"A wonderful & supportive father," ummmmm, that is some grade A BS.

 Obituaries, funerals, and eulogies can be complete and utter BS sometimes.  My name was put on the sperm donor's obituary, and the text quoted above ["a wonderful and supportive father'] was one of the last lines.  To who?  My stepbrothers are listed as if they are his biological children; they must have meant them.  For his only biological child and daughter (me), this is a lie.  Not a little lie, but a big fat lie.  "Supportive fathers"s do not do the things my Sperm Donor did. I know because I have seen actual supportive, loving fathers.  

Of course, people aren't going to put negatives out there in an obituary.  Couldn't they have just left my name out if they were going to end with that whopper?  I mean, if the sperm donor was a "wonderful and supportive father," then the Step Monster was the mother I never had but always wanted.  WTF!

You know why they did not leave my name out? The answer is appearances.  There are some other flowery fairy dust things in the obituary that are all about exaggerating the appearance rather than toning it down closer to reality.  Families, and especially my Step Monsters,  have to ratchet those adjectives and exaggerate any accomplishment so it sounds like he was just the best at everything and to everyone.   FFS

The claim that he was a "wonderful & supportive father" just ticked me off.   Hey, Sperm Donor, we both know the truth, don't we?  A flowery obituary with lies and half-truths does not change history.  Hey, Step Monster and Spawn, you know the truth, too.  

They also said in the obituary that there would be a private burial, knowing they had cremated the Sperm Donor.  I don't mind cremation, but why outright lie (I know it is for their precious appearances) in the obituary?  

BTW, I don't want my obituaries or eulogies to be anything like that.  I don't really want an obituary or an eulogy, especially if it is going to be akin to unicorns farting rainbows.  Maybe I should do that exercise as I am getting older.  My grandmother had everything ready to go when she died.  I believe most of the arrangements were in place and her wishes known.  At this Roman Catholic funeral, there was no eulogy.  Instead, each grandchild read a bible verse from a selection to read.  I am not big on the Bible, so I picked the least offensive verse, which had a lovely sentiment.  

Her obituary is closer to what I would want.   Also, my Uncle Dick's obituary was funny and captured his personality perfectly.  Family and love were the main themes in both of them.  While I wouldn't be in the know per se, it didn't seem like there was over-the-top exaggeration or lies.   

Everybody Dies

I have not written a poem for a long time:

EVERYBODY DIES

-dedicated to Anthony J Caputo 1946-2026 of Shrewsbury, MA, Bettyann Caputo of Shrewsbury, MA, and Coldwell Banker Realty, Andrew Reck of Wayland Ma and Oakhill Architects for your participation during very painful times.  You won.

"Everybody dies." 

Explaining his selfishness

Placating the other half

Ignoring pain

Was it cowardice

Lack of empathy

Was it so hard

To accept no

Walking away wasn't hard

After the gaslighting

It was recognized

I was done

The sun comes out today

I know what I wanted

Was impossible

"Everybody dies."

October 1946 to March 2026

Yesterday or the day before, SD died.  If you read the "Angry Eulogy" on this blog about my family estrangement, that might have been apparent. I  jotted that down in the hours I found out to try to release the emotion I was feeling, which was anger.  Then I posted it here, as this is the real end.

I am not sure who I was more pissed off at.  I have been really pissed off at the Stepmonster and her spawn, the son SD most likely always wanted.  Let me be clear, the estrangement was not their fault, but they have been horrible people to me in the past.  They certainly had no problem piling on in the Stepmonsters case at any weakness, and the Step Spawn's case to join in. 

Then hearing the spawn's excuse of not calling me, that "he did not have my contact info" just reminded me what sniveling cowards they are.  I definitely had renewed anger at them upon learning this.  They were right to be scared or ashamed to call me because it would probably not be pleasant.  I have pulled up my big girl pants when I did not particularly want to reach out on their behalf at least a few times before the estrangement.  Their continued cowardice makes me pissed off yet again that they can not be decent people.

I have wondered in the past whether SD tried to contact me if I would respond. The general answer is no.  If it had been the same old conditions and disrespect of my boundaries, I would definitely not have engaged. 

What if he needed help for some reason and there was no one else to look out for him?  I don't owe him anything, and interacting with him would be just like it used to be.  Any generosity on my part most likely would be abused.  I may have reached out as I questioned my sanity.  I really do not know.  

Oddly, I did find a text from the SD only by sending out a condolence.   It popped up, and I had not seen it.  I have my phone on do not disturb, and not too many people contact me through text.  In fact, only my husband does, and it is through fb messenger.  So I was not looking for texts, scouring through my texts, or paying any attention to them.  

The text message told me how he died 3 weeks later.  Pancreatic cancer had taken hold and he was warning me that it is genetic and to get screening early.  I thank him for that and will update my doctor accordingly.

Was I mad at him?  I have to tell you that most of my reflections on our relationship were not happy, and if I think about them too much, I feel much anger. This is why I dealt with those feelings previously and had not been dwelling on them for a while now.

 On my 16th (actually probably 17 or 18 as the separation between my parents had started), my SD brought my best friend and me out to a fancy dinner somewhere and had gotten Duran Duran tickets for both of us.  That is probably the best memory I can think of.  It was unexpected, and I did not think he paid attention to what music I liked.  That was a nice thing to feel in that period of time.

I don't really know what I would have done had I gotten that message when it was sent.  I may have texted back and wished him a speedy recovery if it were possible.  A "last conversation" would have most likely been unpleasant for both of us, so I probably would not have called, so he could be upset as he was fighting this or having his final days.  It's been 20 years since he has not been part of my life.  I don't see the point, but I don't know what I would have done if he had asked.

The arrangements and dealing with his death are with his chosen family.  The question of how I would feel when the time comes has now been answered.  I hope he was not afraid at the end, and I hope Gram greeted him, though I am agnostic.  Agnostic means to me that you don't know and don't pretend to know the answers of the universe. My grandmother was a staunch Roman Catholic.  All the same, I hope a part of our soul is a real thing and that you can be reunited with those you loved when you pass.  The thought of a black hole of nothing is disturbing, which a friend who passed believed.  I do not believe anything having to do with organized religion that IMHO people use as a way to control others and justify violence towards others.  So I don't picture pearly gates, a white-bearded God, Jesus, or the warmer option.  

When my grandmother passed, I drove to her old home to reflect under the boysenberry tree after her funeral.  On the way there, I distinctly smelled my grandmother's perfume.  When my cat Clyde died, I went home bawling, and I suddenly heard his loud purr, which used to wake me up in the morning. When my grandfather died, a music box played a bit, and I thought I felt someone lightly pull my ponytail.  At evertime someone or an animal close to me died, I have not had those experiences.  I don't believe they were my imagination or a way to cope, but who knows. I hope those show that we are all still around in one form or the other and able to connect later if that is desired.

RIP and safe journeys 

MY ANGRY EULOGY

In the over 20 years I have not spoken to [REDACTED] face-to-face or on the phone, I have not once regretted it. It was a long time coming. The relationship was a thousand cuts: being reminded I was the accident and the black sheep of the family.  

The [REDACTED] (except Joshua, who died far too young), very much including the evil cunt spermy married, were not the cause of the rift per se. [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] just got what they always wanted and sped it up. So "fuck you" or "thank you," I am not sure which. Sorry for your loss, though you miserable pieces of shit, even though you probably hated each other at the end.  

My Sperm Donor lived the life he wanted, miserable or not. I am glad that he and his brother, Uncle [REDACTED], may have reconciled at the end, alive and now in death. Not completely sure what caused their rift for a while, but they were [REDACTED], though I have more fondness for [REDACTED] than I do the miserable POS sperm donor. I am sure the sperm donor has felt the same. May he rest in peace, having lived as he deserved, wanted, and designed.

Let me extol Spermy's virtues:

1. Racist

2. Racist and responsible, as an educator, for children

3. Mysogonist, though apparently not MAGA

4. Almost always broke promises to me. I can't recall any promises that were kept.

5. Cared more about appearances than anything else

6. Only valued occupations of me or his step children that would make HIM or the STEPMONSTER look good, NOT WHAT MADE ANYONE HAPPY

7. Never failed to take advantage of me and never reciprocated

8. Emotionally abusive to me pre the estrangement

9. Repeatedly tried to put a rift between me and my grandmother and possibly my grandfather

10. Not telling me my grandfather had cancer while I was in college

11. Cared more for material things than people 

12. Looked at animals and pets as disposable 

13.  Homophobic

14.  How he agreed with the step monster not to include my grandmother at their hosted Christmas on the last year she was alive, and instead left her alone at the nursing home (I should have left when I found that put and driven directly to my grandmother, I regret this very much)

May SD rest in peace, having lived as he deserved and designed himself.

(Sorry, Grandma, I hope you greeted them both in Heaven) Had I agreed to a last conversation with Spermy, it would not have gone well for either of us. Spermy's death does not change what a flaming piece of shit he was in my experience.  I hope the others were affected more positively in "knowing" him.  Spermy had no depth under his mask IMHO.  Knowing and living with him showed a different person under the mask.  He was not physically abusive, but he really could have given 0 $hits about me anyway.  To spend much time with him would be to experience, at least in my case, how little you mattered unless what you did or were reflected on him positively.   Positive things included material things and $$$s.  Not kindness, caring, or his offspring making their own choices and dealing with their own issues in life.  

My husband asked if I felt alone after the SD passing.  Somehow, I felt more alone when he was still here.  I feel less alone somehow now.  Maybe untethered is the word I am looking for.  

This post is not meant to be kind on my part and take of that what you will.  IMHO, SD lived and died in cowardice and lack of real feelings (at least towards the "accident").  I do hope he had the life he wanted and that he was not afraid at the end.  Also, that it happened without pain and with his chosen family.

30 and 20 Year Memorial

 This year is the roughly 30th year that I have not talked to my "mother" and 20 years (more or less) that I have talked to my "father".  By "talked," I mean in person or over the phone.   I am not talking about any digital conversations that have cropped up on this blog or my "mother's" blog (snickers.typepad.com or estrangements.com).  It's been about 9 years since my last post on here or anywhere about estrangement.

People still find and read this blog, which surprised me. I just looked at my blog stats.  So many people out there are dealing with this issue in various and unique ways.  If this is you, I am sorry you are going through this.   I hope this blog and others like it have done someone some good.  This is not a club anyone wants to be in.   So I hope maybe some of my coping and brain dump helped some person.

I remain convinced that this (estrangement) was the healthiest thing I could do for myself 30 and 20 years ago.  It took many years, obviously, to come to terms and peace with estranging myself from my parents.   While it was the right thing fo me, that does not make it an easy thing.   I still deal with issues of trust, communication, and creating relationships outside of my marriage.   I probably always will to some extent.  The one accomplishment is that I am at peace with this and have been for many years now.

The other option, just allowing the continued emotional and psychological abuse,  was not tenable for me, and I have posted many times in this blog about this.   Previously, doing that caused more damage (to myself) than good.   I hope if you are in this situation, you have found your way no matter the direction that you went/go in.  

This life is hard.   Do what is good for you and your future.

To those of you still figuring out what is best for you, something true and funny....

2014 Had Almost No Space Rented by The Donors in My Head

This will only be the third post in this blog this year!   That is quite an accomplishment for me, and a sign that I am well into the healing process from my toxic family relations.

Be well and keep on exploring your feelings until you get through to the healing side.   No my life is not perfect, in fact we had a super stressful year.  I thought land developers only came after you in movies, but that is just not so.   We are winning, but we got involved in a fight for our lively hood and property this year, due to unethical practices of land developer who knows the system well.

So 2014 is being kicked to the curb this year, but NOT because my toxic family had any part at all in it:)   So at least I did not have that adding to my stress level.

Could have done without the land developer too, but that is life.

Found this very appropriate

Damage that can happen in your subconscious although consciously you never thought it would.

First of all, things have been great as far as the "no contact".   Not a peep either directly, indirectly, or via the internet.  No weird strangers contacting me (who know absolutely nothing about me) asking me to comment on something my donors have said.   No pleas from "family members" via third parties to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable so their buddies (my donor(s)) feel good (it's never any concern about me).

Then I was thinking of the poems I used to write my pets when they died.   I thought about this, because it linked to the more recent posts to "family members" dying, and that made me think of other grief.   Then I thought why didn't I write poems for Mustache, Leon, Jackie, Stormy, and Jazz.   And this made me immediately think of something my NM blogged about how I apparently like to write sappy poems.

I did not even realize this was subconsciously affecting me.   Granted I am no artist with words, I know that.   This is not why I wrote these memorials to my pets (and a couple of love poems to my husband).   It was to somehow represent something that I was feeling inside in that moment.   Because NM could not accept that I was no longer her victim, she needed to take a mean spirited shot at me.   And I knew that, but thought at the time this would never affect me.

Now I wonder where those poems are and if they have been saved.   It's like that day that side of me just shut down for someone I had decided some time ago was not worth my while.   Certainly not worth these examples of emotional abuse that was her side of our relationship!

Others have said it's not that ONE thing.   It's the constant barrage of things.   I for one am so glad that barrage has stopped, so I can continue to get my feet under me and reclaim myself.   I love the way those goofy poems make me feel now, remembering how I felt then.   So now I will be working on memorials to my other lost pets.

Try not to let people diminish those parts of you.   It's hard because sometimes you do not know it happened until much much later, as it happens subconsciously.

Or, someone can realize the person in front of them is not someone they care to know

"Someone can be a good person and still believe untruths. This is what inspired me to write about Being Wrong. Because I believe that many good people believe bad things about other good people who don't deserve being so maligned. After all, it is said that you have to demonize someone before you can hate them. It's a lot harder to dislike and hate someone who really is a nice enough person. So, to estrange them successfully, it helps to demonize, demonize, demonize!!"

No, for me, it was a very painful look at the reality of the situation.  My NM is not a monster or a demon.   She is just someone I don't want in my life.   So many examples of why including her blog and postings about me on other sites that were "not meant for my eyes", as an explanation.

That's fine, but there is no reason to again point the finger of blame at me, and continue to not recognize my valid reasons for estrangement that have been laid out for her (and certainly not denied by her).   It's statements like these that have me shaking my head.

Bizzaro World

One of my cousins on eggy's side sent me this picture recently.   My Grand Uncle Ernie had forwarded it to her.  This picture brought out a lot of conflicting thoughts.   My cousin on spermy's side said "what a great picture of the trio".   This was not the foremost of my thoughts when seeing this picture.

The first thing that struck me is that I did not first think the yellow short woman was eggy.   She actually seems to look more like my Aunt Sojna (no blood relation to eggy).   Or maybe my cousin Debbie who was roughly her age, I think.

I think there are a couple of reasons I have trouble recognizing her.   One being, is that woman has almost no similarity in my mind to what I know of her now.   Even her interests...she used to play softball, we used to hike in the mountains, and I did feel loved at this age by both eggy and spermy.   I am probably six in this photo, maybe even five.   The physical exercise stuff she pretty much hates now, and may have even hated then.   It is hard to fit the perception of her by my six year old self, to my perception of her as my 40 year old self.  I can pick out things that hinted at what I understand her to be now, but taken as a one time thing could have just been anyone having a bad day or making a bad choice.   Looking back on days like this (I don't remember the exact one, but I remember days like this in the Cape) I see two people that I have not seen since (in spermy's case) age 9 and (in my mother's case) around age 16 or 17.   Though I would say I knew something was not right around Junior High, but the real realizations started to trickle in around 16 to my 20s.  

It strikes me how captive young children can be into their parents "situation".   There is nothing a daughter can do if their father dislikes women.   You can not keep yourself, for instance, from becoming a woman instead of a cute toddler girl who thinks her father is right in everything before learning to think for herself.   In third grade, I loved my teacher Mr Sullivan.   Not in a romantic kind  of way, he was just fun, interesting, and into teaching his students.   He made everyone in his class feel special.   One day I came home enthusiastic about a lesson or idea that Mr Sullivan had taught us that day.   I was met with a lot of hostility from Spermy.   I look back on that day as the day the guy in the picture above became deceased as far as my perception of him.   It was not that little incident understand, it is every incident that snowballed after that.  I never felt loved or cherished by spermy pretty much since that day.   I did not understand why.   I did not even really understand what was happening.   It was not until reflecting the course of our relationship later on, that I could pick out what seems to be a pivotal moment when perhaps both of our opinions about each other changed drastically.

It is clear now that spermy was threatened by my interest in my teacher vs my compliance in agreeing with him instead of forming my own opinions.   I was brought up correctly so to believe racism and sexism is bad.   However, I found later, that these were not the ideals of my donors inner most thoughts, and sometimes public verbal thoughts.   I know that eggy thought she was a feminist, and that she was independent.   However, much of what she writes is about the dependence she has on people viewing her a certain way.   Part of that is narcissist but part of that is also not understanding that you need to take the reigns of your own destiny.   And that is not representative of a strong or independent woman.

When those things start to diverge for me, I realized that my donors were pretty much strangers.   Through other events and things that happened, they ended up being strangers that I did not like at all.

It's so weird to see a photo like this for this reason.   It's like looking into an alternate universe.  A bizzaro world where these people grew together, were close, and lived happily ever after as the loving family they appear to be. 

I guess it troubles me that I had no control, and have no control of how the story of that family turns out.

WTF?

Yes I see that you have been peeking in several times since Lynn's death.   And no, I don't accept your invitation to "connect" on Linked In.

Say it with me "dysfunctional triangulation" yet again.   If I had an interest in "connecting" with you, I would call you, as most normal people would do.   Perhaps write.   Instead of triangulating your messages through relatives or websites.

I DO NOT have any interest in contacting you.   Lynn's death has NOT inspired me to disregard my boundaries or my happiness.

And if we see each other at an event soon, just try to act like a normal human being.  You know "hi" and walk on by.  Not glare, or press up against the redbox distribution center, or scowl, or any of the number of things you usually do.  Unless it is the other one, in which case also just try to act like a human being.  Let me talk to my relatives if I want to without running up and inserting yourself in between as you did at the anniversary party.   Trust me, I have no interest in talking about either of you.

Just going to support the groom and bride.   So please, don't take these as opportunities to do whatever selfish and inconsiderate thing it is that you are tempted to do.  Try just try to be decent one time.   It would be appreciated.

More complicated thoughts on estranged "family" death

I am very sad when people die.   It very much affects me.  I am also compassionate for the families of their relatives who are now gone.  

Strangers die, people I have watched on TV die, acquaintances die, people I have seen around town die, co workers die....and some of those people (not all but some) I have had a closer relationship than my own FOO.   Should I die, I do not want someone showing up at my funeral that I have chosen not to speak to for years---sometimes more than a decade even if we might share a gene or two.   I will be grateful for their mourning, but please do not desecrate me if you were not in my life with your pressence in my death.

In the same way, I have chosen to honor my cousin without pretending our relationship was something that it was not.   People closest to her that chose to keep their relationship real and alive with her should surround her at her funeral (assuming that was her wish). 

If this was myself (which it is notand I know that), I want a cremation and very private perhaps non existent memorial.   I do believe that my cousin who passed was not in spirit itching for me to rush down to be with her body and a bunch of people who have not bothered to reach out to me until a death in the family (typical by the way). Trust me, if she had not talked to me for years (and we had no falling out, I believe it was an organic growth of our dysfunctional family state), at no point would her big concern after death be whether I was there or not at her funeral.

 I guarantee you, my spirit will not be zoning for people I have not talked to for a decade or more when I go (but maybe that is just me, and just because I have dealt with that already).  Just scatter me with my pets around the beach or the yard by someone who truly loved me, and was with me through the happy, the sad, the bad, the good, the sickness, the health, the poor times, the rich times, through work, through play, and on and on.   Do not come to me after I die to say how much you blah blah blah.  You did not even know me.   I did not know my cousin that well, only superficially.  I did like and respect her.   I think I knew something of what she might of felt about our family.   Then again maybe not.   I have not talked to her for a very very very long time.   Before then, we may have talked once to three times a year, even when we were little.   We never corresponded on Facebook or anything like that.   Never shared a really deep thought.

I feel for her, and I feel for her family.   Got a call from my Uncle, which I did not return, after about seven years of him not bothering to contact me even after I reached out long ago.   This is not a punishment to him, he is just not in my life.   I worked very hard to purge myself of the virtual strangers that can take and can demand, but can never give or empathize in return.  And I do empathize with them, but they don't need me.   I don't need them to use me as their proof that I will come running, and after all we are a close family.   We ARE NOT FAMILY EXCEPT IN THE MOST STRICT BIOLOGICAL SENSE.

I know the cashier at the grocery store better, and I like her more.  (A bit harsh but I speak the truth here)   So while I feel sorry for them, they are going to need to turn to the people they have kept in their lives.   I grieve for my cousin on my own terms.  I certainly do not want that poison to surround me in my time of grief---that is really about lost opportunities for her.

Deaths In The Estranged Family

Found out that my Step Monster's sister died this last February.  Her sister was actually a nice and seemed to be real person.  I remember when her fist child came along, how very very happy her and her husband were.   Then their second child came along, and was met with more happiness and love.

She was smart, educated, warm, funny, and was loyal to her family.   I was never in her inner circle, but I appreciated her for the woman that she seemed to be.   She was taken much to early, apparently from breast cancer.   I don't really know, but the family requested donations be sent to a breast cancer research foundation, so that is my guess. I believe she was in her sixties, so she was pretty young actually.

But not as young as my fifty year old cousin that died this month.   Her brother, the one cousin still in touch with me, was good enough to let me know.   I had not talked to my cousin in some years.   We were somewhat close once, and then moved apart.    Actually, although not officially estranging from her family, my cousin lived a distinctly separate life from her family.

There are quite a few sad parts to this tale for me.   One was that she was about to move to Florida to spend more time with her family.  She was just on the brink of putting all that in place when she died.   Or maybe that is a somewhat happy thing is that she probably died in her sleep, while being excited about this.  I only wish she could have full filled that adventure.

The other sad thing is, and I can only guess this from coming from the same family, is that I don't think she ever felt comfortable being her authentic self around her family.   My family tends to converse in criticism.   My grandmother used to converse this way, and I finally figured out this was her way of saying she loved you.   So I would just tease her about that (after I figured that out) and call her out on this.

It is my opinion that my aunt uses this same technique, but I am not ever sure that if she does feel genuine affection for all of her kids, that they have felt that.   There is something about a constant chipping away of saying "your too fat", "when will you settle down", and on and on that if you accept that and let that poison seep into your system, you internalize it and it owns you.   No amount of jawing the words "I love you" will undo that, without the opposite actions of showing actual love.   When someone makes it seem at least that they love your successful career, but not this other part of you, it makes you hide and cover things that are perhaps not that grim or worth covering up.

I have come to a place where if a relative is doing something self destructive, you should perhaps let them know of your CONCERN (different than criticism) one time (maybe two times).   You know after that, they are going to do what they are going to do.   You can either have a good and loving relationship until the end, or you can have an adversarial relationship or the appearance at a relationship at the end.   As long as that relative is not hurting you, and you have let them know you are there to help them, there is no point in heaping criticisms upon them or upon loved ones of theirs.   Especially if they are not hearing any positive things from you to counter balance that.   I still believe that harping on a criticism that is not relevant to you presonally, can only be harmful to the other person.

I don't know that this is what happened with my cousin, but if it did, I wish she had an opportunity to fully deal with that, and have authentic relationships in her life.   She was a bit self destructive perhaps, but I think this was born of the ability to ignore a nagging voice that she let inside her head, which may have insisted that these criticisms were all there was to her.

When we used to get together, there was fun in my cousin and she could be very funny.   I think she was very lonely and felt alone however.   I know that feeling, and when you do not perhaps have a partner to share that with, and you can't share yourself with your family (or you feel that way) it erodes at you if you let it.

I think while my step monster's sister died too early, that she did have a happy and fulfilled life.   I don't know that for sure of course, and everything in my family is about appearances....but she seemed too real to be masking a real unhappiness.   Lynn on the other hand, I think was maybe just about to blossom at 50.   Perhaps establish real connections in her life that might have been less than she wished for before.    Course I had not seen her for many years, so I will never know.   We had grown apart when I was having my own struggles coming to terms with what my family meant to me.

I was more on the outskirts at any of my step monster's functions even when I was "in" the family.  My cousin and I spent time together growing up, and seeing each other at the minimum at family holidays that my grandparents used to host.   My cousin lived on a lake, so my aunt and uncle would also have events that they would host as well.   When we grew up, I pretty much counted on her to hide with me in the corner from the rest of my family LOL.   I didn't really realize at the time that we may be doing this, but we would both grab a glass of wine and head for a quiet part of the room and converse most of the time there.

Anyway, two beings have left the earth at too early an age.   I grieve them.  I remember the good times, and the great things about each of them.  My step monster's sister will live on in her children.   My cousin will live on her her nieces and nephews, who she adored and who adored her:)

I wanted to capture my feelings about my cousin and my step aunt here.   Later I will post some more complicated feelings and situations this brings about.  I hope I have honored them both in some way.   One way is to be sure that I take care of myself, and spend time with those that I love and who love me.   To try and break out of my inner shell on occaision and have as authentic relationships as I can have with those people.   I miss that they are not in the world anymore have the lives that I imagined for them.   I wish them peace and happiness where they are now.

I wonder if this is such a hard task for most everyone in the world, or is it just me and my family.

More Voices from The Web

Delusions of the estranged parent

Letter from estranged father

Letter to a daughter

Should I write an amends letter if I have nothing to apologize for

Estranged father dies, what to do with bills

How to deal with estrangement

When peace is a burned bridge

Don't tell me how to parent

Found all these great blog posts (or on other forums) over the last month.   I try to give a smattering of all the different situations that I find.  I think these are important issues to think about from all angles and perspectives.

Six posts over three years to say you are wrong? Or that everyone else is wrong?

There has been an elephant that I have been trying to ignore, but have become fascinated by it.  My egg donor has been writing a now six part series on "being wrong".   I have no idea what the point is to any of these posts.

You would think I might have some insight into this, but even looking at these seems akin to falling down the rabbit hole that is my egg donor's rational in the worlds of things too big and too small (and way off kilter).   It's been a couple of years since I have specifically brought up either of my donors as a topic, but I am just too fascinated.   It's sort of like seeing something disturbing (like the injury to the basketball player in the news) and yet need to look to be sure it's okay.   When you look though, there is no way this is okay (or sane).  My mother wrote a similar odyssey of her martyrdom, sacrifice, and the harsh cruel world that forced it's indignities on her in parts I, II, III, and of course IV.  I have linked my thoughts as this series went on here.

Now to be followed by the six, yes six, and lengthy part series on "being wrong".   I had done some posts on her previous four part series, as I was confused as to the purpose of these postings.   You know this was not new to me, except for one disturbing piece of information.  I had after all, been the accident that began the whole story, and lived in the house as the "events" unfolded while living in the donors self involved dramas as the bit part pawn.   Course I shouldn't be surprised that the egg donor might have forgotten that I was there at all!

So now we this most recent series that I will try to summarize the message of (though I am thoroughly confused as I read them, and wonder if some sort of small stroke might have occurred or dementia):

Part 1 May 30, 2011  Entitled "Being wrong the book the experience" Here we find that she finds her friends are wrong about Bob and Janice (see part 4).   So she is first not liking them, but then finds her friends are wrong, and likes them.   So here is where she is wrong, but then wait for it...Part 4 nix that, she was right all long!   In each she is the hero or the victim.   Heroically she reverses her sheep like reaction, and overcomes her wrong friends.   Then she finds she is a victim to her rescues, and her friends were right after all.   Meaning ultimately, she was always right, always doing the right thing.

Part 2 June 14, 2011 Entitled "More on the subject of being wrong"talks about deception on the Bachelorette?  Um, er, okay.   This is reality.

Part 3 October 2, 2012    Entitled "When you are just plain wrong"   Talks about how she was wrong on her assumption of Hugo (you might think one would notice a trend in themselves by now...ASS umptions based on nothing more than the marbles rolling around in her skull)  

Part 4 October 4, 2012  Entitled "How is it that we choose the wrong answer?" Now it is Bob and Janice, started from an above post.   Now they the very horrible people she first thought they were based on other people's opinions, who she found to be wrong previously (LMAO).  So is that like a double negative, where wait for it, she was right all along.

Part 5 March 28, 2013 (***and I have to note this came after "someone" was reading extensively on my blog after I posted on 3/25) She read a book called Being Wrong.   In it it described an experiment where people would give an incorrect answer (on something that would be obvious) in the presence of other people who gave an incorrect answer (sounding like peer pressure or the sheep response to me)   Other people apparently incorrectly believed they were paralyzed.   So we are all capable of believing anything at all, and thus are always incorrect (you know except possibly one person *her*)  Blah blah blah, and how others treat other strangers on the Internet regarding what side of estrangement they are on, and blah blah blah blah and we get to the Carol story.   Who may or may not have been a perfectly lovely angel, but the point is Tim would have had to be wrong but not meaning to be wrong.   But Eggy knows of course.   And blah blah blah to a final point of that could people can be abusive while thinking they are doing a good thing....  (um, if they are and they are good, they have apologized once they realized this, and not taken this as their excuse as to having not done anything wrong at all).   Doing the "right" thing and being abusive are not compatible.   Sorry, not going to excuse eggy nor should anyone else excuse eggy's behavior for this lame "excuse".   Its taken her many many years to think this one up, she should have done better.

Part 6 March 29th 2013:  From part five, what if she was her friend Tim that was clearly wrong (and why wouldn't eggy be sure about it one way or the other) about the other friend Carol.   Sometimes we are all Tim, though she does not know why we would be Tim.  "People" have likewise be "wrong" about her and that makes her both pained and irritated.  But in the end, she magnanimously accepts other people's right to be wrong, and perhaps not even know they are wrong.  Guess that is probably someone like me.  I wouldn't bother to list all the things that I have been "wrong" about that have been acknowledged AND are out there in black and white.   Where she was being abusive but "thought she was doing the right thing"---give me a fucking break.    Seriously, she bore birthed and brought me up, did they tell her I was retarded?

So you get the point of her series right?   I'm off to see the caterpillar and smoke whatever comes out of his pipe.   My advice is this.   When you are wrong, step up, apologize, immediately.   Don't wait years and then try to come up with excuses in a series of senseless blog posts.   I am not assuming she is posting for my benefit by the way, I just wonder how many other people know her who she thinks are idiots that would believe this claptrap (be they Carol, Tim, Janice, Bob or the Jabberwocky).   That is the wrong way to say it, who she thinks are to stupid to see through to what she really is.   Yeah, I definately look at her through a dark film, as I have experienced her first hand once upon a time.

 I have dealt with being wrong right away in the moment it happened.   There is no excuse for not owning up to what one has done or taking ownership for it.   You can't disguise it as having abused someone while thinking you were doing the right thing, as everyone knows it's bullshit.   The only one someone who thinks like that is fooling is MAYBE themselves.  The very sad thing is that they (self absorbed, the selfish, narcissists) are really trying to fool their victims.   They think all these words will hypnotize their intended victim into a stupid state of unconsciousness.  

I don't think all the parts to this newest (senseless) series is over by a long shot either.   Perhaps I am wrong, and I will own it if I am, but she seems to be doing a very dysfunctional dance trying to exonerate herself for something.  Abuse, being wrong, I don't know.   I don't care.   Maybe I am wrong about my opinions about her, but I have earned those opinions and would have to ignore so many actual actions and writings to dispute my theories about her----and that would make me an idiot.   I don't like her or trust her to want to be an idiot for her.   Been there, done that, it's over.

Anyone want to take any bets on how many more parts there are to go?   I am going to say there will be eight parts by the time she is finished.

Family Estrangement Blogs

For myself, I know a lot of healing has been going on.   For the bloggers that I have followed, I think the same has been happening for some of them.   Hence I assume this to be the reason for the decrease in their blogging.

I did want to start searching for some new bloggers just, perhaps, beginning to dip their toes into their feelings on their dysfunctional families.   Some of these blogs I am finding, do not specifically deal with this topic as the premise for their whole blog.   I found at least two very compelling items today to share though:

A Letter I Won't Send My Father

The E-Mail I Did Send to My Estranged Father

I do not have the same circumstances, but could definitely identify with the emotions and conflicting feelings and thoughts.

I found some more articles (but not individual blogs) on family estrangement topics:

Advice on moving from estrangement to reconciliation

Facebook and Family Estrangement

10 Points to Consider Before Reconciling

We don't have to agree on everything

The actual personal blogs were harder to find.   I had to find them by going to older family estrangement blogs, and figuring out who they followed and who was still posting.   This led to these:

The Elephant in The Room

Narcissists are attention whores

What narcs hate the most

I hope everyone is well, and enjoys these articles.   It used to be easier to discover these posts.   I guess the Internet is clogged up with all sorts of information and blogs these days.   Remember, you are not alone in your experiences.   At least there are similar ones out there, and some people that can provide you some information and insight on handling it.

Peaceful First Quarter of 2013!

On the estranged family front, things have been very peaceful.   I am hopeful that it will remain thusly!   The business is doing well, my remaining dogs are doing well, and life is good.   I even managed to take a little me time off and go on a mini vacation.


Maine still has some snow, and possibly another "snow event" to go.   I am okay with that, however:)   I am looking forward to seeing the ground again hopefully in the near future.

We have been taking care of some personal financial business.   Hopefully that will all fall into place as hoped.

It's been very nice not having the additional stress of unwanted attentions of people that really have no interested in me.  Instead of feeding any energy into futile relationships, I am able to funnel my energy in the relationships and things that matter.

I hope all the best for everyone else who has had a similar and unpleasant journey.   When things work out for the best for all involved (including yourself), then everything gets a little better and easier to deal with.

2013 Should be a Peaceful Year

I am expecting 2013 to be a peaceful and drama free year:)   My mind has not been renting any space to them as of late.   I plan to continue this trend into the foreseeable future!   It's a nice relaxing trend that allows me to attend to those things in my life that have actual importance.

2012 Year in Review

Except for one very tragic and devastating incident, we had an other wise great year.  Our wonderful canine companion, Leon, died suddenly on 9/20/2012.   I am still not over it, and will never really be over it.   It will just get a little less painful as time goes on.   Leon was a very special and loving soul.   He did a lot of work with me in my business.  He provided a lot of love, fun, and joy for us all as a family.   It is believed to have been a cardiac incident.   By the way, 40% of Dobermans are thought to have cardiomiopathy.  Still they remain my very favorite breed due to their sense of fun and their athletic ability.

Sigh, he is very very much missed.   There are all sorts of little jobs he would do for me during the day, that remind me how very much he loved working with me.   Everyday there is a reminder of that.

So here is the good parts of 2012:

1. Business up by 18%
2. I was able to take a few actual days off for a vacation this year.   First time since 2005, I think.
3. Summer was perfect in that it was not sweltering hot.   It was a very comfortable and enjoyable summer.
4. We had many many good times with our dogs on the beach this year.
5. My husband and I were able to have a lot of good times this year.  
6. We have been able to afford things like heat and health insurance this year:)
7. We have been able to get our savings going again.

It would have been a really stellar year if Leon could still have been with us.