Friday, February 03, 2006

Hopefully Till This Summer Then

I was so upset at some points this year. My father had e-mailed me that he couldn't believe I had "blown it all out of proportion". I thought whatever, and it gave me the incentive to lop off that relationship once and for all. I felt good after it, and I have felt good except for one nightmare where I dreamed my dad was stepping on my face and yanking all my teeth out with a wrench. I might have my posting on that previously. I knew what that dream meant, and once I acknowledged that I won't be missing out on anything, and don't in fact love him anyway, well it started getting a lot easier.

The last blow up with my mom via the internet such as it was, was a great freeing experience for me. Before this, I had imagined her remorseful and contrite. Wanting to apologize and not knowing how. Now I know that my orginal assessment of her as a selfish, manipulative, and controlling woman was right on target.

It's not that I am glad about that, much the contrary. I had a lot of grief when I realized that was the case. However, it has freed me from the guilt I had been carrying for 10 years about my breaking off my relationship with this woman.

Unfortunately, I was a product of people who are not nice, and do not know what love (my definition) is. It's not even that, that I can't live with. I can't live with the continuing abuse. The implication that you are not worthy of my dad, not as good as your step brother just not not not not, just drains on you even if you know it isn't true. You just can't go on for years and years like that. Or if you do, you end up being someone you don't like. My dad's complete acceptance of the abuse doled out by my step mother, is completely unforgivable to me. I shouldn't have let it go 18 years ago, and I am glad I put a stop to it this last October, although I could have never guessed that would be the outcome.

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