Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Trying not to be passive aggressive here

The title of my post states that this blog has not been about all family members.  That is true, if you aren't talking about my side of the family LOL.   I have had some major growth points, where I no longer accepted being treated like the black sheep of the family by any and all family members.   It was no longer okay for these "family members" to drop in unannounced for their "duty visit" because they happened to be in the area once or twice a year.  Then it was expected that I drop everything because they deigned to show up on my doorstep one day.  (Often with one agenda or another in mind)  That or the annual Christmas card, which I just stopped returning.   I mean who are we kidding.  

For the family that matters to me, we get together whenever we can.   Which may not be frequent, but is meaningful.  They are not perfect either, but  they have real feelings, thoughts, and caring to share.   My side of the family (excluding my grandparents), it's all just superficial.   I am over it, I have been over it, and I have said it again and again.   Now I am just trying to figure out how to communicate this to the last hanger oner of the "duty call" and very huge favor to me with the bestowal of their last minute unplanned for company, which comes with an agenda and things to worry about.  You know. like:

  1. Not to mention their visit so their girlfriend, fiance, or whatever does not find out about it for God knows what reason.  Yes, I have not had enough dysfunctional relationships in my life, now I need to worry about yours.   I get to be intimately involved in it.  Here is a solution, don't come here.   Or tell your girlfriend you are coming here.   And leave me the FUCK out of it.
  2. Did I mention the last minute drop overs.   The last one occurred while I was travelling back from an eight hour day from a dog show.   They wanted to be sure they were STILL their to greet me.   I wanted a nap and a stiff drink.   Luckily I took to long (perhaps it was that ice cream detour with my dog that just happened after I knew they were at my house) for them to be there.   Too bad, so sad.   I did however get to worry about how I was going to rouse myself to entertain their asses.  Or plaster on a smile as if I was utterly thrilled to see them.
  3. As 2 would indicate, there is never a thought that we have lives, and sometimes it is not convenient for us to have visitors unannounced or announcing they are coming by the day before.
  4. The one visit we had a good time (again last minute so I had a hard time clearing my schedule), we went to the beach.   I had to keep travelling back and forth to take care of the dogs.   Anyway, later I put up some pictures of all at the beach.   This person put up such a stink because they didn't think they looked good in the picture, and I took it down.   But the friggin drama and agenda this person has all the time.
  5. The time I saw this person the most was during their divorce.   And we got to be regaled with every online woman they were going to hook up with.   And you know, that was okay because I knew they were having a hard time.   A little tiring for me to feign interest.   We also got to hear every nasty thing he had to say about his ex.  And while there are some fronts I would agree on, this person is not a stupid person, and she was described as such and/or someone who needed to provide certain services.   As a woman, I thought the things that were said did not show just a lack of respect for his ex (and mother of his children), but a huge lack of respect for woman in general.
  6. Unless something has happened directly to this person, they can not empathize with the going ons in others lives.  And even if it did happen to them and they say can imagine, it is only in context to their narrow experience.
  7. And lastly, one of those people who is pretty sure that the world revolves around them.  I do have other friends like that, but there is a portion of their personality that is interested in other people and things.
  8. Also this person has no problem sending me messages through my husband, instead of talking to me directly.   Or sending me messages from other relatives about my estrangement from Spermy (not my lack of interest in them, or their "interest" in me, which is non existent).
So perhaps right this moment is not the time to have a direct conversation, cause I am kinda really annoyed.  I am annoyed really at myself, because in my husband being clear not to drop by last minute the last time, I said if you want to plan a visit, you could come on this covetted week.  And I don't want them to come at all.   That was really a "duty" response on my part.   I am really not sure that I want to continue a relationship at all.

The reasons of this person for continuing a relationship with "me" is not about just duty.   For awhile, my husband was doing him personal favors.   Then I think he needs other couples to hang around with his girlfriend, and to show that he "cares" about family no matter how superficial that might be.   So I feel always on stage, always being judged, and if I am being granted some sort of favor.   If this person was not related to me, and someone I did not see once or twice a year for the first 18 years of my life, I would have zero to do with them.   I have been somewhat touched that they have sought to keep in contact with me, but as I have stressed that was not really their motivation.

And now they are taking up my time by me having to think up ways to tell them politely to FUCK OFF.  I am so over relationships like this that are draining rather than a give and take.


mulderfan said...

We only get one shot at this thing called life and wasting any part of it spending time with people such as you describe just doesn't cut it.

There's no polite way to tell someone that socially inept that dropping by is not OK. Fuck off may not be blunt enough!

This doesn't sound like a "have to" situation but the older I get the more I lean toward "want to".

Winterskiprincess said...

You know, I went with a speedily written e-mail. It came down to, do I want to do the right thing or do I really want to do the expedient thing so I can enjoy my birthday week. So I did the expedient thing.

I've spent to much time trying to do the "right" thing for people who could basically care less about me.

Winterskiprincess said...

The "want to" always comes with associated guilt doesn't it LOL. My relative sent a nice reply with a love you on the end. That is nice. So we will see where it goes.

Winterskiprincess said...

LOL what am I talking about? The "have to" comes with it's associated guilt at first too. Though I am way over that.

Winterskiprincess said...

What really REALLY pisses me off, is that I always end up in guilt and tears about these things. I am pissed off at myself. I am such a pussy.

mulderfan said...

That's how I feel too. Pissed that I'm such a fucking doormat...again!

Winterskiprincess said...

LOL, well then I am in good company.