Karma Has a Way of Following You to Your Grave

Karma will follow my mother to her grave. She will cuddle up with her lies and manipulations, and go to the afterlife deluding herself that she has been right.

I hope she doesn't go on this journey alone, but I fear that will be her fate. On the other hand, it's not like it hasn't been by her choice alone.

At some point she will either own it, or there just is darkness out there in the universe (in that there is no afterlife).

At any point, I am sorry that she will make that journey without me, on the other hand, I accept that I can't accept her manipulations and lies as "love". She knows what she has done, even if people can't see behind the curtain of victim hood that she pulls over herself, and wraps herself in it's warm fuzzy softness, ignoring that it's really porcupine quills sticking into her. The present of love that she gives so nicely wrapped, is filled with cow manure instead of a glowing softness.

If others want to accept that into their lives, I guess I can just be glad that this person who is somehow related to me will not go to her grave entirely alone-perhaps.

On May31st, I will bury the thought of my mother ever reaching out in a way that I recognize as lacking in manipulation, deceit, and outright lies. This site will be deleted, and I will quit searching for the woman that might have existed once, and accept that she never did.

FORMAL DOUBLE CEREMONY TO FOLLOW TO BURY A PAST AND PRESENT THAT I AM MOVING ON FROM. I HAVE FORGIVEN MY MOTHER BY ACCEPTING, FINALLY, THIS PART OF HER THAT WON'T BE CHANGED OR CAN'T BE CHANGED. I FORGIVE MYSELF, BECAUSE I COULDN'T CHANGE IT OR ACCEPT HER VERSION OF "LOVE". WITH THAT FORGIVENESS WILL COME THE MOVING ON, DELETING THIS SITE, AND NOT SEARCHING FOR "HER" ANYMORE. INSTEAD I WILL GRIEVE, YET AGAIN, FOR WHAT CAN NOT BE, AND COME TO ACCEPTANCE OF THAT DURING THIS TIME OF MOURNING.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SEARCHING FOR MY FATHER, I NOT ONLY KNOW WHO HE IS BUT HE DID HIS DAMAGE A LONG TIME AGO AND HE HAS TAKEN ON SOME OF THE RESPONSIBILITY, WHILE ALSO CALLING OUT THE FLUNKED OUT OF TWO COLLEGES CARD WHICH I HAD REPEATEDLY APOLOGIZED FOR (AND FINANCIALLY PAID FOR IN ADDITION TO THE COLLEGE THAT I GOT A RATHER STELLAR GRADE POINT AVERAGE FROM WHEN I GRADUATED). I DON'T BLAME HIM, HE IS WHO HE IS. HIS WIFE IS WHO SHE IS. AND HE AND MY MOTHER WERE A PRETTY WELL MATCHED PAIR EVEN IF IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. HIS NEW WIFE IS WELL MATCHED TO HIM AS WELL, AND I HOPE SHE AND HIS SIBLINGS OUT LIVE HIM SO HE WON'T BE ALONE AT THE END. I WON'T BE THERE, THIS PART OF MY LIFE IS COMING TO A LOOONNNNGGG AWAITED END.

JUST A BIT OF FORMALITY IS NEEDED. I HAVE ACTUALLY FOUND THAT EXERCISES FOR RELEASING ANGER AND GRIEF HAVE HELPED ME VERY MUCH GET OVER ALL THIS. NOW IT'S TIME FOR MY MOTHER'S ACTIONS TO STOP SURPRISING ME ALREADY, AND TO KNOW THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED WHO MY FATHER IS, AND THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT WORK. REALLY NEVER WORKED.

Question to My Mother

I would really love an answer to this. What is it that you get still spreading lies about me over the internet?

You later say that you don't want to post anymore because you are so inhibited by my "mental illness", and send me into a mania, yet you still post under essentially the same name?

And I seem to function quite fine, thanks. I have never been hospitalized or, er, suicidal and needed to use that to manipulate others. In fact, I don't need to try to manipulate friends, strangers, or family members at all. Sadly, it's all out there for people to see. I think you can sink a bit lower though, if you really tried.

Here let me make your day, so you can dance with glee again. These things may or may not be true, but should make you shudder with happiness to just think of the possibilities and perhaps spread them on your super secret forums:
1) We now live in a tent, as my husbands continued unemployment forced us into bankruptcy.
2) I am beaten by my husband and tied down in the basement. I only snuck up to access this computer and ask for help.
3) Not only am I estranged from my father, but I legally divorced him.
4) I was totally unsucessful owning and operating my own business.
5) In fact, I have NO friends. That's why I gotta stay with my husband.
6) I am a sad lonely woman who is now physically disabled.
7) I have not found the success of peace that I wanted in life.
8) Oh to my mother's audience, she is totally right. One day I just woke up and did not want a mother anymore. Wonder why that didn't happen with like a mother-in-law instead who wanted me to convert to judiasm, but when I said no, she gasp, said okay I understand. She did not make abusive e-mails, calls, or try to manipulate me.

That should do you for awhile. Now go......

Just One More Stab In The Back

Imaginny is at it again. She is no longer brave enough to post her lies and half truths on her blog, she has infected other forums instead where she thinks she is not seen, but she is.

I now had both my parents pay for my college!!! Hahahahahaha. First of all, my mother made it pretty clear that she felt it was my dad's domain. Second of all, he handled it by having me take out student loans. And third of all, I admitted my failings in college long ago, what possible reason could she have to bring it up...

Oh yes, now there is my mental illness combined with drinking. I have a lower form of bipolar disorder that I takes meds for it's simply depression for the love of God, but now it affects my relationships. I guess like my first and only marriage that has been happy and going on for 18 years now. It must also affect my ability to have a happy life to, as I do. I seem to also have a drinking problem according to her words. Let's think, why would someone be posting this about the daughter they "loved". Could it be to build themselves up?

Hmmmm. Not too transparent.

Oh, but we aren't over. She implies that a woman that she did not want to meet, by her own admission, influenced my estrangement with her.

Oh, but we aren't done. Then there was my unemployed husband, of 18 years now, who concerned her. Oh my husband who also lacked in self esteem, apparantly.

This is what she talks about 14 years later, about the daughter she was desperate to end her estrangement with, and she didn't know why we were estranged. I guess she answered her own question.

A Mistake/I Don't Need to Be There Anymore

I found this site by accident on Ning regarding estrangements. Ning is a pretty cool social network where you can do a lot of things. I was actually setting up a dog training site, couldn't figure that out so I set up another name and joined an estrangement site that I found by accident to test things on.

A very nice lady (I am assuming) asked me to share my story, and so I mistakenly did. I really should have done my homework first as I would have found that they were primarily mothers estranged from their kids. Not only that, most are within the first few years of estrangement. I had primarily felt guilty for not sharing, and soon found myself sucked into a void of mothers deflecting their feelings about their kids onto me!!!

I understand that. I just don't need to be THERE anymore, and I find I don't need anyone's sanctioning of decisions that I have thoughtfully and responsibly made in my life. There is nothing I will do to help these mothers there either, but it's also not my job to help them through this. I have a job and a life. A pretty good one actually, and I don't need to defend myself to complete strangers.

The more you get sucked in the more you end up defending yourself and sharing parts of your and your estranged stories that are no body's business unless you seek to share them of your own free will.

So take care of yourself, and take care where you find solace. I find healingfromfamilyrifts, the yahoo group so much more helpful, as there are people there not only from both sides, but having from first years experience to many years experience dealing with it. Some that have reconciled, and others that have not reconciled. Some who are accepting of their solution, and others not so accepting. I feel a better home is found there.

I recognized some of my mom's friends there as well. Yipes!!! (on the ning estrangement site) If I needed a string of quotes from the bible or Mark's book, perhaps this site would have been helpful to me. It's funny how the parents seem to go right for the surveying and quoting stages. Weird.

The post below is the one that I shared. What was I thinking?

May 31st 2008-last angry post, I think

I believe there may be an anniversary approaching. The anniversary of my last angry post involving an estranged realative. One year, baby. That is one year on May 31st 2009 (I think). I will need to verify that again at some point:)

I just may release this blog that day into cyber space!!

Sharing my Story from A Different Emotional Place

I got a nice note about "when I am ready to share". I realized that I have been hesitant to share, because I find myself in a strange place right now:) That of peace and acceptance, rather than anger and betrayal. Nope, it's not that I have forgiven (I don't think) or forgotten what has happened. It's more that I am concentrating forward without any effort these days. This has taken a long time to get there.

I have been reluctant to go back, but I think now I can explain why I am estranged without "emotionally" going back. Let's see anyway LOL.

So, I have never considered myself to have a great relationship with either of my parents. I had a horrible relationship with one step mo-nster, and a decent relationship with one step father.My parents were very into themselves while I was growing up OR controlling me. I didn't get the normal affection that I see that my peers did or that other children that I meet do today. So there is no real "relationship" that could be cleaved onto in the first place. There was much yelling and arguing in my house, while my parents finally figured out that perhaps they shouldn't be married. I knew this at age 7, I think. You did not need to be a rocket scientist.

I am not blaming any part of my life on this. In fact, I have a very wonderful life. I found a strength in me that I don't see in a lot of people. I am not recommending this upbringing either, as a model for parenting!! I am just saying that I believe I came out okay. I was not physically or sexually abused. I was emotionally and verbally abused. With a strength of character that came with this, also did the lack of communication skills that I still struggle with to this day. So it did not ruin me by any means, but it has affected some things about me.

My father, I swear, I should have stopped talking to at age 18. It's not until today that I see how I damaged myself by my lack of self esteem in this relationship. How I totally let it take me over and damage my confidence for a long time. Everything was superficial, and my father tried to control me to be whatever it was he thought I should be. Or to marry who he thought he should marry, even though his personal and professional relationships have been anything but stellar. Even though he later had to admit that I was doing pretty good for myself.

The last straw with my father was when my mother-in-law was dying. I don't know how it was possible for my father and step monster to make this about them, but they did. I finally decided that I had no time for them as they were. If they couldn't respect the fact that we couldn't allow them to control us while a beloved family member lay dying (literally) then they had no part in my life or family. Sadly, this was only four years ago that I came to this conclusion. Life has truly been less stressful and more fulfilling since.

Twenty four years ago, when the step monster stormed into my room and slapped me, should have been when this estrangement begin. Why did she slap me? Because my father said he would do the dishes since I came home late from work, and he didn't do them. So she came in, saw they weren't done, and decided the appropriate response was to wake me up with a slap. THEN my father dropped me off at my boyfriend's parents house, and later on tried to defend her actions to me. "Oh that wasn't really her" "She has nightmares about it now" (okay I am going back emotionally now) Well, good!!! I hope she can't sleep for the rest of her life. She did learn that 18 year old girls can hit back, however.

Instead, I went an additional twenty years with these people thinking it was because they were the only parents I had. Well, you know what, so what? They only drained, took, and wanted "appearances" for fathers day, and mothers day, and Christmas. Bite me!

My mother is an 11 year old story now. Similar though, in that my husband was in the hospital have 6 inches of his colon removed. My mother is incredibly narcissistic in that the world just revolves around her. She always got presents from me, but during this time she wanted to be sure she got exactly the right presents for her birthday. We didn't estrange simply because of that though, we estranged because not only did she bring this up when I had something very important on my plate (namely my husband's health), but she just wouldn't drop it after this. It became too much, and I simply couldn't and wouldn't argue it anymore. We had agreements where we wouldn't talk about it, but she simply wouldn't let it die. She needed me to give in, and sorry I try to pick out the best presents I can, just say thank you. She even continued after we agreed perhaps exchanging presents should just stop to keep it off the table.

About four years ago, I checked in on her public postings to see if there was any hope. We corresponded back and forth, and it was still exactly the same thing. I was able to move on from that with a clean conscience.So there it is. My basic summarized story. I have a blog on the earlier and angrier years if anyone is interested, but I only write on there every once in awhile now.