"A wonderful & supportive father," ummmmm, that is some grade A BS.

 Obituaries, funerals, and eulogies can be complete and utter BS sometimes.  My name was put on the sperm donor's obituary, and the text quoted above ["a wonderful and supportive father'] was one of the last lines.  To who?  My stepbrothers are listed as if they are his biological children; they must have meant them.  For his only biological child and daughter (me), this is a lie.  Not a little lie, but a big fat lie.  "Supportive fathers"s do not do the things my Sperm Donor did. I know because I have seen actual supportive, loving fathers.  

Of course, people aren't going to put negatives out there in an obituary.  Couldn't they have just left my name out if they were going to end with that whopper?  I mean, if the sperm donor was a "wonderful and supportive father," then the Step Monster was the mother I never had but always wanted.  WTF!

You know why they did not leave my name out? The answer is appearances.  There are some other flowery fairy dust things in the obituary that are all about exaggerating the appearance rather than toning it down closer to reality.  Families, and especially my Step Monsters,  have to ratchet those adjectives and exaggerate any accomplishment so it sounds like he was just the best at everything and to everyone.   FFS

The claim that he was a "wonderful & supportive father" just ticked me off.   Hey, Sperm Donor, we both know the truth, don't we?  A flowery obituary with lies and half-truths does not change history.  Hey, Step Monster and Spawn, you know the truth, too.  

They also said in the obituary that there would be a private burial, knowing they had cremated the Sperm Donor.  I don't mind cremation, but why outright lie (I know it is for their precious appearances) in the obituary?  

BTW, I don't want my obituaries or eulogies to be anything like that.  I don't really want an obituary or an eulogy, especially if it is going to be akin to unicorns farting rainbows.  Maybe I should do that exercise as I am getting older.  My grandmother had everything ready to go when she died.  I believe most of the arrangements were in place and her wishes known.  At this Roman Catholic funeral, there was no eulogy.  Instead, each grandchild read a bible verse from a selection to read.  I am not big on the Bible, so I picked the least offensive verse, which had a lovely sentiment.  

Her obituary is closer to what I would want.   Also, my Uncle Dick's obituary was funny and captured his personality perfectly.  Family and love were the main themes in both of them.  While I wouldn't be in the know per se, it didn't seem like there was over-the-top exaggeration or lies.   

Everybody Dies

I have not written a poem for a long time:

EVERYBODY DIES

-dedicated to Anthony J Caputo 1946-2026 of Shrewsbury, MA, Bettyann Caputo of Shrewsbury, MA, and Coldwell Banker Realty, Andrew Reck of Wayland Ma and Oakhill Architects for your participation during very painful times.  You won.

"Everybody dies." 

Explaining his selfishness

Placating the other half

Ignoring pain

Was it cowardice

Lack of empathy

Was it so hard

To accept no

Walking away wasn't hard

After the gaslighting

It was recognized

I was done

The sun comes out today

I know what I wanted

Was impossible

"Everybody dies."

October 1946 to March 2026

Yesterday or the day before, SD died.  If you read the "Angry Eulogy" on this blog about my family estrangement, that might have been apparent. I  jotted that down in the hours I found out to try to release the emotion I was feeling, which was anger.  Then I posted it here, as this is the real end.

I am not sure who I was more pissed off at.  I have been really pissed off at the Stepmonster and her spawn, the son SD most likely always wanted.  Let me be clear, the estrangement was not their fault, but they have been horrible people to me in the past.  They certainly had no problem piling on in the Stepmonsters case at any weakness, and the Step Spawn's case to join in. 

Then hearing the spawn's excuse of not calling me, that "he did not have my contact info" just reminded me what sniveling cowards they are.  I definitely had renewed anger at them upon learning this.  They were right to be scared or ashamed to call me because it would probably not be pleasant.  I have pulled up my big girl pants when I did not particularly want to reach out on their behalf at least a few times before the estrangement.  Their continued cowardice makes me pissed off yet again that they can not be decent people.

I have wondered in the past whether SD tried to contact me if I would respond. The general answer is no.  If it had been the same old conditions and disrespect of my boundaries, I would definitely not have engaged. 

What if he needed help for some reason and there was no one else to look out for him?  I don't owe him anything, and interacting with him would be just like it used to be.  Any generosity on my part most likely would be abused.  I may have reached out as I questioned my sanity.  I really do not know.  

Oddly, I did find a text from the SD only by sending out a condolence.   It popped up, and I had not seen it.  I have my phone on do not disturb, and not too many people contact me through text.  In fact, only my husband does, and it is through fb messenger.  So I was not looking for texts, scouring through my texts, or paying any attention to them.  

The text message told me how he died 3 weeks later.  Pancreatic cancer had taken hold and he was warning me that it is genetic and to get screening early.  I thank him for that and will update my doctor accordingly.

Was I mad at him?  I have to tell you that most of my reflections on our relationship were not happy, and if I think about them too much, I feel much anger. This is why I dealt with those feelings previously and had not been dwelling on them for a while now.

 On my 16th (actually probably 17 or 18 as the separation between my parents had started), my SD brought my best friend and me out to a fancy dinner somewhere and had gotten Duran Duran tickets for both of us.  That is probably the best memory I can think of.  It was unexpected, and I did not think he paid attention to what music I liked.  That was a nice thing to feel in that period of time.

I don't really know what I would have done had I gotten that message when it was sent.  I may have texted back and wished him a speedy recovery if it were possible.  A "last conversation" would have most likely been unpleasant for both of us, so I probably would not have called, so he could be upset as he was fighting this or having his final days.  It's been 20 years since he has not been part of my life.  I don't see the point, but I don't know what I would have done if he had asked.

The arrangements and dealing with his death are with his chosen family.  The question of how I would feel when the time comes has now been answered.  I hope he was not afraid at the end, and I hope Gram greeted him, though I am agnostic.  Agnostic means to me that you don't know and don't pretend to know the answers of the universe. My grandmother was a staunch Roman Catholic.  All the same, I hope a part of our soul is a real thing and that you can be reunited with those you loved when you pass.  The thought of a black hole of nothing is disturbing, which a friend who passed believed.  I do not believe anything having to do with organized religion that IMHO people use as a way to control others and justify violence towards others.  So I don't picture pearly gates, a white-bearded God, Jesus, or the warmer option.  

When my grandmother passed, I drove to her old home to reflect under the boysenberry tree after her funeral.  On the way there, I distinctly smelled my grandmother's perfume.  When my cat Clyde died, I went home bawling, and I suddenly heard his loud purr, which used to wake me up in the morning. When my grandfather died, a music box played a bit, and I thought I felt someone lightly pull my ponytail.  At evertime someone or an animal close to me died, I have not had those experiences.  I don't believe they were my imagination or a way to cope, but who knows. I hope those show that we are all still around in one form or the other and able to connect later if that is desired.

RIP and safe journeys 

MY ANGRY EULOGY

In the over 20 years I have not spoken to [REDACTED] face-to-face or on the phone, I have not once regretted it. It was a long time coming. The relationship was a thousand cuts: being reminded I was the accident and the black sheep of the family.  

The [REDACTED] (except Joshua, who died far too young), very much including the evil cunt spermy married, were not the cause of the rift per se. [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] just got what they always wanted and sped it up. So "fuck you" or "thank you," I am not sure which. Sorry for your loss, though you miserable pieces of shit, even though you probably hated each other at the end.  

My Sperm Donor lived the life he wanted, miserable or not. I am glad that he and his brother, Uncle [REDACTED], may have reconciled at the end, alive and now in death. Not completely sure what caused their rift for a while, but they were [REDACTED], though I have more fondness for [REDACTED] than I do the miserable POS sperm donor. I am sure the sperm donor has felt the same. May he rest in peace, having lived as he deserved, wanted, and designed.

Let me extol Spermy's virtues:

1. Racist

2. Racist and responsible, as an educator, for children

3. Mysogonist, though apparently not MAGA

4. Almost always broke promises to me. I can't recall any promises that were kept.

5. Cared more about appearances than anything else

6. Only valued occupations of me or his step children that would make HIM or the STEPMONSTER look good, NOT WHAT MADE ANYONE HAPPY

7. Never failed to take advantage of me and never reciprocated

8. Emotionally abusive to me pre the estrangement

9. Repeatedly tried to put a rift between me and my grandmother and possibly my grandfather

10. Not telling me my grandfather had cancer while I was in college

11. Cared more for material things than people 

12. Looked at animals and pets as disposable 

13.  Homophobic

14.  How he agreed with the step monster not to include my grandmother at their hosted Christmas on the last year she was alive, and instead left her alone at the nursing home (I should have left when I found that put and driven directly to my grandmother, I regret this very much)

May SD rest in peace, having lived as he deserved and designed himself.

(Sorry, Grandma, I hope you greeted them both in Heaven) Had I agreed to a last conversation with Spermy, it would not have gone well for either of us. Spermy's death does not change what a flaming piece of shit he was in my experience.  I hope the others were affected more positively in "knowing" him.  Spermy had no depth under his mask IMHO.  Knowing and living with him showed a different person under the mask.  He was not physically abusive, but he really could have given 0 $hits about me anyway.  To spend much time with him would be to experience, at least in my case, how little you mattered unless what you did or were reflected on him positively.   Positive things included material things and $$$s.  Not kindness, caring, or his offspring making their own choices and dealing with their own issues in life.  

My husband asked if I felt alone after the SD passing.  Somehow, I felt more alone when he was still here.  I feel less alone somehow now.  Maybe untethered is the word I am looking for.  

This post is not meant to be kind on my part and take of that what you will.  IMHO, SD lived and died in cowardice and lack of real feelings (at least towards the "accident").  I do hope he had the life he wanted and that he was not afraid at the end.  Also, that it happened without pain and with his chosen family.

30 and 20 Year Memorial

 This year is the roughly 30th year that I have not talked to my "mother" and 20 years (more or less) that I have talked to my "father".  By "talked," I mean in person or over the phone.   I am not talking about any digital conversations that have cropped up on this blog or my "mother's" blog (snickers.typepad.com or estrangements.com).  It's been about 9 years since my last post on here or anywhere about estrangement.

People still find and read this blog, which surprised me. I just looked at my blog stats.  So many people out there are dealing with this issue in various and unique ways.  If this is you, I am sorry you are going through this.   I hope this blog and others like it have done someone some good.  This is not a club anyone wants to be in.   So I hope maybe some of my coping and brain dump helped some person.

I remain convinced that this (estrangement) was the healthiest thing I could do for myself 30 and 20 years ago.  It took many years, obviously, to come to terms and peace with estranging myself from my parents.   While it was the right thing fo me, that does not make it an easy thing.   I still deal with issues of trust, communication, and creating relationships outside of my marriage.   I probably always will to some extent.  The one accomplishment is that I am at peace with this and have been for many years now.

The other option, just allowing the continued emotional and psychological abuse,  was not tenable for me, and I have posted many times in this blog about this.   Previously, doing that caused more damage (to myself) than good.   I hope if you are in this situation, you have found your way no matter the direction that you went/go in.  

This life is hard.   Do what is good for you and your future.

To those of you still figuring out what is best for you, something true and funny....