Friday, October 26, 2007

Why Do People Stop Talking on Estrangement Boards

On an effort to recruit members to a discussion board, my E Donor sited lack of support as the reason (actually she received plenty of support, it's just that not everyone agreed with her----per usual). The actual reason someone like me, or someone who has resolved some conflicts to the satisfaction of their conscience may stop talking, is because something has become resolved. There becomes less of a need to reahash it over and over again.

Another reason, it gets painful to visit that place again and again, even if it's just to support someone else. If no one else responds, I will try to revisit that place and lend my support. Many time though, there are an overwhelming amount of support responses, and I will take a vacation from that place. It's not a place you want to go too often, if you don't need to. It is filled with pain, regret ( for what you never had), memories that are not happy by a long shot, et. If you don't have to visit, why would you?

Then there are people like the E donor, who seem to get a sense of self and worth from wallowing in it. If they can't be successful one way, than surely they can by being the biggest "victim" in the world, no matter how much they created their own world as it is. These two years, I have thought about it a lot, since the blowout over who would sell my house. That estrangement made me revisit the other to re-evaluate my decision making process. Wow, being right does not mean that you won't feel pain. Right decision, and in some ways not having gone there would have been LESS painful. In other ways, making the question go away has given me a lot of peace, and made the second estrangement much more bearable. The knowledge of the enrichment of your life by no longer being shackled to people who do not care for you (no matter what they "say") is quite liberating. I like myself more now, although that does not diminish the pain and guilt (no matter how unreasonable it might be, it's what keeps us human, right?)

Many people come to conclusions whether fairy tale endings or real life realizations, that do not have to be rehashed. They become resolved in someone's mind so that they do not need to be played over and over again.

I do hope the E Donor can come to that place by herself. It's been 2 years for me, and going on 20 years for her. Perhaps if some truths were accepted about her responsibility, she could come to that place as well.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

UM HEY IT'S ME YOU KNOW,, FROM OVER THERE... I WENT TO HER BLOG THING,,,UM SHE'S SORT OF LONG WINDED ISN'T SHE?? AND IT REALLY DIDN'T MAKE A LOT OF SENSE.. SORRY I TRIED. NOW I'M GONNA GO BACK WHERE THEY SERVE BOOZE. FEEL WELCOME TO JOIN US...YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE

winterskibunny said...

Yeah, I inherited a bit of the long windedness, but I do try and edit myself. It doesn't make sense and it is long, because she knows she is wrong, but is going in circles trying to make herself look right!

That's fine. I just thought it was so interesting what her conclusion was. Doesn't she ever wonder that maybe people don't participate later, because THEY (and not her) have in fact gotten over it? Or gotten to the point of acceptance at least?