2012 Year in Review

Except for one very tragic and devastating incident, we had an other wise great year.  Our wonderful canine companion, Leon, died suddenly on 9/20/2012.   I am still not over it, and will never really be over it.   It will just get a little less painful as time goes on.   Leon was a very special and loving soul.   He did a lot of work with me in my business.  He provided a lot of love, fun, and joy for us all as a family.   It is believed to have been a cardiac incident.   By the way, 40% of Dobermans are thought to have cardiomiopathy.  Still they remain my very favorite breed due to their sense of fun and their athletic ability.

Sigh, he is very very much missed.   There are all sorts of little jobs he would do for me during the day, that remind me how very much he loved working with me.   Everyday there is a reminder of that.

So here is the good parts of 2012:

1. Business up by 18%
2. I was able to take a few actual days off for a vacation this year.   First time since 2005, I think.
3. Summer was perfect in that it was not sweltering hot.   It was a very comfortable and enjoyable summer.
4. We had many many good times with our dogs on the beach this year.
5. My husband and I were able to have a lot of good times this year.  
6. We have been able to afford things like heat and health insurance this year:)
7. We have been able to get our savings going again.

It would have been a really stellar year if Leon could still have been with us.  

Merry Christmas!

Boris wishes you a Merry Holiday Season!

Lacking Anything Beneath The Surface

There are people in this world that seem to have very little depth to them.   Or this is not something that they give in their relationships to other people.   They like to have fun, and they like the "appearance" of a relationship.

I appreciate depth in a relationship and an individual.   This does not mean you need to spill your guts to me all day each time we see each other, but this means I see a glimmer of something beneath the surface every now and again that is attractive (or not).   You know that we have more to talk about than jobs, cars, clothes, people we both know, parties, vacations ET.   When they tell me they hurt, I can empathize.   When I tell them I hurt, they can empathize.   When they tell me of their good fortune, I am happy for them.   When I tell them of my good fortune, they are happy for me.   When a disturbing incident happens to them, I support them.   When a disturbing incident happens to me, they support me.   When something interests them, I engage them in conversations to draw this out.   When something interests me, they engage me in conversations to bring this out.

This is on my mind, because I finally had the one on one telephone conversations with the last hanger oner of my FOO.   The conversation actually went fine, but it just brought home the lack of depth in this person.   It also brought home in how I am always taken by surprise at this from some members of my FOO, although I have been aware of it (and seen heard and experienced the truth of it) for so many years.

Which brings me to why I never acknowledged it for the length of time I didn't...   It is hard to hold someone accountable to something they lack by their very nature of being.   It seems akin to being mad at someone because they were born without a limb.   They just don't have that...thing.   And when they are related to you, you feel it's your moral obligation to ignore the hurt this might cause you.   At first it even may feel like no hurt is being done to you, but the adjustments for the sake of pleasing this "one way" person or presenting things in a light so as not to rock the "appearances" of a situation grate on your soul and your ability to be yourself one bit at a time.   Until you look back one day, and find less of your authentic self there, being smothered in order to please someone, who could quite frankly care less about you.

Why do they come if that is the case?   Because people who have depth give them the very supply that they need.   People who were brought up by parents also exhibiting these personality disorders, probably do this more so without asking anything in return or even expecting it.   The supply may be something that was asked to be a material thing or service, but really what the victim is always giving is that piece of themselves away that makes them them.   Until one day the victim looks at themselves and doesn't even recognize this person anymore.   Then the question comes, how did this come about?   Because it was allowed to come about, that is why.

I do not allow myself to give away little pieces of me any more (at least consciously).   Although I am giving the relationship one more chance, I am really really questioning why.   I certainly don't want to keep a relationship open for the sake of the appearances that others hold so dear.   Ugh, I don't know why I left that door open.   Guess we will see what that brings in the future.   I just hope that I did not wimp out again, by avoiding doing what is really best for me, and not to waste my time on things that are lacking substance or meaning.

I had one last important thought to share about this situation, but it has escaped me.   Perhaps it will come back to me later in the day.

Guilt and how to deal with it:)

Upsi was inspired and wrote about working through guilt.  This in turn has inspired me to write a bit about this as well. If you are in this family rift/estrangement situation, undoubtedly you will feel (well a lot of things) and guilt will be among the party guests:) Many of us have been manipulated at least during our young lives and essentially programed to feel this to even our own reasonable responses, which another person without our history would not even think to feel guilty about.

On the living authentically blog (also referenced by Upsi and now discovered by me), there is this advice:

"There is a process (which comes from gestalt psychotherapy) for working with feeling guilty: underneath guilty there is a resentment and underneath resentment there is a demand. Once you get to the demand you aren’t bothered with feeling guilty anymore.
To experience this:

1. Imagine yourself expressing your guilty feeling to someone. It can be someone you imagine or an idealised figure (like a judge) or the person or group you feel you transgressed against.
2. Express the feeling fully. As you do this you will either finish with the feeling or feel resentment arise. If you don’t feel resentment you are probably finished with feeling guilty.
3. If you feel resentment arise then express this resentment. Allow yourself to be very specific. Be as specific as you can.
4. As you express you resentment you will find that you are making a series of demands. These demands are important. They contain, at their heart, what you need to thrive.
5. As you find a way to get what you are demanding you will find that you are free of feeling guilty. "

From the age of 29 to the age of, er, 46; I have in such a roundabout way, I am sure, gone through this.   So as far as "my parents" are concerned the guilt phase lasted for a long time but finally I went past that.   So since I am in a good place, I would not write out these steps for that experience as I have already embraced my decisions, actions, and intentions with confidence.   I have also given myself the permission not to have to relive this as my "penance".

However, there is a situation regarding an individual of my FOO to where I can apply this.  I had actually promised we would have a phone conversation about this,once I was done enjoying some time off.   You can find part of the situation that I am speaking to in this attached post.

For a little more background, a few weeks ago I was puzzling over the best way to be upfront and direct about this.   A telephone call would have been the right and correct thing to do.   However, I was really stressed out after being so busy with my business (which is good but still makes one edgy and sleep deprived) that I just did not want to get any more emotionally upset or vested in this.   Therefore, here is the totally dysfunctional e-mail response (not so much the response but that I could not deal with it except at an arms length distance at the time).

This is actually an e-mail discussion that happened after my relative sent some third party messages through my husband to me:

Relative on FB to ME: Have Robert call me ASAP.


This is the point where the discussion with Robert to send third party messages also to me took place, and now the rest of the FB discussion is after receiving the messages from my husband.


Me on FB: Hey [Relative], I don't have your phone number, so I just wanted to address what you talked to [My Husband] about. I have no interest in talking about those parties either.

I know [My Husband] asks about them sometimes, but I really could care less. Also, when you bring me a third party message from your father at a meet and greet with  [Relative's girlfriend], I now have to talk about it with you. I mean I could be rude, but I feel obligated if someone brings it up to me.

Also, you once brought it up as a starting conversation with [Relative's girlfriend] at diner, as her kids also don't have a relationship with their dad.

People I do not interact with are not my family, nor do I want to talk to them. I don't know if you noticed, but I never bring it up (sometimes [My Husband] does). So just don't mention them either, [My Husband] won't mention them, and I have no interest in mentioning them.

So if you bring up the subject in the future, I will close it down with you immediately. Again, I would have called you, and I am not mad. I am actually glad you brought it up, as it is not something pleasant for me NOR something I want to think about when I am just trying to hang out. And as far what family that I interact with are doing at family outings, I have not interest in that either.

That I am not mad part was not an actual lie at the time.   I have been conditioned to feel as if I should not BE mad.   I had intended not to be mad, but the bottom line is that I was angry that after so many discussions of not passing on messages that he did it.  I really should not have said what my husband will or will not do, he is free to bring up, answer, or talk about anything he wants to in HIS OWN HOUSE.

Relative on FB:  I agree [Relative] Let's not discuss [Sperm Donor], [Step Monster], any third-party messages from my Parents, or Family Gatherings. My number is (NOE) MPA-THY!
...and, let the record state that [His Girlfriend] and I wanted to visit tomorrow! ;)

The "for the record" part slays me.  Yes, let's state that for appearances sake, we have a very tight and warm relationship.  I would like this documented "for the record".   And "for the record' he was told why I would not want him to come in the first place, so this is a favor to me in what way?

Me on FB:  Yes, I know. It has been way busy here, and I am not up for any company right now. I will probably be asleep for most of tomorrow OR spending some much needed alone time with [My Husband].

BTW if you want to try and plan something the week of August 13th is looking good. I was planning to take some major time off then.

And then after a few days of worrying that he would actually take me up on this, AND do that by having a last minute "duty call"....I took care of this inadvertent and conditioned brain fart on my part.   I would like to say that I wish I did not have to deal with this and have the brain fart in the first place.   However, this helps me clear up some things that have been bothering me.   This is when I was spending time agonizing as to whether to do the right thing and call OR the "wrong" thing with MY well being in mind for once.

Me on FB:  Actually to tell you the truth, the above invite was given in a moment of guilt for being too tired and busy to see you last minute. I am really looking forward to my time next week, and you tend to be a bit of work to have over. Between now having to worry about putting up family photos where you might not (or Irene might not think you are perfect), having to worry about saying it was nice to have [you] here on Facebook so the wrong person doesn't see, needing to be available to receive you at a moments notice no matter what is going on in my life, and really you and [My Husband] more have the relationship than you and me. And many times you make it seem like some kind of favor that you are visiting me (and sometimes we all know you have had another agenda for coming over here), and often pass judgements or bring up my relationships with other people. Now my purpose here is not necessarily to sever my relationship with you, but I think it's important to have a mutally beneficial give and take relationship. Right now, you and I do not have that. And the one time it was fun and pleasant to have you over (the beach), you needed to make a drama about that over your picture. And whatever, if you don't want pics taken of you just say so. If you don't want your girlfriend to know you are here, either don't come or let her know you were here.

I have had enough dysfunctional relationships in my life. and this is a sort of dysfunctional way to talk to you, but I want to go on with my week just enjoying myself, and not worryign that I am going to get a last minute call that you are coming over. I have my brother in law, niece,and nephew here to enjoy, and I just want to stop worrying about this.

And as dysfunctional as it is. I don't want to talk about this this week or next week. Nor do I want messages passed to me through my husband. Thanks.

Relative on FB:   I'm glad your feelings to me. I completely understand and now that we've communicated about this, I hope we can work on re-establishing a better relationship. Love you

Quite frankly, I don't think this relative "completely understand"s how I feel.   This relative does not completely understand how anyone feels unless something very similar has happened to him.   What I am trying to say is the genetic lack of empathy appears to be alive and well in this relative.   We have talked about things that would provide for this "better relationship" not in that context but as plain courtesy.   And as yet courtesy has not been forwarded to me very often.

Me on FB:   Thanks, we will talk at a later date.


So it will be helpful to do the exercise at the very beginning of the post before our phone conversation (should this person be interested in having a phone conversation).

1. I feel guilty, because I did not want visits from you "on the fly".   I feel guilty also for allowing you to use my husband as a third party vehicle (and therefore I was also using you as a third party vehicle as I did not want to talk to you in person about this), and not directly confronting you about this more honestly and sooner.  I also feel guilty about the way that I choose to respond to you before taking my time off.   However, after consideration, I really needed to take care of myself first.
2. (I've thought about this a lot, so I don't feel resentment at the feeling but I certainly did at the time, so I am going forward with the next step)  
3. I feel resentful as I have personally told you before that it is not always a good time to visit.   I know that you think if you are visiting "my parents" in the area, that you think I will be hurt because you do not come.   I am hurt that my relatives do not make plans with me (that are enjoyable and agreeable) before hand, and instead come unexpectedly for their "duty visit".   It is this that I resent.   If you did not visit during a visit to "my parents" I would not be hurt.   I have always told you that I would like to plan something fun for all of us, and so that the house is clean ET and since I work from home so that I don't have schedule conflicts.   The fact that you ignore this is what I resent.   I also resent that you indicated to my husband what topics could not be of conversation.   Not so much because of the topic at hand, but because you weren't even invited over and you brought up something that is particularly painful to me out of the blue.  Thereby interrupting my day (when you weren't going to be here and I was having a good day) with something disturbing to me, and you communicated that through a third party (link is to an instance where he delived a message to me from his father), my husband.  We have also personally had conversations about that.  
4. Yes I see those demands in my head right now, and they are as follows...
5. One if this person feels the need to edit topics at hand (that they bring up by the way by making comments that indicate that I should feel guilt over the estrangement to "my parents"), and have a problem with every visit---perhaps they should not be visiting.   I am not that close to this person.   They are okay, and I have felt beholden since they "grace" me with their last minute company to cleave onto this final FOO relationship, but if it continues in this one sided and thoughtless way it is not something that I need in my life.  So I guess my demand is planned outings whether they coincide with their trip to their girlfriend or "my parents"  or not.  I am not a duty dropping by place, and it is not enjoyable for me to be used as such.  Demand two is that I do not need (nor do you need to bitch to my husband about anything) third party messages from you.   Demand two continues to an old discussion where I don't need any third party messages brought to me from other relatives that can not pick up the phone and call me directly themselves.   Demand three, you never ever need to bring up "my parents" to me by saying things like "don't you miss them" or "they don't appear to be doing well".   I am fully capable of communicating my feelings to "my parents" myself, and they are still possessed of the ability to communicate to me at any time they wish to.   We do not need a third party intervention from people who have not lived and do not empathize.   I am through having to justify myself to someone, and if I need to continue hearing that from you (and then editing what I say in response, though I just don't want to hear it in the first place quite frankly) then we do not need to be visiting each other.

When your upbringing may hindered ones ability to communicate on the fly, sometimes it takes a plan to communicate.   Sitting down and thinking these things out can help you  more effectively communicate, and sometimes save a relationship (if it's worth saving in the first place).

Anyway, the ball is in my other relatives court, as I called to talk to him.   Had to leave a message on the answering machine, but there the first step has been made.  I stuck to what I said I would do, partly out of duty and partly out of interest to see if I can salvage a relationship out of my FOO. If he is interested in salvaging a relationship with me he will call, if not...I am ready to let it go.

Officially on my semi vacation

It's a semi vacation because I have two days that are off (not in a row).   Other days where I have work scheduled but not that crunchy and not taking on any last minute new clients this week.   It will be different if a current client has an emergency, as I am here.   Other than that though,  doing fun stuff this week.   And not one of my FOO is in my head or thoughts.  Other than I had to think about them to write the previous sentence.

Going to see the local sights, get a soft serve cone, and relax on the beach.   Also boogey board in the waves.  I'm going to spend some quality time with my husband, my dogs, and any family or friend that I truly wish to see and spend my coveted time off with.  If I don't want to spend this time off with a reader who knows me, they know who they are .   They also know why.

I work hard.   I deserve my time off to be peaceful, fun, and pleasant.  That is what I work towards, and look forward to.   And because I love what I do, I don't take that much time off at all.   In fact the last time was 2009, and my dog, Jackie CD, died at the very beginning of that "vacation" due to complications with his digestive system.   (problems he had all his life, unfortunately, but we never thought would become fatal).  And before that the vacation was in 2005!  So why would I choose to spend that time with people who I don't particularly care for, and who don't particularly care for me (just their image).  I guess I was promoting my image too, by not being honest up front awhile ago.

All my vacations have not tended to happen in the summer either, as it is a very (and has been to date) time.   I am at my budget through August however, and the opportunity presented itself to me.   So by Dog, I will take advantage and enjoy a little summer reprieve from work and from pains in the asses.

It doesn't?

Ah, appropriate for some people that have been in my life previously.

Trying not to be passive aggressive here

The title of my post states that this blog has not been about all family members.  That is true, if you aren't talking about my side of the family LOL.   I have had some major growth points, where I no longer accepted being treated like the black sheep of the family by any and all family members.   It was no longer okay for these "family members" to drop in unannounced for their "duty visit" because they happened to be in the area once or twice a year.  Then it was expected that I drop everything because they deigned to show up on my doorstep one day.  (Often with one agenda or another in mind)  That or the annual Christmas card, which I just stopped returning.   I mean who are we kidding.  

For the family that matters to me, we get together whenever we can.   Which may not be frequent, but is meaningful.  They are not perfect either, but  they have real feelings, thoughts, and caring to share.   My side of the family (excluding my grandparents), it's all just superficial.   I am over it, I have been over it, and I have said it again and again.   Now I am just trying to figure out how to communicate this to the last hanger oner of the "duty call" and very huge favor to me with the bestowal of their last minute unplanned for company, which comes with an agenda and things to worry about.  You know. like:

1. Not to mention their visit so their girlfriend, fiance, or whatever does not find out about it for God knows what reason.  Yes, I have not had enough dysfunctional relationships in my life, now I need to worry about yours.   I get to be intimately involved in it.  Here is a solution, don't come here.   Or tell your girlfriend you are coming here.   And leave me the FUCK out of it.
2. Did I mention the last minute drop overs.   The last one occurred while I was travelling back from an eight hour day from a dog show.   They wanted to be sure they were STILL their to greet me.   I wanted a nap and a stiff drink.   Luckily I took to long (perhaps it was that ice cream detour with my dog that just happened after I knew they were at my house) for them to be there.   Too bad, so sad.   I did however get to worry about how I was going to rouse myself to entertain their asses.  Or plaster on a smile as if I was utterly thrilled to see them.
3. As 2 would indicate, there is never a thought that we have lives, and sometimes it is not convenient for us to have visitors unannounced or announcing they are coming by the day before.
4. The one visit we had a good time (again last minute so I had a hard time clearing my schedule), we went to the beach.   I had to keep travelling back and forth to take care of the dogs.   Anyway, later I put up some pictures of all at the beach.   This person put up such a stink because they didn't think they looked good in the picture, and I took it down.   But the friggin drama and agenda this person has all the time.
5. The time I saw this person the most was during their divorce.   And we got to be regaled with every online woman they were going to hook up with.   And you know, that was okay because I knew they were having a hard time.   A little tiring for me to feign interest.   We also got to hear every nasty thing he had to say about his ex.  And while there are some fronts I would agree on, this person is not a stupid person, and she was described as such and/or someone who needed to provide certain services.   As a woman, I thought the things that were said did not show just a lack of respect for his ex (and mother of his children), but a huge lack of respect for woman in general.
6. Unless something has happened directly to this person, they can not empathize with the going ons in others lives.  And even if it did happen to them and they say can imagine, it is only in context to their narrow experience.
7. And lastly, one of those people who is pretty sure that the world revolves around them.  I do have other friends like that, but there is a portion of their personality that is interested in other people and things.
8. Also this person has no problem sending me messages through my husband, instead of talking to me directly.   Or sending me messages from other relatives about my estrangement from Spermy (not my lack of interest in them, or their "interest" in me, which is non existent).

So perhaps right this moment is not the time to have a direct conversation, cause I am kinda really annoyed.  I am annoyed really at myself, because in my husband being clear not to drop by last minute the last time, I said if you want to plan a visit, you could come on this covetted week.  And I don't want them to come at all.   That was really a "duty" response on my part.   I am really not sure that I want to continue a relationship at all.

The reasons of this person for continuing a relationship with "me" is not about just duty.   For awhile, my husband was doing him personal favors.   Then I think he needs other couples to hang around with his girlfriend, and to show that he "cares" about family no matter how superficial that might be.   So I feel always on stage, always being judged, and if I am being granted some sort of favor.   If this person was not related to me, and someone I did not see once or twice a year for the first 18 years of my life, I would have zero to do with them.   I have been somewhat touched that they have sought to keep in contact with me, but as I have stressed that was not really their motivation.

And now they are taking up my time by me having to think up ways to tell them politely to FUCK OFF.  I am so over relationships like this that are draining rather than a give and take.

Dreams

A couple of my clients work in Corporate America currently.   A world I escaped from 9 years ago.   I still enjoy talking to people about business.   There were parts of it that I enjoyed, but not the dishonesty, the pressure they tried to put on you to cover up illegal activity, and the way mergers/acquisitions were handled.  I also did not like the climate of business where mergers and acquisitions could be expected no matter where you worked, and farming out jobs to other countries became the norm.   I understand the business sense, but the way employees who were going to be laid off (often minimum wage people with no benefits never mind severance packages) were lied to and deceived.   Those sorts of things chipped at my optimism and innocence daily in the last few years that I remained in Corporate America.  I never plan on going back, as I enjoy my work helping canines and their families craft working relationships/partnerships.   I think my time and energy are better spent there.   It has it's challenges.   For instance I am injured right now, so I can not do as much as I would like to physically, and have to save my energy for my private lessons.   There are really no sick days for me, unless I am desperately ill.   Vacation time can be challenging as well, even though it's my own business.   However, I love it.   I have very few days that I don't want to get up and seize the day!

It is interesting that just talking about my clients' experiences in their corporate world triggers bad dreams for me of the Corporate world.   In those dreams, my Donors have appeared.   In the one two days ago, Spermy called me at work, because he thought I was using my private checkbook to pay the corporations bills.  This was not happening but he had gone through some of my stuff at his home and came to this conclusion.   I just remember in the middle of a corporate environment screaming at him to leave me alone and that he was ridiculous.

Then this morphed into seeing both my donors enter my bosses office to talk about this.   I am thinking that just by being so annoying and ridiculous that they are going to get me fired.   I was thinking, who would want to have to deal with them that did not have to.   I eventually corned Spermy and just remember screaming and swearing at him to get away from me and out of my life.   Most of my dreams about Spermy are about being so angry that he is trying to insert himself in my life (unwanted) and in an unhelpful way yet again.  

This weekend we had a visit from a dear friend.   He also has issues with his family and his upbringing, although he has maintained contact.   This discussion brought on yet another dream.

We are all (cousins, aunts, uncles, donors) living at my grandparents house, which is teeny tiny.   Someone eats something gone bad in the refrigerator (which would never happen in my grandmothers house---she was a meticulous home maker).   It is toxic and everyone starts turning into monsters that go to eat everyone else. 

About that dream, I often wonder how my grandparents children (and my grandparents were not perfect by any  means, but I knew them to be truly good people) could have turned out as cold and selfish as they seem to have. Eggy's side was obviously dysfunctional.   But Spermy's side was dysfunction in a similar way to the sitcom "Everyone Loves Raymond".   Not mirror image, but their dysfunction was funny many times.  Also if you brought it up to them, they were people who could talk about that with you, and you could come to an agreement.   It was never this way between me and my donors.   A rational loving conversation, no way.

It seems now that I need one of these triggers before they sneak back into my head in late night nightmares.  It's interesting how these two damaging and pressure filled periods of my life have seemingly joined up together in my dreams. Like my subconscious is saying "remember to always stay away".

Lessons From Been There Done That

This probably won't help anyone.   I wish that when I was younger, I had met someone older that had been through this, and that they could have shared their thoughts with me early on.  I am providing this list not to beat myself up, as I know I did not have the skills or the knowledge to do anything differently at the time.   However, there may be a young adult struggling out there, and not feeling they are able to grasp their freedom or do anything differently with their parents.   Also, they may not understand motives that are underlying their parents actions.

I know some parents genuinely love their children, and have no underlying motives for some of these action items.   This list is not for those young adults .   Those young adults should cherish the time they have with such loving parents.  

Often it is hard for the children (and grown adults) of emotionally, mentally or physically abusive parents to recognize true friendship and love in their spouses parents.   I know I was very suspicious of my husband's parents' motives for many years.   It was a long time before I could just relax with them and be somewhat myself.   I was always bracing for the zinger or the other shoe to drop.   In my relationships with people around me, I am still very much like that.   Being conditioned at a very young age is a hard thing to grow out of.

So here is my list of what I wish older me could have shared with 19 year old me (although on the other hand, if the course of my life was changed in this way, I might not have met my husband):

1. You have the ability to move out and be on your own.   Do not give into the threats to cut you off if you don't attend a college right now (or whatever that thing is that you know is not right for you at this particular moment in life----in my mother in law's case it was an arranged marriage!)...cause you know what?   You aren't ready and don't know what you want to do yet.   You have the right idea, and you will be paying for your own college anyway later, and then they have one less thing to hold over your head (that they funded your college or whatever it is, and trust me you want to have as few strings attached to you as possible).
2. If you have been angry, depressed, suffering from headaches, lack of sleep or anything like that; there may be some relationship issues that you have not faced or even really thought about.  If you have found this blog however, very possibly you are considering the very things that have been niggling at your sub conscious. 
3. Do not accept gifts, they have a motive behind them.   That means birthday, Christmas, whatever.   Also, do not give gifts, as (at least my Egg Donor) only criticizes them and thinks how they could be better and more what they would have wanted.   Save your money, and spend it on people who really appreciate you.
4. Save, save, save.   My parents are pretty material people.   If they collect, they must have a complete collection.   Those THINGS are very important to them, and early on I was comforted by THINGS too.   But THINGS are a cold comfort to living your life to it's fullest, relationships, and other living beings and their well being.  I don't mean save so I can have the biggest, best and brightest of anything.  I mean save so later on we can have health insurance, retirement savings in case we are in no shape to work, and also a veterinarian savings account for our dogs.   These are things that are priceless and truly important in my life.   Furniture that seems new and fresh that early on is probably going to be junk later on and a poor investment in your life!
5. The only person that you should need to impress is yourself, and not with things.
6. Say what you mean and feel to your parents.   You may think you have something to loose, but trust me there is nothing to loose.   If anything there is a slim chance you might actually gain a real relationship with your parents.   And if you can't, there was probably nothing there to begin with.
7. If either 1) a "no" on your part to a parental request or 2) a discussion of your boundaries, turns your parental unit into a whining screaming and abusive two year old child stamping their feet...take note and really look at your relationship.
8. If your parents can not behave or think of only themselves at certain events in your life, you do not need to invite them to those events.  (I was raised to be polite to elders always, and always respectful.   So often I had a hard time standing up for myself especially with my parents).   I know to a young person this may seem like a tragedy to not include their parents.   However, if all they are going to be is intrusive and trying to get to each other or make a point to be nasty, consider how that could possibly be a good thing.   You can always have a discussion with them about this to make ground rules, as long as they can do this rationally and respectfully with YOU.
9. You can and should make rules about visiting each other.   You are also allowed to pick the length of stay, or where you want to stay.   In relationships like this even when you are trying, some breathing room is allowed.  Also, if you happen to have a parent that is going to complain about the accommodations that you provide for them, it is preferable that they, therefore, pick their own accommodations.
10. DO NOT expect that just because you drop everything for your parent, that they will ever give you that same respect and support, otherwise you are setting your self up for major disappointment.
11. NO ONE can tell you how you feel or don't feel, and DO NOT let them get away with doing that.
12. Keep them out of your business and finances in all ways, and at all times.  My Sperm Donor would try to take advantage of me whenever I would start a business.   He would expect free or at cost services.   But that is neither here nor there, I did not want to deal with him on a personal level, never mind have him in my business.   Or the Step Monster for that matter (who he also felt was privy to whatever I was doing).   Just tell them now that you will not do business with family, and be sure you do that the other way around as well.
13. If you are going forward with your relationships with abusive people, REALLY consider if there is a benefit to you in doing so.   See the thing is, it does not feel like you are hurting yourself at first, but there is a definate price to pay to continue to take on the abuse.  If you can not be yourself and your boundaries are constantly violated by uncaring parents, it will not be obvious at first, but internally you are paying a price that is going to take a little bit of you as long as it goes on.   Just consider this now, as I know how hard it is to actually take the above advice.
14. What is harder than taking the above advice, is realizing the limitations on your parents love for you (if there is any there at all).  It's a really painful step that comes to all of us when we realize 1) that our parents do not love us, 2) that are parents aren't interested in knowing us and 3) that no matter what we do or don't do this fact will never change.   It is a staggering realization.  It is very hard to face that fact.   I mean how awful do you need to be to realize that your parents don't love you?   Answer, it's very possibly not you but them that is flawed.   You need to spend time with people that do appreciate and love you, and want to get to know you NOT people who don't no matter that they contributed to your DNA.

As a young adult,  YOU are finally able to shape your life legally.   YOU may not have been conditioned to do so, but I assure you that finally you have the ability to participate in and manage the relationships and life you will have.   If you have had such a parent such as I have, stamping out those rules and moving forward with your life now is very much in your favor.  If they don't respect the real you as a person, they did not respect the overly polite and accommodating you either (as you were most likely brought up to be).   Loving parents, are supportive of their children growing up, and proud of them as they move forward the best they can.   Parents like mine expect to have a mini them, and someone that will parrot back what they think of as success in the fashion they think you should.  Any script that identifies you as a separate individual will not be tolerated.

That is okay by the way.    You can be you.   Go forth and conquer!   Make your mistakes, and glory in your success.

Recovery

I feel that now, finally, I have been in a period of recovery.   I think at least since 9/2011.  It took a long friggin time to get here.  Ages and ages really.   Some people's life times unfortunately.

Very little of my head is rent free now from my FOO.   If only I could have managed this like 20 or 30 years ago!   On the other hand, my very unique journey has brought me true love, and a great career.  I also live someplace that I never thought I would.   Life is good.  

I really thank everyone that has sent me kind comments.   As you know, this is not an easy journey, and not one any one of us would wish on ourselves or our worst enemies.   I appreciate everyone's insights and stories, and the blogs/others that I have found over the last few years have been immeasurably helpful to me.   I wish I had found them 25 years ago!

There are a lot of things that I wish I had understood 25 years ago, but that will be a topic for another blog post.  

XXOO

Just Busy With My Work/Business Lately

Just very busy lately.   Not time for FOO drama:)   Been nice and quiet on that front actually.

Trialling my dog Leon, and starting training for trialling my dog, Boris:)   Also private lessons have started for dog training, and very busy with boarding and daycare.

Communication for the remedial student

In my life, I have ping ponged from being overly polite to overly direct and blunt.   These have been responses to extremes in my life.  Lack of balance previously and then while learning how to stick up for myself in an effective way influenced my communication styles.  I have to say with my donors and my step monster only nasty convinced them to keep the emotional and verbal abuse to themselves and among themselves.   I do not regret that, it was a necessity in order to disengage from them.

The direct and blunt me is more me, but had been more harsh than I wish to be later on in my life.   Pent up anger came out in a whoosh.   I guess it had to.  Is there another way for something held, suppressed, and held in a head lock to the floor to come out?   It was an angry beast waiting to eat the villagers that tormented it for so long.   The villagers were more than deserving of that anger, but internally in me that is not the way I want to feel in any long term way.

Now that I have managed who I have contact with, and how those relationships develop or don't...   I am a much happier centered and balanced person.   I'm not saying that the instinct to take down a toxic person with a lawn mower does not rear it's head, but the knowledge that I control how and whether I react at all (that I do now have this power, and am not powerless to the onslaught of emotional and verbal abuse NOR do I need to abuse my power in my ability to hurt back) helps me not be sucked into a void where my power and energy is being sucked into someone else's endless void of need(especially when they are literally a virtual stranger).

I have to say that I still have time being blunt about my boundaries.   I have an acquaintance for instance that tends to come over at the last minute for favors.   No thought that they are not expected, they might be interrupting my day or my plans.   Also to make matters worse, not in the interests of (always) paying an actual visit.   Instead of being honest with the person, which I could have been, I simply was sure to send them away when they called without explanation.   My husband was finally upfront with them, and we all had a nice talk about it. 

Relationships are hard, and I was avoiding the communication portion of this relationship.  BTW, before anyone claims it is so, I DID communicate with my donors and step.   That is the reason that our relationship cut off, because they could not respect boundaries like this.   This acquaintance, however, does respect these boundaries, and I did them a disservice by not talking to them directly about it.   Probably because of my prior history with how these conversations go with people who are less than empathetic towards others.

I just need to remember to extend my courtesy to those that may care about me, while also remembering that I do not need to engage with those who truly don't.

Exercise makes you feel good eventually right?

Luckily, I do know the answer to my own question:)  It does.   I've done two days of an ambitious work out routine to start.   Perhaps a bit too much.   Very sore muscles now, and wondering when my personal masseuse will arrive.

The wolf in sheeps clothing

Look at Anony Mouse comment on this post.   I don't know why such judgemental and ugly people never seem to see the help that they need to get for themselves, do you?

http://my-family-sucks.blogspot.com/2011/08/open-your-eyes-and-see.html

I think it's interesting as this Anony Mouse claims to have a similar history, yet they can not see their own disfunction in what they are doing that is as plain as day.   But can they see others?   You bet!

And here are some great other posts on other blogs that deal with this!

http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2012/02/narcissists-grandiosity-game.html

http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/02/oh-wise-one.html