Other Things That Narcs or Socios Do

One way we can a,ll help out others is to highlight our observations and experiences.   People who have not yet realized they are going through this, have no idea that they are in the midst of this.   Confusion, hurt, and despair rain down them, as they wonder what they have done to deserve this treatment.   The sooner that someone may be able to come to the conclusion that it is in fact not them, the sooner the process of healing and decision making can begin.  

Do This and I Will Do That #NOT:  A narcissist can only see from the point of view of their need (or a sociopath if they are more likely to step into the world of the illegal or physical violent).   They can not see that their relatives do things with them or for them in order to spend time with them.  They get the correlation of how to get something from their victim alright.  

They see this as a way to get you to do something.  They assume this is the same for you, so they dangle a carrot.   They do not realize that this carrot is a promise to spend time with you or to do a project, nor do they care.   They see this purely as a means to get you to do something, even if you would have done it with the empty promise of a project to be done on your behalf (you are thinking more of afternoons spent spending time together).

Oh, and when the time comes, whatever it was (cookies you last made with your grandmother and socionarc; the bookcases that you would build together, the door to the outside that you would be taught how to frame), those will not ever be considered as being done with you or for you.   These were just a means to get to their end.

Do They Believe That They Are Roosevelts? (or the use of imagined future assets as another carrot)  Another great trick for control is the "I want to leave you in my will but....."   Course this only works if the victim is very concerned with being left in the will or cares at all.   It particularly does not work if your victim thinks socionarc is entitled to whatever money they can save to themselves, AND further more is quite sure that their assets will remain in the negative.

It would perhaps be a bit more affective if they had a narcissist as a child who saw great potential in their future assets.   Then you would have to hope for a greedy socionarc child for this to be at it's most effective.  

Otherwise, what socionarc is  telling their "beloved sperm or egg" is that you think so little of them, that you feel the need to bribe and control them.  Not fodder for a great bonding experience and relationship.

I Have A Great Opportunity for YOU!  (er no they don't)  "I am doing a run (hahaha, not in my stepmonster's case---a charity lift up where her servants carry her around) for charity, and I have an opportunity for you to donate for me and have great advertising"   Translation "You are my horrible step daughter who does nothing for me, I have found a way to use you and am too lazy to get anyone else to give to this to.   I must always find a way for you to do something for me, so I will pretend this has a benefit to you".

Or you have the opportunity to give your product away at your cost so that your donor or monster can gift this to someone, as they are "supporting your business" NOT in anyway using you as a low cost means of getting gifts.   After all, this produces SO MUCH publicity for you, and you would only be relying on family and friends to drive your business.

***Trying to stay out of the personal realm here, but failing in the latter examples.

What other "great" things have your Narcs or Socios done for or to you that announce "I am a Narc and/or Socio"!!!  "I care not at all for others, and may pretend to care for those who cater to my life being as comfortable as possible without regard for anyone else but me!"

This Year of 2010 Ending Well

2010 brought us difficulties in the job world this year.  The merger and acquisition challenges combined with the new company entering into an unfamiliar business during a recession kind of challenges.  One might think that a sharp decline in income from corporate America would make this a bad year.

I'll tell you why (assuming this lasts until midnight) 2010 is a banner year.  So far (knock on wood, and hoping not to jinx myself) we have had no deaths of participating and loved family members, friends, or our personal canines this year.   A client did loose his dog, Petey, who I have known since puppy hood this year.   That was very sad, but (again knock on wood) our current dogs remain alive and healthy.   To me that is a good year.   We have gone seven years in a row of loosing human and canine family member friends.   At least five of whom were in five different years but in the same month of December.

You can imagine why I get a little blue in December and expect that some horrible thing is going to happen.   As a matter of fact, I should have accompanied my husband to the grocery store just to keep a watch out.   Traditionally, we stay in on New Year's Eve because there are a record number of drunk or tired drivers out that night.  

I did hear that the Monster got sick on Christmas Eve, and had to cancel the celebrations at her house.   My cousin picked it up instead (we did not get the notification personally).   I would like to share these comforting words that my father had to say about my mother in law dying and other difficulties he was unable to be a human being for:

"Join most of the human race. Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time."

Only I am not that cold hearted or selfish because an event is inferring with my self interest.  I wish I were.   I was tempted to inquire that nothing was seriously wrong with the monster.  It does figure into the realm of reason, knowing how she truly felt about preparing the Christmas Eve fest, that she simply did not want to do it and lied.   Course she is also morbidly obese with diabetes (supposedly or that was the excuse I was given for behavior), so she could be seriously ill.  I do figure that she is such a martyr, she would have to be very ill in order not to "suffer through it".

However, the thought above is more thought than the monster deserves, and does not change what kind of a human being she has been or how Spermy has aided and abetted her in her mission(s).  Or the fact that they take such horrible care of themselves.  I'm just thankful that I am not as miserable as they are OR trapped in that particular marriage.

Karma, she is a bitch.  That's two for two for Karma this year, as Eggy got someone stealing from her in cyber space as well and harassing her.  Karma did just fine by me in 2010.   My more materialistic donors would think I had a horrible year though:)  Hence, most likely, why they seem so miserable.

My Goals for Estrangement Remain the Same

I did a pretty decent job this year keeping EFOO out of my head.   Not perfect mind you, but the number of blog posts for the past three years tell a story.  This year there were three main events that distracted me a bit:

1. My birthday where I found myself on the beach set up near Spermy and Monster.
2. November posting from Eggy where she tried to get my attention, and when she couldn't listed me as a suspect for cyber stealing from her (she took that post down quickly, after e-mail contact from me).
3. December or November when I got a third party inquiry as to when *I* was going to stop the estrangement.   This was sent through a relative that I like a lot and has tried to have a relationship with me from one that has had zero relationship or discussion with me about it.  Hey since they talk to HIM, why not ask him why he doesn't wish to have a relationship with HIS daughter and never has?  Why when he has admitted doing things wrong *I* am supposed to make it alright and comfortable for him?

Anywhoo, those are the things that have distracted me this year.  I think I would have gotten away with having only eight posts this year without them .

So at this point every year, I try and make goals for myself that I intend to keep.   This would be related to other personal goals, but here are my goals in estrangement.

1. To continue to trust and believe that I did the right things for the right reasons OR (to put it another way) to stop having the need to review the evidence and torture myself with it.   I know what I know, and it is what it is.  I can't change them, it, me, the circumstances that brought me here.
2. Not visit my female donor's blog and hence eliminate the very likely possibility that she will try and lure me in by pissing me off (very much related to number one).  Also ignore any other her postings of what she assumes my life is or was that are elsewhere
3. Work on my communication with those people that do love and care for me to the best of my ability.  Try to be more open and reach out more than I do.  I really try to cut out any third party contact and go to the source.   I also try to let people know that I care about them, but I have a hard time putting myself out there or allowing people to get too close.
4. Enjoy everyday that I can.
5. Be more disciplined and consistent with things that I need to do (IE stop procrastinating and getting down when I do) so that I can stop stressing myself out (oh female donor would latch onto this in the old days). 
6. Be thankful for what I have.
7. Let my creativity be something that I do on occasion.
8. Related to seven patience with learning new crafts, and patience with myself while I learn new things.
9. Find fun and active things to do as a family.

So there are my goals most related to healing from family estrangement or promoting the healing of estrangement from family.

My Birthday

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday. It was filled with family who came to us at the house over the weekend and into the week. This would be a great tradition to start every year, as an excuse to get our family up and have fun. My brother in law, niece, and nephew came down. All my nephews and nieces are great. I have five in all. One is all grown with kids of his own, one is close to starting college, one is in his tweens , and two are around nine years old. They are very kind and wonderful young adults and children.

I have a hard time communicating with them and bonding sometimes due to my own upbringing. I am reserved, shy, and not so trusting of those that don't know me real well. It's not that I realistically think I could be hurt by people who are in my family, it's my previous experience with my biological family that holds me back. It took many years until I felt I could have some heart to hearts with my brothers and sister in laws. It was the same with my mother and father in laws. It took forever for me to really be able to open up somewhat, and experience a relationship with them. It took me a very long while to realize we could all disagree with each others opinions, but still like each other. It just did not work like that with the E or S Donor, never mind the B monster.

Not that this is why we became estranged at all, but it sure is the reason that I am not bonded to the people that share my DNA. Thus why I don't feel that there is an overwhelming duty on my part to participate in a relationship that has never been there in the first place. My brother and sister in laws had a very different relationship with their mother and the person that they considered their father. They do also share in the fact that there did exist a man with their DNA, and no relationship existed between them. Mostly because DNA man stepped out and away from his children. He was not a man that deserved his children, however it was not his children who ended the relationship. His children are now wonderful parents (except us of course) to great children. It is a wonder that they came from the same DNA, as this man seemed to have zero parental instincts whatsoever. Although I did hear that he had another family, and I believe the children in the house were also his.

It is unfortunate that my brothers and sister in law had to deal with this in their youth and adult lives. Explaining my estrangement to them is a little easier for it. If their biological father had not existed, they probably would not relate to my experiences at all. The understanding of it is still hard for everybody. My parents in law were great examples of what parenting should and could be. Some find it hard to understand that every parent and child relationship may not follow the same model of love, affection, and support of one another. Unfortunately, the example of such did exist in their own experiences as well.

The whole point of this, is that I have a story to tell about estrangement on my birthday. It was a great birthday, and I almost hate writing about this the day after to sully any part of the memory a wonderful day. It may help someone to realize that they are not going through these experiences alone.

My brother in law, niece, and nephew dropped their car at our house so that my husband could shuttle us off to the beach. Bogey boards, a football, towels, and a beach chair travelled along with us. My niece was very excited to catch the waves for a second day in a row, and excited that I was coming along. My niece is an exuberant energetic pixy of a girl. You can not be shy with her, she doesn't know shy or reserved. You are going to get hugs and kisses, and you will like them LOL. Do not resist. It makes me feel bad that I am shy and reserved with my other nieces and nephews, and that is something I will have to work on. My niece has inspired me.

Anyway, we get to the beach, and pick a spot near the stairs. I do scan to see if the donor or monster is around, and I do not see them. Not that I care really, I just like to know whether or not they are there, so I don't bump into them unexpectedly. I would also not like to set up my chair right next to them, if you know what I mean. As we are walking along the ocean, my phone rings. My husband lets me know that he saw the donor walking up the stairs from there. So most likely, they are set up somewhere near us. No biggy, now I know and am not going to be surprised.

My niece and I start walking back after bogey boarding, and I realize "the man" in the straw hat is in actuality my step monster. The s donor has come back to join them. They are fifty feet away from us, as luck would have it. I am amused to see the monster turn her chair so her back faces towards me, once she realizes that I am there. We just went on with our day. The only difference it made in my day was having to explain to my brother in law why 1) we don't acknowledge each other (and it was more of a vague explanation than the hundreds of reasons why) and 2) why the donor does not try and wish me a happy birthday. You know besides the fact it is the memory of a mistake he made (yeah that would be me) when some seminal fluid leaked up the wrong leg. Plus the fact that I have apparently always reminded him and the monster of the e donor or the fact that there was an e donor in the past.

My birthday is perhaps not nor ever was a day of happiness for my donors, and that is okay. I did not end up being the replicant that the e donor wanted. I did not end up continually paying for the s donor's mistake and knowing my place in the world, as the s donor would have liked. I have gone on, survived, and do what makes me feel happy. I see in their weight and on their faces exactly how happy and fulfilling their lives are. They have what they so richly deserve. It does not make me happy, but if does feel like some kind of justice in the great scheme of things.

In the end the feeling of being near them was the feeling of being near strangers that you somehow just know are not the type of people you wish to or want to know. We have all been strangers for ages anyway. It is just official these days:)

Sharing my Story from A Different Emotional Place

I got a nice note about "when I am ready to share". I realized that I have been hesitant to share, because I find myself in a strange place right now:) That of peace and acceptance, rather than anger and betrayal. Nope, it's not that I have forgiven (I don't think) or forgotten what has happened. It's more that I am concentrating forward without any effort these days. This has taken a long time to get there.

I have been reluctant to go back, but I think now I can explain why I am estranged without "emotionally" going back. Let's see anyway LOL.

So, I have never considered myself to have a great relationship with either of my parents. I had a horrible relationship with one step mo-nster, and a decent relationship with one step father.My parents were very into themselves while I was growing up OR controlling me. I didn't get the normal affection that I see that my peers did or that other children that I meet do today. So there is no real "relationship" that could be cleaved onto in the first place. There was much yelling and arguing in my house, while my parents finally figured out that perhaps they shouldn't be married. I knew this at age 7, I think. You did not need to be a rocket scientist.

I am not blaming any part of my life on this. In fact, I have a very wonderful life. I found a strength in me that I don't see in a lot of people. I am not recommending this upbringing either, as a model for parenting!! I am just saying that I believe I came out okay. I was not physically or sexually abused. I was emotionally and verbally abused. With a strength of character that came with this, also did the lack of communication skills that I still struggle with to this day. So it did not ruin me by any means, but it has affected some things about me.

My father, I swear, I should have stopped talking to at age 18. It's not until today that I see how I damaged myself by my lack of self esteem in this relationship. How I totally let it take me over and damage my confidence for a long time. Everything was superficial, and my father tried to control me to be whatever it was he thought I should be. Or to marry who he thought he should marry, even though his personal and professional relationships have been anything but stellar. Even though he later had to admit that I was doing pretty good for myself.

The last straw with my father was when my mother-in-law was dying. I don't know how it was possible for my father and step monster to make this about them, but they did. I finally decided that I had no time for them as they were. If they couldn't respect the fact that we couldn't allow them to control us while a beloved family member lay dying (literally) then they had no part in my life or family. Sadly, this was only four years ago that I came to this conclusion. Life has truly been less stressful and more fulfilling since.

Twenty four years ago, when the step monster stormed into my room and slapped me, should have been when this estrangement begin. Why did she slap me? Because my father said he would do the dishes since I came home late from work, and he didn't do them. So she came in, saw they weren't done, and decided the appropriate response was to wake me up with a slap. THEN my father dropped me off at my boyfriend's parents house, and later on tried to defend her actions to me. "Oh that wasn't really her" "She has nightmares about it now" (okay I am going back emotionally now) Well, good!!! I hope she can't sleep for the rest of her life. She did learn that 18 year old girls can hit back, however.

Instead, I went an additional twenty years with these people thinking it was because they were the only parents I had. Well, you know what, so what? They only drained, took, and wanted "appearances" for fathers day, and mothers day, and Christmas. Bite me!

My mother is an 11 year old story now. Similar though, in that my husband was in the hospital have 6 inches of his colon removed. My mother is incredibly narcissistic in that the world just revolves around her. She always got presents from me, but during this time she wanted to be sure she got exactly the right presents for her birthday. We didn't estrange simply because of that though, we estranged because not only did she bring this up when I had something very important on my plate (namely my husband's health), but she just wouldn't drop it after this. It became too much, and I simply couldn't and wouldn't argue it anymore. We had agreements where we wouldn't talk about it, but she simply wouldn't let it die. She needed me to give in, and sorry I try to pick out the best presents I can, just say thank you. She even continued after we agreed perhaps exchanging presents should just stop to keep it off the table.

About four years ago, I checked in on her public postings to see if there was any hope. We corresponded back and forth, and it was still exactly the same thing. I was able to move on from that with a clean conscience.So there it is. My basic summarized story. I have a blog on the earlier and angrier years if anyone is interested, but I only write on there every once in awhile now.

Hmmmm, A Quandry

Well, I still think my family sucks. I just don't think about it that much anymore. I will probably be writing in my Middle Aged Princess blog more frequently, and this blog may now die a graceful death, eventually. I can't help but think something else will come to the forefront to be mentioned.

One thing that I did not mention is that my cousins came to town. My father and the monster had them over for Christmas, and there was no invite forthcoming. Not surprising, but pretty hypocritical as my loving father tore up a Christmas card when the monster's name was not on it. This was after she completely ignored that Robert's mom was dying, to instead focus on trying to convince us to let her sell OUR house.

Course she is still doing swimmingly in the real estate market selling four houses a year in this economy. Down from her all time high point of five houses a year. This comes up as someone informed me that she had a listing from yet another one of a dead relative. She may have actually sold the house this past month, but if she did the property does not appear on her sales as yet. This could catapult her again to an all time high:)

Pretty much that is it, and I haven't been all that bothered by it. Just shows that they are who they are, and nothing will ever change it. And I can't accept that treatment. So there you go!!

Thank you all for reading. You probably won't hear from me as frequently as you might have in the past. You can still follow me at the following blogs:

http://middleagedprincess.blogspot.com/

and

http://horrorheaven.blogspot.com/

Both of which ended up being ignored lately, but I am coming back to them. I just had some stuff to ponder over the winter months. Nothing big, just taking time to concentrate on business et.

Oh, Damn-Formally Titled How Do I Keep This Grin Off My Face!

Out on assignment walking a client's dog today, and in order to use the backroads to get there and back, I have no reasonable alternative other than to pass near the S Donor's house. You know they have a summer home exactly one street over.

Darned it, don't I see a for sale sign either at their house or their neighbor's house. They were there, so I couldn't very well investigate.

Can you say Hoo Fing Ray!!! OMG, this is the best birthday present (it passed but is in this month) ever if I am right!!!! I only hope for their sake, the Monster isn't trying this on her own LOL.

Oh Dammit to hell!! It's the fing neighbor to them's house that is up for sale:( I almost had the best birthday present ever:(

Well, Golleeee, they finally sold their house

Finally from 487 thou to 290 thou, and only taking two and a half years to do it!! Congrats monster, er should I say congrats to the real estate agent that FINALLY needed to handle this for you. Glad you took my advice, seems it took her a much more reasonable time frame.

Can you imagine if I had let this insect represent my property by cowtowing to her entitlement behavior, just cause she was "part of my Donor's life"!!! Wow at 2000.00 per month, just in mortgage payments that would have been 30*2000=60,000 spent. Now you get some of that in the sales price, but only the non-interest portion. Let's say that is about 1/3, so only 40,000 spent on interest while waiting. Not to mention the 3,000 in real estate taxes, maintenance to keep the property up, some utilities need to be paid in the meantime, water, and her Fing commission.

You know a really bad real estate agent is one that has been in the business for YEARS, and still only pumps out four-five properties a year. If you don't want your property sold anytime soon, and someone that is really really bad at their job, feel free to check my Monster's business site. She is available for crashing funerals as well:)

Just Too Beautiful A Day

Memorial Day was nice. In addition to remembering our armed forces (human and canine), deceased family members (human and canine); we also spent a bit of the day together, me and the husband.

Went to Kittery, and found him a pair of shoes at Clark Bostonian to wear to our trip to Boston shortly. He has killed all his comfortable walking shoes!! I remember when I would have to sneak his disgusting ones out, and to the trash bin in order to get him to buy new shoes. He already feels bad at paying a "normal" price for the shoes and is threatening to return them!! Whereas my philosphy is that I don't pay high price or full price, but if I find a normally priced pair of shoes that are well made, then I don't feel guilty getting them for me. They last years instead of months for instance. I have two pairs of walking Clark Bostonians that serve me very well.

We had happy hour at the Harbour Inn in York. It was Italian night, so that means free manicotti, sausages, cesar salad, and cheese cake!! This is where we regularly go now when Robert does not want to cook (unless it's Chinese food, and then it's Greenleaves) of course.

My S Donor was down, and we were almost in the same grocery store, but as we were driving out, he was driving in. Since he lives one street over from me, he pretty regularly sees me walking or training dogs in the neighborhood. My step brother, his wife, and kids were over there. No visit of course , and there lives would be hell anyway if they crossed the monster!! Didn't seem like any of the relatives from my side of the family were over there.

It always puzzled me, the monster and S Donor always have events here during holiday weekends. Easily the WORST time for family to come here. A two hour drive becomes a seven hour drive, and York seems to get busier and busier each year. I remember how I hated coming here because of that, three hours with these people, and then you are going to either have to rent a hotel room, stay in the crowded house, or drive for seven hours. I always chose driving for an alotted time LOL. If you did not want to come for any reason, the step would be on the phone berating you. Meanwhile, they also had lived in the town right next door to me, and closer to the other relatives and not a hot spot for tourists. I mean it was fun every now and again, but it was too small to hang out indoors during the buggy times, and so it was basically outdoors with the bugs on lawn furniture.

One of the last times I went, my dog Neptune was dying. I had told them I did not want to go. The problem was they needed someone to bring the Monster's father, but none of the actual family wanted to do it. So I was berated, and gave in (really bad decision on my part). I come, I am depressed and worried about my dog, and all I hear is my step (whose friggin father I just transported at 6 am in the morning so we wouldn't hit traffic) berating my father because I am outside being sad, and NOT helping her. This one time, I was like F it bitch, I am going to hang out like everyone else does, I didn't want to be here in the first place.

Oh well, had to find something to bitch about today, as I get the most hits when I do LOL.

The House is Up for Sale Again

Okay, so the monster has hired a new real estate agent (as opposed to using herself). Must admit, that's probably a pretty good idea. And they are now using someone who is supposed to be quite successful. Really makes me think this real estate agent must not like them too much, as check out the pictures that she chose to use.









And here are the pictures of my old childhood home in it's glory.
























Er, what tricky marketing plan are they using LOL. Did they loose the pictures of the house before or what? Now our house is down to 309,000 while it looks like it is now in the 140,000 category. I have added a new tag to check the progress called "Real Estate Mogul". An apt title for my competent monster who was insisting on being allowed to sell our house. Bwahhahahahahahhahahah!! I think not.

Um, Yeah, She's a Saint

I am always transfixed by parents and kids out and about for fun. You know, well behaved kids enjoying an outing with a parent or two, perhaps their siblings in tow as well. Maybe it's just a special outing for the child in question.

Parents telling their kids, in public mind you, how proud they are of them. Or kids telling their parents they love them spontaneously without any prompting or not after their parent just screamed at them in public. It's an alien world out there to me sometimes. I don't know how "real" those instantaneous glimpses that I see into the lives of others are. Who knows? Knowing my husband as I do though, I do know there are actual loving families out there. His is proof to me. I get jealous of this sometimes.

The other day, I was telling my husband how my E Donor took away a moment where my grandmother was proud of me (not for anything extrodinary, but she was boasting about me to my mom), and not only did my E Donor belittle this emotion from her, she saw fit to tell me this story on the way home from the event. Heaven friggin forbid someone should be proud of me or love me like that. My husband replied, that his mom let him know she was proud when he raked the lawn!!! He grew up knowing that he was loved in a million different ways, and I grew up sure that I was not in a million different ways.

Anyhow, watching these happy families mill around, I was remembering my S Donor's response to an online (actually on this forum or an e-mail that I attached way back when) that the Monster always encouraged him to spend time with me. Now, let me just say, my S Donor only wanted to spend time with me in the brief time he was single. And he didn't want to spend time with ME, he just wanted another female to boss around and control in the interim until he found his next "victim". I was finally out of the house and sort of on my own, and it was his intention not to let me enjoy this moment of the first freedom that I had in my life.

Let me just say, there is no doubt in my mind in that particular union, they are very deserving of each other. I was wondering though, when did evidence of this "wanting" of my S Donor and myself to spend time alone together surface in her attitude. It must have been the day I made the mistake of moving back in, and was greeted with her calling me bitch at the top of the stairs. Or perhaps it was the day where it was made known to me that the S Donor would not help me pick out a car, and that I should bond with the Monster only and have her take me out. (oh, yeah, she would have probably backed a car over me. Oops) Nope, maybe it was the day where I called to wish the S Donor a happy birthday, and she lied that he was at a meeting as to the reason I couldn't call him back later (they were going to my step brothers for a party)

Yeah, she was always trying to bring us together. Saint Big Ass (that's a play on her initials). I am so sorry to my audience that I am harsh on her, but I use this forum to get my anger out. However, I do not blame her for the distance between me and the S Donor that is all his. I blame her for the way she abused me for thinking I was "the other woman". Or for not believing that I should have a relationship with my S Donor, though I heartily agree these days.

Fun with PhotoDraw:)

So yesterday's photo was done with transparent clown face. Today, I did opposite with transparent "monster" face. I wanted to see which looked better.

Definately, though subtle, this was more in line with what I was going for. I started out by cutting and pasting features and putting on, but that looked kind of stupid. So I finally figured out putting one picture over the other, and then playing with the transparency and order (size and sahpe of overlaying photo) did more what I was trying to convey in my Wordless Wednesday posting.

Wordless Wendnesday

Monday Memories

I can't help but peer at the photos and try to see any semblance of happiness on my face after the third grade. Most of these photos were clearly taken by outside parties during Christmas. Others were taken by my husband for me. None were taken by my S Donor so he could "show off" his beloved daughter, trust me.

The one my husband took where I had to lighten it to show S Donor on the other side of the table, disinterested, is a photo of two strangers (I am smiling at my husband who is taking the photo, and that is what I look like when I REALLY smile). It is the real relationship, and not the "put on" during holiday festivities.

I fail to see one real smile on the S Donor's face, one look of love towards me, or kindness for that matter. It was always about him, and whether I was reflecting his whim of the moment rather than any interest in my whatsoever after the third grade. The significance of that is the third grade is when I began having my own thoughts and opinions.

The photo in front of Mountview School, this was a day I was feeling pretty and was celebrating with my best friend. My E Donor took me inside and said how disgusted she was for my grandmother saying she was proud of me. I mean, I didn't think it was any great accomplishment either, but apparently it was inconceivable that I should revel in any love or affection on that day (or any other as time went on). Gosh, I wonder how I got that feeling of worthlessness that I have fought against by being arrogant my whole life, and making myself do things no matter what? In that way, it was a blessing. Especially because later on, I knew the kind of people (kind also being an adjective that describes people that I enjoy) that I would surround myself with and live with.

Regarding the graduation photo (I am holding up my diploma and the monster and s donor are behind me), I am looking off to the side away from the group. I am pretty sure that I am thinking, why are these people behind me in the photo? They had NOTHING to do with this. I have another of me and my husband right before the ceremony. That is who should have been beside me, as he was the one there supporting and encouraging me NOT my family. Sadly, that does include my grandparents as well. They were alright with the monster hitting me and being verbally abusive towards me. They loved me, but in this they were very very wrong, and at that very moment, I was probably not feeling very kindly towards them. I think I thought of my family as interrupting an otherwise lovely day. The thing is that I probably invited them, because that's what "one is supposed to do".

Here are the sum total of all the photos that I could find of me and my father:

Thursday Thirteen (13) Things That Can Cause Family Estrangement

Here are thirteen things that can cause a rift (or the disagreement as to these topics can cause a rift---usually there are other deeper underlying issues that have come to play):

1. Sexual orientation (ie homosexual or heterosexual).




2. Race of friends or spouse, if you family is racist.




3. Money, as in one owes the other money.




4. Inheritance squabbles.




5. One family member no longer wants to be controlled by another or "dance to their tune".




6. Differences or conflicts in religious beliefs.




7. The dramas that happen during a divorce.




8. One's spouse is not welcomed in or is not approved of.




9. Abandonment of a family member (usually a parent leaving the family).




10. Not recognizing children or parents as individual people, but belongings instead.




11. Unforgiven memories of physical, verbal, or sexual abuse.




12. Strong political opinions that differ.




13. Jealousies of status.

***The picture above represents the reason for my split from the monster and S Donor. They felt they had the right to sell MY house. They argued about this during the time my mother in law was dying. I am not putting up with it any more. For two years now since last October, as a matter of fact.

Wondering How the Step Punching Bag Worked for Me?

Fitness Tips for The Disturbed

Okay, so I have renewed my vow to conquer my fat, so I won't be whining about it next year. Exercise has been a bit of a challenge since, I once again allowed myself to get out of shape. So I need a little motivation, a little pep, that does not come in a candy wrapper or a wine bottle (calories you know).

So the next bext thing is? You ask wisely. Why rage and hatred!!! I like Tae Boe, and I now know of only one person that can bring about that physical force, and she once hit me (out of a sound sleep no less, very unsportsman like. Plus I heard that she now complains that I swung back. Damn right Bitch!!) Clearly, it would probably be the wrong thing to stalk her, and then jump out of the bushes and beat the crap out of her, and really not my style anyway. I don't sneak up on helpless people. Ahem.

There is a non violent way, however to get this same affect. I love Tae Boe, and I have a punching bag. When I was in corporate America, I used to picture my poor boss's face on it (he used to "redo" my work incorrectly, causing a panic job for me to correct and explain why Bob just booked negative depreciation. This caused much overtime, overnights, and sleeplessness during my salaried job) Now what I have done is loaded three pictures of my beloved step (they go from overweight to really quite obese, yea) then printed them up in grayscale. Next I will tape these to my Tae Boe bag to get through the first of these sessions, which I will be lucky to do 15 minutes on.

Liberating Momements Posted to Family Rifts Board

For me, another significantly liberating day, was the day my father posted on my blog "stop being a victim, shit happens." I got to post back, and I know he read it though he had nothing to respond "I have stopped being a victim the day I let you know my boundaries. I am no longer a victim, but I think you are."


I let him know previous to that a continued relationship with me meant 1) we work on our relationship before we talk or discuss the monster 2) I am never likely to have a relationship with the monster, so deal 3) my father and I will not have an "open" communication to be whatever he wants, unless that communication is earned. He had wanted the topics to suddenly open up to everything, and he has never had that place in my life. Few people do, and those people have earned my trust, love, and respect simply by being nice people that I wish to talk things out with. Just because he got my mother pregnant, does not mean he suddenly has the right to pry in my life, as he used to try to. Or in other words 4) your control of me is over not beginning.


He couldn't agree to any of it. That was one liberating moment, when I realized that someone not able to meet me on these simple facts, isn't worth considering as being part of my life. He had 18 years where I "complied" with his wishes, and he abused that.


The final liberating moment when I was able to say, "no, you don't understand, I stopped being the victim when I stopped catering to you." I am free now, you are not. (if you still feel the need to try and contact me) That was the last time he visited my blog, which is not geared for him anyway, but to discuss this with other people (and there are a frightening amount of people experiencing the worst of this) about this. This board and other people have been very eye opening in that what I experienced/am experiencing is not unusual, just not talked about very openly or at all.


That "programing" not to disagree, not to discuss, to be ashamed of not getting along with your parents (or kids, or siblings, or uncles, aunts et all) no matter their behavior, is so ingrained in us, especially if we came from a family of dysfunction. Anyone who sought to help us, was encouraged to be erased from our life.


Until a conversation with my husband, I didn't even think I had talked to him about all this early on. I don't know how early on, but he had said that he was aware of those things for awhile. In fact, now that I think of it, he was around when I moved in with my father and monster, so it would have been kind of hard for him to be unaware . That happened early on in our relationship, it's amazing he didn't run far away. It's amazing that my parents tried to discount him, while he was always encouraging me to work on (and then not when it became apparent it was not working) my relationship with him, and he tried to help (albeit perhaps a bit misguidedly). See his relationship with his parents is and has been so great, it's really hard for him to have imagined (back then) how awful my relationship was with my parents.
Anywho, just some more thoughts that came to me as a result of this thread. I think these liberating moments are times that freed us up from that place we WERE frozen in or announce a step in walking away from that frozen state. A lot of my procrastination, for instance, is (IMHO) a learned response from the stress in my family. I used to go into my closet with a flashlight (and my stuffed animals) to get away from my family. I find I still use this response of freezing up somewhere with something comforting to deal, and keep trying to change this behavior in myself, but backslide frequently.

Monster List of What I Do Forgive and What I Can't Forgive

Oh God, thinking of what I forgive....yipes, this one will be hard. You may see a "/" followed by a non-forgive only on some of these. I will try and dig deep in there:




What I Forgive or Is A Non-Issue/What I Can Not Forgive

• Marrying My S Donor (he picked her, and he has that choice)/Not Making Any Attempt to Really Accept me From the Beginning and Only Seeing Me As a Product of The First Marriage



• Not Being Perfect/Physically and Verbally Assulting Me, and Not Apologizing When Being Obviously In The Wrong Not Only about the Assault but About The Issue Leading to Her Unprovoked Assault and Even if The Dishes Had Been My responsibility That Night, There Was No Justifiable Reason For Her To Awake Me With A Slap (Period)



• Not Being Happy In Her Marriage/Blaming Me for the Failure That SHE Reports Her Marriage to Be



• Being Resentful of My Grandmother/Making No attempt to Be Respectful of My Grandmother as I Was of Her Father



• Not Liking Me As A Person (Not Trying is A Different Issue, But Not Everyone Likes Everyone Else)/Wanting Me To Do Favors For Me While Not Liking ME And As My Payment for Being Born in The First Place (which included the expectation that she would sell my house, and that was a given in her mind)

Trying to Jog the Noggin for Topics on Bloggin

Oh, writers block is coming again for this topic. I don't know whether to be happy, as it means I am getting over it, or sad that I haven't dug deep enough LOL. I don't think there is much else to dig.

They are who they are, and people that are not to be in a relationship with me, frankly. Something that I have had complete control over, by the way.

Probably the more healthy thing for me to do right now, is work on, or consider whether I need to work on things that I consider damaged during my upbringing. Social issues, communication, my not wanting to have telphone conversations with my poor lonely father in law (it's not him per say, I have a dislike of telephone conversations in general----with anyone-----including the husband). I think it's that I feel the pressure of coming up with a topic too much. Probably stemming from the endless conversations that my E Donor tried to have with me, that were all about her, and I would be trying to figure out the best way to get the F off the phone. Also probably due to a job that I loved, but was 90% telephone work in customer service. I haven't been able to stand the ringing of a phone since, even though I did love my job. I don't like talking dog training either on my time off. I have always been good about seperating work from off time.

I am not sure going round and round about how much I dislike these people is healthy anymore. I got a lot of that anger out, although a doll with the face of the monster would be good as an exercise tool for punching. Pretty much, although I have contempt for them, the red hot anger at their callousness is over. Well, at the moment anyway, you know how that goes. A siting, or news could trigger a response all over again.

I do still enjoy the"difficulty" that the real estate tycoon (ie the monster) is having selling HER OWN GODDAMN HOUSE. Though apparently she is going to sell more than her usual four homes this year. She actually had a couple of consecutive months of house sales. So she might get like six this year, after like 15 years of being a "cracker jack" real estate agent. How humiliating, and appropriate:) I do so enjoy that. Plus, as far as computer stuff, she had the wrong area code on her website for years for her direct line (598 instead of 508 LOL) and now her link to her website on realtor.com, she still has as .com instead of her .net. Excellent. Imagine how many other important details she misses in everyday life!!

The best Christmas present this year will be simply if her home is STILL NOT SOLD. I get all warm and tingly just thinking about it.

However, even she is an insignificant piece of my life. I mean, I never did expect much from her, most of my anger comes from giving her a chance for 18 years, where I could have been saying what I wanted to say to her, and not dealing with her bullshit. It was an unfortunate choice on my part, as life is too short for this shit, you know? Especially when the other relationship attached is not worthwhile. The only worthwhile thing that came out of it, was that my grandmother was not upset, and would never know (unless, you know, she can see from beyond) how it would eventually turn out.