Found a new blog today. I just had to laugh, as there is always much discussion about a Narcissist's playbook. Well "Open Your Eyes and See" has just discovered the use of such a book in her own family situation.
The targets of this sort of behavior always question themselves about whether they are overreacting or crazy, and then when this sort of gift falls into one's lap---it's sad that some of us actually need this evidence, when we aren't doing anything wrong other than living our lives to the best of our ability (and being honest and straight forward).
Manipulation, I am convinced, is a sneaky form of abuse.
Great blog, and I have included it in my "blogs that prove you are NOT alone".
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Tethered in my Younger Days
In my junior high, high school, and college days, I was so out of touch with my feelings about what was happening around me and to me. I did not recognize that my anger came from being manipulated, played with, used as a pawn by my donors. I didn't consciously realize this was going on. Why would I?
And yes, if you follow the links above, you will find that I had issues in my high school and college days. Issues that I had acknowledged and apologized for long ago. Issues that my Donors like to go back to and lovingly stroke and carress as their excuse for continued emotional and verbal abuse of me well into adulthood. If I had not said no to both of them once (and effectively ended my usefullness to either of them), then this behavior towards me would still continue. If you read my familial rules below, you will find out that is not allowed (saying no):) Well yes, the behavior towards me does still continue, but they have effectively been hacked out of my life, so it's just not as effective as it once was (plus I don't feel compelled to fetch them whatever they need on a whim). (for instance S Donor could not ask to take my collectibles for free so he could gift them to Brett with Monster's name on the card as he used to feel free to do). Yup, his daughter the handy Hallmark not store but give away, because you were born.
I was "trained" not to realize what was going on.
"Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time. The difference here is you have built a whole different reality about your life and you have left out all of the good that ever happened to you, and there was good before Rob." well yeah, most likely there were moments in my life that were good, not sure they all included dear old Spermy, however. See my reality is not real. Much like when I told him I was happy about his divorce to Eggy, I was wrong about that too (eyes roll).
"What I find interesting about your blog is how you can pass off half-truths as fact." What I find interesting about Spermy is that he starts off the conversation, but when I answer...he can not finish the conversation. See that would me listening and then in his case...justifying what a shit he is.
"If this is the only way that we can communicate, I’ll give it a shot. I don’t usually read blogs." yeah, he gave this about as much of a shot as he gave being an actual parent LOL. Note the long suffering he will give it a shot, while he does not read such stupid drivel. I should be happy that Spermy, like Eggy, is so obvious and transparent. It makes my life and decisions so much easier. And if you are going to have a parentard like this one, let's hope they are as transparent and not bright enough to just realize they put out their true feelings on the INTERNET. I mean, I realize mine are out there, but I am not trying to reconcile with anyone. I am not trying to pretend there is a different story to one group of people, and then call Spermy a piece of shit hoping no one sees that. No alternate face that I am trying to present. I wasn't a perfect daughter by the way, but I was pefectly alright as a daughter. In fact, I think I went above and beyond what I was entitled and duty bound to do.
What was going on was only what my controlling parents confided or told me was going on. The way I was supposed to think and behave came on their direct orders. Veering from that course meant being beaten down (not physically but in other ways---see above) until compliance was once again achieved. Everything that happened to my parents was someone else's fault, including mine. I was the burden, and the burden was not supposed to speak out. God forbid!!
From the link above and actually posted on my site by S Donor "Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations," (wow, sorry my error, didn't realize I could have fed and clothed myself when I popped out). This is right up there with lines like "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you, so how dare you cut me out of your life." I mean is it such a stretch for a parent to not sexually or physically abuse their child? Do they give out some kind of award (that I am unaware of) for not sexually or physically abusing your child? And in my S Donor's case, it is so much more convienent to allow the monster to do it for you anyway. That way, your hands are never dirty...cause you didn't actually physically abuse your child.
The basic familial rules:
These rules are made to silence and repress. I was supposed to grow up a healthy willing....slave. Not a happy healthy adult, but someone willing to come to service on the whims of these people who "loved me". Silenced and repressed I was until about age 29. And then again still for the other parent until age 38. Those are some long, confused, depressing, and angry years that my life waited for me until I grabbed it and dragged it back to me. Oh yeah, at first I was terrified that my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents would no longer have anything to do with me. Then I thought, er, these are people you see a few times a year. (I am not saying that I don't like them or anything, but the reality to cleave on desperately to something that only hurts and diminishes you so you could see people on Christmas maybe?) Some of them still cleave onto the same or similar familial rules that I hung onto.
What is really too bad was that in college, I knew what I needed to do. If anyone is 18, in the same situation, and reading this....moving out on your own and finding your own way very well may prevent a lot of pain later on. It may even repair the relationship (though I am under no illusions in my case that is what would have happened).
You never do know though. When I was about to be married at 25, I became very upset that my grandmother did not seem excited and happy for me. (This will also be in my imprinting post) I was influenced, unfortunately, by the things my S Donor and E Donor said about my grandmother around me, and had never delved into our relationship on a personal basis. One might expect that I have a bit of trouble with this and relationships in general. I am not a trusting person, but I try to be more open minded and occaisionally let someone in.
Finally, I expressed my dissappointment to my grandmother. I was angry by that time, and it was not a calm sensible discussion on my end. My grandmother could have called back (after I hung up on her) and told me that I was totally out of line. Instead when the phone rang, and I picked it up (I had probably thought about not picking it up) the first words that I heard were "I am sorry". I realized then that I did not know my grandmother at all, and was instead reflecting back what others were imprinting on me about others. If I had been closer to my grandmother at that point, I could have probably undone some of the damage that my S Donor and Monster made on my grandparents and my relationship. They certaintly went on a smear campaign, and intentionally went after my relationships so that I would have no one (a very common strategy for these type of people).
In growing up, loosing relatives and friends, (talking to some of them towards the end) I realized that not being truthful and honest about how you feel DOES NOT AND NEVER WILL HEAL A RELATIONSHIP. Now it's one thing if someone consciously and knowing chooses to have a superficial relationship, and makes that decision knowing how or if it affects them and their life. I think it's another to internally hold a grudge and anger until it's too late, and that person did not have a chance to prove you wrong. I feel this is what happened with my aunt and my grandmother. There was a lot of anger there, but "duty" kept it from ever being discussed or resolved. Those familial rules, and I would like to believe that my aunt might have been surprised at the true spirit of my grandmother. Then again, my grandmother might have been someone else towards her.
This is another thing that "family" or "relatives" have a hard time understanding. The drinking eating man or woman with the smile on their face is never seen turning the corner and whispering into someone's ear unsavory details about the people they don't like. They missed the monster laughing at my grandmother because she spilled some cookie crumbs on the floor. They miss the mean spirited smirk when they turn their back. I don't think my S Donor has the capacity to love or like anyone. The moment those people are not useful to him, they are out. This is why his family situation right now is idyllic for him (talking immediate step monster, stepbro), because he is surrounded by others who are very very similar to him. And thank goodness they found each other instead of unsuspecting other people....again. They have already spread around their share of strife and unhappiness to those who accidentally stepped on their path.
The great thing is that for almost 6 years now, all tethers have been broken. I have found myself, and my strength to make my own imperfect relationships and try for more in my life. I have realized that I deserve more than what some people wanted to burden me with (my mistake in being born). The consistency of my donors allows those tethers to remain severed, and for me to enjoy the rest of my life. Still getting over this sure...but realizing the road is right and the paving gets better and better.
And yes, if you follow the links above, you will find that I had issues in my high school and college days. Issues that I had acknowledged and apologized for long ago. Issues that my Donors like to go back to and lovingly stroke and carress as their excuse for continued emotional and verbal abuse of me well into adulthood. If I had not said no to both of them once (and effectively ended my usefullness to either of them), then this behavior towards me would still continue. If you read my familial rules below, you will find out that is not allowed (saying no):) Well yes, the behavior towards me does still continue, but they have effectively been hacked out of my life, so it's just not as effective as it once was (plus I don't feel compelled to fetch them whatever they need on a whim). (for instance S Donor could not ask to take my collectibles for free so he could gift them to Brett with Monster's name on the card as he used to feel free to do). Yup, his daughter the handy Hallmark not store but give away, because you were born.
I was "trained" not to realize what was going on.
"Life is tough some times, people loose loved ones, they get cancer, they get hurt, bad things happen all of the time. The difference here is you have built a whole different reality about your life and you have left out all of the good that ever happened to you, and there was good before Rob." well yeah, most likely there were moments in my life that were good, not sure they all included dear old Spermy, however. See my reality is not real. Much like when I told him I was happy about his divorce to Eggy, I was wrong about that too (eyes roll).
"What I find interesting about your blog is how you can pass off half-truths as fact." What I find interesting about Spermy is that he starts off the conversation, but when I answer...he can not finish the conversation. See that would me listening and then in his case...justifying what a shit he is
"If this is the only way that we can communicate, I’ll give it a shot. I don’t usually read blogs." yeah, he gave this about as much of a shot as he gave being an actual parent LOL. Note the long suffering he will give it a shot, while he does not read such stupid drivel
What was going on was only what my controlling parents confided or told me was going on. The way I was supposed to think and behave came on their direct orders. Veering from that course meant being beaten down (not physically but in other ways---see above) until compliance was once again achieved. Everything that happened to my parents was someone else's fault, including mine. I was the burden, and the burden was not supposed to speak out. God forbid!!
From the link above and actually posted on my site by S Donor "Yes, your father worked two jobs for most of his life to put a roof over his families head, keep them feed, take them on summer vacations," (wow, sorry my error, didn't realize I could have fed and clothed myself when I popped out). This is right up there with lines like "I didn't sexually or physically abuse you, so how dare you cut me out of your life." I mean is it such a stretch for a parent to not sexually or physically abuse their child? Do they give out some kind of award (that I am unaware of) for not sexually or physically abusing your child? And in my S Donor's case, it is so much more convienent to allow the monster to do it for you anyway. That way, your hands are never dirty...cause you didn't actually physically abuse your child.
The basic familial rules:
- I will never be able to get along without my "family", specifically my parents. (I have to say if I take out three letters of this statement, I would be able to agree with this in my specific case).
- Parents can do no wrong, and children can do no right (unless you were following the parents directive, and even then if something went wrong that is the child's fault as well).
- Children need to forget parents wrong doings...not only forget but retell the tale and believe that lie. Parents can hold anything and everything against a child, especially and including the fact that they were born AND that they needed to feed you and cloth you for the first 18 years of your life.
- Children can never make a mistake, and any mistake made will be unforgivable whether it had anything to do with the parents or not. Parents can make as many mistakes as they would like, and the child better not even remember that it happened.
- Children will never show or express anger. EVER NO MATTER WHAT. Place that mask over the face, which was an accident anyway. Accidents don't get to express feelings or anger. Again, parents do get to express anger whether it's directed at the child, but really towards the other spouse. This is because, again, the child should not be there in the first place.
- THE CHILD WILL NEVER EVER, NOT EVEN WHEN THEY REACH ADULT AGE, EVER SAY TO NO THEIR PARENT.
- Oh, and you will procreate and bring forth grandchildren, or that will be yet another thing that you have done wrong. I did not experiment with that one to see how my children would be treated by their "loving grandparents". Other than I expect they would have either been ignored or treated like pawns to deliver messages, similar to the way I was treated. Or any of the other horror stories that other adult children have told of how their parents treat their children.
- The only people that a child is supposed to pay attention to or grieve for is the parent. A parent has every right to intrude their needs over a period of grief or sickness for that child or that child's loved ones.
These rules are made to silence and repress. I was supposed to grow up a healthy willing....slave. Not a happy healthy adult, but someone willing to come to service on the whims of these people who "loved me". Silenced and repressed I was until about age 29. And then again still for the other parent until age 38. Those are some long, confused, depressing, and angry years that my life waited for me until I grabbed it and dragged it back to me. Oh yeah, at first I was terrified that my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents would no longer have anything to do with me. Then I thought, er, these are people you see a few times a year. (I am not saying that I don't like them or anything, but the reality to cleave on desperately to something that only hurts and diminishes you so you could see people on Christmas maybe?) Some of them still cleave onto the same or similar familial rules that I hung onto.
What is really too bad was that in college, I knew what I needed to do. If anyone is 18, in the same situation, and reading this....moving out on your own and finding your own way very well may prevent a lot of pain later on. It may even repair the relationship (though I am under no illusions in my case that is what would have happened).
You never do know though. When I was about to be married at 25, I became very upset that my grandmother did not seem excited and happy for me. (This will also be in my imprinting post) I was influenced, unfortunately, by the things my S Donor and E Donor said about my grandmother around me, and had never delved into our relationship on a personal basis. One might expect that I have a bit of trouble with this and relationships in general. I am not a trusting person, but I try to be more open minded and occaisionally let someone in.
Finally, I expressed my dissappointment to my grandmother. I was angry by that time, and it was not a calm sensible discussion on my end. My grandmother could have called back (after I hung up on her) and told me that I was totally out of line. Instead when the phone rang, and I picked it up (I had probably thought about not picking it up) the first words that I heard were "I am sorry". I realized then that I did not know my grandmother at all, and was instead reflecting back what others were imprinting on me about others. If I had been closer to my grandmother at that point, I could have probably undone some of the damage that my S Donor and Monster made on my grandparents and my relationship. They certaintly went on a smear campaign, and intentionally went after my relationships so that I would have no one (a very common strategy for these type of people).
In growing up, loosing relatives and friends, (talking to some of them towards the end) I realized that not being truthful and honest about how you feel DOES NOT AND NEVER WILL HEAL A RELATIONSHIP. Now it's one thing if someone consciously and knowing chooses to have a superficial relationship, and makes that decision knowing how or if it affects them and their life. I think it's another to internally hold a grudge and anger until it's too late, and that person did not have a chance to prove you wrong. I feel this is what happened with my aunt and my grandmother. There was a lot of anger there, but "duty" kept it from ever being discussed or resolved. Those familial rules, and I would like to believe that my aunt might have been surprised at the true spirit of my grandmother. Then again, my grandmother might have been someone else towards her.
This is another thing that "family" or "relatives" have a hard time understanding. The drinking eating man or woman with the smile on their face is never seen turning the corner and whispering into someone's ear unsavory details about the people they don't like. They missed the monster laughing at my grandmother because she spilled some cookie crumbs on the floor. They miss the mean spirited smirk when they turn their back. I don't think my S Donor has the capacity to love or like anyone. The moment those people are not useful to him, they are out. This is why his family situation right now is idyllic for him (talking immediate step monster, stepbro), because he is surrounded by others who are very very similar to him. And thank goodness they found each other instead of unsuspecting other people....again. They have already spread around their share of strife and unhappiness to those who accidentally stepped on their path.
The great thing is that for almost 6 years now, all tethers have been broken. I have found myself, and my strength to make my own imperfect relationships and try for more in my life. I have realized that I deserve more than what some people wanted to burden me with (my mistake in being born). The consistency of my donors allows those tethers to remain severed, and for me to enjoy the rest of my life. Still getting over this sure...but realizing the road is right and the paving gets better and better.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Well If Nothing Else Spermy is CONSISTENTLY a Dickhead
I love consistency. I use it very much in dog training, as the communication is so much more clear. "Loving" and oh "so sorry" Spermy went to the local flea market today. Obviously, NOT realizing that we set up there every week or so.
I was at home waiting for some dog owners, when on the phone with hubby, he said that he saw Spermy poking about. Now Robert has lost sixty pounds, and is at a weight that perhaps Spermy never saw him at before. Course we have had the bright yellow Nissan with my company name on it for sometime, but I am guessing that I genetically have the lack of observation from Spermy. Another proof that as mystifying as it is, we apparently are related and this was no mistake (no switched babies at the hospital sadly enough for me).
I had thought Spermy McHasPutOnThePoundsandisStillaMiserableSonofaBitch would probably be gone by the time I got there. But of course husband made me look and see him by pointing. Now it's one thing to treat me like shit on a stick (after all I ruined his life not only by being born, but talking about the unacknowledged truth of my childhood and adult life with Spermy),
My husband tells me Spermy McShitHead actually wandered into our booth. Looked around at things (now I have always been into Snoopy, Barbie, and Tea), which really should have rung a bell in his brain, which has apparently not expanded as much as his girth (yeah, good luck stepbro with taking care of the old folks, as they are certainly not going to make it easy for you). Then, according to Robert's report, their eyes meet. Robert makes a smile. Spermy squints and then grimaces at him.
Oh sorry, was it Robert badgering you while your mother was dying about whether his wife should sell their house or not? Oh maybe it was Robert calling your spouse to turn her on you? No that F wad was him. If anyone should be grimaced at JackOFF, it should be him.
I should really thank him though for consistently being the total piece of shit that he is.
I was at home waiting for some dog owners, when on the phone with hubby, he said that he saw Spermy poking about. Now Robert has lost sixty pounds, and is at a weight that perhaps Spermy never saw him at before. Course we have had the bright yellow Nissan with my company name on it for sometime, but I am guessing that I genetically have the lack of observation from Spermy. Another proof that as mystifying as it is, we apparently are related and this was no mistake (no switched babies at the hospital sadly enough for me).
I had thought Spermy McHasPutOnThePoundsandisStillaMiserableSonofaBitch would probably be gone by the time I got there. But of course husband made me look and see him by pointing. Now it's one thing to treat me like shit on a stick (after all I ruined his life not only by being born, but talking about the unacknowledged truth of my childhood and adult life with Spermy),
My husband tells me Spermy McShitHead actually wandered into our booth. Looked around at things (now I have always been into Snoopy, Barbie, and Tea), which really should have rung a bell in his brain, which has apparently not expanded as much as his girth (yeah, good luck stepbro with taking care of the old folks, as they are certainly not going to make it easy for you). Then, according to Robert's report, their eyes meet. Robert makes a smile. Spermy squints and then grimaces at him.
Oh sorry, was it Robert badgering you while your mother was dying about whether his wife should sell their house or not? Oh maybe it was Robert calling your spouse to turn her on you? No that F wad was him. If anyone should be grimaced at JackOFF, it should be him.
I should really thank him though for consistently being the total piece of shit that he is.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
How Some of The Rest of My Family "Works"
My father's siblings seem to have a "similar" condition in their relationships as my father has. One actually does seem to have a close relationship with two of their children (of the three). The other does not seem to notice that their relationship is a bit strained with all three of their children. With other people (like offspring) their relationships are very superficial. Basically seeing these people a few times a year, but able to bring up the "family" card while not knowing these people at all.
When my step monster woke me up from a sound sleep with a slap (because Spermy said to go to sleep, he would do the dishes, but when she came home the dishes were not done), Eggy called one of the siblings thinking that they would give support. What happened was I was called up, and told this was not that bad. Oh,okay, let me drop by your house one night, walk into your bedroom while you are sleeping, and slap you across the face. Or perhaps welcome you back into your childhood home by standing at the top of the stairs screaming "you are not letting that bitch into my home". Then you can live everyday like that, without any money or escape, and see how comfortable your life is as you figure out how to get back out of it.
Spermy's siblings were supposed to be my "God Parents" by the way. Yeah, I felt really safe and loved. So here is a message that I send one of Spermy's siblings spouse (ie my aunt or uncle by marriage), who reached out not to me (and hasn't ever bothered to talk to me about this or reach out and find out if I am okay ever and this has been going on for six years) but on Spermy's "behalf" (not that he has shown any interest).
I never got any response from this message sent November 2010 (surprising as they were all interested in reaching out via third party) from this "relative". Relationships in this family as about as deep as the width of an atom. Why bother?
When my step monster woke me up from a sound sleep with a slap (because Spermy said to go to sleep, he would do the dishes, but when she came home the dishes were not done), Eggy called one of the siblings thinking that they would give support. What happened was I was called up, and told this was not that bad. Oh,okay, let me drop by your house one night, walk into your bedroom while you are sleeping, and slap you across the face. Or perhaps welcome you back into your childhood home by standing at the top of the stairs screaming "you are not letting that bitch into my home". Then you can live everyday like that, without any money or escape, and see how comfortable your life is as you figure out how to get back out of it.
Spermy's siblings were supposed to be my "God Parents" by the way. Yeah, I felt really safe and loved. So here is a message that I send one of Spermy's siblings spouse (ie my aunt or uncle by marriage), who reached out not to me (and hasn't ever bothered to talk to me about this or reach out and find out if I am okay ever and this has been going on for six years) but on Spermy's "behalf" (not that he has shown any interest).
I never got any response from this message sent November 2010 (surprising as they were all interested in reaching out via third party) from this "relative". Relationships in this family as about as deep as the width of an atom. Why bother?
- D,
I had a nice talk with R yesterday. I thought it only fair that I drop you a line as well. Decisions that I make in my adult life have not been made easily and not without some pain. I know you are thinking of this from what you percieve Spermy's side may be or as you yourself would as a father. I further know that since you don't know me at all, you are not going to be able to understand what it's like to be me.
However, I am a person with feelings, and it does hurt to get a message sent to me through another person that I am close to. R felt they had to talk to my cousin about this, but this is not my cousin's fault or problem. My cousin spends time coming here, getting to know me, and we have a good time and discussions about personal and painful things that are private.
I know that you and R identify yourself as my "family". As so, it would have been more appropriate for you to have picked up the phone and talked to me yourself. I would have probably told you it was a private matter, and that's okay. Had we more time together, or an interest in me as a person rather than the offspring of someone you are fond of, we could have possibly had a deeper conversation.
The point is, that it hurts for me. No, I do not want a relationship with Spermy. For me a relationship or family is one that spends time and genuine interest in me. It is not someone I see five holidays out of the year, but whom thinks it;s okay to be abusive towards me any other day. I think Spermy can live without the two hours of conversation that we would have during the year. I did try at one time to have one on one time, but that was not what he was interested in. That's fine, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.
When I mentioned I was in a "good place" to R, they said something like "we are happy for all the things that you have", which is kind of a weird thing to say. What I have is people who love and support me. Life is fleeting and short, and I intend to spend that time with people who love me and I love them.
Tradition and "should does" do not mean much to me when they are not meant with true feeling and purpose. Please remember that I am a human being who has gone through some very painful stuff in her life. I don't appreciate these awful memories being sprung on me around the holidays, and if you wish to do that you should at least do it with me in person.
I hope you understand. I hope that this does not make you feel bad, but it is something I had to say.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Shrinking Family
Robert and I are doing great on our weight loss goals. It hasn't been easy in some ways, and easy in other ways. Just good old fashion watching what we are eating and exercising. We did get some tips from a nutritionist that were helpful as follows (and simple);
Only news on the Spermy front is that we were recently at a flea market. One of my dad's old friends, who incidentally lives right next to his summer house and has for ages, saw me and came to say hello. Apparently Spermy never goes to see his old friend, and when he does see him, he disappears inside the house. This is someone who sold the summer house to him, very low, because they were friends, and no doubt he thought Spermy would keep up the friendship in some way. His friend actually asked ME to say hi to my dad for me. I didn't have the heart to tell him I haven't talked to Spermy in over five years. This is just the way Spermy treats people, dispose of them once they have given you what you wanted. Nice. At least it's not just me Spermy treats this way.
- Do this together which has always been a problem. One or the other was attempting, and then "the temptations" would come in (and I am not talking about the singing group).
- Food shopping together (we have not been doing so great on this lately).
- Eating the same meals (we do this a lot more, but sometimes are tastes still differ).
- Eating more vegetables (never a problem for me, and husband discovered he likes carrots and sweet potatoes after all).
- Two thirds of plate should be vegetables. (better on this but not up to two thirds all the time)
- First word in bread and cereal ingredients should be whole.
- Three meals, and two snacks a day.
- When you wake up, eat no more than 1 hour after waking (I have not been so great on this).
- Start exercising slowly(have been good on this)
- Make menu plans (was good on this in the beginning, but now that we basically know what we are going to be eating, we don't bother so much anymore).
Only news on the Spermy front is that we were recently at a flea market. One of my dad's old friends, who incidentally lives right next to his summer house and has for ages, saw me and came to say hello. Apparently Spermy never goes to see his old friend, and when he does see him, he disappears inside the house. This is someone who sold the summer house to him, very low, because they were friends, and no doubt he thought Spermy would keep up the friendship in some way. His friend actually asked ME to say hi to my dad for me. I didn't have the heart to tell him I haven't talked to Spermy in over five years. This is just the way Spermy treats people, dispose of them once they have given you what you wanted. Nice. At least it's not just me Spermy treats this way.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
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