Saturday, September 15, 2012

Lacking Anything Beneath The Surface

There are people in this world that seem to have very little depth to them.   Or this is not something that they give in their relationships to other people.   They like to have fun, and they like the "appearance" of a relationship.

I appreciate depth in a relationship and an individual.   This does not mean you need to spill your guts to me all day each time we see each other, but this means I see a glimmer of something beneath the surface every now and again that is attractive (or not).   You know that we have more to talk about than jobs, cars, clothes, people we both know, parties, vacations ET.   When they tell me they hurt, I can empathize.   When I tell them I hurt, they can empathize.   When they tell me of their good fortune, I am happy for them.   When I tell them of my good fortune, they are happy for me.   When a disturbing incident happens to them, I support them.   When a disturbing incident happens to me, they support me.   When something interests them, I engage them in conversations to draw this out.   When something interests me, they engage me in conversations to bring this out.

This is on my mind, because I finally had the one on one telephone conversations with the last hanger oner of my FOO.   The conversation actually went fine, but it just brought home the lack of depth in this person.   It also brought home in how I am always taken by surprise at this from some members of my FOO, although I have been aware of it (and seen heard and experienced the truth of it) for so many years.

Which brings me to why I never acknowledged it for the length of time I didn't...   It is hard to hold someone accountable to something they lack by their very nature of being.   It seems akin to being mad at someone because they were born without a limb.   They just don't have that...thing.   And when they are related to you, you feel it's your moral obligation to ignore the hurt this might cause you.   At first it even may feel like no hurt is being done to you, but the adjustments for the sake of pleasing this "one way" person or presenting things in a light so as not to rock the "appearances" of a situation grate on your soul and your ability to be yourself one bit at a time.   Until you look back one day, and find less of your authentic self there, being smothered in order to please someone, who could quite frankly care less about you.

Why do they come if that is the case?   Because people who have depth give them the very supply that they need.   People who were brought up by parents also exhibiting these personality disorders, probably do this more so without asking anything in return or even expecting it.   The supply may be something that was asked to be a material thing or service, but really what the victim is always giving is that piece of themselves away that makes them them.   Until one day the victim looks at themselves and doesn't even recognize this person anymore.   Then the question comes, how did this come about?   Because it was allowed to come about, that is why.

I do not allow myself to give away little pieces of me any more (at least consciously).   Although I am giving the relationship one more chance, I am really really questioning why.   I certainly don't want to keep a relationship open for the sake of the appearances that others hold so dear.   Ugh, I don't know why I left that door open.   Guess we will see what that brings in the future.   I just hope that I did not wimp out again, by avoiding doing what is really best for me, and not to waste my time on things that are lacking substance or meaning.

I had one last important thought to share about this situation, but it has escaped me.   Perhaps it will come back to me later in the day.


Kara said...

Fantastic Post WSP! I relate to it so much and like you I keep giving some relationships one more chance. I suppose a part of us just wants to believe that there must be something -anything- below their surface and you can't bring yourself to completely give up unless you're a 100% sure.

mulderfan said...

It's human nature to hold onto one little shred of hope.

But, yeah, I've had people advise me to "duty" visit the NFOO and avoid any conversation that might incite NF, swallow my feelings, not make waves, blah, blah, blah...None of this "To thine own self be true shit."

Except, that is EXACTLY what they want and when they get it they want more until there's nothing left of ME! Besides, the "act like a mouse" duty visit didn't work anyway.

Now if someone thinks I should lie down so my NFOO can wipe their feet, they're outta my life too.

Mona said...

Great post! I think that is how connections are made with people. There isn't really a connection with someone when you only talk about the surface.

I used to say often that my bf's family talk about nothing. I often had a hard time spending an enormous amount of time with them and having a conversation that is about nothing. B/c work, holidays, etc. is small talk which you cover in a few minutes or with people you don't know. But somehow they could make that kind of convo last for 2 weeks during the holidays.

Thanks for writing this; it makes me look at some relationships differently and my own comments to people. xx T Reddy

Anonymous said...

I feel i'm this boat, but I feel selfish because i'm so disappointed by the lack of depth that I find myself wanting to completely disconnect from those relationships. Especially family. I want to mourn it like a death and not look back. Is it asking to much to just be completely honest without getting wrapped up in emotions and deal with problems or at least a resolution.

Winterskiprincess said...

It's hard to run away from your own emotions or wish for a resolution. I for one had the fairy tale playing in my head for awhile where my family would look at me with understanding and give me a hug.

Short end to story, that is not what happened. I'm sorry you find yourself in this place. It's not fun, and it takes a long time to decide on the course and then accept that you picked the right course for you.