Synergy Blues/Sell House Sell

Husband's company is busy laying people off, and reorganizing. Oh goody. Didn't win megamillions last night, or powerball last week, so that strategy won't work. Husband seems to be coming out on the good side of the employee complaint to HR. Employee is digging self in deeper and deeper, and has done this sort of thing before. Hopefully, husband's job is safe from this and the layoffs for at least the time being. His bosses seem very much behind him.To make matters worse, our house for sale was supposed to close on the 17th but the buyer pulled out. Now she's back, but I want to nail her to the wall this time. I don't want her wasting our time and money right now. It's on the market for a good deal.Oh well, good to vent my blues, and noone is reading any way. Depressing blog this one.

May need to change blog name to bad news

I don't know if I can talk about family estrangement anymore. Not interesting me so much, or really bothering me anymore.Sadly though, and unfortunate incident at my husband's work is causing much stress. He was having performance problems with one of his employees, an older woman, which as some people would know falls under two protected classes. She choose to retaliate by filing a human resources complaint against my husband, saying he demeaned her at first. Then HR in all their infinite wisdom, told her to dig up any kind of thing she could find. She didn't find much, but she found an e-mail from another employee that instructed my husband to get it done faster than a prom dress comes off. He had replied and cc'd her because the rest of it had to do with loan closings, and didn't remember that was on there. That is probably the worst she came up with, otherwise she has voluntarily given them the e-mails my husband couldn't find that detailed the problems with her performance. Thank goodness for that, don't think she realizes she just did my husband a big favor.

Still pretty stressful, not sure that my husband isn't going to loose his job over this.

Hopefully Till This Summer Then

I was so upset at some points this year. My father had e-mailed me that he couldn't believe I had "blown it all out of proportion". I thought whatever, and it gave me the incentive to lop off that relationship once and for all. I felt good after it, and I have felt good except for one nightmare where I dreamed my dad was stepping on my face and yanking all my teeth out with a wrench. I might have my posting on that previously. I knew what that dream meant, and once I acknowledged that I won't be missing out on anything, and don't in fact love him anyway, well it started getting a lot easier.

The last blow up with my mom via the internet such as it was, was a great freeing experience for me. Before this, I had imagined her remorseful and contrite. Wanting to apologize and not knowing how. Now I know that my orginal assessment of her as a selfish, manipulative, and controlling woman was right on target.

It's not that I am glad about that, much the contrary. I had a lot of grief when I realized that was the case. However, it has freed me from the guilt I had been carrying for 10 years about my breaking off my relationship with this woman.

Unfortunately, I was a product of people who are not nice, and do not know what love (my definition) is. It's not even that, that I can't live with. I can't live with the continuing abuse. The implication that you are not worthy of my dad, not as good as your step brother just not not not not, just drains on you even if you know it isn't true. You just can't go on for years and years like that. Or if you do, you end up being someone you don't like. My dad's complete acceptance of the abuse doled out by my step mother, is completely unforgivable to me. I shouldn't have let it go 18 years ago, and I am glad I put a stop to it this last October, although I could have never guessed that would be the outcome.

Introduction

Kind of a late introduction, I know. I went ass backwards, but wanted to save several relevant posts about my estrangement.My mother has a personal blog out there about me, but I have gone over all that personal shit. We are different, in that she has been going on for years and years, but I can only dwell on something for so long before I have to agree to disagree. I can't let it rule my life.But in some ways, this condition, estrangement especially from a parent or child does rule one's life. That someone has betrayed you so much, or won't put something down long enough to continue a relationship that isn't 100 proof torture, is something that I still can't get my mind around. And why is it that I need validation from this source? These are all questions that this estranger feels in her mind, and I know that others do as well.I am going to try someday but I doubt it will work. You tie your feelings to a balloon, and then set them free. That's what you want to do with this inside you, and the only reason a person would bear this, is that spending time with the other person makes you feel much worse down to the bottom of your soul.Any way, I am trying to write for another purpose, and a good exercise in that is writing about things that are not so happy, and upbeat. To talk from the darkest parts of your soul, which I haven't done yet. I don't know that I can do it, but I am going to try.

Ginny's Analysis of Tony

As for recent occurrences with your father and his wife, my gut feeling was that you are doing what is best for you and that it makes sense. My gut feeling is that the situation was impossible and that estranging yourself may be the best solution. However, I don't know your stepwhatever and I don't know either of their sides of the story. I do know how you have reacted to me. Perhaps your decision makes perfect sense but I don't know for sure because of other things that I do know.I am sorry that your relationship with your father has gone downhill like this. Yes, he is limited in relationships. He offers an image of a warm civilized friendly person but if someone wants to know him better, there is not a lot of there there. He just can't hack it. He doesn't see the need to communicate more and if he did, I don't know whether he has much that he wants to communicate. He is withdrawn but someone has to spend time with him to realize how withdrawn he is.He doesn't know how to communicate or that he is missing out on anything. It is like teaching an elephant to type. He just can't do it. And he seems to be very dependent on having a woman in his life. He will do almost anything to keep one woman in a relationship with him. Not more than one, just one. He would probably do anything .... except have more depth to himself. He can't do that because it's just not there. Being angry at him for this could use up a lot of energy and the outcome would be the same. What you have described about him is what I experienced with him. He hasn't changed.The only way to have a relationship with him is to have a very limited relationship which isn't what you want. The only way to have a relationship with both him and your stepwhatever is ........ I don't know the answer to that. Perhaps your answer to that IS the only answer.I had a limited relationship with my father. The limitations on it did cause me a lot of pain, sadness, and sometimes anger but not anger to the extent that you are experiencing. My father had two serious illnesses of the soul: addictions to alcohol and gambling. He was never able to overcome those illnesses. He didn't even try. They consumed him. Or he allowed them to consume him. Eventually with the help of Al anon I recognized how seriously he was affected and his inability to do anything to get better. So I was not as angry as you are because I could accept that. I didn't see him much but I never estranged myself. He was sometimes abusive but not as abusive as my mother is and was. He had a sweet side that people occasionally saw but that side wasn't around much. I did love him. I hated his illnesses and how they consumed him.Your father is more aggravating in that his illness, whatever it is, is not obvious to most people. He appears warm, friendly, somewhat sociable. He is responsible in his profession. He does his job and goes through the motions well. His lack of ability to have deeper relationships is not noticeable until someone tries to do it. And then he just falls down flat and he doesn't even know that he has fallen down. He blames the disappointment and puzzlement that others feel on learning that there is no there there on them, not on his own inability to be there for them. His blaming others is infuriating.I recognize what you are saying about him. He isn't going to change. If anyone wants to have a relationship with him, they would have to accept him as the limited person that he is and be able to ignore certain things that he does and doesn't do. Not having a relationship might be easier. It sounds as though his wife makes your having a relationship with him much harder than it would be if it was just him by himself.I haven't missed him since he stopped talking to me. The only thing about his stopping talking that I disliked was the fact that it made it more difficult for us all to communicate and to be in the same place when we needed to be. The responsibility for that is his and will always be his. It is something that I have trouble forgiving him for.Personally, if I had been in your shoes and he refused to help me with my dying dog, that would have been sufficient reason right there and then not to speak to him ever again. His refusal makes me sick to think about. I could wish he had some really awfully good reason for that but I don't know what that would be. That he was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital because he was suffering a heart attack? His refusal is appalling.However I am sorry that you and your father aren't on good terms and that you are in pain over it. While you have said that you don't love him, I wonder about that because you must have some feelings of caring for him since this is causing you so much pain. If you didn't care, it would be easier to do. I do support your decision from afar regardless of which way it goes. I know that estranging yourself from him is hard. Maybe some day in the future you and your father will find a way to be in a relationship that is more bearable.The dream that you had about him was scary and powerful. Your mind is giving you strong messages and you are listening. This is good.As for me, I don't know why you put the reason for a failure to reconcile with me on the website and the blog as those are irrelevant considering your lack of feeling for me. The way you feel about me is sufficient reason not to reconcile with me. I wouldn't want you to reconcile with me as long as you feel that way. The website and the blog are part of me too and they are important to me and that is why I do them. So it is best that you know exactly who I am and how I feel and then neither of us need to waste any time on a painful failed reconciliation which is what would happen if you can't accept me and like me for who I am. I prefer to remain estranged rather be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't care about me.I agree with and relate to this quote from William Borroughs that was recently posted to a discussion board: "If after being in someone's presence you feel as though you've lost a quart of plasma, AVOID THAT PRESENCE."

Notes on Estrangement from Tony/BA

There is an ongoing estrangement first between me & Betty Ann and now between me & Tony as well. This means it is doubtful we will se my side of the family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. So for any of you that feel comfortable, visiting us or calling us during other occasions is recommended.How did this all start? It started by me asking both Betty Ann and my dad to respect my wishes not to use Betty Ann as my real estate agent. Why I even need to do this is beyond me? Why do we all think we are required to use Betty Ann? She doesn't use me or Robert in any business transactions. Well, apparently it was a requirement of our continued relationship.

The reasons that were presented for why we did not want to use Betty Ann? We have a lot of pressure on us right now with Robert's mom dying, his new job as sales manager, my new business, and the purchase of this new house (a happy thing but still pressure filled at this point). We did not want to worry about familial relations coming into play during the sales process of our house. We decided to use a realtor that we could make decisions with quickly or come down hard on if we didn't like what was happening. We would have hesitated on things with Betty Ann, because she was family, and normal people consider the feelings of family.Course, there were reasons we didn't express. When we bought the house in Worcester with Betty Ann, she pressured us on other houses that we did not like. She pressured us on concessions on this house that we did not want to make. She came to Robert's hospital room (the day of his operation to take six inches of intestine out) so he could sign the purchase & sale agreement while he was still under!!!! What a nice caring lovely person she is.Course then there was the real estate transaction with Robert's brother Jeff. Jeff had contacted her, because Robert in a brain fart had given Jeff Betty Ann's number. Jeff found out his job was in jeopardy, and told Betty Ann they were no longer putting the house on the market. Betty Ann went behind Jeff's back to his now ex-wife Theresa, and continued with the deal knowing this. Jeff found out, and ended that whole episode when he found her in his house scheming the whole thing. Nice to know Betty Ann was so thoughtful of family.Any way, needless to express, this simple request of ours was not honored. What happened next to seal the deal? Well, Betty Ann had not said much at the initial conversation. She called back though. She started out defensively asking why I would not use her. I explained again. She asked if we could "try things out". I said no as that would take time we did not have, and we had already decided what route we would take. She then started screaming at me about the horrific events of 18 years past (see below if you are not familiar). I ended the conversation, as I was afraid of what I would say to the attack that I "ruined their marriage 18 years ago" and am in fact "still ruining their marriage". Unable to sway me, and now cut off from discussing this with me, she started on dad. (We were not estranged.....yet). Reasons that she gave for being upset about this during the conversation "humiliation". This is now known as EXCUSE NUMBER ONE. Now note she did not say, I care for you and wanted to help you through this, or I was looking forward to helping you and Robert. Nope, it was the "humiliation" of it that upset her.I had called Tony to give him a head's up (I had also been nice enough to let Tony know before I even had the initial conversation with Betty Ann), he basically blew me off, said he was going to be neutral (which was fine), and then gave EXCUSE NUMBER TWO. That Betty Ann was recently diagnosed with diabetes, so of course it's okay for her to be abusive and unreasonable towards me. Let me just let you know, there is always an excuse from them. Again, not that she cared about us, not that she was looking forward to helping us. Several more nagging conversations between Betty Ann and Tony, apparently convinced him not to be neutral and instead have in-depth conversations about 18 years ago with me. Oh, and about why we weren't using Betty Ann too. Since Betty Ann was no longer allowed to discuss this with me, she took out her favorite puppet, Tony. Wow, must be some marriage that one. So dad calls with the urgent insistence that I let him in my home to rehash the past, which we had talked about then ad nausea, AND of course to talk about the beloved Betty Ann. I said no, talks were called off. I did make it clear Tony could talk to me relating to me & him, just not Betty Ann. This was not acceptable to him. So then Tony left the seemingly oh so thoughtful note, saying he understood that I was upset with HIM, that my points were valid, and that I could make the time place and method of conversation. I chose 4:30 Friday, at a park near me so I wouldn't be trapped in my house with him if he chose a different agenda. Tony was SOOOO concerned about discussing us, that he suggested a rescheduling to the middle of the following week, as he had a dinner date that night, and then plans to go visit Rae and Dick. You know, so it would be more convenient for him, this oh so important conversation. That was it for me. That was the last straw. I have made these same feelings known to Tony in an e-mail.Before I had this conversation with dad, I had called Betty Ann to let her know:

1. she can discuss her feelings with me that I don't need a third party and
2. I didn't appreciate the manipulation of Tony and my relationship for a real estate deal and
3. there was no EXCUSE for her behavior. She ended this conversation with an "FU" (see that's the Betty Ann most of you don't see, but I am fairly familiar with), after she explained her displeasure was that I "didn't try hard enough to use her as my real estate agent".

Was it over then? Oh no, Betty Ann then left not one but five messages for Robert at work!! When Robert called back and asked why she was calling, she said it was because in discussing my reasons for not using her I said "Robert and I" and she wanted to verify. Robert quickly ended this line of conversation, letting her know that she will not be our real estate agent. Then Betty Ann does what she very seldom does. She showed her true self to Robert, by telling him (no actual events or anything just these statements) that I "ruined" and "am ruining" her marriage. She made all sorts of statements, that Robert does not even want to repeat to me, because he was horrified and he was also with me during this period of time and knows from actually being there and witnessing events what the situation was.The bottom line is, in order not to be blamed for their apparently failing marriage (what a surprise with such a loving spouse so concerned about Tony's relationship with his daughter) or to endure the emotional abuse and conversations about events 18 years in the past, which I had forgiven, I have cut off all relations with these people.

What's my problem with Betty Ann Reck Caputo? If my dog is dying, and I don't want to come to Maine, call my dad. After all, it's clearly my responsibility to taxi her father up to Maine at the one time I am having problems in my own life. Not her responsibility, not her sister's responsibility, not Andy's responsibility. No mine. And do you want to know why? It's all about control. Control that she no longer has over me in any form, and it is driving her crazy nuts. Well good. I have tried for 18 years to let bygones be bygones. I have schlepped her father, I have trained her dog for free (even though other appointments she couldn't make or just wasted my time), I have cleaned up after other guests in her Maine home, I have stayed after parties to help her clean up, I have sucked up the feelings I have "for the sake of the family", I have heard her and Andy snicker at my grandmother in Andy's living room because she dropped a crumb or two, I have in fact ignored what an evil bitch she is. I have forgiven that the first day I walked into my father's house to live before I was fully grown, she welcomed me by screaming at me that I was a bitch. And the last day, she came into my bedroom in the dead of night, because dad had offered to do the dishes and I wasn't feeling well & he didn't, and when I stood up she slapped me across the face (I walked out of the house in a night shirt, no other clothes including shoes or socks in a blizzard). I made it clear to my father after that, the condition of a continuing relationship was that I never be put through that again. That condition has been broken. Last year, called Tony's house to wish Tony a happy birthday. I got Betty Ann and chit chatted a bit. I asked where dad was, she said he was at school meetings but she would give him the message. I found out later that they all went out to Chinese dinner that night. It's not really that I wasn't invited, but why would Betty Ann lie to me. What is her problem? Clearly we all know now, she is still blaming me for my dad's first marriage, and that I am a living and breathing reminder of that. Like that is my fault. Apparently I was orchestrating the demise of her marriage for a REALLY long time, like before I was born. You know Ginny and Tony were just so great together, I have been scheming since their divorce to get them back together. Yeah right!! I mean I don't have other things to do, a marriage, a career, a business,......nope just been plotting against Betty Ann. Finally, I had made the mistake of taking care of their dog, DJ, on two separate occasions. I enjoyed taking care of DJ, but it's a mistake because instead of thanking you for that, Betty Ann needs to find ways to make YOU responsible for her dog. First she called me up, and wanted me to take DJ once a week. I said no, that's a lot of work, I don't run a kennel, and I do other administrative things at home where I can't be worrying what an untrained puppy is doing in my house. Then she called on Easter and said if I didn't let her dog loose in my house outside of a crate and keep him there with Leon (assuming I am at the Easter celebration) then it's my fault that she can't have Easter at her house. I asked if she would like my training help at that point (being that we still had two weeks to Easter) and she refused repeating the afore mentioned again. Now what do you think I would be treated to if my dogs were shitting and peeing all over her house unencumbered while we were elsewhere? Hmmmmm?

What's my problem with Tony? He has never supported me in anything unless it goes with his plan. Never saw my dad so proud as when I was a controller. Had I been a clerk at a seven eleven, then I would still be daughter non-existent. Do you know how many co-workers of Tony knew the whole family------well except for his daughter? "Daughter, Tony doesn't have a daughter, I know his whole family". It's like I stole his antiques and for my heroine fix. I assure you that never happened. While I was married, Tony told me to be careful with Robert as my beneficiary, because he "might kill me for the money". So he was not supportive of my marriage, which I think everyone can agree is quite solid. (I think he and Betty Ann better watch out themselves). My wedding day was just so much lovelier by the participation of Tony and Ginny making it about them, avoiding each other, and making the awkwardness so noticeable. Neither made any attempt to be a part of the wedding, before after or during, except to "as a wedding gift" pay for half each of the wedding. Robert's mother was the only one in the family to give me a party. She was the only one to congratulate me on my engagement. She was the only one who offered to participate with me in any rituals normal daughters look forward to, and you would think their parents would be living for. Not mine. No way, it was a day about them. Same with my graduation. Same with EVERY EVENT INCLUDING THE HOUSE IN MAINE. Before Neptune died last year, my Nissan's battery went and Robert got in a car accident. We needed to transport Neptune from the local vet to Tufts emergency. I called dad to see if he could help, he said no. Now let me say, while he calls only for favors, this is the only time I have called for a favor since graduation (and I don't think I called for any FAVOR other than for his attendance). When it really counts, he's not there and not only is he not there, he creates more stress and problems that are unnecessary.It was a simple request, please just let us use another realtor, and do not stress us out during this time when we are dealing with the upcoming death of someone who truly does love and care for us. Neither one of them could comply, they are both now out of my life. This is bound to make most of you extremely uncomfortable. For that I am sorry, but I need to start sticking up for myself and no longer be a doormat for people that don't even care about me. Oh, my dad may say he does, but his actions speak volumes. It's like when serial killers say they love their victims, whose heads can be found in their kitchen freezer. Is that what you would call love? Not me. Recent and past actions on his part have been unacceptable, and in the face of this most recent development, it is clear to me that any energy (beyond this indignity to Betty Ann and dad) is not worth my effort.

Yeah, I know Tony and Betty Ann are going to be horrified by this. And I will enjoy that immensely, whether people agree with this or not. I do need vengeance after my 18 years of hard work being there for them and getting nothing. One darned favor couldn't be done for me. Business must be pretty bad for Betty Ann. Actually, I am sure it's just been the lack of control over me lately that made her peep her little demon head out, and finally show herself for who we always knew she was.