30 and 25 Year Memorial

 This year is the roughly 30th year that I have not talked to my "mother" and 25 years (more or less) that I have talked to my "father".  By "talked," I mean in person or over the phone.   I am not talking about any digital conversations that have cropped up on this blog or my "mother's" blog (snickers.typepad.com or estrangements.com).  It's been about 9 years since my last post on here or anywhere about estrangement.

People still find and read this blog, which surprised me. I just looked at my blog stats.  So many people out there are dealing with this issue in various and unique ways.  If this is you, I am sorry you are going through this.   I hope this blog and others like it have done someone some good.  This is not a club anyone wants to be in.   So I hope maybe some of my coping and brain dump helped some person.

I remain convinced that this (estrangement) was the healthiest thing I could do for myself 30 and 25 years ago.  It took many years, obviously, to come to terms and peace with estranging myself from my parents.   While it was the right thing fo me, that does not make it an easy thing.   I still deal with issues of trust, communication, and creating relationships outside of my marriage.   I probably always will to some extent.  The one accomplishment is that I am at peace with this and have been for many years now.

The other option, just allowing the continued emotional and psychological abuse,  was not tenable for me, and I have posted many times in this blog about this.   Previously, doing that caused more damage (to myself) than good.   I hope if you are in this situation, you have found your way no matter the direction that you went/go in.  

This life is hard.   Do what is good for you and your future.

To those of you still figuring out what is best for you, something true and funny....

2014 Had Almost No Space Rented by The Donors in My Head

This will only be the third post in this blog this year!   That is quite an accomplishment for me, and a sign that I am well into the healing process from my toxic family relations.

Be well and keep on exploring your feelings until you get through to the healing side.   No my life is not perfect, in fact we had a super stressful year.  I thought land developers only came after you in movies, but that is just not so.   We are winning, but we got involved in a fight for our lively hood and property this year, due to unethical practices of land developer who knows the system well.

So 2014 is being kicked to the curb this year, but NOT because my toxic family had any part at all in it:)   So at least I did not have that adding to my stress level.

Could have done without the land developer too, but that is life.

Found this very appropriate

Damage that can happen in your subconscious although consciously you never thought it would.

First of all, things have been great as far as the "no contact".   Not a peep either directly, indirectly, or via the internet.  No weird strangers contacting me (who know absolutely nothing about me) asking me to comment on something my donors have said.   No pleas from "family members" via third parties to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable so their buddies (my donor(s)) feel good (it's never any concern about me).

Then I was thinking of the poems I used to write my pets when they died.   I thought about this, because it linked to the more recent posts to "family members" dying, and that made me think of other grief.   Then I thought why didn't I write poems for Mustache, Leon, Jackie, Stormy, and Jazz.   And this made me immediately think of something my NM blogged about how I apparently like to write sappy poems.

I did not even realize this was subconsciously affecting me.   Granted I am no artist with words, I know that.   This is not why I wrote these memorials to my pets (and a couple of love poems to my husband).   It was to somehow represent something that I was feeling inside in that moment.   Because NM could not accept that I was no longer her victim, she needed to take a mean spirited shot at me.   And I knew that, but thought at the time this would never affect me.

Now I wonder where those poems are and if they have been saved.   It's like that day that side of me just shut down for someone I had decided some time ago was not worth my while.   Certainly not worth these examples of emotional abuse that was her side of our relationship!

Others have said it's not that ONE thing.   It's the constant barrage of things.   I for one am so glad that barrage has stopped, so I can continue to get my feet under me and reclaim myself.   I love the way those goofy poems make me feel now, remembering how I felt then.   So now I will be working on memorials to my other lost pets.

Try not to let people diminish those parts of you.   It's hard because sometimes you do not know it happened until much much later, as it happens subconsciously.

Or, someone can realize the person in front of them is not someone they care to know

"Someone can be a good person and still believe untruths. This is what inspired me to write about Being Wrong. Because I believe that many good people believe bad things about other good people who don't deserve being so maligned. After all, it is said that you have to demonize someone before you can hate them. It's a lot harder to dislike and hate someone who really is a nice enough person. So, to estrange them successfully, it helps to demonize, demonize, demonize!!"

No, for me, it was a very painful look at the reality of the situation.  My NM is not a monster or a demon.   She is just someone I don't want in my life.   So many examples of why including her blog and postings about me on other sites that were "not meant for my eyes", as an explanation.

That's fine, but there is no reason to again point the finger of blame at me, and continue to not recognize my valid reasons for estrangement that have been laid out for her (and certainly not denied by her).   It's statements like these that have me shaking my head.