Other Things That Narcs or Socios Do

One way we can a,ll help out others is to highlight our observations and experiences.   People who have not yet realized they are going through this, have no idea that they are in the midst of this.   Confusion, hurt, and despair rain down them, as they wonder what they have done to deserve this treatment.   The sooner that someone may be able to come to the conclusion that it is in fact not them, the sooner the process of healing and decision making can begin.  

Do This and I Will Do That #NOT:  A narcissist can only see from the point of view of their need (or a sociopath if they are more likely to step into the world of the illegal or physical violent).   They can not see that their relatives do things with them or for them in order to spend time with them.  They get the correlation of how to get something from their victim alright.  

They see this as a way to get you to do something.  They assume this is the same for you, so they dangle a carrot.   They do not realize that this carrot is a promise to spend time with you or to do a project, nor do they care.   They see this purely as a means to get you to do something, even if you would have done it with the empty promise of a project to be done on your behalf (you are thinking more of afternoons spent spending time together).

Oh, and when the time comes, whatever it was (cookies you last made with your grandmother and socionarc; the bookcases that you would build together, the door to the outside that you would be taught how to frame), those will not ever be considered as being done with you or for you.   These were just a means to get to their end.

Do They Believe That They Are Roosevelts? (or the use of imagined future assets as another carrot)  Another great trick for control is the "I want to leave you in my will but....."   Course this only works if the victim is very concerned with being left in the will or cares at all.   It particularly does not work if your victim thinks socionarc is entitled to whatever money they can save to themselves, AND further more is quite sure that their assets will remain in the negative.

It would perhaps be a bit more affective if they had a narcissist as a child who saw great potential in their future assets.   Then you would have to hope for a greedy socionarc child for this to be at it's most effective.  

Otherwise, what socionarc is  telling their "beloved sperm or egg" is that you think so little of them, that you feel the need to bribe and control them.  Not fodder for a great bonding experience and relationship.

I Have A Great Opportunity for YOU!  (er no they don't)  "I am doing a run (hahaha, not in my stepmonster's case---a charity lift up where her servants carry her around) for charity, and I have an opportunity for you to donate for me and have great advertising"   Translation "You are my horrible step daughter who does nothing for me, I have found a way to use you and am too lazy to get anyone else to give to this to.   I must always find a way for you to do something for me, so I will pretend this has a benefit to you".

Or you have the opportunity to give your product away at your cost so that your donor or monster can gift this to someone, as they are "supporting your business" NOT in anyway using you as a low cost means of getting gifts.   After all, this produces SO MUCH publicity for you, and you would only be relying on family and friends to drive your business.

***Trying to stay out of the personal realm here, but failing in the latter examples.

What other "great" things have your Narcs or Socios done for or to you that announce "I am a Narc and/or Socio"!!!  "I care not at all for others, and may pretend to care for those who cater to my life being as comfortable as possible without regard for anyone else but me!"

Spousal Abuse

A couple of my favorite blogs talk about the abuse Narcissistic parents can heap upon their adult children's spouses.   I have found this to be true, and to go further, I have found that they will try to get to me through my spouse.   Suddenly, my husband is their besty when they need to get to me.   Luckily we have a solid relationship, and so they are not able to do the damage that they seek.

Mulderfan shares their thoughts in a couple of excellent blog posts that illustrates abuse heaped on her spouse:

Spousal Abuse
Guilt After Spousal Abuse

Upsi also shares how her own mother put Upsi's husband between them!

Destination:  Gaslight Junction (or as I like to think of it, rewriting history to make one the hero of the story)

I think what really pissed me off when either of my donors disrespected, went after, or used my husband was the following "didn't they get enough jollies out of the mistreatment of me"?   I mean really, you see us a couple of times of year, I am being the dutiful daughter and sucking it up, but you need to also do these things to him?  That was unacceptable to me.   It also tells you how lacking in self esteem that I was, that it needed to come to that for me to say "A FUCKING NOUGH ALREADY".

They both tried to use my husband readily enough when the estrangement began, and this is after my female donor had nothing but criticisms to say to me behind his back.   And my male donor felt it appropriate for him and his monster of a wife to call my husband at work, while his mother was dying, for the sole purpose of complaining about me (and in the monster's case to be sure he did not want to list our house through her).

Really, it had to come to that for me to really really see them.   Astonishing, as I am not a stupid person nor normally so willing to have people treat me shabbily.  Just thinking about it, pisses me off all over again.  

I saw a posting on a board that unfortunately describes what I feel for my donors "I despise them, I really do."

Stumbled Upon Interesting Posts

How To Deal With Estrangement (if it was not your decision to estrange)

The Critical Parent-How much is too much?  Wish I had found this article 25 years ago...

TheQueenandKing Blog-A new blog that I have round, that I will need to add to my resource list (along with others)

Wanted to Point out A Couple Excellent Posts

Before these get lost, there are two excellent posts.  The first is not a happy story, but so important for those of you who are being silent to realize the damage being caused to YOURSELF.   You don't  have to suffer the kind of abuse that this man did to do this damage to yourself, and the damage does not need to come in the guise of your death.   By not being truthful and releasing our feelings, lessor but important damage can be done to ourselves.  This is an extreme (and terribly sad), but an important example of what silence can do to YOU.

Bill Zeller's Letter
On Bill Zeller's Family Situation

Even if your biological family won't listen or recognize what is going on, find someone to talk to.   There is someone out there that will support you.   There are groups of people that you can find who have gone through the same thing.   Ask for help and understanding.   Your life is meaningful, and you deserve and need to find your own worth.  It's possible if Bill Zeller had found this acceptance for himself, that he might not have been pushed to such a drastic measure.  One of his friends talked about a disconnect from how he perceived himself to the way his friends perceived him.  I suspect the support was closer than he realized. 

Same author and another great post regarding how to spot a true apology.  You know, the ones that don't say "why should I apologize when you won't talk to me" or the ones that don't include phrases like "bite me" or "shit happens"...   Ones who do not put conditions on you or put you to work to right their wrong doing.  Never seen one of those from certain people that were in your life?   I am not surprised, I have only seen real apologies from people that I know really love me as well instead of the bastardized and narcissistic version of "their love".

Apologies

Seven Lucky or Unlucky? Hard to Say...

So, for the first time in seven years, we had a year without the death of a beloved family member or friend.   That is a success for sure.

2011 is going well (and still the streak of no dying continues--course it's January).  I did continue 1 week of doing my music, I have to get back to it.   Three dogs are being prepared for competition, and while it is not an acceptable excuse, it is all I got.  In fact, I am going back to practice today.   In just seven days, the performance got better, but I really want to make something happen for Sweetie's (my husband) Valentine's day.  I know he really misses my playing from the old days.   I am also trying to create a Valentine's card in addition.

I see that Spermy visited recently.  Didn't leave a comment, and most likely didn't like what he had to read, oh well.  I am sure he still disagrees with my version of my life and feelings .  He and his wife, in his mind, have been lovely, wonderful, fun, and loving people in their relationship to me.  That is okay, good for him.  Have a nice life, and bah bye.  Why does he still come here?   Does he expect to be regaled with stories about all that "wonderfulness" that was his parenting style?  HAH!  I saw that he read my "Nitty and Gritty" page.  

Yeah, yeah, I did not graduate from U Lowell in my music major, so of course, it was only natural for my father to be emotionally abusive (threaten physical abuse, and support the monster in her actual physical abuse) to his daughter.   Not to mention that I apologized, picked up the bill (when I could have left the loans to him as they were cosigned). Poor Spermy that this is all that his accident did wrong, you know besides become estranged.   And besides having moved in with her now husband to be sure this was the right "forever" relationship.   And besides not wanting the monster to sell my house.    And besides not wanting monster to sell my own house while my mother in law was dying.  But you know:

"Join most of the human race. Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time."

Which interprets to, "Geesh, I could care less that your mother-in-law is dying.  My evil monster of a wife finds it to be an insult that we can't sell YOUR home.  So just buck it up buttercup.   There will be no *oh, whatever you need in your hour of grief* here, only our selfish desires.  Cause afterall, you ARE the accident, and you did not graduate U Lowell, even as you foot the bill.  So our abuse of you is perfectly reasonable and within our right." 

Which I should really thank Spermy for, because I had under estimated what a selfish dickhead he really was (I mean I knew he was a dickhead, but the depths that he would go to for his own comfort were as yet unknown to me).   Er, yeah, so you see I am still improving LOL (if he is going to visit, he is going to be visited upon by my anger at his prickedness).   The "Nitty and Gritty" truth stings a bit, eh?   Course, I had good times beyond that, just ask Spermy.   I am not saying there may not have been a few, especially before I reached the third grade and started to develop my own take on the world, but I am saying that the bad (by far) out weighed the good.  Unless normal people feel that being treated like a pawn in your donor's ongoing drama for most of your life equals "good times".

I so wish that I had acted out more.   My husband had plenty of good times (parties while they were away which ended in some furniture loss) at his house, and although his parents found out, they loved him even still.   He did not graduate from college, and you know what?   His parents still loved him, and made sure he knew it (that does not mean he did not get properly disciplined, but it does mean that they actually took care of him in a loving way).   Perhaps that is not the norm...   However, observation of other people who do not view their children as "accidents" or an extension of their hated ex, tell me differently.  I could have at least gotten away with some real doosey's before I left to justify the donor's future treatment of me.

 I have kept my goal of not visiting Eggy's blog.  I have been able to let go better recently than I have in the past.  Although, even as I write this, just saying that gives me the itchy urge to type in the address, but I won't.  It's like when you know that eating something gives you a short term high, but long term you don't feel as emotionally or physically good.   Yet you do it anyway, just for that short term satisfaction of "knowing".   It's not worth it though, and I have enjoyed not knowing.  It doesn't mean that the morbid curiosity does not still exist, however.   I was improving in the past, but the improvements continue.   The reality that I have all the info that I need on these subjects.  Years and years of info and reality, I really don't need to know anymore.   Time to breathe deep and let it go.

Even beyond my thinking about the estrangement, I think that my communication improves on many levels in business and personal life.   I still find myself getting a little hot and sarcastic on occasion (NO NOT ME and not that this is any great fault) but am able to take a deep breath and reign it in (when it does not involve Spermy or Eggy invasions---and I unfotunately saw that Spermy also went to some of the blogs to the left as well).

We are all just imperfect players in the game of life, but we can always grow, enjoy, and reach out for all that life has to offer us.   I am thinking about someone going through a hard time right now, and you know what?  Someday it will be over, and so don't give up just keep pushing ahead!  Things that seem so important and upsetting one day, dwindle in their power over time, especially when they are really not all that important.  My donor's they just do not amount to anything important in my life.

Sharing a Personal Goal

Sorry for the freaky mask BTW, LOL...not sure I want to show my true face on this blog yet.

When I was in third grade, our elementary school had music lessons for individual students.   I am not sure if this was required for all, or if parents got to choose to pay for them themselves.   Fortunately, although I in no way wanted to play an instrument unless it was a violin (in May Street school, I admired another first grader who played the violin), I was forced into this.  I think the flute was the cheapest one you could rent, and so that was the instrument picked for me.   I detested it:)  

In third grade, I had a music teacher that would stay with me most years including college.   Her name is Iva Milch .   Easily a teacher that I felt shaped me as a person, even if I did not make my musical goals.   Iva pushed later on in High School.   She made no bones about it if I did not practice.   She knew, and I knew she knew.   Best thing to do was to practice.   It's the part of music that I never got used to, as I had no patience.   Patience, I have learned in dog training, helps everyone and thing achieve goals and harmony.   It turns out, patience is the thing that lacked most in my cooking.  I wanted to go from A to Z right away.  

The things she taught me then that I sometimes ignored, make me understand myself better today.  Music and the flute ended up being a real gift.  In High School, it allowed me to escape from my family and awkward social life. 

Since I did not make it to the Boston Symphony myself, I got frustrated and stopped playing.  Once you stop, it's hard to start again, as you are so far behind.  That patience thing comes back into play, as you need to build your skills back up.  

For a period of time in High School, I was quite good.   I really needed to be at a more stable place in order to be as disciplined as needed.  I also did not have perfect pitch or a good ear, so lots and lots of work would have been needed.   I can play it seems somewhat naturally, but I am no savant.

What you hear above is probably not even at my third grade level !  But who cares, it's my starting point and I am just glad I remembered a few notes.

So my resolution this year is to start doing just that.   In this video I have skipped ahead a little, never fear, I will need to be practicing my scales ET as well.   Just thought I would start to see where I could bring this simple little piece.  Was surprisingly difficult just to stay on beat!