Monday, February 13, 2012
Communication for the remedial student
The direct and blunt me is more me, but had been more harsh than I wish to be later on in my life. Pent up anger came out in a whoosh. I guess it had to. Is there another way for something held, suppressed, and held in a head lock to the floor to come out? It was an angry beast waiting to eat the villagers that tormented it for so long. The villagers were more than deserving of that anger, but internally in me that is not the way I want to feel in any long term way.
Now that I have managed who I have contact with, and how those relationships develop or don't... I am a much happier centered and balanced person. I'm not saying that the instinct to take down a toxic person with a lawn mower does not rear it's head, but the knowledge that I control how and whether I react at all (that I do now have this power, and am not powerless to the onslaught of emotional and verbal abuse NOR do I need to abuse my power in my ability to hurt back) helps me not be sucked into a void where my power and energy is being sucked into someone else's endless void of need(especially when they are literally a virtual stranger).
I have to say that I still have time being blunt about my boundaries. I have an acquaintance for instance that tends to come over at the last minute for favors. No thought that they are not expected, they might be interrupting my day or my plans. Also to make matters worse, not in the interests of (always) paying an actual visit. Instead of being honest with the person, which I could have been, I simply was sure to send them away when they called without explanation. My husband was finally upfront with them, and we all had a nice talk about it.
Relationships are hard, and I was avoiding the communication portion of this relationship. BTW, before anyone claims it is so, I DID communicate with my donors and step. That is the reason that our relationship cut off, because they could not respect boundaries like this. This acquaintance, however, does respect these boundaries, and I did them a disservice by not talking to them directly about it. Probably because of my prior history with how these conversations go with people who are less than empathetic towards others.
I just need to remember to extend my courtesy to those that may care about me, while also remembering that I do not need to engage with those who truly don't.