Monday, June 18, 2007

More Whining and Food For Thought

So on my awesome ocean side bike ride today, meanderings (that you can call whinings) were going through my brain, and so I am just going to regurgitate them here so they no longer haunt my more delightful adventures! By the way, next time I take a bike ride or do something fun and don't bring a camera, feel free to slap me upside the head.

---Okay, there is a dream that I haven't posted. It disturbs me because I don't want a reconciliation with my S Donor as my mind is probably never going to change to believing that he is any kind of human that I want to be involved with. So the following dream really bothers me. I am antiqueing. My husband and I find this one of a kind chair that is modern with bakelite on it from the 50s or 60s. We buy it, and then the son of the guy who made it was just a bit late, and offers to buy it from us. We really don't want to. Then S Donor walks in. The monster has died and he really needs me and is crying. So I fold and forgive him. Ugh, and then I wake up and think to myself "when are you ever fucking going to learn". So there, regurgitated and gone.

----Other thing is when I was told about the monster's recent auto accident, the person paused on the other side of the phone as if expecting me to ask about her condition. I am not heartless, I hope she's not hurt or anything. Really, it's none of my business though. It's like I hope some miscellaneous stranger is not hurt. Only this stranger has been horrible to me, and has intentionally tried to hurt me, so I don't think I need to be there for her or the S Donor. In fact, I would be an idiot to waste my time. What would be the point of me being there? Would people believe that I suddenly liked this woman? If it was me, I wouldn't want to see or hear from her should I be laid up. I certaintly would not want anyone to tell the S Donor, because I would have no wish to be upset while I was physically hurt or see him. So there, that is out there. I hope she heals up well (that is if there even was a car accident, and instead it's not like my S Donor perhaps finally had the good taste not to throw himself a Father's Day celebration or it's a cover up for yet another divorce in the family). Or a cover up for the fact that he's alienated from so many people now----which brings me to.....

----The monster. She wanted her side of the family involved in everything, but it seems to me that she systematically tried to destroy relationships in our family. She does this under the guise of sacrifice. First there was the invitation for me to live with them, as she wouldn't want "her kids" to not have some place to live later on. Then the abuse both emotional and physical. Then an estrangement. Then a systematic bad mouthing of me to my relatives and especially to my grandparents. I knew about this as my grandmother jumped on me for a doll that she thought I sold that my aunt had given to me, and there was only two people that could have put that in her mind together. It never occurred to me what they were doing with my grandparents at the time, or more importantly their really sick motivation for it. Why would a parent or step seek to alienate their child from their grandparents, aunts and uncles?

Then there was the making sure her kids always did stuff for my grandparents. The talking and making fun of them behind their back that was spurred on by the monster. The exhaulting of her kids grandparents, and the comparisons to my poor old grandmother that occaisionally might have dropped a crumb on the floor. Finally, the exhile of my grandmother from her last holiday gatherings because she might be upset going back to the rest home. Nice.

Most recently, and some of this is speculation, the invitation to S donor's brother to build an apartment downstairs in their summer house, so that he could stay with them and bond with S donor. The monster's predictable campaign against him and talking behind his back to me and other family members. Suddenly, my uncle is no longer up here because he "broke" a leg for about a year now. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Could it be there is another family rift there, cause he loved coming up to the house.

Then there is her son's wife's parents. First they were to be admired for all their worldly possessions. Big steps were taken to impress them. Weird holiday with servants, treating them to the White Barn, et al. When perhaps the Monster realized that she could never materially (and in my opinion humanity wise) live up to them, again the campaign started talking behind their back, and why she did not get along with them and blah blah blah.

Course the relationship between her sons and their father (the monster's first husband, who is probably more thankful than ever that he bailed) has always been discouraged and maligned.
Again, I don't blame her for the damage, but she was definately a participant. Johny, tell her what she has won. I wonder all the time, how does the monster live with herself? Does she ever wonder when the lightening bolt will appear and strike her down?

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