Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A Revised Fairy Tale for My Mother

This is written as if I was my mother, not me.

Once upon a time I became pregnant by a man I did not love, much less like or know. While I despised my parents and would subject my newborn to the abuse at their house, I felt totally justified in moving in and wedding this man that I did not love. I did tell him that, and now fault him for not seeing what a selfish bitch I really was at the time. Clearly everything is about me, and it is my right to use everyone.

My child was my delight in that she was totally dependent on me and under my control. I used to like to play the game with her, with her dysfunctional dad of who do you like better? When I was interested in spending time with her I did, and when I wasn't I didn't. We spent much time yelling in front of her, and subjecting her to our relationship which was never "right". From an early age my daughter became my confidant and sounding board. I started teaching her about sex at five years old, so the same "accident" wouldn't happen to her.

I claimed to be a feminist, and did in fact go to college and get my masters mostly funding it through state funds, yet still whine about it that my husband went first. Course he actually used the degree that he studied for to make most of the money, but I will still find a problem with it for ever. It also allowed me to spend time with my cherished daughter.

When my daughter was in first grade, I became knowledgeable (supposedly according to Ginny) about the abuse of a teacher to her. Actual physical abuse. But I allowed it, because my husband did not want me to do otherwise.

As soon as my daughter hit her early teens, it was time to let her in on our sexual dysfunction as well. Hite reports, playboys, and penthouses were left around the house. I encouraged my daughter to read the Hite report so she wouldn't have the dismal sex life that I had.

The yelling increased, and soon my daughter had the good sense to stop participating in family dinners by having them up in her room. She started to have a mind of her own, so time spent with her was mostly grousing at her, intimating that she had a learning disorder (and never doing anything about it) or that something was wrong with HER. Oh no, it could not have been the dismal family environment to which she was enslaved to.

AT her age of 16, I decided instead of getting a divorce and going on with my life, to start an affair during my marriage. Something else that is totally acceptable for me to do, due to my own decision to enter into a loveless marriage. My daughter got to come home from school when I had "friends" over, and find us in the kitchen being very quiet when she came in. I let her wonder for awhile what was going on.

Finally, right before she graduated high school, I decided to leave. I left her with her father who I despised and knew was verbally abusive towards her. I claim to have cared there was no room in my new apartment for her to visit, but the truth is that a cot could have easily been set up. I was far to absorbed in my new life to have a relationship with her.

When finally I decided to bring her to the Cape for a visit, I mentioned we should go to the mall. My daughter then had the unfortunate message from her dad that she did not know to be a problem. I promptly drove off while she stood in the parking lot wondering what she did wrong or if I would bother to come back for her. I did after an hour or two. Then I screamed at her for giving me the message. Clearly this was her fault. All of it. I then wanted to go to a Brown concert to which my daughter was not interested in, as she was 19 and liked music of her actual generation. Instead of going by myself and enjoying it, I blamed my daughter for me not going as she was next in line to provide happiness in my life and cater to me alone. Silly girl, she wanted to go to the beach, and listen to her music on her welcoming. Especially since I always just love to drag her to jazz concerts before that were not her style nor did she like. How dare she not want to go this one time.

Later on, I decided I would just let her find something out not from me personally, but through her father. The first thing that I let her discover for herself, was my affair. She got to hear it when she came home one evening, and her father was talking to his brother about it. Then after he hung up, she got to be yelled at by her father as if she had the affair or had some knowledge of it.

The second thing I let her learn without talking to her directly about, was my marriage to my new husband. I sent a letter to her father, which he again read to her in a tone that suggested she must have known about that too. Later when I received a Christmas present for our joint house, I made sure to berate her about the china which she had personally liked. Later on I was sure to ask for the correct quality and quantity of my gifts, even though I was never pleased or thankful for anything she gave me.

Later on when her father did not want to pay her tuition bill, I openly encouraged her to sue her father since my divorce settlement said he would pay for her college. My daughter decided against that. Then when she was picking up some of her stuff at her father's house, I suggested she go in when he didn't know, and snoop and steal some stuff that I wanted without his permission. She didn't think that was such a good idea either.

I had many lovely visits with Robin besides the Cape visit. Many times she flew over or road over to spend time with me, it used to be for a whole week in the beginning, the moment she wanted to spend days only, I was sure to give her a hard time and guilt trip about that too. Meanwhile, I couldn't be bothered to spend more than six hours with her.

There was the trip to visit her in college. Despite the fact that apparently I knew what it was like to be poor, I had to berate her about the quality of the apartment (not that it wasn't clean or anything) and the best bed that her and her roommate had given up for me. It wasn't enough, and although my daughter said goodnight and asked if everything was all right, I expected her to check on me several times, and even though there was nothing in her power to do, apparently I wanted her to secure a master suite with me for the night. Not that I ever did the same for her, when her and her husband visited they slept on the floor in the fifty degree house I kept for them. My daughter really enjoyed my company on that trip (the one at her college).

Well let's see, then there was her marriage. I was sure to proceed that with phone calls about my abysmal marriage, how I didn't like marriage, how I didn't like her father. I was sure not to have any pleasant kind of conversation whatsoever about plans et. Her in law family had an elaborate according to me (it was lunch at a restaurant) to welcome her into the family. I couldn't even be bothered to show up on time that night. When I did, guess what the topic of conversation was? My Mercedes and her father. On the day of the wedding when I knew my daughter was having her hair done and doing other wedding related things, I suggested that instead of me picking up her grandmother, that she do it. I also watched as the neighbor helped my daughter into her gown, instead of showing the slightest interest in the proceedings. At the ceremony, I was sure to drag her aunt outside so she could tell Tony about my new Mercedes. I went home shortly thereafter.

Then there was her graduation that fell right near mothers day. I was going up, and her father was going to be there, so I talked ad nauseum about her father to her, even though she didn't want to hear it. It was the ONE mother's day that my daughter did not bother to call, as she didn't want to hear about it any more or worry about it during her graduation. As usual while taking pictures of her, and she was enjoying the moment, and much the same as I did at the wedding, I was sure to tell her to take the stupid look off her face rather than just wait for something I liked, or heavens forbid participating in the celebration with her. I would just so much rather give her things than my time or energy. That's being servile to someone not caring.

A couple of years after this, her husband fell ill due to a problem with his colon. I sent him his birthday presents (which I had never bothered to do before) several months after his birthday. I had sent my used clothes to my daughter as part of her birthday package of generosity that year, as well as other stuff that she didn't need or want, but was always polite enough to thank me for. I wanted my birthday to be just perfect. Hadn't I been the perfect mother for my daughter? Hadn't I been ungrateful enough for my prior gifts? So her husband's in the hospital, how dare she become enraged at me because I am such a selfish hypocritical person?

She said no to me one time. I had to harass her and stalk her for life after that, didn't I? She must submit. But it's me that's being servile of course, not selfish and uncaring at all.

Oh yes, and then there was my blog and my postings on an internet group. The first lie that I enjoyed telling was that my daughter estranged herself from my grandmother because my mother stood up for me. I did this full well knowing that my mother had called up my daughter in the past, and threatened suicide. I said I did not know this, but I knew that she called when we weren't there, and I further heard the lengthy voice mail messages she left when I knew my daughter was at home. Plus we had discussed this in the past.

Then the next lie I told after I discovered that my daughter felt I was unbalanced and sick, was that she had no felt nothing when her grandfather and step brother passed away. I purposely posted this right after she had said this and I found out, knowing there was no way she would find this out on this public group. Unfortunately, find out she did after I challenged her to find out what a good and loving mother I was.

The defaced wedding picture on my blog is about my favorite. And although my daughter profusely thanked me for the photos, I had to once again bitch that on her website she did not credit me for the photos.

Oh, yes, then there was the personal stuff that I had no right taking off her website and putting it on mine, but I did anyway, with my twisted and obviously flawed version of the truth.

Now, I want my daughter to have a relationship with me. I have never apologized for not one of these things. I have apologized for not knowing what to do after my incredible selfishness when her husband was in the hospital. You know, she put up with it for months before cutting me out completely, and then hung in there in and out for a couple more years. Boy my daughter is dumb.

I hope she is much smarter now.

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