Sunday, October 21, 2007

The Birthday

You know this is being written in advance actually, as I never think of the Donor on this day. Actually, never think of either donor on their respective days. I think they call it, blocking it out. Before these days were tense times of trying to figure out gifts for the S donor, who didn't even bother to talk to me. Barely registered that he got a gift or a card, except for the one Halloween card I made him. Then no acknowledgement of anything after that again. It's why it sticks in my mind.

I wonder if there is a stigma attached to the donor's birthday, as there is to mine, as far as I think my parents are concerned. I was "the accident that forced them to marry and ruined their lives". There was nothing I could ever do to make up for that, so I became their chronic dissappointment. Gifts weren't good enough, doing things together weren't good enough, I couldn't worship them enough, or agree with them enough, or live my life the way that they wanted me to live it (which was always a moving target by the way, there was no way to do that, even if I wanted to, which I didn't).

I know my dad was born awhile after his siblings. I believe it was so he would be the built in "caregiver" for my grandmother. She loved him, but I think she let him know that too much. So he began to feel the "slavery" affect of it. Imagine, he also thought of me as his captor, while I thought quite the opposite.

Just some happy estrangement birthday thoughts, ugh. And no, no birthday card going out this year. Questionable as to a donor that "wants to reconcile" supposedly ripping up cards from his offspring as the address did not include the monster that slapped her across the face. You wonder, does he really think he will ever get a card again?
Apparently, even the monster doesn't want to spend time with him, as all her open houses are scheduled on this day.

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