep, to be the target of envy.  Not nice envy either but begrudging envy.  

How dare I have made my way successfully to a good place without them?   I am supposed to fail, I am supposed to be human garbage, and for sure I am not allowed to live near the beach.  

Have I mentioned how materialistic and greedy my family is on that side?   They used to split up the grandparents stuff in front of them when they were alive.   Actually in front of all of us.   Nice, huh?   I only wish I had found my voice then so I could let them know how appalling they were acting.   We are talking about an old Italian couple who lived through the Depression and did not come out wealthy or anything remotely like that.

Some Terms and My Place in Them

Acceptance (for me)-I believe have a reached the place of acceptance in my relations with my donors.   They are who they are, and I don't need to search any further to figure out who they are.   I am unable to accept a relationship where I am abused, asked to scurry for them, and not have a viable two way relationship.   I would not be able to go beyond a superficial relationship with them anyway, as anything I share finds a way to be used against me.  I am good with letting go of the dream of having a healthy relationship with the people that made me.  It is a dream very long dead anyway.

Acceptance (via the donors)-No they have not accepted that I am an individual with unique views, opinions, and interests.   They have not acceptance that I won't live in repression and lies for their comfort.   As far as the donors are concerned, I have not reached a point where they can accept me IMHO.  

Validation (as it relates to me)-Once upon a time I longed to hear JUST that I was heard (that is after my longing for apology had passed).   It no longer maters to me (see acceptance ).  I have designed my plan of action and gone forward.

Validation (as it relates to my donors)-I am unable to excuse their actions.   I see the words written and said, and I can validate that.    However the actions are in direct conflict with the words.   I can't even believe that my donors feel any real pain of not seeing me, in fact I think it must be quite the reverse, because I will not speak lies and supplicants to them.  I have acknowledged that they fed, clothed, and provided me shelter.   I have also acknowledged that our rift has no connection to how I was brought up, other than there was never a bond there between me and the donors that I could cleave to.   In other words, I can not validate a reason for us remaining in a relationship together as things stand today and have stood for 23 and 14 years.

Apology-From the male donor, I have received the words that "I am sorry" followed immediately by the excuses.   Then followed even more immediately by his public blog post (on this blog) on his grudge that I did not graduate from the first college that I went to (which I had apologized to him a looonnnggg time ago about).  So the words mean nothing to me, it is still clear that male donor feels totally justified in encouraging his current wife to abuse me (physically, verbally, and emotionally).

In 2008 (11 years after the female donor and I estranged, and four years after her lie) the female donor typed the words sorry for lying about how I felt about my grandfather's and step brother's death.   This even coincidentally came after talking to someone she calls SIL that said I felt she was mentally ill, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive (controlling, narcissistic, and the list goes on).  Course she says now that she really felt that way, but NOW realizes it was a mistake.   And then, right after the sorry came "haven't you ever been wrong?"  I mean yeah I have, but not of stories I have made up to simply hurt a person.   I realize my donors are hurt by the truth, but that is not my problem.   It has been my actual experience of observations of something written in black and white.

So, no, I don't wait around for apologies.   I have given plenty of heartfelt apologies in my life that I did not need to make excuses for NOR need to nullify in the next sentence or discussion (or write "shit happens" as an excuse for harming someone).  I in turn, feel nothing to apologize for now.   I spent much time, years, effort, trying to save these (non) relationships.   My time is better spent in other avenues these days.   These things used to cripple me as a person, and now I am free to be me.

The reason that the male donor wants apologies accepted is simply for the sake of appearance for him and his monster.   It makes him look bad.  My female donor, it is not hard to tell, [did not give any apologies really anyway] wants to live in the illusion of her victim hood and martyrdom.  She certainly wants one so that she can rise again to the realm of the "fictional bestest mother", but she certainly does not want a real relationship with her offspring.   She never did, and that is never going to change.  She wants someone to worship at the alter of her, and if you can't do just that, the hell with you.   I am so over jumping through those hoops, and not being allowed to say "no" ever, and that goes for both of my donors.  Never mind that they can not reciprocate with love, understanding, or anything like that.   Those are the times where it is most all about them.

Forgiveness-Much of the way that I was, have been, and continue to be treated as an adult, I can not forgive.   I want to forgive, I try to forgive, but I do not feel it deep inside me.   I don't know the way there, but I hope I find it some day.   I don't like feeling angry and hurt even if it lessens every year.   My non forgiveness is a burden that has been with me for too long.   Sometimes grief does not officially end either though, and I wonder if that is what I am going through.  Or if there is a definition of forgiveness that I have met.  Like no longer needing an apology or validation from my donors.  Realizing they are what they are, and I had nor have any power to change them.   I think I am thinking of forgiveness as the ability to accept them and their actions.

Defintion of forgive from this site, http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/forgive:

"To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.


To renounce anger or resentment against.

To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example). "

The first one, not ones in my adulthood, I have not.   I have been unable to get rid of anger and resentment fully (it lessens).   However to absolve from payment (ie you are no longer expected nor required to be in my life), that I have achieved.


Grief-I think with acceptance came the larger part of getting over the grief of letting go of a dream.   But grief is always there, I think just less of it and less frequent feelings of it.   I feel it more now for other people just beginning on the journey to dealing with unloving parents.   It's a large burden for a child or adult to carry with them, and I think you always feel that somehow you never measured up, especially if others have or seem to have.

Hate-I am ashamed to say that it is possible that I may hate one or more of these parties.   I wish I could say that it is simply that I hate what they did.   I don't even know that I hate them as I write this, so I will now look up the definition of hate to see if it shines some light on this.To feel hostility or animosity toward.

The below is from this site, http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/hate:


"To detest.

To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes. "

Weird that they used dishes as an object for hate.   I really thought this was a more powerful emotion than this, so yeah, I guess I hate all parties according to the above definition of "dislike or distaste"

And the definition of detest?  http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/detest

"To dislike intensely; abhor."

Well there you go.   That definition fits how I feel about all three parties if that is how "hate" is defined.

***My female donor has written about her intense disliking of me (though she also "adores and loves me" (er not).   And it would certainly not be a revelation or shock to ME that she hated me.  I would submit to my audience that my male donor hates all women and some races of people that include both sexes.  He needs them in his life, but he hates them all the same as far as I can see.   He has a sociopath's love for women as objects that may provide some use to him.   I believe his marriage is based on mutual hate now (and in the past) because one tries to tear down the relations of another (though I don't blame them for the other's actions).   And the other needs someone to be with, but also is no stranger to saying demeaning things about them at family gatherings, and showing anger in the most ridiculous situations.   It is a perfect marriage for the both of them I figure, BUT not one based on true love.   They would need to really know and experience what it is FIRST.  They are incapable of that.

Pity-I do have that and empathy for my donors.   They are living a life that for me would be torture to live.   They can not be authentic in public, they are miserable on a daily basis (maybe not female donor, but her posts do not give me the impression of great joy even on her other blogs), and they feel out of control and angry when they can not control everything.   To keep the relations that they still have, I have to assume that they still need to hide themselves from some of these people.   Two of these people are in deplorable physical condition, and one I heard had to use a walker recently.   Obviously, their physical condition is not my fault and was not so great before we estranged, and is their responsibility.   But it does point out to the fact that emotionally they are not doing so hot.   I don't think this is because of me, and in fact I can only imagine that I improved things in the marriage of a couple of parties.  I think it is because of the way that they are, and how they must relate to others.   I would be quite miserable to if I could not be myself, could not be honest, and had to live behind a mask.  Been there, and done that.  It is no way to go through life.   Of course taking their mask off does not mean unmasking a kind or gentle spirit, and therein lies their problem.  No one would want to be around them without the pretense, free food, and liquor.

Other Things That Narcs or Socios Do

One way we can a,ll help out others is to highlight our observations and experiences.   People who have not yet realized they are going through this, have no idea that they are in the midst of this.   Confusion, hurt, and despair rain down them, as they wonder what they have done to deserve this treatment.   The sooner that someone may be able to come to the conclusion that it is in fact not them, the sooner the process of healing and decision making can begin.  

Do This and I Will Do That #NOT:  A narcissist can only see from the point of view of their need (or a sociopath if they are more likely to step into the world of the illegal or physical violent).   They can not see that their relatives do things with them or for them in order to spend time with them.  They get the correlation of how to get something from their victim alright.  

They see this as a way to get you to do something.  They assume this is the same for you, so they dangle a carrot.   They do not realize that this carrot is a promise to spend time with you or to do a project, nor do they care.   They see this purely as a means to get you to do something, even if you would have done it with the empty promise of a project to be done on your behalf (you are thinking more of afternoons spent spending time together).

Oh, and when the time comes, whatever it was (cookies you last made with your grandmother and socionarc; the bookcases that you would build together, the door to the outside that you would be taught how to frame), those will not ever be considered as being done with you or for you.   These were just a means to get to their end.

Do They Believe That They Are Roosevelts? (or the use of imagined future assets as another carrot)  Another great trick for control is the "I want to leave you in my will but....."   Course this only works if the victim is very concerned with being left in the will or cares at all.   It particularly does not work if your victim thinks socionarc is entitled to whatever money they can save to themselves, AND further more is quite sure that their assets will remain in the negative.

It would perhaps be a bit more affective if they had a narcissist as a child who saw great potential in their future assets.   Then you would have to hope for a greedy socionarc child for this to be at it's most effective.  

Otherwise, what socionarc is  telling their "beloved sperm or egg" is that you think so little of them, that you feel the need to bribe and control them.  Not fodder for a great bonding experience and relationship.

I Have A Great Opportunity for YOU!  (er no they don't)  "I am doing a run (hahaha, not in my stepmonster's case---a charity lift up where her servants carry her around) for charity, and I have an opportunity for you to donate for me and have great advertising"   Translation "You are my horrible step daughter who does nothing for me, I have found a way to use you and am too lazy to get anyone else to give to this to.   I must always find a way for you to do something for me, so I will pretend this has a benefit to you".

Or you have the opportunity to give your product away at your cost so that your donor or monster can gift this to someone, as they are "supporting your business" NOT in anyway using you as a low cost means of getting gifts.   After all, this produces SO MUCH publicity for you, and you would only be relying on family and friends to drive your business.

***Trying to stay out of the personal realm here, but failing in the latter examples.

What other "great" things have your Narcs or Socios done for or to you that announce "I am a Narc and/or Socio"!!!  "I care not at all for others, and may pretend to care for those who cater to my life being as comfortable as possible without regard for anyone else but me!"

Spousal Abuse

A couple of my favorite blogs talk about the abuse Narcissistic parents can heap upon their adult children's spouses.   I have found this to be true, and to go further, I have found that they will try to get to me through my spouse.   Suddenly, my husband is their besty when they need to get to me.   Luckily we have a solid relationship, and so they are not able to do the damage that they seek.

Mulderfan shares their thoughts in a couple of excellent blog posts that illustrates abuse heaped on her spouse:

Spousal Abuse
Guilt After Spousal Abuse

Upsi also shares how her own mother put Upsi's husband between them!

Destination:  Gaslight Junction (or as I like to think of it, rewriting history to make one the hero of the story)

I think what really pissed me off when either of my donors disrespected, went after, or used my husband was the following "didn't they get enough jollies out of the mistreatment of me"?   I mean really, you see us a couple of times of year, I am being the dutiful daughter and sucking it up, but you need to also do these things to him?  That was unacceptable to me.   It also tells you how lacking in self esteem that I was, that it needed to come to that for me to say "A FUCKING NOUGH ALREADY".

They both tried to use my husband readily enough when the estrangement began, and this is after my female donor had nothing but criticisms to say to me behind his back.   And my male donor felt it appropriate for him and his monster of a wife to call my husband at work, while his mother was dying, for the sole purpose of complaining about me (and in the monster's case to be sure he did not want to list our house through her).

Really, it had to come to that for me to really really see them.   Astonishing, as I am not a stupid person nor normally so willing to have people treat me shabbily.  Just thinking about it, pisses me off all over again.  

I saw a posting on a board that unfortunately describes what I feel for my donors "I despise them, I really do."

Been There Done That EFOO Communication During The Holidays

I should first of all say, this comes from the point of view of someone who honestly felt they needed to cease a relationship(s) for their own well being.   So that would make me the "estranger".   Although I sometimes wonder with the actions taken by my EFOO if I am not really the estrangee, as I sometimes feel I was forced into taking the only option.   There was never any real attempt to mend fences with me or acknowledge boundaries, quite the opposite as a matter of fact.   In any case, I am the estranger of this story.   I am certain that holiday communications might effect other individuals differently, and possibly more likely affect the estrangee differently.

Mostly in the current day, the main contact that I might have is to see one or the other on my sitemeter tracker.  The exception being this year at the beginning of the month, Eggy tried and succeeded in getting my attention with a series of blog posts.   It was well before the Thankful day, however, and so it did not impact my enjoyment of the holiday so much.

Very early on in the estrangement with Eggy, about the only time I would get contact was around those holidays.   It was not pleasant even if it was just a card.   It made no sense that there was silence all the rest of the days, but *BAM* on the holidays there it was.   Why not wish me well on a day that was not my birthday, or Xmas, or Halloween, or Thanksgiving?   I concede and thought that it wasn't meant to hurt at the time, but it did.   I preferred not to hear from her on the holidays or my birthday when we were estranged.  In fact, due to the fact that the last straw was her insatiable need for the correctly appropriate present to her status as "Glorified Eggy" it was a real sore spot to hear from her.

With Spermy, I had initially agreed to keep the lines of communication open.  In that spirit, I wrote an e-mail around Thanksgiving to keep him in the loop, an e-mail when we moved with our contact info, and a card at Christmas.   I had asked for limited contact as I had concentrated on "our relationship" and doing it as he wanted for 18 years, and now I needed to concentrate on unpacking and setting up my business here.   His excuses for the monster and both of their actions were not high on my list to spend time on.   One would think he would have understood, as I got this excuse from him all the time, and not in a pleasant and reasonable way.   However, he took umbrage, and did not return the greetings.  He never explained when HE wanted to keep the communication open, why HE didn't at least acknowledge receipt of the Thanksgiving e-mail.   Then he ripped up the card because the monster's name was not on it at Xmas (it's all about appearances folks, not reality in my family, even when it's apparently well known that I would not wish that troll a happy anything).   I am guessing that he did not want contact during the holidays .   I was relieved about that, as I no longer had to dutifully keep the lines of communication open in my mind.   He said it as usual just for show, that he was being a good Spermy.   Yeah, right.   His actions sent me the right message which his vocal cords and fingers were no longer equipped to do.

It does upset me when I see he's been on my page around the holidays.  Also, he knows where my other blogs are, so it's not to be sure that I am doing alright in life, as he claims.   He is just so filled up with BS.  Although recently a relative claimed he said nothing to them about the estrangement, I know that they were lying.  How?  Because his twisted and intentional mis-"understanding" of his reasons were reiterated to me on a 50th anniversary by a cousin in law who had never met me before!!   How odd that she would think it was his racial slurs (which are not the reason, and yet don't make him all that appealing to me) were the reason for our estrangement or his hatred of females.   So that is such bullshit that he is not trying to make excuses for why his only off springs does not want to engage with him, and why he flips out when he reads the real and known reasons on my blog.   Imagine if someone else saw  that, who he knows and those things were not mentioned by him!!

Not that he needs to worry, his siblings were all drilled to death that their parents were always right no matter what.  I often wondered what would have happened to me if physical or sexual abuse was going on, as I have little doubt that this would have been justified and looked over somehow.  So the fact that my donors emotionally and verbally assault me in adulthood and don't respect boundaries is of no concern to them.   What they might want to consider, however, is that THEY actually did have loving parents.   They are so appearance driven though, I am sure that they think that is only a word and not an action.

So, I got a little off the path there, no I do not like to hear from my EFOO during the holidays.  I think they no longer like to hear from me either, and that is fine.   It took so long to get here.    This is why when well meaning family asks "but what about later on, won't you regret...."   I have been through deaths of loved ones.  I don't want my time wasted on people who are fake and unloving towards me.   I want to be there for the ones that are.   When my donors die, I am sure that I will grieve for what I did not have as a family unit.   The fact that they are dying or dead will not change what was or what would have ultimately been.   To relive that story again would not only be painful beyond belief to me, but personally damaging to me as well.   I did not take care of myself before because I couldn't.   I was too young, naive, and believing that a word was a representation of the act.   I also did not have the communication skills to stand up for and protect myself.   I do have those things now, and I won't waste them.

For me a great gift on the holidays is not hearing from them at all.   Spermy and I reside in the same place parts of the year, so seeing him does not even upset me.   It's just lovely not hearing from him, and his constant put downs included even in his fake apologies LOL.

Sorry which reminds me another thing that well meaning family members seem to ask if I don't mind tarnishing "his legacy".  Isn't a legacy something you earn and make on your own through hard work?   No, I am not responsible for "his legacy", he is.