It's interesting to note that a person like the donor would assume happiness only comes in the form of him OR my husband. You know, cause you need a man in your life to be happy, even if they are a selfish prick:)
God, I am glad I met Robert too. We are best friends and life mates. And gee, yeah there were good times before Robert. Mostly they included my friends and me. Not so much "fun" with the parental units. Might have been fun for them. Hey I enjoy a good punching bag around the house too, it's just not a person and certaintly not my child or my pets. I bet that's good times for some parents who have little else going for them.
You know if I didn't have Rob though, I would rather be alone then talk to either of my parents. For them to be my only contact with people, I would sooner end it right then. Seriously. If the country was populated with people of that ilk, I would immigrate elsewhere.
There just might be this bit of a price you need to pay........when your kid gets old enough to make their own decisions and one hasn't even attempted to be a positive influence in their lives.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Lies and Fables
You know the Donor and the Monster lied to us on quite a regular basis. And for no reason that I could see other than that they were cowards. See the Monster wanted it to look like we were welcome at their home and not know we weren't invited to my dad's birthday party. If it was just said, instead of the following story, I probably wouldn't have thought much about it, as you know, I didn't invite my dad anywhere on his birthday, I just called to wish him a happy one. It was the lying however, and not wanting me to wish him a Happy Birthday in person, so I wouldn't know...
Story 1:
I had been trying to get my dad all day to wish him a Happy Birthday. At school he was at meetings, and so I had left a message with his secretary. Later on that afternoon, I called the house and the Monster answered. So I chatted then said I was hoping to wish dad a Happy Birthday. "Oh, he's at meetings today". Oh, I say when will he be home? "Oh, he won't get back from them until very late tonight."
Fast forward to someone's unveiling, wake, funeral or whatever. I am talking to Andy, and don't even know how it came up, but he starts talking about the birthday dinner everyone went out to that evening. Wow, like first of all, I don't "invite" myself anywhere.
Story 2:
Story 1:
I had been trying to get my dad all day to wish him a Happy Birthday. At school he was at meetings, and so I had left a message with his secretary. Later on that afternoon, I called the house and the Monster answered. So I chatted then said I was hoping to wish dad a Happy Birthday. "Oh, he's at meetings today". Oh, I say when will he be home? "Oh, he won't get back from them until very late tonight."
Fast forward to someone's unveiling, wake, funeral or whatever. I am talking to Andy, and don't even know how it came up, but he starts talking about the birthday dinner everyone went out to that evening. Wow, like first of all, I don't "invite" myself anywhere.
Story 2:
There is the time we were going to spend the week at their Maine house with the dogs. Dad and BA said that a cleaning crew had just been there, and so the dogs couldn't come. We offered to pay for someone to clean after we were there, I heard dad bo "uh, BA they want to pay someone to clean after". See, I knew what she was doing, and so I just wanted to come out and say it, instead of pretending to be all nicey nice. "Oh, you and the dogs are all welcome", I wanted her to play her little games. When we got to the house, by the way, there were gardening tools under the furniture, and they weren't hidden, dirt on the floor, and the unmade made beds were not cleaned.
Great "housekeeper", like we didn't know that was a lie, and guess who got to clean up after her last guests. Which was no problem, again it's the lying thing.
Story 3:
Another example of a monster lie (do you get my pun there? step monster/monster lie, I kill myself); was when I was living with her and dad during a really bad decision making time in my life. Any way, I had hung up my favorite white angora sweater to dry.
I came back later in the day, and there was a blue BA monster sized hand print on it. I asked about it, and she and the donor said "oh gosh, it must have been the woolite you used". Oh, yeah? The clear woolite that was used on the whole sweater caused a blue, like the blue liquid detergent the monster just used, hand print shape (just about the shape of her hand) on my sweater.
Hmmmm, interesting.
The Effects of My Parental Relationships
Poor husband had to sit through the reading of some stuff today. "Wow, there is some real hate in that." He's right, I guess there is. I don't want to spend my time on this, but I have found bottling it up and repressing it worse. The writing thing seems to help. The fact that I had an audience just incensed me a bit more than usual (understatement I know).
We were talking on my first meeting his mother. I was very stand offish. I wondered, why are these people always stopping by and sticking their nose in my business? I didn't understand at first that they loved their son, as I never knew that sort of thing in my own parental relationships.
I knew blame, anger, criticism, threats, et al. That's what I would get from my parents, that's what I didn't want from his. Carefully, his mother and dad found a way to get to know this withdrawn suspicious girl. Both won my heart, and it was with great sadness that I lost Mrs Grace a year and a half ago to cancer. It was an incredibly hard time for the both of us.
To not be supported during that time is and was unforgivable. I don't even know why I gave anyone a chance to be forgiven, because quite frankly that was it. I just can't deal with people with that kind of lack of feeling for a complete stranger, never mind their own daughter and son in law.
The point is, this kind of treatment really damages people. It hurts them in ways that someone who is not being hurt like this will not understand.
We were talking on my first meeting his mother. I was very stand offish. I wondered, why are these people always stopping by and sticking their nose in my business? I didn't understand at first that they loved their son, as I never knew that sort of thing in my own parental relationships.
I knew blame, anger, criticism, threats, et al. That's what I would get from my parents, that's what I didn't want from his. Carefully, his mother and dad found a way to get to know this withdrawn suspicious girl. Both won my heart, and it was with great sadness that I lost Mrs Grace a year and a half ago to cancer. It was an incredibly hard time for the both of us.
To not be supported during that time is and was unforgivable. I don't even know why I gave anyone a chance to be forgiven, because quite frankly that was it. I just can't deal with people with that kind of lack of feeling for a complete stranger, never mind their own daughter and son in law.
The point is, this kind of treatment really damages people. It hurts them in ways that someone who is not being hurt like this will not understand.
Shit Happens as An Apology
The Donor says "shit happens" as yet another excuse for his behavior. Oops, shit happens, my mother in law died. I guess people in the line filing by the donor when his mom died should have said "SHIT HAPPENS, PEOPLE DIE." When the donor called us in the dead of night, and my tired husband went with me to the hospital, he should have snuggled back in bed and said "hon, shit happens. your grandmother is going to die. it happens to people every day" I didn't realize how insignificant it all was, until the donor brought it up to me. Of course he did not need to be there or show any support by not mandating a business transaction that he had not business (or his wife) even being involved in, because "shit happens" so bend to our ways.
Well "shit does happen" like karma comes in and bites you in the ass. Finally you get what you deserve. With all this "shit happening" does the donor honestly think he deserves a realtionship with me?
Gee, how come it doesn't work the other way. Shit happens, the daughter flunked out from college once? How come that is the mantra of the sincerely apologetic donor? What was that a four sentence insincere apology six months later? How dare I not take that seriously? All that time, and that is the apology I get?
Oh, yeah, sure come on back into my life. Let's talk for hours on all the excuses that the donorcan make for the BA monster, which was his stipulation. We couldn't talk about us, oh no, had to talk about the BA monster. Had to make excuses for her. Neither of them have an acceptable excuse. I do hate them, and no I don't think I will ever understand (what they want me to understand) or forgive.
What I do understand is that they are both hateful, selfish individuals who have no idea on earth what love actually is, or what family actually is. That I will not ever be sucked in their toxic hateful web again. That I should not be required to ignore their behavior like an idiot, while they nitpick and complain that we don't jump as high as they would like us to. While they pull out the you flunked college crappola. Shit happens old man, shit happens. Like your daughter hates you and will have nothing to do with you.
That kind of shit is happening to the donor not me. Tag, the donor is the victim. Not me.
I just feel so stupid for those 18 years I put up with it, when I could have been having some real fun times. What a moron I was!!
Well "shit does happen" like karma comes in and bites you in the ass. Finally you get what you deserve. With all this "shit happening" does the donor honestly think he deserves a realtionship with me?
Gee, how come it doesn't work the other way. Shit happens, the daughter flunked out from college once? How come that is the mantra of the sincerely apologetic donor? What was that a four sentence insincere apology six months later? How dare I not take that seriously? All that time, and that is the apology I get?
Oh, yeah, sure come on back into my life. Let's talk for hours on all the excuses that the donorcan make for the BA monster, which was his stipulation. We couldn't talk about us, oh no, had to talk about the BA monster. Had to make excuses for her. Neither of them have an acceptable excuse. I do hate them, and no I don't think I will ever understand (what they want me to understand) or forgive.
What I do understand is that they are both hateful, selfish individuals who have no idea on earth what love actually is, or what family actually is. That I will not ever be sucked in their toxic hateful web again. That I should not be required to ignore their behavior like an idiot, while they nitpick and complain that we don't jump as high as they would like us to. While they pull out the you flunked college crappola. Shit happens old man, shit happens. Like your daughter hates you and will have nothing to do with you.
That kind of shit is happening to the donor not me. Tag, the donor is the victim. Not me.
I just feel so stupid for those 18 years I put up with it, when I could have been having some real fun times. What a moron I was!!
Sarcastic Sorry
Dear Sperm Donor,
I am sorry that I can no longer be the Black Sheep of the family for you and your wife to look down on. I apologize for having too much pride and respect for me and my family to allow for your conduct and excuses any more.
I am glad that you have the family you want. May they always stand beside you. May you never treat "your" three female grandchildren as you have treated the other females in your life (excluding my grandmother of course). May you and the Monster always continue to deserve each other and everything you get in life.
I hope that you will always feel justified in the recent things you did, as your daughter flunked out of college the first time she went during a hard time in her life, where all you could do was think of yourself. Obviously, I should still be paying that debt forward till now, and should have been paying attention to you, who was so contemptuous of me, rather than my mother in law when she was dying. I realize I should be whipping myself every day until I die at age 89, yet I am just not willing to do that. You have already had your say on this, and I already apologized a long time ago for being difficult during the college time. It's been enough.
I am sorry that you didn't realize having a baby would be a responsibility. Who hasn't worked two jobs? Jesus, I worked them and had no kids. The price of living was quite a bit lower when you had me. I am sorry I didn't come out of the womb ready to support myself. I am further sorry that my soul chose the parents it did (what was my soul thinking).
Yes, thanks for the pets, especially the lovingly killing off of them. That's a very loving thing for a father to do, leave them in an abandoned house where they die naturally from neglect. Just another way to get back at my mother & at me for looking like my mother? Oh, not to mention being born in the first place?
Who in our family besides you didn't flunk out of college? Uh Richard, John, went and did not get out. Seems like their parents are still able to love them, and not be abusive to them. To in fact be a positive influence in their life, rather than the sucking parasite you are. Me, Andy, and Lyn are the only ones that graduated at all, and I financed myself. An accomplishment that I am proud of, and happier that I do not need to thank and yet be beholden to you for any part of my life now. See that's the thing about not being present during it, you don't get to take any of the credit, and you loose a lot of the control that you would have sought to have. So I am sorry, but my life turned out well largely because you WERE NOT part of it. So, I should really be thanking you.
Thank you for leaving my life, for making it easy for me to leave yours, for being transparent even as you seek to present yourself in a different way to get your way.
I am sorry that I am a strong successful woman despite you. That a person like me would never want anything to do with someone like you. If only you could have been a complete stranger, so I would never have wasted my time trying.
I am further sorry that I am still taken surprise by what a selfish prick you are, as apparently I have held onto the hope that someday you would sincerely apologize. Remember, it wasn't even an apology that was asked of you, just allow us to sell our house stress free while Rob's mother is dying? Oh, so unreasonable.....I was taken unawares then. That's the definition of insanity though isn't it, I knew you were an unfeeling prick early on in my life. Wishing you were someone different will never make it so.
Just some DNA, that's all we have in common.
I am sorry that I can no longer be the Black Sheep of the family for you and your wife to look down on. I apologize for having too much pride and respect for me and my family to allow for your conduct and excuses any more.
I am glad that you have the family you want. May they always stand beside you. May you never treat "your" three female grandchildren as you have treated the other females in your life (excluding my grandmother of course). May you and the Monster always continue to deserve each other and everything you get in life.
I hope that you will always feel justified in the recent things you did, as your daughter flunked out of college the first time she went during a hard time in her life, where all you could do was think of yourself. Obviously, I should still be paying that debt forward till now, and should have been paying attention to you, who was so contemptuous of me, rather than my mother in law when she was dying. I realize I should be whipping myself every day until I die at age 89, yet I am just not willing to do that. You have already had your say on this, and I already apologized a long time ago for being difficult during the college time. It's been enough.
I am sorry that you didn't realize having a baby would be a responsibility. Who hasn't worked two jobs? Jesus, I worked them and had no kids. The price of living was quite a bit lower when you had me. I am sorry I didn't come out of the womb ready to support myself. I am further sorry that my soul chose the parents it did (what was my soul thinking).
Yes, thanks for the pets, especially the lovingly killing off of them. That's a very loving thing for a father to do, leave them in an abandoned house where they die naturally from neglect. Just another way to get back at my mother & at me for looking like my mother? Oh, not to mention being born in the first place?
Who in our family besides you didn't flunk out of college? Uh Richard, John, went and did not get out. Seems like their parents are still able to love them, and not be abusive to them. To in fact be a positive influence in their life, rather than the sucking parasite you are. Me, Andy, and Lyn are the only ones that graduated at all, and I financed myself. An accomplishment that I am proud of, and happier that I do not need to thank and yet be beholden to you for any part of my life now. See that's the thing about not being present during it, you don't get to take any of the credit, and you loose a lot of the control that you would have sought to have. So I am sorry, but my life turned out well largely because you WERE NOT part of it. So, I should really be thanking you.
Thank you for leaving my life, for making it easy for me to leave yours, for being transparent even as you seek to present yourself in a different way to get your way.
I am sorry that I am a strong successful woman despite you. That a person like me would never want anything to do with someone like you. If only you could have been a complete stranger, so I would never have wasted my time trying.
I am further sorry that I am still taken surprise by what a selfish prick you are, as apparently I have held onto the hope that someday you would sincerely apologize. Remember, it wasn't even an apology that was asked of you, just allow us to sell our house stress free while Rob's mother is dying? Oh, so unreasonable.....I was taken unawares then. That's the definition of insanity though isn't it, I knew you were an unfeeling prick early on in my life. Wishing you were someone different will never make it so.
Just some DNA, that's all we have in common.
Thursday Thirteen (13) Ways That I Dissapointed My Father
To be fair, I will make up a little list for my father, of what I am sure is going on in his head.
- Never liked sports, woodworking, or cars. Course could have liked them if my father ever showed that time with him could be fun, and not a time to constantly criticize and complain that I didn't like it.
- Was not an A student in Junior High or High School. I was a lackluster student except for in music. (as was my husband, and his parents still loved him)
- Had no interest in going into his profession pre-college or anything that smacked of the business world that I thought he was in.
- Did not always agree with him, or think he was right because he was "my father".
- He wasn't around me when I did this, but I drank in college and also experimented a bit with drugs.
- After high school and the divorce, instead of catering to him and coming home during, I wanted to spend time away from my family and with my friends. I just got out of that environment.
- I went away to study music (dad never thought it was a good career move).
- I stopped studying music and wanted a couple of years off to figure out what it was that I wanted to do (labelled under you just couldn't win).
- Excuses needed to be made when I quit the position that he was proud of (controller oh joy, and that's just why I did it NOT) that "other female execs" had done similar things. This is when I became a dog trainer and business owner. Thank Goodness there was that comparison so the utter humiliation could be short lived.
- Dissapointed in my choice of husband and boyfriend at first.
- That I wasn't gifted like the "gifted" students he prefers to make programs for. (like he's gifted?)
- I am sure that I am a reminder of my mother. Also, no doubt the reason it was fine for his wife to be abusive towards me.
- That I have not followed the path that he wanted me to follow, in the way he wanted me to follow it, for him.
*****Holy shit, I forgot, I lied once when I was 13 about a crank call to a neighbor's kid. I wrote about this before in this blog, but I wouldn't want the Donor to think I had left out any other unforgivable sin.
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