Lessons From Been There Done That

This probably won't help anyone.   I wish that when I was younger, I had met someone older that had been through this, and that they could have shared their thoughts with me early on.  I am providing this list not to beat myself up, as I know I did not have the skills or the knowledge to do anything differently at the time.   However, there may be a young adult struggling out there, and not feeling they are able to grasp their freedom or do anything differently with their parents.   Also, they may not understand motives that are underlying their parents actions.

I know some parents genuinely love their children, and have no underlying motives for some of these action items.   This list is not for those young adults .   Those young adults should cherish the time they have with such loving parents.  

Often it is hard for the children (and grown adults) of emotionally, mentally or physically abusive parents to recognize true friendship and love in their spouses parents.   I know I was very suspicious of my husband's parents' motives for many years.   It was a long time before I could just relax with them and be somewhat myself.   I was always bracing for the zinger or the other shoe to drop.   In my relationships with people around me, I am still very much like that.   Being conditioned at a very young age is a hard thing to grow out of.

So here is my list of what I wish older me could have shared with 19 year old me (although on the other hand, if the course of my life was changed in this way, I might not have met my husband):

1. You have the ability to move out and be on your own.   Do not give into the threats to cut you off if you don't attend a college right now (or whatever that thing is that you know is not right for you at this particular moment in life----in my mother in law's case it was an arranged marriage!)...cause you know what?   You aren't ready and don't know what you want to do yet.   You have the right idea, and you will be paying for your own college anyway later, and then they have one less thing to hold over your head (that they funded your college or whatever it is, and trust me you want to have as few strings attached to you as possible).
2. If you have been angry, depressed, suffering from headaches, lack of sleep or anything like that; there may be some relationship issues that you have not faced or even really thought about.  If you have found this blog however, very possibly you are considering the very things that have been niggling at your sub conscious. 
3. Do not accept gifts, they have a motive behind them.   That means birthday, Christmas, whatever.   Also, do not give gifts, as (at least my Egg Donor) only criticizes them and thinks how they could be better and more what they would have wanted.   Save your money, and spend it on people who really appreciate you.
4. Save, save, save.   My parents are pretty material people.   If they collect, they must have a complete collection.   Those THINGS are very important to them, and early on I was comforted by THINGS too.   But THINGS are a cold comfort to living your life to it's fullest, relationships, and other living beings and their well being.  I don't mean save so I can have the biggest, best and brightest of anything.  I mean save so later on we can have health insurance, retirement savings in case we are in no shape to work, and also a veterinarian savings account for our dogs.   These are things that are priceless and truly important in my life.   Furniture that seems new and fresh that early on is probably going to be junk later on and a poor investment in your life!
5. The only person that you should need to impress is yourself, and not with things.
6. Say what you mean and feel to your parents.   You may think you have something to loose, but trust me there is nothing to loose.   If anything there is a slim chance you might actually gain a real relationship with your parents.   And if you can't, there was probably nothing there to begin with.
7. If either 1) a "no" on your part to a parental request or 2) a discussion of your boundaries, turns your parental unit into a whining screaming and abusive two year old child stamping their feet...take note and really look at your relationship.
8. If your parents can not behave or think of only themselves at certain events in your life, you do not need to invite them to those events.  (I was raised to be polite to elders always, and always respectful.   So often I had a hard time standing up for myself especially with my parents).   I know to a young person this may seem like a tragedy to not include their parents.   However, if all they are going to be is intrusive and trying to get to each other or make a point to be nasty, consider how that could possibly be a good thing.   You can always have a discussion with them about this to make ground rules, as long as they can do this rationally and respectfully with YOU.
9. You can and should make rules about visiting each other.   You are also allowed to pick the length of stay, or where you want to stay.   In relationships like this even when you are trying, some breathing room is allowed.  Also, if you happen to have a parent that is going to complain about the accommodations that you provide for them, it is preferable that they, therefore, pick their own accommodations.
10. DO NOT expect that just because you drop everything for your parent, that they will ever give you that same respect and support, otherwise you are setting your self up for major disappointment.
11. NO ONE can tell you how you feel or don't feel, and DO NOT let them get away with doing that.
12. Keep them out of your business and finances in all ways, and at all times.  My Sperm Donor would try to take advantage of me whenever I would start a business.   He would expect free or at cost services.   But that is neither here nor there, I did not want to deal with him on a personal level, never mind have him in my business.   Or the Step Monster for that matter (who he also felt was privy to whatever I was doing).   Just tell them now that you will not do business with family, and be sure you do that the other way around as well.
13. If you are going forward with your relationships with abusive people, REALLY consider if there is a benefit to you in doing so.   See the thing is, it does not feel like you are hurting yourself at first, but there is a definate price to pay to continue to take on the abuse.  If you can not be yourself and your boundaries are constantly violated by uncaring parents, it will not be obvious at first, but internally you are paying a price that is going to take a little bit of you as long as it goes on.   Just consider this now, as I know how hard it is to actually take the above advice.
14. What is harder than taking the above advice, is realizing the limitations on your parents love for you (if there is any there at all).  It's a really painful step that comes to all of us when we realize 1) that our parents do not love us, 2) that are parents aren't interested in knowing us and 3) that no matter what we do or don't do this fact will never change.   It is a staggering realization.  It is very hard to face that fact.   I mean how awful do you need to be to realize that your parents don't love you?   Answer, it's very possibly not you but them that is flawed.   You need to spend time with people that do appreciate and love you, and want to get to know you NOT people who don't no matter that they contributed to your DNA.

As a young adult,  YOU are finally able to shape your life legally.   YOU may not have been conditioned to do so, but I assure you that finally you have the ability to participate in and manage the relationships and life you will have.   If you have had such a parent such as I have, stamping out those rules and moving forward with your life now is very much in your favor.  If they don't respect the real you as a person, they did not respect the overly polite and accommodating you either (as you were most likely brought up to be).   Loving parents, are supportive of their children growing up, and proud of them as they move forward the best they can.   Parents like mine expect to have a mini them, and someone that will parrot back what they think of as success in the fashion they think you should.  Any script that identifies you as a separate individual will not be tolerated.

That is okay by the way.    You can be you.   Go forth and conquer!   Make your mistakes, and glory in your success.

Recovery

I feel that now, finally, I have been in a period of recovery.   I think at least since 9/2011.  It took a long friggin time to get here.  Ages and ages really.   Some people's life times unfortunately.

Very little of my head is rent free now from my FOO.   If only I could have managed this like 20 or 30 years ago!   On the other hand, my very unique journey has brought me true love, and a great career.  I also live someplace that I never thought I would.   Life is good.  

I really thank everyone that has sent me kind comments.   As you know, this is not an easy journey, and not one any one of us would wish on ourselves or our worst enemies.   I appreciate everyone's insights and stories, and the blogs/others that I have found over the last few years have been immeasurably helpful to me.   I wish I had found them 25 years ago!

There are a lot of things that I wish I had understood 25 years ago, but that will be a topic for another blog post.  

XXOO

Just Busy With My Work/Business Lately

Just very busy lately.   Not time for FOO drama:)   Been nice and quiet on that front actually.

Trialling my dog Leon, and starting training for trialling my dog, Boris:)   Also private lessons have started for dog training, and very busy with boarding and daycare.

Communication for the remedial student

In my life, I have ping ponged from being overly polite to overly direct and blunt.   These have been responses to extremes in my life.  Lack of balance previously and then while learning how to stick up for myself in an effective way influenced my communication styles.  I have to say with my donors and my step monster only nasty convinced them to keep the emotional and verbal abuse to themselves and among themselves.   I do not regret that, it was a necessity in order to disengage from them.

The direct and blunt me is more me, but had been more harsh than I wish to be later on in my life.   Pent up anger came out in a whoosh.   I guess it had to.  Is there another way for something held, suppressed, and held in a head lock to the floor to come out?   It was an angry beast waiting to eat the villagers that tormented it for so long.   The villagers were more than deserving of that anger, but internally in me that is not the way I want to feel in any long term way.

Now that I have managed who I have contact with, and how those relationships develop or don't...   I am a much happier centered and balanced person.   I'm not saying that the instinct to take down a toxic person with a lawn mower does not rear it's head, but the knowledge that I control how and whether I react at all (that I do now have this power, and am not powerless to the onslaught of emotional and verbal abuse NOR do I need to abuse my power in my ability to hurt back) helps me not be sucked into a void where my power and energy is being sucked into someone else's endless void of need(especially when they are literally a virtual stranger).

I have to say that I still have time being blunt about my boundaries.   I have an acquaintance for instance that tends to come over at the last minute for favors.   No thought that they are not expected, they might be interrupting my day or my plans.   Also to make matters worse, not in the interests of (always) paying an actual visit.   Instead of being honest with the person, which I could have been, I simply was sure to send them away when they called without explanation.   My husband was finally upfront with them, and we all had a nice talk about it. 

Relationships are hard, and I was avoiding the communication portion of this relationship.  BTW, before anyone claims it is so, I DID communicate with my donors and step.   That is the reason that our relationship cut off, because they could not respect boundaries like this.   This acquaintance, however, does respect these boundaries, and I did them a disservice by not talking to them directly about it.   Probably because of my prior history with how these conversations go with people who are less than empathetic towards others.

I just need to remember to extend my courtesy to those that may care about me, while also remembering that I do not need to engage with those who truly don't.

Exercise makes you feel good eventually right?

Luckily, I do know the answer to my own question:)  It does.   I've done two days of an ambitious work out routine to start.   Perhaps a bit too much.   Very sore muscles now, and wondering when my personal masseuse will arrive.

The wolf in sheeps clothing

Look at Anony Mouse comment on this post.   I don't know why such judgemental and ugly people never seem to see the help that they need to get for themselves, do you?

http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2011/08/open-your-eyes-and-see.html

I think it's interesting as this Anony Mouse claims to have a similar history, yet they can not see their own disfunction in what they are doing that is as plain as day.   But can they see others?   You bet!

And here are some great other posts on other blogs that deal with this!

http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2012/02/narcissists-grandiosity-game.html

http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/02/oh-wise-one.html