Monday, October 29, 2007

Narcisstic Qualites?

As a product of two narcisstic (IMHO) donors , I often ponder those qualities and if they are a symptom of a larger problem (ie mental disorders). For instance, I have another dog trainer that has shown an interesting and inappropriate fascination with me (and not in a good way, luckily it's a woman, but still....) Going so far as to threaten my dogs and my safety should I see her (no matter how subtly). One thing I notice about her, is she seems to think I know things or should know things about her, when the truth is that I have no interest in her whatsoever. Do narcisstic people think everyone is interested in them, their hobbies, what they do? I mean, I am interested in my friends et, but I don't do research on them or search them out at all. Narcisstic people seem to think everyone is interested in them, and go out of their way to "research" other people. Is it just that they deflect their own fears or the fact that not many people like them on others?

It makes them seem a little crazy, and a lot dangerous to me (probably as a result of watching the shows Snapped and The Most Evil a little too dilligently). For instance, when I watch Betty Broderick's story talked about, I can picture my own monster snapping and shooting me in the bed when I sleep (because I am pretty convinced although I am the unloved daughter, that she has always seen me as the other woman, and that will never stop. She blames me for all her problems of non success in business and marriage).

I think the deflection is the same, and the unawareness of proper social niceties and conduct. For instance, when (in my younger adulthood) I was talking to my S Donor, he would badger me about coming up to Maine without the husband. It annoyed me, I mean my husband and I do frequently things alone and together. Mostly I was ignored going to Maine, so he was good company (and by the way we love each other and like being together) and a good buffer between me and my family. I didn't even know how much I did not like them then, I just knew I needed something to get between me and them.

Anyway, one weekend I thought "hey the S Donor probably just wants to do things alone with me, let's see how it goes". So I let him know that I was going alone. I get there, and he is leaving with his friends and the monster for the beach, and it is clear that I am not invited along. "Okay see ya, have a good time. Glad to see you came alone." So I bike rode alone, and walked alone, and called my husband on the phone to say how lonely I was. I got the required fifteen or five minutes of conversation from the Donor, and that was it.

It occurs to me now that in his Narcisstic way, he was deflecting his own problems. HE wants to get away from his spouse, HE does not enjoy time with HER, and HE has always tried to get me to mold my life to HIS unhappiness. Totally the opposite of truly loving parents that want their kids to succeed and be happy in life. It was all about him, it had nothing to do with him wishing to spend time with his daughter. I didn't want to spend time with him either, as I dislike him so, but was (misguidedly) willing to give it a chance, and reaped the same results (what is that defination of insanity again) that I got repeatedly over and over and over again.

I like being pampered by my husband, and I enjoy his attention. I hope to God that I don't have the type of Narcisstic qualities that my parents display, but I know in reality I just have to have some. I hope that I am more like my grandmother, where the underlying foundation is about love and caring of the people that are important to me. It's difficult for me though, to even pick up the phone sometimes to talk to my elderly father in law, who I love dearly. It's even almost impossible for me to express that sometimes.

Little by little, I strive to change these things, I can only (thankfully) imagine the damage I would have done (unintentionally) if I had children myself. But then I think of the job I do with dogs (both mine and other people), and think I would have at least done a job of several hundred times better in the love department anyway.

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